]]\n\n+ //A.\n\n[[/>]]\n\n[[div style=\"float:left; width: 45%; padding: 0 2%\"]]\n\n\n\n[[size 1.1em]]**__ELEPHANTS GENTLY USED__**[[/size]]\n\n[[div style=\"display: inline-block; border-radius: 10px; border:dashed 1px #444444; background:#F5F5F5; float:top; width:96.5%; padding:10px\"]]\n\nANY ACADEMIC INDIVIDUAL INTERESTED IN OBTAINING GENTLY USED ELEPHANTS MAY COME TO THE BIDDER AUCTION HELD OUTSIDE THE SPEAKATORUM BY THE SIXTH GATE. ALL WERE USED IN WAR, SOME NEEDING MODERATE REPAIRING OR COUNSELING.\n\n\n\nBE PREPARED TO TRANSPORT CREATURE. ANY ACCESSORIES SHALL BE SOLD SEPARATELY. AUGMENTATIONS WILL NOT BE INCLUDED. THE FOLLOWING SOL CYCLE OMENS WILL DETERMINE WHEN FURTHER AUCTIONS CAN TAKE PLACE\n\n\n\n[[f>image elephant.jpg]]\n\nSEDATION IS NOT OPTIONAL.\n\n[[/div]]\n\n------\n\n[[div style=\"display: inline-block; border-radius: 10px; border:dashed 1px #444444; background:#F5F5F5; float:top; width:96.5%; padding:10px\"]]\n\n[[size 1.1em]]\n\n{{__TUTORING ASSISTANCE AVAILABLE__ -- DO __YOU__ REQUIRE ASSISTANCE IN COMPLETING THE TASKS NECESSARY BEFORE BECOMING TRULY ONE WITH KNOWLEDGE? THAT CAN BE REMEDIED WITH EASE IF YOU LET US IN YOUR BRAIN.}}\n\n\n\n{{BRING PAYMENT TO THE RAVINE -- DO NOT BE LATE OR IT WILL NOT WORK. HEADS MUST BE SHAVED BEFOREHAND AND WILL BE INSPECTED BY PHRENOLOGIST. DISSOCIATION WILL OCCUR UNTIL THE TASK HAS BEEN COMPLETED.}}\n\n\n\n-- //SLUGSCUMM MIND ENHANCEMENT//.\n\n[[/div]]\n\n------\n\n[[image letters.jpg]]\n\n\n\n__**TELESCOPING LETTERS**__\n\n\n\n//STUDIOUS CONCERNS TO THE EDITORIAL MEMBERSHIP WITHIN THE TELESCOPIC IS ALWAYS TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION. RESPONSES FROM THOSE WHO CAN PRECEPT WHAT IS NEW AND WHAT IS NOT CANNOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED.//\n\n\n\n\n\n[[div style=\"display: inline-block; border-radius: 10px; border:dashed 1px #444444; background:#F5F5F5; float:top; width:96.5%; padding:10px\"]]\n\nI DO NOT AGREE WITH THE CURRENT LISTINGS FOR THE CUISINE FACTOR. IT DOES NOT MAKE SENSE TO SERVE MORE THAN TWO MEALS PER DAY. IF THIS GLUTTONOUS CYCLE CONTINUES IT WILL LEAD TO THE FLABBY GREED-INDUCED DEATH OF US ALL. IT IS WASTEFUL TO EAT HERE WHEN IT COULD GO TO THE BIGGER CAUSE.\n\n-- {{SEBASI PENTON}}\n\n[[/div]]\n\n\n\n//NUTRITION IS AS IMPORTANT AT HOME AS IT IS DURING STUDY. WITH PROPER EXERCISE, EATING, AND SLEEPING HABITS YOU CAN PUT YOURSELF IN A SOUND PLACE. HAVING FOOD IN THE STOMACH IS KEY FOR MANY ACADEMIC ADVANTAGES TO SUCCEED.//\n\n\n\n[[div style=\"display: inline-block; border-radius: 10px; border:dashed 1px #444444; background:#F5F5F5; float:top; width:96.5%; padding:10px\"]]\n\nTHE BATHS HAVE NOT ENOUGH BATHERS. WHENEVER I AM ENTERING, IT IS ALWAYS FOUND COLD AND DREARY. EVEN IF IT IS LATE, WE ARE PAYING FOR THE WAVES WITH OUR COIN AND DESERVE BETTER FROM THE UNIVERSITY. WHY HAS EVERYONE GONE BY?\n\n-- {{ALEXIUS FORSBERG}}.\n\n[[/div]]\n\n\n\n//MANY ARE BUSY WITH STUDYING DILIGENCE AND RETURNING TO PRODUCE IN THE WORKSHOPS. WITH WORKERS BARRED FROM BATHS IN THE DAYTIME, MANY HAVE FOUND THEIR TIME BETTER SPENT SWEATING THAN WASHING. YOUR COIN IS GOING TOWARDS TRANSCRIBING WORKS FROM LIBRARIES, EXPERIMENTS, CONCEPTS OF NATURAL PHILOSOPHY.//\n\n\n\n{{IF YOU HAVE CONCERNS, THEY CAN BE ANSWERED, WHISPER A SECRET IN THE RAVENS EAR AND WE SHALL BE INFORMED.}}\n\n[[/size]]\n\n[[/div]]\n\n\n\n\n\n[[div style=\"float:left; width: 45%; padding: 0 2%\"]]\n\n\n\n[[size 1.1em]]**__SOOTHING SOUNDS SENSATIONALIZE__**[[/size]]\n\n\n\n[[image https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/alexylva-student-paper/sound%20place.jpg]]\n\n\n\n[[size 1.1em]]SERENADING THE STUDENTS[[/size]]\n\n\n\n[[size 0.75em]]IN THE SOUND GARDEN, THE CLOUDS PARTED TO SHINE LIGHT DOWN UPON THE SYMPHONIC ASSOCIATION OF ALEXYLVA. THEIR VOICES SANG OUT IN A CHORUS, SERENADING PICNICKERS IN THE TREES. IT COULD HAVE SOOTHED BABIES WITH THEIR MOTHERS AND CALMED THE SPIRITS OF ALL IN ATTENDANCE. MORE OF THE STUDENT BODY ARE ALWAYS WELCOME IN THIS CHOIR.\n\n\n\nSINGING TALENT IS PREFERABLE. MUST BE IN FULL CONTACT WITH NEXT AND PREVIOUS OF KIN. JUDGEMENT WILL BE MADE ON QUALITY AS WELL AS THE CLASS AND STATUS OF THE CANDIDATE, AS WELL AS OUTSTANDING DEBTS.\n\n\n\nFOOD AND SOME BEVERAGE WILL BE PROVIDED. DO NOT MAKE PLANS FOR ACTIVITY FOLLOWING THE TRYOUT. THOSE WHO ARE SELECTED WILL BEGIN PREPARATIONS IMMEDIATELY AS WELL AS BEING AWARDED FULL DEGREE OF THOUGHT.\n\n[[/size]]\n\n------\n\n+++ **{{NEW DORMITORIES TO ARRIVE}}**\n\n\n\nTHE OLD MOURTZOUPHLOS DEPOT HAS BEEN OBTAINED BY THE UNIVERSITY FOR USE IN THE COMING SEMESTERS. IT WILL HOUSE INCOMING TRANSFER STUDENTS FROM OTHER REGULARITIES AND CORPOREAL LAYERS. IF MULTIPLE ENTITIES FROM THE SAME CONSCIOUSNESS REGISTER ATTENDANCE, ADDITIONAL FORMS AND DOCUMENTATION WILL BE REQUIRED.\n\n\n\nINCOMING LEARNERS WILL HAVE NO DIFFICULTY FINDING SPACE FOR THEMSELVES NOW.\n\n------\n\n++++ //ONEIROI IMPROVES SAFETY//\n\n[[size 1.1em]]//BAD APPLES TAKEN OUT.//[[/size]]\n\n\n\n= [[image PARADISE-BUILDERS.png]]\n\n[[size 0.8em]]__//ALEXYLVA ONEIROI ALLOCATION//__[[/size]]\n\n------\n\n\n\nTHROUGH THE USE OF NEW SOMNAMBULIST TECHNOLOGY, SEVERAL MEN WITH ANTI-SAFE THOUGHTS WERE LOCATED PRIOR TO THEIR ABILITY TO CAUSE DAMAGE EMERGING. THE PROCESS OF THEIR EXPULSION HAS BEGUN. SEARCHING THEIR PREMISES SHOWED PROOF OF INVERSE THOUGHTS AND PLANS.\n\n\n\n[[size 0.8em]]THROUGH THE USE OF DREAMS, INSPECTORS FOUND THEIR DREAMS AND FROM THERE WERE ABLE TO OBSERVE THOUGHTS. ALTHOUGH THIS IS NOT NEW, IT WAS PREVIOUSLY DEEMED IMPOSSIBLE TO OBTAIN COHERENT FINDINGS. FANTASY OF PAIN AND SUFFERING CAN LEAD TO VIOLENCE IF UNCHECKED.\n\n\n\nCOLLECTIVE FINDINGS CAN NOW BE ADMITTED INTO THE CHRONICLES ALONG WITH OTHER KNOWLEDGE. THIS SHOULD PERMIT MANY MORE CONFUSED INDIVIDUALS TO BE TAUGHT CORRECT INFORMATION. DREAM SERVICES ARE AVAILABLE TO ALL STUDENTS AND COME ALONG WITH OTHER BENEFITS PROVIDED BY OTHER UNIVERSITY PARTNERS. \n\n\n\n,,AS WITH MOST ANOMALOUS SERVICES AND ORGANIZATIONS, ONEIROI DREAM MONITORING SERVICES ARE PRESENT IN ALL ALEXYLVA RESIDENCIES.,,\n\n\n\n[[/size]]\n\n\n\n\n\n> = __TELESCOPIC STAFF__\n\n> \n\n> **COORDINATION MASTER:** JAINE SHARP\n\n> \n\n> **EDITORIAL MASTER:** ANA NG\n\n> \n\n> **F-CORRECTION MASTER:** EMILET MIRABON\n\n> \n\n> **SOCIAL CONNECTION MASTER:** WYNG HYZUENGA\n\n> \n\n> **LAYOUT ARCHITECT:** DONETZ MONSTRO\n\n> \n\n> **VISUAL PRODUCER:** JOHANN KHABBAZ\n\n> \n\n> **APPRENTICE:** JOHN SCOTT\n\n> \n\n> **MASCOT:** MYSTERIOUS WHISPER\n\n\n\n//DO YOU WANT TO WRITE FOR THE TELESCOPIC? WRITE THREE AUDITION ARTICLES AND PLACE THEM UNDER YOUR PILLOW. WE'LL LET YOU KNOW WHAT WE THINK.//\n\n\n\n= //,,THE TELESCOPIC IS A STUDENT-MANAGED PROJECT OF ALEXYLVA UNIVERSITY,,//\n\n\n\n[[/div]]\n\n~~~~~\n\n[[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box\n\n|author=Anonymous]]\n\n[[include :scp-wiki:component:license-box-end]]\n", "tags": ["_alexylva", "_cc", "alexylva", "goi-format", "journalism", "oneiroi", "otherworldly", "school"], "title": "ALEXYLVA PUBLICATION ARCHIVE - NEWSPRINT - SCP Foundation", "url": "https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/alexylva-student-paper"}, "all-in-vein": {"created_at": "2026-10-06T05:35:00", "creator": "TopDownUnder", "domain": "scp-wiki.wikidot.com", "history": [{"author": "TopDownUnder", "author_href": "https://www.wikidot.com/user:info/topdownunder", "comment": "", "date": "2026-10-06T05:35:00"}, {"author": "TopDownUnder", "author_href": "https://www.wikidot.com/user:info/topdownunder", "comment": "Uploaded file \"lucia.jpg\".", "date": "2026-10-06T05:35:00"}, {"author": "TopDownUnder", "author_href": "https://www.wikidot.com/user:info/topdownunder", "comment": "", "date": "2026-10-06T05:35:00"}, {"author": "TopDownUnder", "author_href": "https://www.wikidot.com/user:info/topdownunder", "comment": "", "date": "2026-10-06T05:35:00"}, {"author": "Heck_Tech", "author_href": "https://www.wikidot.com/user:info/heck-tech", "comment": "Added tags: _alcur-hospital, _image, _licensebox, alcur-hospital, bittersweet, chaos-on-the-monolith, faerie, global-occult-coalition, goi-format, homo-sapiens-sidhe, manna-charitable-foundation, our-open-veins, vampire. ", "date": "2026-10-06T10:38:00"}, {"author": "ObsoleteCorpse", "author_href": "https://www.wikidot.com/user:info/obsoletecorpse", "comment": "Added tags: _cc. Removed tags: _image. ", "date": "2026-10-06T19:41:00"}], "hubs": ["top-rated-pages-this-month", "new-pages-feed", "shortest-pages-this-month", "groups-of-interest", "goi-formats"], "images": ["https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/all-in-vein/lucia.jpg"], "link": "all-in-vein", "page_id": "1469448386", "rating": 22, "raw_content": "\n
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The Alcur Hospital
\nOperative Report
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Patient: Genesis Berganza
\nGender: Female
\nPriority: High
\nMR Number: \u0394-682173
\nWorld Number: WRLD-173CA40-\u03be (Led by Hematology Wing)
\nAdmission Date: 09/08/2026 LT | N/A \u2014 Medical Mission DT
\nOperative Date: 13/08/2026 LT | N/A \u2014 Medical Mission DT
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Triage
\n\n
Admission: The patient was admitted on-site at a joint UN-GOC/MCF treatment clinic in Boca de S\u00e1balos, Nicaragua, following a referral from UN-GOC Liaison Officer Beatrice Bugh. The clinic had been treating Metalblood cases with palliative care for several years, as no cure exists in this World. Alcur was contacted after several people's condition, the patient included, worsened past what the clinic's staff could manage. A Medical Mission led by Dr. Lucia Lahovary arrived two days later.
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![\"lucia.jpg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/all-in-vein/lucia.jpg\"/)
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Physician\u2019s Analysis: \"Samples sent back to Alcur were reviewed by Dr. Phoe C. Chan. The patient is a descendant of the Cegua, a species of fae brought from Spain to Central America during colonization, which later intermixed with the local human population. The patient carries a significant amount of fae ancestry in her genome. The virus attacks this part of her genome specifically.
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\"The ailment works through alchemy. It transmutes the patient's blood cells into pure iron, a material lethal to fae. In a full-blooded Cegua, this kills quickly. In the patient, the human portion of her body help to counteract it. It's slowed, but still lethal.\"
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Hypothesis: The ailment did not arise naturally. It is a virus built by the Department of Anomalous Weapons Development of this World's SCP Foundation to wipe out the Cegua. In this World, it succeeded. The last known full-blooded Cegua died in November 2021. Their human descendants have been slowly dying ever since.
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Prior Health: Healthy before infection. The patient reports traits common among Cegua descendants in the region, including a preference for night hours and mild polymorphism. Her mother died of the same ailment in 2023.
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Symptoms of Ailment:
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\n- Strong metallic taste in the mouth. Patient reports the taste as constant.
\n- Gray discoloration along the veins, most visible in the wrists, neck, and temples.
\n- Burning pain beneath the skin wherever transmuted iron deposits in the blood vessel.
\n- Stiffening and loss of feeling in extremities as iron builds up in smaller blood vessels.
\n- Fine iron particles in the patient's sweat and tears, which leave rust stains on bedding.
\n- Increasing fatigue and shortness of breath as fewer blood cells remain able to carry oxygen.
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Nursing Notes: \"The patient is lucid, polite, and frightened, though she hides it well. She has lost feeling in three of her left fingers, and the veins there have gone completely gray. Her pillowcase has to be changed twice daily now because of the rust staining. She was wary of Dr. Lahovary at first and asked whether the doctor was \"one of the old ones too.\" She relaxed once Dr. Lahovary explained what she is, and since then has sought out her company.
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\"An attempt to bring the patient to Alcur by ER-WAY Passage was stopped after she went into severe convulsions at the threshold. Cegua physiology appears to react badly to dimensional travel, so all treatment will take place on-site.
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\"The patient has mentioned more than once that her aunt is showing early symptoms but that she refuses to come to the clinic. In the patient's words, the aunt \"doesn't trust anyone from outside anymore. Not after what they did.\" The patient has asked if someone from Alcur could visit her.\" \u2014 Nurse Ivy Drip.
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Further Medical Analysis
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Following consent, Dr. Lahovary took a small blood sample directly from the patient to assess its taste. Her assessment matched Dr. Chan's findings, with one exception.
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Blood always has a faint taste of iron. But this is different. It's finished iron, cold and dead, like licking a nail. And under that is the working part of the virus that's still converting what's left. I've tasted the samples the GOC archived when they first discovered Metalblood, and this isn't the same. It holds back. It converts more slowly and evenly, so the host lives longer and stays infectious longer. Someone went back and adjusted the virus for people like Genesis. Given its lack in the original samples, this change is recent, at least newer than the Foundation's agreement with the GOC to back off. I'll put together a full write-up and give it to Officer Bugh when we pack up. The GOC'll want to know. \u2014 Dr. Lucia Lahovary
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Severity: 6/10 pain. Iron buildup is limited to the left hand, with early graying along the arm and neck. Without treatment, it will reach her heart within months.
\nVirality: Low. It spreads via blood contact and only infects Cegua descendants. Baseline humans and other fae species are unaffected.
\nLethality: Fatal in every case without treatment.
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Diagnosis: Metalblood, modified strain
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Treatment
\n\n
Treatment Type: Blood transference. Dr. Lahovary drinks the infected blood herself while the iron already in the patient's body is drawn out and her blood is replaced.
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Surgeon(s): Dr. Lucia Lahovary (lead, on-site), Dr. Phoe C. Chan (consulting, remote)
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Operations Performed:
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\n- Draws (Dr. Lahovary): Over four nightly sessions, Dr. Lahovary drinks a measured amount of the patient's blood. Metalblood needs living blood cells to transmute. As Dr. Lahovary's undead blood has none, the virus has nothing to work on and breaks down within hours inside her body.
\n- Iron Extraction (Dr. Lahovary, Nurse Ivy Drip): Iron already deposited in the patient's blood vessels is drawn out with the Rustcatcher, starting with the left hand.
\n- Transfusion (Nurse Ivy Drip): The patient's lost blood volume is replaced with donor blood from volunteers among clinic staff.
\n- Regeneration (Dr. Chan, remote): A course of marrow tonic is prescribed to help the patient rebuild her own blood cells.
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Special Instruments Used:
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\n- Fang Lancets: Fitted caps for Dr. Lahovary's canines that measure each draw to the milliliter.
\n- The Rustcatcher: A magnetized thread fed through the veins that gathers deposited iron as it passes.
\n- Gloam Lamps: Surgical lights that simulate moonlight, ensuring Dr. Lahovary can work under them safely.
\n- Marrow Tonic (Alcur Pharmacy, Batch \u0394-77)
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Complications:
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\n- Iron does not harm Dr. Lahovary, but her body cannot absorb it either. Transmuted iron collects in her after each session and has to be purged, which leaves her weakened for roughly an hour. She has made a habit of walking out alone after each session to purge out of sight of the patients.
\n- Sessions can only take place after sunset.
\n- The patient's polymorphism flares when she is stressed, which shifts her veins and makes access unpredictable.
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Recording: ON
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Findings of the Operation:
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SESSION 1 - 10/08/2026 LT, 19:20
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Dr. Lahovary: This'll feel strange, but it won't hurt.
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Genesis: Have you done this before?
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Dr. Lahovary: Drinking blood? Constantly.
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[The Fang Lancets are fitted. The first draw begins.]
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Genesis: Does it taste bad? The iron?
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Dr. Lahovary: Like sucking on a coin.
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Genesis: Sorry.
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Dr. Lahovary: Don't be. I've had way worse. I was really desperate one night and had to drink the blood of a golem. Would not recommend.
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Genesis: \u2026My mother used to say the old ones would lure men out at night. That's why people in town were wary of us.
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Dr. Lahovary: People are scared of anything that comes out at night. Don't pay them any mind.
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[An equine snout emerges from the patient's face briefly before retreating.]
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Genesis: S-sorry. I do that when I'm nervous.
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Dr. Lahovary: So do I. [laugh] My fangs really pop out when I'm scared. Hold still.
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Genesis: Are you scared now?
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Dr. Lahovary: Of you? No. Of getting this wrong? A little. But that's okay. Any good doctor's a little bit scared for their patients.
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Genesis: The clinic doctors stopped looking scared a long time ago. They just tell us to rest up and drink water.
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Dr. Lahovary: [sigh] They're not bad doctors. They're just\u2026 They've spent five years helplessly watching people die. That wears a person down.
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Genesis: But you can fix it?
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Dr. Lahovary: Yeah, I can fix it.
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SESSION 2 - 11/08/2026 LT, 19:45
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Genesis: Can I ask where you're from?
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Dr. Lahovary: Wallachia, a long time ago. I believe it's called Romania in your world?
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Genesis: Like Dracula?
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Dr. Lahovary: [groan] Like Dracula. An Irishman who's never even been to my country wrote a book about it, and now that's all anyone knows about my home. Castles, wolves, peasants with garlic. A whole people reduced to a monster in someone else's story.
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Genesis: That's what happened to the old ones.
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Dr. Lahovary: Tell me.
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Genesis: Well, they came over on the ships with the Spanish. My grandmother said the Spanish used them to scare the natives. Keep the villages in line, keep people indoors at night. Then the Spanish left, and nobody needed them anymore. They were just monsters after that. People told stories about them to scare children.
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Dr. Lahovary: And then the Foundation came?
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Genesis: Yeah. [Pause] I don't remember the old ones. Not really. I was a kid when the last ones died. I remember my mother crying when she heard, but I didn't get why. They were just monsters. That's all any of them were.
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Dr. Lahovary: Do you think she was crying for monsters?
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Genesis: No. I\u2026 I think she knew we were next.
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[Silence. The draw continues.]
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Dr. Lahovary: In my World, there was a Foundation too. Not the same one, but close enough. A little bit more proactive with their containment. Violent, too. They hunted me for over a hundred years. They never caught me, but that never stopped them. I couldn't stay anywhere long. The only reason I was able to run for that long was because of my wife, but\u2026 they caught up to her, eventually.
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Genesis: How'd you escape them?
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Dr. Lahovary: I didn't. Or, I didn't do it myself. Dr. Alcur found me treating a farmer's son with a fever in a barn outside Craiova, in the middle of the night. The kid was terrified of me, but I knew if I didn't do it, no one would. Alcur asked me if I'd like to help people somewhere I didn't have to hide.
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Genesis: And you said yes?
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Dr. Lahovary: I said I'd think about it\u2026 which I did for five seconds before screaming 'yes!'
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REMOTE CONSULTATION - 12/08/2026 LT, 02:10
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Dr. Chan: How's the viral load?
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Dr. Lahovary: Already halved. She'll be able to keep her hand\u2026 Phoe, about the strain. I'm positive now. It's been reworked. You-know-who's still working on it.
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Dr. Chan: That's a serious accusation in this World.
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Dr. Lahovary: It isn't an accusation, though. I have proof. I've written everything down. Officer Bugh'll get a copy the day I leave.
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Dr. Chan: \u2026Send me a copy tonight.
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Dr. Lahovary: What? Over the clinic line? These aren't secured like ours. They'll be listened to, and the people most likely to be listening are the ones this is about. I'll give it to you in person.
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Dr. Chan: Okay, just\u2026 be careful, Lucia.
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Dr. Lahovary: I'm a vampire in a tent. What's going to happen?
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Nursing Note - 12/08/2026 LT: \"A boy from town brought a message to the clinic this afternoon, from the patient's aunt, Graciela. She lives on the river road and wants to be seen, but only by \"the night doctor.\" At her house too, no soldiers or GOC. The patient read the note and laughed. She said it sounded exactly like her aunt, who hates uniforms. The guard captain objected, but Dr. Lahovary's already decided to go after the final session.\" - Nurse Ivy Drip
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SESSION 3 - 12/08/2026 LT, 20:10
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Genesis: I've been thinking about what you said. About the stories.
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Dr. Lahovary: Good things, I hope.
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Genesis: I don't know. The old ones did hunt people. That part was true. Maybe the Foundation wasn't wrong to be afraid of them? They say they keep the world normal so everyone stays safe.
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Dr. Lahovary: Safe for whom?
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Genesis: Everyone else, I guess.
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Dr. Lahovary: Some of the old ones hunted people. Some vampires do too. I won't pretend otherwise. But you don't cure a disease by killing everyone who might catch it. The Foundation didn't make Metalblood to stop the ones who hunted. They made it to stop all of them, then let it keep going into their descendants. Into you, but you've never hurt anyone.
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Genesis: They said they'd leave us alone now. That's the only good thing they've ever given us.
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[Silence.]
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Genesis: Can I tell you something? Before you came, I'd sort of made peace with it. With dying. My mom died of it. My cousins died of it. I thought, that's just how it is for people like us. The world eats people like us. It always has.
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Dr. Lahovary: But it isn't the world, Genesis. It's people. Specific people sat in a room and made this, and specific people decided you weren't worth saving. That's not the universe being the universe. That's people making a choice. And anything people choose, other people can undo.
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Genesis: You really believe that?
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[Dr. Lahovary puts on the Fang Lancets.]
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Dr. Lahovary: I'm undoing it right now.
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[The patient laughs, her snout growing with her laughter.]
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SESSION 4 - 13/08/2026 LT, 20:05
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Dr. Lahovary: That's it. That's the last of it.
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Genesis: It's gone? All of it?
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Dr. Lahovary: All of it. You should be able to use your hand properly when you wake up in the morning.
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[The patient begins to cry, straining herself to sit up and hug Dr. Lahovary. She meets her halfway.]
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Genesis: Will you see my t\u00eda tonight?
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Dr. Lahovary: As soon as I've purged. She'll be feeling better by the end of the week. Then I'll be in France for a palate cleanser.
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FIELD RECORDING - 13/08/2026 LT, 21:40
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[Footsteps on gravel. Sound of the river.]
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Dr. Lahovary: \u2026ah, nenorocito, I forgot to take the notes out of my coat\u2026 I'll put them back in my bag when I get back\u2026
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[Knocking.]
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Voice (female, older): Doctor? Come in, come in. Quickly, before the mosquitoes get in.
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Dr. Lahovary: Se\u00f1ora Graciela? Genesis sends her love. She's doing\u2014
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[A pause. Dr. Lahovary sniffs the air.]
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Dr. Lahovary: You don't smell like her.
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Voice: I'm sorry?
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Dr. Lahovary: Every Cegua in that clinic carried the same earthy note in their blood. I can't smell it on you. And you aren't sick.
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[A door closes. Several sets of footsteps.]
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Dr. Lahovary: Ah.
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[A loud electrical hum. Light floods the room, bright enough to register on the recorder's sensor. The audio peaks as Dr. Lahovary screams out in pain. A thud can be heard as Dr. Lahovary and the recorder fall to the ground. The alarm on Dr. Lahovary's body blares loudly. The ruffling of cloth is heard before the alarm is slightly muffled.]
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[A man's voice speaks close to the recorder.]
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Voice (male): Get the coat! Everything in it!
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[RECORDING TERMINATED]
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ERROR: RECORDING NOT FOUND.
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Item #: SCP-[PENDING]
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Object Class: Euclid
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Special Containment Procedures: SCP-[PENDING] is to be contained in a SHAAC-M at Area-34. Lighting within the cell is limited to low-intensity sodium lamps. Full-spectrum ultraviolet arrays are installed and are to remain on standby.
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SCP-[PENDING] is to be provided with 500\u00a0mL of blood weekly, sourced from D-Class personnel. A 50\u00a0mL sample of SCP-[PENDING]'s circulatory fluid is to be drawn weekly, with this amount to be increased as SCP-[PENDING]'s tolerance permits. All yield is to be forwarded to Senior Engineer Fidel Chavez.
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Retention of SCP-[PENDING] is necessary to ensure the Foundation retains countermeasures against SCP-6821-V in the event of uncontrolled spread.
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Personnel are not to engage SCP-[PENDING] in conversation beyond what is required for feeding and sample collection.
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Description: SCP-[PENDING], previously identified as PoI-1286 is a vampiric adult Caucasian female. Due to its condition, SCP-[PENDING] does not require respiration and is severely harmed by sunlight. SCP-[PENDING] identifies itself as \"Dr. Lucia Lahovary\" and claims to have been a physician for GoI-\u0394 (\"The Alcur Hospital\"). These claims are unverified and are not to be entertained. The Department of External Affairs has failed to find any information that would link SCP-[PENDING] to GoI-\u0394.
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SCP-[PENDING]'s circulatory fluid has demonstrated the ability to neutralize alchemical agents, such as those used in SCP-6821-V. Research into this property is ongoing.
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Recovery: SCP-[PENDING] was recovered on 13/08/2026 at an undisclosed location in Central America by Mobile Task Force Beta-54 (\"Drawn-out Medical Drama\"). No other parties were involved. Recovered alongside SCP-[PENDING] was one personal recording device and eleven handwritten pages. The device was wiped upon recovery and the pages were destroyed during recovery.
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FILES RESTORED. CONTINUING FROM LAST READ SECTION.
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Post Operation
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Results: The patient's final blood test, taken the morning of 14/08/2026 LT, shows no trace of Metalblood. The graying in her skin has begun to fade, and feeling has returned to most of her fingers on her left hand.
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Even though her field recording was received in full by Alcur's archive at 21:43 LT, Dr. Lahovary did not return to the clinic. The majority of her personal belongings, save for her notebook and recorder, were found in her tent.
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Dr. Lucia Lahovary has been declared missing. The identities of her attackers and captors are currently unknown, with both the UN-GOC and MCF unable to provide any further information.
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Aftercare: The patient was discharged from the clinic on 16/08/2026 LT. That afternoon, she visited her aunt with Nurse Ivy Drip and two Alcur guards. Her aunt confirmed she had never sent a note to the clinic nor seen Dr. Lahovary. The boy who delivered the message was found in town, and explained that he had been paid by a stranger.
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The patient has asked to stay on at the clinic. She now works the night shift with Nurse Ivy Drip: checking temperatures, changing bedding, and sitting with anyone who can't sleep.
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Aftermath: Missing Personnel Conference - Case-MB-01
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Attendees:
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\n- Dr. Alcur
\n- Dr. Phoe C. Chan
\n- Dr. Tieman
\n- Dr. Grignard
\n- UN-GOC Liaison Officer Beatrice Bugh
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Q1) Was the operation successful?
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Dr. Chan: Yes. The patient's most recent blood test shows no sign of infection. Dr. Lahovary's method worked exactly as predicted. Metalblood cannot survive in undead blood.
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Q2) What happened to Dr. Lahovary?
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Dr. Tieman: A full-spectrum light flood at a doorway, followed by a recovery team that went for her notes before anything else. That screams Foundation.
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Officer Bugh: Our investigation hasn't confirmed that. The boy described the man who paid him as local, around forty, wearing a cap. That describes half the men in Boca. The house Lucia went to has been empty for two years. Whoever was waiting for her there cleaned up very well. We couldn't find any trace of them.
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Officer Bugh: But our river monitors did log one unregistered boat heading upstream toward Lake Nicaragua at 22:15 that night. We lost them before they reached the lake, and we haven't been able to find the boat since.
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Officer Bugh: We do have a couple of suspects lined up. There's the Whetstone Society. A group who hunt anomalous humans for sport, they've started spreading their expeditions to Central America. Maybe some members of the Council of 108? A few have voiced opposition to Alcur's work and involvement in our World, but I don't think any of them would do something like this. There's the Chaos Insurgency. They have a long history of operating in Central America and an even longer one with the Foundation. Dr. Lahovary's findings would be useful for them. There's also the Foundation themselves, but our agreement with them bars them from any involvement with the Cegua. Every group has denied involvement. Except for the Insurgency, of course.
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Dr. Tieman: And the Foundation?
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Officer Bugh: Denied it, like everyone else.
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Dr. Tieman: And you seriously believe that? Agreements are one thing, but they're not promises.
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Officer Bugh: I\u2026 can't say what my team thinks.
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Q3) How do we continue treatment of the remaining patients?
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Dr. Grignard: We can't, not with this method. The transference depended on Dr. Lahovary's body, something we don't have any more.
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Decision(s): The recording and all related testimony are to be given to the UN-GOC. The search for Dr. Lahovary will continue under UN-GOC direction. (Decision taken by Dr. Alcur and the hospital board.)
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Conclusions:
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\n- The UN-GOC has extended its monitoring to cover the whole of Lake Nicaragua. No further sightings have been reported
\n- Security has increased in all UN-GOC/MCF clinics.
\n- Dr. Grignard is to lead research into a Metalblood treatment that does not depend on Dr. Lahovary.
\n- Dr. Chan is to collect new samples from the eleven remaining patients at Boca de S\u00e1balos to confirm Dr. Lahovary's findings.
\n- No Alcur staff member on a Medical Mission is to leave a clinic alone, for any reason.
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Cite this page as:
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For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
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\nFilename: lucia.jpg
\nName: Roxana Saberi
\nAuthor: Michael Gross
\nLicense: CC0
\nSource Link: Wikimedia
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\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
\n\n| APPROVED 30.IV.1986 | \nPRINTOUT NR: 1 | \nSIGNED .................. S | \n
\n\n| DEPARTMENT HEAD III-P-9-GR | \nD.NR: 4-VI-1986 | \nRESPONSIBLE PERSONNEL: Rozhkov L. Yevgenievich | \n
\n\n| DETAIL | \nOSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" is the designation for a population of large hominids, numbering approximately 90 individuals, which was discovered by military liquidators in a section of dense forest outside of Pripyat. The individuals are bipedal non-human primates, characterized by fur that covers their entire body and a prominent forehead crest. They are believed to be nocturnal, forest-dwelling, and hostile.
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\nThe \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" population inhabits the entire region of forest, displaying aggression to those that enter this territory; however, this aggression has not exceeded threatening vocalizations and attempts to chase out perceived intruders. Reports claim populations of \"ALMA KYIVSCHYNA\" have been spotted in towns and villages outside the Chernobyl nuclear power plant following its recent core meltdown.
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\nBasic intelligence tests performed in the field on \"ALMA KYIVSCHYNA\" reveal a similar level of intelligence to that of non-human primates such as chimpanzees. Basic problem solving skills, and cognitive ability could be observed. Signs of higher level intelligence have not been observed, but may be potentially observable in a controlled environment, within a secure facility. Considerations ongoing.
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\nCurrently, the population poses no possible threat to state security, and have been pushed back into a more isolated area of forest. However, due to their appearance and potential ability to inspire mythological and fantastical thoughts in civilians, the spread of information about \"ALMA KYIVSCHYNA\" is to be swiftly contained. The fate of the population itself is to be decided at a later date.
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\nProposed uses:
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\n (i) Medical and Chemical Testing - Approved - Due to their biological similarity to humans, the population can be used as testing subjects for anomalous/non-anomalous weaponry, medicine and other products.
\n (i) Sustenance Livestock - Rejected - The recent incident at Chernobyl has created a massive amount of unexpected soldiers and liquidators moving into the area. These can be fed with meat from the population, claimed to be beef or pork.
\n (i) Pack Mules - Rejected - The Chernobyl incident has also created a lot of military and clean-up material which needs to be moved from one place to another. The population appears strong enough to lift heavy material and could be utilised for this purpose. | \n![\"Emblem_of_the_GRU.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/alma-kyivshchyna/Emblem_of_the_GRU.png\") | \n
\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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\n\n| REQUEST FOR INVENTORY DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT I | \n
\n\n| 2.V.1986 | \nD.NR: 5-VI-1986 | \nATTACHED TO DOCUMENT 4-VI-1986 | \n
\n\n| SENDER: Rozhkov L. Yevgenievich | \n | \nRECIPIENT: Vasnev Georgiy | \n
\n\n| DETAIL | \nAfter reading the reports from the field, I would like some specimens to be collected and brought to the facility just outside of Vyshhorod. Despite their seemingly simple nature, they are primates, and Western scientists have achieved great success with training chimpanzees and gorillas into displaying higher intelligence.
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\nDue to the more human-like physiology of the \"ALMA KYIVSCHYNA\", they should be much easier to train with tools. If I don't achieve any success, then the specimens can be swiftly returned to the general population.
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\nContinue to keep information about the population from spreading - especially to regular Party members. Have the individuals delivered to the facility in 3 days time. | \n | \n
\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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\n\n| PROJECT UPDATE DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT I | \n
\n\n| 6.V.1986 | \nD.NR: 11-VI-1986 | \nATTACHED TO DOCUMENT 4-VI-1986 | \n
\n\n| SENDER: Rozhkov L. Yevgenievich | \n | \nRECIPIENT: Vasnev Georgiy | \n
\n\n| DETAIL | \nOver the last few days I have run extensive testing on three of the \"ALMA KYIVSCHYNA\" organisms. I have come to the gradual conclusion that they are completely unlike typical non-human primates, putting physiology aside. While most of the time, they do not display higher intelligence, there were a good number of instances in which I was completely surprised. I will document some of these instances below.
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\nI had presented one of the beings with a piece of paper and a pencil in order to see if it could express anything through writing. There was little progress for multiple hours - apart from a space of around 6 minutes, when it suddenly began to perfectly and accurately write down the dimensions of the room it was placed in, my name (which I had told it) and the word-for-word instructions I had given it. This could not be repeated again.
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\nOne of the organisms was presented with a simple plastic puzzle to retrieve a piece of food. It then proceeded to meticulously and systematically dismantle the puzzle into its individual components, while not even seeming interested in the food item. This was only able to be repeated once - all other tests had the puzzle solved normally.
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\nThis final incident is, without measure, the most significant. Orangutans and chimpanzees create nests at night in order to rest. One of the beings was left alone overnight with some assorted vegetation. When I returned in the morning, instead of a nest, there were 3 orb-like structures. I managed to retrieve one, but the being acted hostile to these creations and destroyed two when the chamber was entered. The creation was made purely from the vegetation, but when I put pressure on a small raised area on the side, the top of the orb opened up smoothly. Some food was stored inside. It was like a machine.
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\nSomething is locked away in these organisms, hidden underneath a layer of animalistic simpleness. Two things are going to happen now. The first is that the rest of the \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" population is to be rounded up and detained. The second is that our entire collection of anomalous technology is to be thoroughly searched for anything relating to intelligence and cognitive ability.
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\nThese beings could provide a useful asset to the State besides simple testing. It is imperative that this usefulness is completely explored. | \n | \n
\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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\n\n| PROJECT UPDATE DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT I | \n
\n\n| 10.V.1986 | \nD.NR: 12-VI-1986 | \nATTACHED TO DOCUMENT 4-VI-1986 | \n
\n\n| SENDER: Rozhkov L. Yevgenievich | \n | \nRECIPIENT: Vasnev Georgiy | \n
\n\n| DETAIL | \nSomething useful has been found.
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\nWell, \"useful\" is perhaps the wrong word. Something with the potential to be useful has been found. It's a serum we pulled from a collection in Samarkand. It dates back to the 14th century, and was believed to have been used by the noted Tamerlane to sharpen his skills as a military strategist. The serum's function, unlocking past memories and increasing intelligence, proved vital in his extensive conquests. However, it needs to be synthesised and picked apart, as it is not currently functional. But the basis is still there. And we have the best anomalous scientists in the world - it can be done.
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\nAs well as a synthesis, it needs to be developed in order to be applicable to the brain structure of the \"ALMA KYIVSCHYNA\" beings. And, on top of that, a device needs to be developed to house and administer the serum. There is a lot of work ahead, but as I've said - it can certainly be done.
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\nIt has occurred to me, and some others, that it is as if nature has provided us with a potential solution to the situation at Chernobyl. If we do manage to unlock something within them, then it is highly possible they can assist with the cleanup - and they might be extremely motivated to do so, due to the incident's disturbance of their habitat. This could be the solution to our difficulties in cleaning and containing the Chernobyl incident.
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\nRight now, the rest of the beings are being moved into a secure facility. I will assist the scientist in the development of the serum. Keep a close eye on all the individuals and note down any examples of higher intelligence being displayed. | \n | \n
\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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\n\n| PROJECT \"BABEL\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
\n\n| APPROVED 11.V.1986 | \nPRINTOUT NR: 1 | \nSIGNED .................. CS | \n
\n\n| DEPARTMENT HEAD III-P-9-GRU | \nD.NR: 2-VII-1986 | \nPROJECT TARGET: To develop and construct a device by which the latent intelligence and awareness of \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" beings can be brought forth and stimulated.
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\nPROJECT HEAD: Rozhkov L. Yevgenievich | \n
\n\n| DETAIL | \nThe population of unidentified humanoid species discovered near Pripyat, designated \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA,\" has been found to possess a potential for cognition and technological capability far surpassing expected levels. It is the belief of the project team that if this potential can be unlocked, these beings can be effectively used as workers to assist in reactor cleanup efforts due to their durable physiology, nocturnal behavior, and other physical characteristics.
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\nThe components of this project are as follows:
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\n(i) An anomalous serum, chemically resynthesized from past samples; capable of resurfacing forgotten memories and abilities, drastically accelerating the forming of new neural connections, and increasing the brain's capacity for higher-order mental processes. This serum has been modified based on DNA scans of \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" individuals, and the molecular concentration multiplied approximately tenfold.
\n(ii) A device capable of injecting this liquid into key areas of the brain simultaneously, followed by a series of electroconvulsive shocks. This device takes the form of a heavy, grey skull attachment with eight gun-like needles bolted on the inside shell. When activated, the needles are designed to synchronously enter the skull and affect all cranial regions. The electroconvulsive shocks have been deemed a necessary component of the procedure to maximize the speed and the intensity of effect.
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\nI will test this procedure on two specimens and ascertain their greater benefit to the Soviet cause. I am confident that we will soon see them prove their worth. They certainly have reason to. | \n | \n
\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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\n\n| PROJECT UPDATE DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT I | \n
\n\n| 14.V.1986 | \nD.NR: 5-VII-1986 | \nATTACHED TO DOCUMENT 4-VI-1986 | \n
\n\n| SENDER: Rozhkov L. Yevgenievich | \n | \nRECIPIENT: Vasnev Georgiy | \n
\n\n| DETAIL | \nFirstly I would like to thank you for your warm words regarding Project \"BABEL\". I am well aware of the sacrifices that have been made and continue to be made to protect the people of the affected regions and I am honored to serve the Soviet Union in this duty.
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\nI am also proud to announce a breakthrough - one that may well be exactly what we need. As I expected, the procedure worked completely. In fact, the abilities of the ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA go beyond anything any of us could ever dream. Although they were initially hostile, through repeated and regular conversation I was able to forge a camaraderie with them, which their ability to quickly learn and grasp language made considerably easier. They are ancient, and highly advanced beings. They have offered the usage of their own paratech, labor force, and knowledge to assist in the resolution of the Chernobyl crisis. I have attached an interview log and the proposed terms of our alliance to this document.
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\nAdditionally, I have noted your concerns that the concentration of the serum solution exceeds the typical bounds of safe usage; however, it is important to note that the physiology of the beings is significantly different and can handle a more intense dosage. Also, the degree to which they have been cognitively decelerated (for what reason I am still unclear on\u2014the beings remain evasive on this issue) requires that to reach their peak ability drastic measures must be taken. In fact, it may not even be enough yet.
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\nI look forward to meeting you in person this week to discuss the management of this matter further. | \n | \n
\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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\n\n| INTERVIEW LOG DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT II | \n
\n\n| 14.V.1986 | \nD.NR: 6-VI-1986 | \nATTACHED TO DOCUMENT 5-VII-1986 | \n
\n\n| TRANSCRIPT | \nAttached is the transcript of an excerpted interview of a single individual from the \"ALMA KYIVSCHYNA\" group that has been enhanced through project \"BABEL\". Interviewer is project second-in-command Ikanov Yaroslavovich.
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\nIY: Do you understand me?
\nAK-1: Jailers\u2026yes, I understand the situation well. Your kind desecrated this land, hold us prisoner\u2014and now seek to speak to us? To reverse your ancient sin? I understand the situation, but your motives elude me.
\nIY: My name is Ikanov Yaroslavovich. I am not holding you prisoner. I want to help you. What do you call yourself?
\nAK-1: How you and yours forget what is conveniently painful. We are the Yeren, those who your kin subjected to the day of flowers, those who shackled and culled us. There is little help you could render us. You have broken the shackles upon our minds, true; but everything else that was once ours is no more.
\nIY: I am not like those that hurt you. I assure you, we can improve the conditions of your people's lives. Please, listen to what I have to say.
\nAK-1: The soul of cruelty is still part of you, part of all the children of the Sun. You may have buried it underneath your civilization, but your hearts have not changed.
\nIY: Perhaps that's true. But we need to set that aside if we are to both gain from this.
\nAK-1: You took from us the world. Cities that touched the ends of the Earth. The mastery of biology and technology as one seamless unit. The peak of civilization.
\nIY: And\u2026is this technology still available to you?
\nAK-1: It is dust now as it has been for thousands of years. We have kept the knowledge of it still.
\nIY: A few weeks ago, there was an incident near your home. An accident, involving a nuclear reactor. It has caused many problems for our people, and I would venture that it has affected you as well.
\nAK-1: Yes. You tried to take advantage of the atom and it bit back at you. You should be thankful things were not worse. For a people in your state you would be lucky to have any mastery over this power at all.
\nIY: We've both been hurt by this accident. The destruction of the land is a problem for both of us. I think we can help each other, so that we can deal with the fallout faster and return to the way things were faster.
\nAK-1: This offer you make is one out of self-interest. Do not think I cannot see through you. Without the knowledge and the machines we can wield, you would have to surrender this region forever. You do not have the ability to cleanse this crime you created, so you seek to take advantage of our bodies and minds. But you are also clever. By performing this procedure upon us, returning us to our full power, you place me into a hopeless position. If I refuse your offer, I will condemn all the rest of my people to exile from our home for all of time.
\n[The being is silent for several seconds.]
\nAK-1: I will work with your organization. I lend to you my knowledge and my people. I will help you deal with the consequences of your disaster.
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\nResults of further communication are detailed in the subsequently attached document.
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\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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\n\n| PROJECT UPDATE DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT I | \n
\n\n| 14.V.1986 | \nD.NR: 7-VII-1986 | \nATTACHED TO DOCUMENT 5-VII-1986 | \n
\n\n| SENDER: Rozhkov L. Yevgenievich | \n | \nRECIPIENT: Vasnev Georgiy | \n
\n\n| DETAIL | \nThe following is an extensive summary of the agreement that has been made between myself and the two enhanced \"ALMA KYIVSCHYNA\" beings, relating to the containment and clean-up of the Chernobyl incident, reached after as much extensive communication as was possible.
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\nThe beings will provide us with man-power and co-operation in cleaning up the Chernobyl incident. Furthermore, using their apparent knowledge of bio-technology, they will work on creating some pieces of technology which can provide a greater use than the ones that we currently possess. The exact nature of this technology is not clear, as the beings refuse to elaborate on it.
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\nHowever, as expected, there are also conditions for us. Once the clean-up is complete, the beings wish to be fully enhanced and returned to their original location of discovery, before being left completely undisturbed by human forces. This has been formally agreed to, and the necessary arrangements are currently being made with officials in the local Oblast for this to occur after the clean-up is complete.
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\nPlease send this attachment onward to higher Party officials outside of the division so they can have their input. | \n | \n
\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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\n\n| URGENT MESSAGE DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT I | \n
\n\n| 15.V.1986 | \nD.NR: 25-VI-1986 | \nATTACHED TO DOCUMENT 5-VII-1986 | \n
\n\n| SENDER: Pashin Antonovich | \n | \nRECIPIENT: Rozhkov L. Yevgenievich | \n
\n\n| DETAIL | \nI am sending this message to express a minor concern I had regarding the enhancement technology we are using on the \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" beings.
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\nDuring the development of the device, some brief testing was done on a few samples of primate brain tissue in order to correctly match up the baseline serum to enhance the cognition of the new beings. As is obvious, the testing was a success and so the development of the technology proceeded smoothly without issue.
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\nThis morning, we happened to be disposing of the sample tissue and decided to have a final look. What we saw was\u2026 fairly disturbing. The Schwann cells around the brain neuron axons had totally broken down. The synapses of the nerve cells were no longer firing or responding to any form of stimulus. This was confirmed to be the case in approximately 60% of the sample tissue, and was confirmed by numerous personnel.
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\nWhile I do not believe that this issue necessarily compromises the project as a whole, I still believe it is enough of a concern for a somewhat in-depth investigation.
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\nI appreciate your time in receiving this message. | \n | \n
\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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\n\n| RE:URGENT MESSAGE DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT I | \n
\n\n| 15.V.1986 | \nD.NR: 8-VII-1986 | \nATTACHED TO DOCUMENT 5-VII-1986 | \n
\n\n| SENDER: Rozhkov L. Yevgenievich | \n | \nRECIPIENT: Pashin Antonovich | \n
\n\n| DETAIL | \nThank you for the message of concern regarding Project Babel.
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\nThe issue you described has been looked into, and all the signs point to the fact that this issue does not seem to be a major concern. As you yourself mention, the tissue used was not from the \"ALMA KYIVSCHYNA\" beings themselves, so it is largely not applicable.
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\nFurthermore, if what you described was a serious issue, then it stands to reason that the beings would be experiencing neurological issues currently - and they clearly are not.
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\nNonetheless, thank you for your concern. The Division, and the Soviet Union, is always grateful to have such vigilant individuals such as yourself. | \n | \n
\n\n| OSI \"ALMA KYIVSHCHYNA\" DIVISION \"P\" DEPARTMENT III | \n
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155$ USD is a very affordable price for a soda.
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[From 120's Archives] \u00b7 [Black Diamond Billions]
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![\"{$name}\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--resized-images/ambrose-3ports-soda/{$name}/medium.jpg\"/)
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![\"Ambrose.jpeg\"](\"http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-3ports/Ambrose.jpeg\"/)
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The eye makes sure you tip.
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To say that Ambrose has not had a controversial history in the Three Portlands would perhaps be the biggest lie one can tell (short of any to your mother). With three establishments and one on the way, there is no shortage of inane, blabber-mouthed social media discourse types whining about how their precious hangout spots were bulldozed or how the city \u201cisn\u2019t what it used to be\u201d. Long-time readers will know that I abhor such people; living in the past or the future denies you of the beautiful present, and will stop you from being able to look at what you need to do right now.
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Which for me, is putting this review up! Let\u2019s look at Ambrose\u2019s most unique establishment today: their soda bar.
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(Please note that all images in this review use photos from Ambrose Restaurant\u2019s online menu. I have been given explicit permission to use them for the purposes of this promotional. All opinions within this post, irregardless of said promotion, are mine and mine alone.)
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How It Works
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So, for all the non-Americans here, soda bars are basically diners with a focus more on the drink than the food. They were popular in the 1960s and 70s as American suburbia blossomed free of the metropolitan border, free of the stink and corruption that comes with a city\u2019s lifecycle.
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Ambrose Restaurants aims to create a similar experience, curated to modern tastes but also to the most adventurous of palates. The food is free, but the drinks are not. You get a choice between various types of sandwiches and pastries\u2014I recommend not going too hard on the latter if you\u2019re planning to peruse the sweeter things on the menu.
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This particular establishment also prides itself on its waiterless services (you order everything at kiosks and it\u2019s delivered by a little robot, which, thank god\u2014unenthusiastic servers are a menace to society) which creates a more casual dining environment. This may put off some, but to me, it makes the place perfect to journal, answer emails, or just people watch.
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Drinks Tasted
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![\"rainbow.jpeg\"](\"http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-3ports/rainbow.jpeg\"/)
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The Rainbow Shortcake\u2122 is a classic Three Portlands flavor, created in the days of the cruiser bars. According to the Ambrose man himself, to make it you need a ball of light magic, a single crystal (artificial is fine, but the taste is ever so slightly acrid) and some sparkling water, then boom! You have a drink that changes colors as you sit, and tastes like a strawberry shortcake. Nobody\u2019s been able to explain why that is, and I didn\u2019t particularly care as I sipped, because it went down my throat so smoothly I was in heaven for a whole minute.
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The drink\u2019s taste is impeccable; sweet, but slick and light\u2014though it has a hearty kick with regards to the carbonation, one which almost made me pucker, but I know my readership will appreciate that. You guys were awesome with the Bubbly Contest last month, I loved all the videos you sent me!
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Absolutely worth it.
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\u2605\u2605\u2605\u2605\u2605
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![\"blue.jpeg\"](\"http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-3ports/blue.jpeg\"/)
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Scale Of Quadratics is one of the more adventurous sodas on the menu. I found myself immensely perplexed when I realized what it actually entailed, even more so with the wilder story behind its creation.
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The rumor goes that some fae nobody with her wife (the first owners of this building) found a 2D dragon in the basement. Everyone loved it, from the drag queens to the degenerates, and so much so that it was fed scraps from the bar\u2019s operations (probably greasy pizza crusts, what a health code violation). Because of that, it left behind an infinite pile of scales that can make any liquid flat (like a piece of paper, we\u2019re not getting rid of the bubbles here)!
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How true is this? Well, I tried to do some investigation, but it\u2019s difficult to make out the timeline of this lot\u2019s ownership. The public records are impossible to acquire because of how loose Three Portlands zoning was back in the 70s, not helped at all by how most businesses were running in-the-red operations, expecting their community members to foot their bills when their poor practices inevitably caused them to downsize or abandon ship. Lazy cretins.
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So what\u2019s the drink like?
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Thin. Very thin. Don\u2019t let the photo fool you\u2014it was taken at an angle meant to surprise the customer (including the grapes). It has all the features of a three-dimensional delight: carbonation, delicious muscadine flavor, and a crisp mouthfeel, but it\u2019ll be hitting your tongue in what feels like wet strips of rice paper as it slides up and down between your teeth.
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It was difficult for me to finish, but only because it intimidated me so much. Highly recommended regardless, it\u2019s an experience like no other.
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\u2605\u2605\u2605\u2605\u2606\u00bd
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![\"ants.jpeg\"](\"http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-3ports/ants.jpeg\"/)
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80$ USD (ants not shown)
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Who hasn\u2019t heard of the Dew of Faedonia at this point? Besides the nonsensical name (which I suppose is normal for fae, they are rather involved with that kind of thing, aren\u2019t they?) the violent history behind it is very well-documented. Little ants that lived near magic leaks around the Ways to the Three Portlands becoming capable of producing a sweet dew that became a base for cocktails\u2014it\u2019s a cute story until you realize they were used as weapons against police officers. Weapons whose venom mutated their bodies into cancerous mush, all because the bar owners didn\u2019t want to follow the law.
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I do have to give them some credit at least. The laws they were breaking were silly, and outdated, in desperate need of renovation, but must violence have been the outcome? Why not just escape? The police had no jurisdiction over the Three Portlands in the late 60s, they still hardly do now.
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Irregardless of that, the drink is alright. It has a fat-washed flavor (they use duck fat I believe), which gives it a savory body, but a heavy mouthfeel. It\u2019s quite the savory experience now that I\u2019m putting my tasting to words, which isn\u2019t what I expected from carbonation, but I\u2019m not going to complain. The umami is unbeaten.
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What I will make my complaints to the chef about is the fact they put the actual ants in the drink. Yes, ants! They\u2019re not little either, so you have to peer into their dead, bulbous eyes while you drink, hoping their poor little souls passed on safely because you\u2019re enjoying the nectar of their labors without them.
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The only reason this review is not 1.5 stars is because you are given the option to remove the ants from the drink at the kiosk, which I did not do as I wanted the full experience (and honestly I thought they would be candies or gummies. Not the real deal!) Because of that, I am willing to review this based off the drink alone, recommending this only to readers with souls made of iron or for those who like Bloody Mary cocktails on the regular.
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\u2605\u2605\u2605\u2606\u2606\u00bd
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![\"monster.jpeg\"](\"http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-3ports/monster.jpeg\"/)
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Be careful with the Monster Mania, it bites!
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It doesn\u2019t actually, though. It merely cries and whimpers as you drink it. I\u2019ve been assured it\u2019s not in any lasting pain, so readers don\u2019t need to worry about hurting anything here, especially you vegans.
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Hands down the best thing I had all day. Pure spiced indulgence, old-school cola flavor at its finest. Yes, it comes in a can, but only because its a little creature that is imbibing notes like cinnamon, cardamom and lemon. This is why you have to be careful with the outside when you drink, because you\u2019ll be charged extra if you crush it or throw it away.
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Sad they don\u2019t smile at all. There\u2019s some silly online videos about these things only smiling when exposed to loud music and dancing crowds, but that\u2019s so tacky, you know? Yes, this building used to have one of those, yes nobody knows why Ambrose got zoned here because it was such an integral part of the neighborhood, but mosh pits are too tacky! A death to the soul, to raising well-mannered children and those of us with good taste!
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Don\u2019t give me any more ruckus in my comments about how I\u2019m \u201cignorant\u201d about this. I don\u2019t care who was before, and most people like me won\u2019t either. Gay, straight, bisexual, queer\u2014everyone can live as they please, but being a community means that we have to compromise on what gets built and what doesn\u2019t, and some of us have more needs than others.
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Rant over. But that\u2019s what you guys follow me for, yes? My beautiful thoughts and couture actions?
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Now, back to the drink. For such an affordable price and a wondrous flavor, how could anyone say no to this?
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\u2605\u2605\u2605\u2605\u2605
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Concluding Thoughts
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Fun time! It is truly wonderful that Ambrose has given the Three Portlands community an alcohol-free space to hang out, safe for children and family-friendly in every way. Though some would argue it\u2019s sanitized, and ahistorical, we shall call it progress, and growth for the taste buds of blossoming foodies everywhere!
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And it\u2019s not all that we\u2019ll be seeing\u2014Marshall, Carter and Dark is supposedly digging around this beautiful bowl-horizon town, looking to flush Ambrose Restaurants and others with cash, reinvigorating them and transforming the local scene into something even more exciting than we\u2019ve got now. What do you guys think about that? I\u2019m hoping it\u2019s more alcohol-free establishments; it promotes homelessness and loitering in the worst possible ways (I saw some idiot passed out by the door when I was walking today!). Best to get rid of it as much as possible so the degenerates can be swept out of the eyes of hard-working people.
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It's a concept that makes one think both \"why hasn't this already been tried?\" and \"why hasn't it already failed?\" One expects a debacle with a death toll. This could be nothing less than a breaker of reputations, an epicure's perdition, a nightmare never meant to come to pass. Ambrose Alagadda.
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When I arrived at the logical end of everything carnal and carnivorous, therefore, I wondered if I myself was not about to become that tragic headline.
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A bond \u2014 a curse, actually \u2014 prevents me from disclosing how I entered that most damned of all hellscapes, relentless Alagadda. I was whisked there in secret and in shame, Mr. Ambrose himself assuring me a more auspicious form of access will be provided when this attraction welcomes its select dining public. I should hope so, as there can be no more ominous opening of a feast than first passing through the Athenaeum of Severed Tongues. I swore to keep mine, but never to hold it, as I stepped out onto the ziggurat streets of the dead city.
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I parted ways with my host on the library steps \u2014 he was meeting an 'old friend', who unless I am much mistaken was none other than the Deathless Merchant of London \u2014 and was introduced to my guide for the duration. This was Louis, a name I shall never forget, a captivating, ravishing soul with whom I was instantly smitten and enraptured. I am breathless as I write these words. I cannot describe him more minutely, for every failure would bring a pang to my devoted heart. I am jealous of the details at any rate; I cannot countenance the thought of any but myself possessing them. Suffice to say, I was now primed for a pleasant evening.
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But those benighted under Alagadda's eternal, jaundiced day know not the meaning of the word 'pleasure'. They play at it, and play hard, but their every pursuit is fruitless at best. They cannot achieve joy. They cannot smell a rose. Stimulation, whether gentle or otherwise, is beyond them. The critical moment escapes them every time, though this is not for want of trying. The city is a non-stop orgiastic symphony at every moment, faceless thralls to an abyssal monarchy harassing their deadened senses with any and all excitants on offer. They do this to trigger the faintest, most ephemeral half-memory of what it means to know anything but horror and despair.
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These facts were on my mind as I considered my culinary prospects in the kingdom of the damned. Would Ambrose attempt an 'authentic' Alagaddan experience, and nip my sense of taste in the buds? My very career might be at stake. Would they instead present something so utterly overwhelming that it parsed as nothing at all, nothing better perhaps than an eldritch ghost pepper? The harm would then be to their own good name, and the restaurateur is far too canny for that. I posed the question to my companion, and he smiled cryptically and said nothing as he guided me to the first station of our pilgrimage.
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I suddenly thought that I loved him.
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\nDisclaimer: I penned each section of this review after completing the experience it relates, and have not since returned to amend my opinions or suspicions in light of how the entire adventure concluded. I have not the heart, nor indeed the stomach.
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Yellow
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The closest thing to a restaurant in Alagadda is the Vomitorium. This immense amphitheatre dominates the Bilious Quarter, perched on the edge of a dramatic precipice into which one quarter of its outer walls fell long before the fall of man. A soaring aqueduct which seems somehow to stand behind the black stars in their yellow sky disgorges a fragrant payload into this gargantuan pit, a heterogeneous stream far more profound than the city's population can possibly produce, in a fall of effluvia like the seepage of some cyclopean wound. An all-consuming stench wafts from the murky depths where this discharge lands, a miasma the eye can see \u2014 a sickly green against the tawny fog of the ceaselessly boiling sky. Unlike my Louis (sweet, carefree Louis!) I would describe the aroma better if I could, but my skills fail utterly. Did the words even exist, they would be unprintable. The paper would likely rebel.
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The Vomitorium's vantage on this ghastly procession is no accident. In the hopeless undeath-march that passes for passing time in Alagadda, its citizen-corpses gather here to reclaim the noxious fume of their own foulness and stir themselves to an approximation of intestinal action. They cannot savour, but they can spit, and this wrong-way esophageal action is what passes for eating in the demesnes of the Yellow Lord. (Where they get the matter to cough it up in such quantities, even the sages cannot know.) The amphitheatre is always awash with vomitus and excrement, and if one stands in precisely the right spot on the rim of the neighbouring septic gulf, the collective heaving can be discerned as a grace note in the boisterous bolero of blood and faeces and black, black bile erupting from that pestilential fissure.
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![\"Yellow.jpg\"](\"https://scp-sandbox-3.wdfiles.com/local--files/harry-blank-8/Yellow.jpg\"/)
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Bile.
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On that spot, Ambrose has erected a hot dog stand.
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I confess it an act of genius. A frowning attendant prepared for me something he called 'Bratwurst' \u2014 he made the first syllable rhyme with 'mat', and fearful of learning things I could not after unlearn, I did not venture to correct him \u2014 and foisted it on me in a bun like that which any cheap vendor in any mundane city might have offered. I asked Louis if he would also partake, and he demurred, saying only \"that would spoil dinner.\" Spared the sight of his lovely lips closing over this disappointing appetizer, therefore, I consumed it myself in short order.
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And for the second time today, I fell in love.
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There is nothing, nothing quite like the taste of street meat near an open sewer. It's a dirty little secret of urban life. The hot sun bakes what lies beneath a city's skin to congealing soup, and whilst our mouths are regretfully occupied with cased ground meat, our noses attend that more distant, perversely tantalizing bouquet. I don't know why this registers as agreeable, but it most definitely does. Foulness makes fair. What would otherwise be unremarkable, even distasteful, becomes revoltingly satisfying through attunement to the environment.
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This is the case with ordinary sewage. What churns in Alagadda's secret viscera is anything but ordinary.
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I was transported, carried aloft on a wave of euphoria. My nasal passages were seared black by the redolent commingling of stomach acid and feculence on the dry wind, and in that moment I would have sworn nothing more delectable had ever passed through my gullet. Perhaps the sausage was unnecessary. They could have sold me the putrid airs as amuse-bouche, with the little tube of offal mere placebo.
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I began to think that perhaps, just perhaps, there really was something to this concept.
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Red
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The corruption pervading the Sanguine Quarter is nothing like the insalubrious mist of its xanthous cousin. At first blush it seems only a minor variation on the Alagaddan standard, if such a thing can be said to exist, but on second glance the corpulence makes itself known. Ribbed arcades \u2014 quite literally ribbed \u2014 of flesh and muscle, marrow kurbs and pustulent throbbing thoroughfares. Gristle pressing between the cracks like mortar. Promenades with heartbeats. Gore in the gutters.
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The people of this district are nude; 'denuded' might be a more accurate term, for most are flayed and many are flensed. They fall apart, and pull themselves together, and fall apart again. There are strange, mewling creatures in the swelling storm drains which skitter here and there, picking at the parts and stealing them away to secret dens beneath the fatty cobbles. There is everywhere a scent of saffron and seared meat, with an undercurrent of soiled undergarment. I sucked down deep, greedy breaths to tide myself over; the sausage on the cistern's edge already seemed a lifetime ago. Louis sang softly to me in a tongue I did not know, and I pulled it from him with my own tongue until both of us were singing like crystal bells. Suppurated mouths in the red colonnades sang back to us in plutonic basso.
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I had expected to dine at the Rubicund, the Red Lord's notorious rathskeller, but Louis led me past that forbidding gilded fa\u00e7ade \u2014 I had the sensation of being watched, assessed, found wanting by its leering portals \u2014 into back alleys running at odd angles through the Quarter, cutting red granite blocks like a river carving its canyon. More apropos: veins breaking the city's skin. When at last our destination came in sight, bannered and filigreed and presenting salaciously in the very middle of the road, I was surprised but not particularly confused.
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This was no restaurant. But it was a place where appetites had traditionally been, if not sated, then at least addressed.
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![\"Red.jpg\"](\"https://scp-sandbox-3.wdfiles.com/local--files/harry-blank-8/Red.jpg\"/)
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Blood.
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There were no tables, and no chairs. The meat was red. It was not raw in the sense of being uncooked, but raw like a new lesion. It bled, and the blood overtopped my plate to seep into the hungry sheets. Before long we were squirming on a mattress of clotting crimson. The bed contracted and expanded as we ate, groaning with inanimate bliss.
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We ate together, Louis and I, joined as it were at the hip. Sharing each morsel, sharing each other. I know what he tasted, and he knew every cut that passed between my teeth. I suspect in our revelatory throes we even fed each other like birds, while the red attendants laughed and covered us in stinking oils and waved censers filled with alien aphrodisiacs.
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Suffice to say the hot dog was quite forgotten by the time we swaggered back onto the breathing streets, arm in arm and laughing in the midst of our hemophiliac hosts, revelling in a curious juxtaposition of feeling spent and filled quite to bursting. We were one.
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White
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After the assault on the senses that was the Red Lord's domain, the Phlegmatic Quarter was like a bath of mountain ice. White stone scoured of every maker's mark, anonymous under the cold suns, seemingly sprung from a sunken cliff of weathered chalk. Tiny fossils of terrible things squirming in the grain, heedless of their own extinction, not alive but testifying to the flight of life from every grain. Streets wound in whorls around each other, and yet each seemed so straight, so rigidly adherent to some totally dominant Plan we felt our bodies squaring out in response. We were extraneous to its function, interlopers, too impure and too profligate. We were made to feel the shame of our designs\u2026
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\u2026or rather, I was. Louis was no less sanguine here than amidst the red. He was my rock as we navigated the pale waters of white cloaked, white masked Alagaddans who stood stock still in the dry-bled arteries, stiff and staggering when they did move, doing little but bear mute witness to lane after cloister after gallery of faceless architecture. My lover navigated this helical purgatory to the third of Ambrose's stations, and a trick of timing meant we witnessed the arrival of our fare ahead of us. The White Lord's chattel recoiled from the promised piquance of each dish, even hidden from their masked eyes by onyx platters with black mirror lids \u2014 or perhaps they recoiled at their own distorted visages, who can say. As our attendants passed through the portico of a colossal temple to nothing and nothingness the ivory slaves shied away, making strange signs at us which Louis dotingly warned me not to remember.
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Within, a bounty fit for a king (though that is a word they do not speak in Alagadda). Roast mutton and pulled pork, trenchers of fresh bread and sweetbreads, gravy and quail and more. I was transfixed as I watched them set the table. I hungered as I had never hungered before. What I had taken for satisfaction in the Sanguine Quarter was now obviously a passing fancy \u2014 what had really been so wonderful about wine and rare steak, no matter how rarefied the company? \u2014 and as for the hot dog, well. I could now see why it had been relegated to the forgettable outset of our tour. I craved something stronger. Something powerful. I was ravenous, and thus far Ambrose had utterly failed to indulge me. Even these coming delicacies seemed too familiar, too prosaic, too\u2026 earthly. If I could have it at the Ritz, why bother sailing past the shores of what is not?
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![\"White.jpg\"](\"https://scp-sandbox-3.wdfiles.com/local--files/harry-blank-8/White.jpg\"/)
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Phlegm.
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I ought not to have doubted.
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A trembling young man, very much alive and in apparent good health \u2014 nothing was hidden from our sight, if you take my meaning \u2014 was led into the nave where sat a solitary table, and he sat down in front of what I had taken for our meal. And he began to eat it. And we watched him.
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He spent hours, it seemed to me, on every bite. He savoured each texture, sucked the moisture from each morsel, downed the wine as though he were drowning, and it was air. Louis licked his lips, and I longed to lick them too. We held hands, and before long both were bleeding with the tension. We felt release would never come. The young man was weeping, but never quickened his pace, and never stopped. Never begged for mercy. He ate, and we witnessed. Our attendants turned their backs on this display, unable to countenance such a break in porcelain stoicism.
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And then, when a lifetime had passed and the food was all consumed, the young man stood. The chief attendant walked to the table and lifted an empty goblet, one which had never been filled, while their assistant grasped the diner somewhere sensitive. His eyes bulged out, and his breathing quickened, and in his pain and the aftermath of such gluttony the veins across his body stood out like a roadmap of debauchery. The assistant drew a bone-white finger over each of these purpling conduits, and one by one they split. Split like the meat of a tree, syrup spilling forth from every trunk. Not red, like blood, but clear like water. The young man shuddered and shook, and his mouth frothed with spittle, and his eyes rolled back, and his complexion faded, and the goblet was filled, and when it was over a withered, desiccated thing was all that remained.
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The assistant presented the goblet to their master, who presented it to Louis, who presented it to me. We drank from it together, he and I, and
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\no! what rhapsodies they sing of
\nsapid claret from the sting that
\ndraws each passion from the soul to
\nfill the wand'ring sinner's bowl!
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Black
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So much of Alagadda is an open sore, the Melancholic Quarter was almost refreshing. It is a ruin sheathed in scabrous black, as though the dead of Pompeii and Herculaneum had raised again their toppled towers with the matter of their blasted bodies. An abattoir turned over to the management of its livestock, their former slaughterers now mutilated in turn. They limp through treacly streets, barely able to raise their feet from the clinging muck, masks of joy on weeping faces and of sorrow on those who laugh far past the line of madness. This is a place of penance and endings, where the Regent of Alagadda parades in triumph sounded from mute belfries which stir orphaned echoes up from cellars deep.
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![\"Black.jpg\"](\"https://scp-sandbox-3.wdfiles.com/local--files/harry-blank-8/Black.jpg\"/)
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Ichor.
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In the mephitic terraces of the Rancid Garden, beneath fungal blooms of grey and jet, I asked my love to bind himself to me. He swore me an oath I knew he had been born to swear. His joy was radiant in the tenebrescent ink of Alagadda. A spectre in the profane earth beneath was judge and witness.
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The final stage of our voyage, the consummation of everything we had meant to each other, took us to the very skirts of the Hanged King's dread palace. It loomed above and around us, the cadaver of a cathedral on a cosmic scale, and in the husk of an ancient apothecary beneath its flanged spires where fattened slugs the size of cattle sat in indolent hideousness, I sat down to my final meal. Louis left me with a kiss, and a knowing smile, heading to the kitchens for his part in preparation.
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What I consumed at this last supper erased all memory of what had come before \u2014 not only in Alagadda, but across the entirety of my brief and grey existence \u2014 then replaced it tenfold plus. The sharp contrast of excrement and offal, the tenderness of loins, the exquisite agony of anticipation and release, it all crashed through me as I tore through liver, kidney, gall and heart, and was obliterated utterly. There was no Constance. There was no supper. No Alagadda. Only the cloying brown note of absolute, profligate, forsaken, traitorous sacrilege.
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After such a meal as that\u2026 what use, my liar's tongue?
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I scarcely believe it can be I who penned the above. It must have been some trick, some bewitchment, to make me dedicate such a paean to tastes already faded from my lips. I left the apothecary and strolled the sickly streets without escort or aim, fuller and emptier than ever a body has been, until I found myself at the Brobdingnagian steps of the Hanged King's Palace and felt the yawning vacuum at its core summoning a similar void within me. How unsatisfied I was. I am a creature of complex desire, desire with many names which can only be spoken in xanthous light, desire with aphotic depth, and no tedious pub crawl can possibly grant me even an instant's relief.
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So I passed the shattered pylons and proceeded to the ruptured heart of ruin, the navel of a beast with two black bowels, and was come to Black Alagadda. I took the spiral course to where the ingrown knuckle kneels, chained and betrayed, as I have betrayed. He knows me as I pass the Mocking Throne, where miniscule cackling courtiers dine upon despair.
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Chaz Ambrose is waiting there for me.
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\"'tis only a prelude,\" he smiles, and the hope that blossoms within me turns to acid in a dusty instant. My stomach growls, and penumbral answers echo back. \"You're almost ready for the ultimate experience in fine dining.\"
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And he points to the sealed archway beyond, where even shadows fear to gather.
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I am desperate to see his schemes realized. I am owed satisfaction, and this is the only way I will get it. I will wait here in the dark until the promise has been realized. Nothing else can matter to me now.
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Nothing, I am certain, can fill the god-shaped hole within my stomach but the forbidden delights of Ambrose Adytum.
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Cite this page as:
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For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
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\nFilename: Black.jpg
\nTitle: Dare to reach out your hand into the darkness, to pull another hand into the light. ~Norman B. Rice
\nAuthor: Nick Kenrick
\nLicense: CC BY 2.0
\nSource: flickr
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\nFilename: Red.jpg
\nTitle: Greek Church Ruins, Mykonos, Greece, Cyclades Islands
\nAuthor: John William Hammond
\nLicense: Public Domain
\nSource: flickr
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\nFilename: White.jpg
\nTitle: Ghost stories
\nAuthor: Nick Kenrick
\nLicense: CC BY 2.0
\nSource: flickr
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\nFilename: Yellow.jpg
\nTitle: roman heritage
\nAuthor: Davidlohr Bueso
\nLicense: CC BY 2.0
\nSource: flickr
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Ambrose BackDoor SoHo:
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Grand Opening!
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Fine Art and Fine Dining
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In association with the BackDoor Soho Artistic Associates, Marshall Carter & Dark LLC., and the King of Hearts art collective, Ambrose is proud to present Ambrose BackDoor SoHo, a unique blend of contemporary art and fine dining experiences.
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Part art show, part dining establishment, Ambrose BackDoor SoHo capitalizes on the BackDoor's rich art scene to provide diners a vivid sampler of the cutting edge. Patrons will be served a four-course meal inspired by contemporary BackDoor dining, followed by a tour of an exclusive art gallery curated by MC&D. Finally, the night will end with a live performance, featuring up and coming acts in the anart scene.
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December 11th-14th, 2014
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First Course
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\n- Scarlet Calamari \u2014 The servitor beasts of the King of Dust and Blood, stuffed with finely seasoned breadcrumbs in a creamy tomato sauce. Wild caught; each serving is another beast out of the seas!
\n- Olney Corporate Crostini \u2014 Roasted pork belly braised in a blood orange sauce and garnished with pickled red onions, served on crostini. Locally sourced from the stress-free demon swine that eternally torment the executives of Olney Ironworks at their corporate headquarters.
\n- Margherita \u00e0 la Lindholm \u2014 Sicilian pizza made with buffalo mozarella and a creamy tomato sauce, topped with out-of-this-world fresh tomatoes and basil, bred by reclusive parabotanist Stella Lindholm. Let the world melt around you with each taste.
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Second Course
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\n- Weilstedt Matzfaux-Ball Soup \u2014 A unique, distinctly Nalkan take on an Ashkenazi classic. You won't believe you're eating Weilstedten meat moss until your flesh rejuvenates right before your eyes. Not recommended for pregnant women and cancer survivors, excepting experienced fleshcrafters.
\n- Manhattan Shoggoth Chowder \u2014 The squirming, fascinating meat of a shoggoth in a rich tomato broth. Comes with seasoned crackers; watch your meal stuff itself before your very eyes!
\n- The Perfect Waldorf \u2014 Apples and grapes from the centennial trees of Upstate New York's nameless forests, mayonnaise sourced from the eggs of platonic chickens, walnuts annually self-trimmed from living trees dedicated to self-perfection: anything to elevate the hidden gem of NYC to heights of perfection.
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Main Course
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\n- Delmonico Steak \u2014 Think you've had a Delmonico? Think again. Our Delmonico has been scientifically proven to not only taste better than, but be more of a Delmonico than those served at the Delmonico establishments of old. Proof available upon request.
\n- Parmigiana Without Equal: Eggplant parmigiana stuffed with chicken parmigiana, forever: it's stuffed all the way down.
\n- Primavera of the Old Gods: The vegetables in this dish, grown long before the advent of language, have no name. They make up for that with a distinctly unique taste. Want to know what the old ones ate like?
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Dessert
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\n- cheesecake \u2014 Focus on the cake, and don't worry about the cheese. Some things were never meant to be known by the sapient. Gluten-free.
\n- Black and White Macarons \u2014 A decadent assortment of dual-flavored macarons, representing a variety of chocolates and vanillas from across time and space. Savor each bite; who knows when the shifting tides of the here and now will force us to change the recipe?
\n- Golden Apple Crumble \u2014 There's nothing supernatural about these golden apples, but double-blind tests suggest even the gods can't tell the difference. Proof available upon request.
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Wine and Spirits
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\n- Clown Milk Egg Cream Bourbon \u2014 Don't let the name fool you: you'd be a clown to pass this delicious take on the NYC classic up.
\n- Bloody Mary on the Rack \u2014 Jalape\u00f1o-infused vodka base, Lindholm tomato juice, garnished with a meter-tall, freestanding sculpture of the chef's choice.
\n- Golden Orange Cider \u2014 The signature drink of New York, from another time and another world. Because Ambrose strives to bring our patrons the best, our oranges are guaranteed the mythological significance of that other world.
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+$49 for access to the Violet Gallery
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Opening Night Acts
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House of Spades
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Yellowface
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Soprano
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It's Free Jazz!
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The Music Machine
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Luna Zapata
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\nAmbrose, as a brand, is particularly infamous for relying upon gimmicks in pursuit of customers. It's not particularly surprising; this far behind the veil, it's hard to surprise potential consumers. Harder still to surprise a representative of Marshall Carter & Dark, though I'm pleased to say I was pleasantly surprised with the novelty displayed within.
\nIn accordance to my strict deiphage diet, the dishes that I ordered were the Scarlet Calamari, the Manhattan Shoggoth Chowder, the Primavera of the Old Gods, the cheesecake, and the Golden Orange Cider. I'm pleased to report that not only was each course beautifully prepared, but that the establishment avoided falling to the shortcomings of a great many older deiphagy establishments.
\nI found the general gallery to be interesting enough, being a good mix of artistic medium and style. Of the selection, most would fit right at home in the den of a savvy collector. My only complaint was that, compared to the Violet Gallery, the main floor felt somewhat thematically haphazard.
\nMy biggest complaint largely regards the opening night music show. While I suppose a representative of Marshall Carter & Dark would be the last woman one expects to cry for artistic integrity, inviting an anticapitalist art collective to such a naked display of conspicuous consumption was predictably disastrous, no matter how much one hid it underneath a veneer of \"performance art\". House of Spades and It's Free Jazz! in particular (groups which I've made my distaste for quite clear) worked rather hard to subvert the establishment ambiance.
\nIf not for Luna Zapata's hauntingly beautiful violin, I'd have written off the experience and told you, the reader, not to go. I suppose, however, that some art is just not for me.
\nAs an aside: the building appears to be haunted, which is always a plus. Coming off of Mrs. Zapata's marvelous rendition of the Devil's Trill, I witnessed a weeping woman disappearing into a wall.
\n~Abigail del Toro
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\nCERTAINLY THE ART WORLD OF EARTH IS PECULIAR THOUGH FROM TESTIMONY THROUGH FELLOW ILLUMINATED AMBASSADORS I HAD ASSUMED IT HOSTILE AND UNINHABITABLE
\nHAVING NO NEED FOR THE PRIMITIVE SUSTENANCE I DID NOT PARTAKE
\nTHE MUSIC FELT PLEASANTLY GRIM AND THE VARIOUS INSTALLATIONS WERE DELIGHTFUL DIVERSIONS
\nESPECIALLY THE INTERMITTENT FIDDLE
\n~ THE CHROMATIC VIZIER
\n\nRestaurant Response: Thank you for your patronage! Do note, however, that we did not schedule a fiddler during your visit. You likely heard the cellist.
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\nFood was fucking fantastic. I really don't expect much more from Ambrose than cheap gimmicks pandering to the lowest common regional denominator, but if there's one thing I can say about the food, is that it's nearly always good in spite of such.
\nThe art? Not so much.
\nIn my time eating there, I counted no less than four performance artists, done up as famished specters straight out of one of those pretentious \"die-ins\" you'd see the liberals fawn over back in the 90s.
\n~Robert Stone
\n\nRestaurant Response: That does not sound like the act we had scheduled for your visit. We'll investigate this matter further, but in the mean time, a reimbursment may be in order.
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\nAlright, I've tried, you know? To get into the art scene, not as an artist but as a man who goes to art galleries. I want to have fun, you know? Not be bombarded with performative woke nonsense, spearheaded by some hack who thinks she's clever.
\nI counted about two times where a woman with a violin would approach me, glare sternly in my direction, and play a(n admittedly rather nice) solo before storming off. Afterwords, I would be accosted by a series of (admittedly rather convincing) actors playing the role of\u2026 I don't know, ghosts of Christmas? All \"please don't turn off my heat\" this and \"give me two more weeks\" that, some naked attempt to tug at heartstrings. If I wanted to feel bad about dead poor people, I'd have seen the all-revenant showing of Rent across the street.
\nFood was alright I guess.
\n~Yoshida Shoko
\n\nRestaurant Response: We seem to be experiencing unexpected difficulties. Thank you for your patience.
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\nBusiness is booming and, you know, I wanted to treat myself to a treat. I thought \"Hey, why not check out that new place\", because, you know, I like checking out the new places, and I'm pretty sure I'll die if I gotta eat any more Chinese food.
\nBad idea!
\nTo call this place a shithole would be an insult to every roach-infested shithole in this fuckin' city. The roaches down at the 1.618 Bistro, they don't play the violin as they crawl the fuckin' walls. They're not covered in human blood and they don't beg me not to evict 'em. I don't have to see my fuckin' servers chasin' 'em with a fuckin' broom, Ion H. Christ.
\nOne star. Helen post review
\n~ M\u00e1rkkos Cohen
\n\nRestaurant Response: We're sorry you feel that way. Please be patient.
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\nWas anyone going to tell me the property was infested by an utter deluge of ghosts, or was I just supposed to experience that for myself?
\n~ Phy Rithipol
\n\nRestaurant Response: Please do not slander our establishment. [wait for Stone to find a legal loophole out of a \"ghost\" accusation then wait for him to draft a response]
\n\nRestaurant Response: Our account was hacked. The intern responsible has been fired.
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\nGreat, cool, close my reservation because of \"ongoing ghost problem\". It's not like I booked it three weeks in advance or anything!
\nFucking SJW cucks, too busy coddling a buncha millennial crybabies who can't stand a little ectoplasm. Olive Garden would never do this to me.
\n~ UraniumEmpire
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\nHoly Heck! You've just found yourself your very own Mrs. Gentrification by Gamers Against Weed! Learn your history, cause it's doomed to repeat! Who is Dr. Wondertainment?
\nFind them all and become Mr. Gamer!
\n01. Mr. Literal Serial Killer
\n02. Mr. Normie
\n03. Mr. Bernie Sanders
\n04. Mr. Get Anything For Free In Any Shop
\n20. Mr. Sex Number
\n21. Mr. Heavenly Virtues
\n22. Mr. Deadly Sins
\n23. Mr. Original Character
\n24. Mr. D.A.R.E.
\n25. Mrs. Gentrification \u2714
\n26. Ms. Mad About Video Games
\n27. Mr. Meme
\n28. Mr. Ominous (discontinued)
\n29. Mr. Destiny
\n30. Mr. Monty Python And The Holy Grail
\n31. Ms. Zapatista
\n32. Mr. Hax
\n33. Mr. Just Has The Tattoo
\n34. Mr. Top Text and Mr. Bottom Text
\n35. Mr. Finale
\n~ Luna Zapata
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Ambrose of Capitol Hill
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DC Restaurant Week 2035
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Welcome Friends, Old and New! Enjoy our specially-priced Prix Fixe tasting menu, and discover the wonders of Ambrose Capitol Hill: the Jewel of the Ambrose Family of Restaurants.
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\u2605\u2605\u2605 Amuse-Bouche \u2605\u2605\u2605
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Our Signature Amuse-Bush \u2014 Hand-crafted by our p\u00e2tissier, who deftly blends fresh 'white bread' dough with a micro-green pesto, formed into the shape of Former President George W. Bush. Don't be too hasty to indulge: allow your amuse-ghoul to first delight you with the sights and sounds of spot-on re-enactments of some of our former President's most entertaining faux pas.
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\u2605\u2605\u2605 First Course \u2605\u2605\u2605
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Mambo Wings \u2014 It wouldn't be a trip to DC without having wings done in our local favorite Mambo sauce. Sink your teeth into free-range chicken, fried and rolled in our deliciously sweet and spicy sauce, but only after they pair off and perform a dazzling Mambo on your plate! With live music provided by your own carrot and celery bandstand, and served with house-made Bleu cheese dressing.
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\u2605\u2605\u2605 Main Course, choose one \u2605\u2605\u2605
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Debate of the Clones \u2014 Cast your vote! You choose between our two daily rotating selections of house-cloned meats, sliced and cooked to order. Ask your server for recommendations, or visit our carving station, where you can watch as your selection is hand-carved from your preferred clone. The winning clone is served again tomorrow. Voted \"Must-Have Dish\" three years running in Subwashingtonian Magazine!
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Chicken and Waffles \u2014 Our take on a classic comfort food. Enjoy fresh-made waffles, smothered in real Maple syrup, along with fried dove or hawk. Your fowl may change, to hawk or dove, even mid-bite, according to the capricious whims of a force not even Chez himself understands.
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Half-Smoke \u2014 Our housemade pork-and-beef sausage, smoked to perfection, and served on split bun with onions and brown chili sauce.
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\u2605\u2605\u2605 Dessert \u2605\u2605\u2605
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Our Famous Chocolate City Cake \u2014 Baked daily, with ingredients that mirror our great city's makeup. We opened with a 70% cacao slice of chocolate decadence; our current recipe is a complex delight of chocolate and vanilla layers, separated with a chipotle creme icing and topped with a soy-cinnamon glaze.
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\u2605\u2605\u2605 Exclusive Restaurant Week Cocktails \u2605\u2605\u2605
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The DMV \u2014 Named both for our favorite Metropolitan area, and our least-favorite metropolitan agency. Club soda, simple syrup, lemon and lime accompany our house-made sloe gin. How 'sloe', you ask? We partnered with the chef de tempora at our sister restaurant in London to age this gin liquor for over 200 years!
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Eleanor Holmes Norton Antivirus \u2014 Named for our first elected Representative, this is our take on DC's Official Cocktail, the rickey. Bourbon, lime juice, and club soda, with just a dash of 15-year barrel-aged flu vaccine.
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Mayor for Life \u2014 Using a proprietary method, we infuse triple-distilled vodka with pure crack cocaine, add a splash of tonic and fresh lime. Because of our secret method, the cocaine will disappear from most patrons' bloodstreams within two hours. Ask your server for details.
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yowl.slp
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Reviews Hosted by Oneiroi
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BloodRedLinetoGlenmont
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\nWent with some friends for my first visit to this fabled spot. Was impressed. Service was impeccable, and the decor is wonderfully classy oak and brass as far as the mind's eye can see.\n
My favorite dish had to be their cloned meat. I couldn't decide between the Former Senator John Thune, or the Former Vice President Spiro Agnew, but my server recommended the Spiro, and I couldn't have been more pleased. Done to a perfect medium-rare, it nearly melted in my mouth. Will definitely be going back again!
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PrinceOfPoopville
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\nBlech. Yet another out-of-district chain pretending to be \"local.\" All the usual tripe, filled with political references with only cursory nods to the -actual- residents of DC. You know, us.\n
Go back to Three Portlands, or whatever hellhole you crawled out of. Your food is pretentious, your servers are snooty, and your decor is tres tacky.
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And next time, think about maybe comping the check when you have a VERY IMPORTANT BLOGGER in your restaurant! Show some respect for local media!
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BrightestImmortalThing
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\nFANTASTIC!!!\n
Rented out the backroom for my birthday bash, and was blown away! The staff seemed to anticipate my every need, and the drinks were to die for. I swear the Norton cocktail cured my friend's cold.
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As a special treat, I was allowed to pick one of their famous clone meats for the night! I chose former Tulsa Councilperson Adrianna Morrow. What a treat! When I arrived, I was taken by the charming manager, Jamal, to their carving station, where I got the first slice of Morrow. Not only that, but since I was the first served, Morrow was still conscious and aware enough for me to tell her what I *really* thought about the city's 2033 Waterworks Privatization Act. I thought for sure I'd only get to say a few words, but Jamal let me read her the whole damn riot act, even as they began to carve my my order of breastmeat. I know she was just a clone, but boy, did it feel good to tell her off. I swear I could still hear her sobbing during our dessert course, which made everything taste just that much better.
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Thank you, Ambrose's, for making this my best birthday EVER.
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SuspiciousPenguin20910
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\nService was fine, and drinks were quick and a good size for the price.\n
My only complaint, after metroing all the way from Silver Spring, was that my half-smoke was\u2026 normal? Like, there were dancing chicken wings, and food that changed mid-bite, and whatever, but my half-smoke was just, like, a sausage.
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I asked my server about it, like, you know, maybe it would cause me to hallucinate later, or age backwards or something, but all he said was \"you don't fuck with a half-smoke.\" Lame.
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Still, three stars, because it was really good.
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Ambrose Esterberg
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About the Event
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For as long as the city has existed, the Esterbergian elite had the unfortunate displeasure of dining with the poor, down in the dirt of the Living District. This of course was not by design, but rather due to the fact of the everchanging sociopolitical state and the power structures of the city. It never allowed Ambrose Restaurants to truly branch out into where the elites truly banquet. That being, of course, within the clean heights of the Ruling District. That, however, will soon be merely a thought of the past, never to be a reality again.
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To commemorate the one-hundredth anniversary of the Great Factory Purge and the damnation of the more feral part of the Fae species \u2014 the disgusting poor the richer and Mab disposed of during said attack so many years ago \u2014 to hell itself Ambrose Restaurants has the great pleasure to announce the opening of a whole new locale, located entirely within the elite streets of the Ruling District. Ambrose Esterberg will open soon in the clean, rich halls of Esterberg so that all remaining Fae can banquet like they deserve \u2014 without the awful plebs.
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In collaboration with Marshall, Carter & Darke, the newest establishment will open with the wonders of a whole new, special all-night dinner event, designed for the Fae elites of the city to remember their civilization like it was millennia ago. Filled with Fae cuisine meals, art, and a reading of a select few most beautiful pieces of the Fae literature \u2014 both prose and poetry \u2014 the night will undoubtedly be not be forgotten for a long, long time.
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March 23rd, 2011
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Rise
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1. Four-leafed Ros\u00f3\u0142 \u2014 The traditional flavors of Poland's exemplary soup, spiced up with four-leafed horseradish fresh from the ruins of Mab's very own gardens established shortly after the race's emergence from the forests. Equating to a deep and truly pleasurable taste, it's a fantastic dish to begin the night with.
\n2. The Night's Goulash \u2014 Experience the sharp and salty flavors of the mass genocides of Children of the Night that followed the gaining of consciousness by the Fae, orchestrated by the disgusting animal versions of them in order to take control as the dominant species. Served with sensational rye bread and topped with a parsley decoration.
\n3. The Stew of One Thousand Skies \u2014 A combination of the contrasting soft meat of the animals and hard vegetables of the old days, brought to today's age through rapid re-animation. Served with a sweet sugar star taken directly from the glistering skies the Fae looked at when their buildings didn't yet reach them.
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Apex
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1. Draconic Steak \u00e0 la beatitudinem \u2014 Nothing better to heat up the party after the melancholic memories of the beginnings than fresh spicy draconian meat, served with couple swirls of the contrast of the sweet pure happiness. Similar in feel to the feeling of establishing a sociopolitical structure that's beneficial to your friends after taking over the world together with the people you'll soon exploit.
\n2. Tastes of Beauty \u2014 Breast of Desert Phoenix \u2014 a race bioengineered by the Inventor so many years ago with the only mission to clean the planet of the feral Fae kind by its higher brothers after they developed well enough in their clean palaces to know of such magic. Painted with a mixture of candied apple and pear glaze, bringing the fiery texture of meat and the calming stream of glaze to a dish of many tastes.
\n3. The Queen's Gift \u2014 To experience the empire is to experience its habits, too \u2014 and there's no better way to do that than with the feeling of pureness and calmness as felt during its power height this unique mix of ancient flora offers. Server with mayonnaise and sharp bread crisped topping.
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Fall
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1. Reliving \u2014 Even if \"those who don't know history are condemned to repeat it\" is the main motto of the event, \"Reliving\" is the true highlight of the show. A cherry-filled pure white chocolate cake, decorated with strawberry-chiseled scenes taken directly from the history of the Fae. Beginnings in the forests, through world domination, to the inevitable fall of the lower race to the distant lands and the dissolving of empire during the First Diaspora. It is truly a sight to behold, making the mistakes that lead to its fall remembered.
\n2. The Blood Fountain \u2014 Blood was the only thing those said to be below the high Fae knew their entire lives, especially during the falling of the kingdom, and now, you can know that too. The deep tastes of a dark chocolate fondant contrasted with the even sweeter arctic vanilla mousse on the inside, the dish truly shows the horrors of the rules trying to find victims for their own destructive lifestyle.
\n3. Dungeons' Ices \u2014 If you want to know how the mostly innocent prisoners of the falling empire felt like in their cells located miles below the ground, then there's no better way to do so than this sharp and mind-freezing ice cream mix. Garnished with bitter liquid chips taken directly from the horn of a unicorn.
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Retaking
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1. Cannibalistic Bloody Mary \u2014 There's no better way to start a good drinking session than with a drink that reacts to your conversations! Cold vodka, sentient (and overly critical!) tomato juice, and a small droplet of Fae blood to reminisce the cannibalistic practices of the hungry aristocrats when there was no power left to exploit. A truly hot and deep-tasting wonderful mix that will leave you wanting more.
\n2. Mab's Best \u2014 A glass of sensical Port, poured from barrels taken directly from the now-ruined basements of Queen Mab's millennia-old palace. As powerful and sharp in taste as the feelings of disgust known on a daily basis to so many Fae elites, it is truly an experience.
\n3. Forest's Kiss \u2014 A revitalizing, non-alcoholic mix of the sweetest fruits of the old forests which retook the previously untouchable clean palaces. Perfect for those that wish to re-gain their senses after a night full of sensations.
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Fine Attractions
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1. Poetry Appreciation \u2014 To ease the minds of guests who fully participated in prior meals and listened to stories behind them, this attraction will come in handy \u2014 a selection of the most beautiful pieces of Fae literature from the old days, describing the greatness and invulnerability of the empire at its highest points.
\n2. Magical Concert \u2014 If the previous attraction didn't ease the racing minds of the guests, the second one definitely will. There is nothing quite as beautiful as the sounds of the strings of golden harps taken from Mab's palaces, beautified by the usage of calming and dumbing down rituals.
\n3. Remembrance Gallery \u2014 To finish the evening in style, all guests will be able to visit a gallery filled with found artworks of the old empire, protected and cleaned for viewing ease. On the way to the exit, all guests will be able to make themselves remembered too, by leaving their names in the guest book.
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Tickets: 1500 PLN
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Critique Lodge
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Esterberg, Cz\u0119stochowa, Poland
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A Large-feathered Fellow
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I don't understand where I am. Please, if this is reaching anyone, please help me. I do not understand. Last thing I remember was the Gallery, and when I woke up I was among these trees. Jesus Christ, anyone, please.
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Restaurant Response: Don't worry \u2014 it definitely won't be reaching anyone, ever \u2014 similarly to how our \"lower\" children and families never reached the surface again after years in your prisons. Have fun in our hell you could have prevented when you let us attack the devil's Factory alone, you sick aristocratic fucks :)
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Member of the Forgotten
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You fucking animals. How dare you raise your hand on your masters and gods! You will regret this, you fucking disgusting pieces of shit. Just wait until the rest knows about this. You will think the fate of the Night's Children was a good one when we get out, you atrocious pleb!
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Restaurant Response: We wouldn't worry about getting out \u2014 you won't. Have fun staying among everyone you ever wronged, forever, until the last light goes dim. Hope you enjoy being the \"animals\" this time! ^^
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A Child of the Ever-changing Woods
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Please, there's no food here. It tried to eat me today, just\u2026 please, help me! I will do anything, please; I'm sure once the Queen returns, she will remember who helped her loyal subjects. I'm afraid it will come again soon, I'm, begging you. I won't have the strength to fight back again. Please, I'll do anything, there's no ti
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Restaurant Response: After all these years of feasting, food really shouldn't be an issue for you, you fat piece of shit. We, however, might finally eat something that's more than the scraps of what your pigs ate in the clean palaces above our caves. And it looks like we are going to have a feast indeed! A truly unique texture. It really does taste excellently tart.
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Ambrose Restaurants
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This is a ridiculous farce. Ambrose Restaurants have never nor will ever attempt to create an establishment within the Ruling District due to the everchanging political space within the area. This is a mockery of the company's good name and practices and will not be tolerated. Prepare to see our lawyers soon.
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Restaurant Response: Just be glad your people were never a part of the list. Enjoy that comfort, because it might not last as long as you think. The Inventor sends her regards.
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Every Ambrose restaurant has a gimmick. This is a long held adage in the food critic world, passed between reviewers young and old alike. It has become somewhat of a rite of passage, an in-joke, a hallmark of more refined palates and those who have been around long enough to fully grasp the meaning of the phrase. One can always tell when it is faked - it is too earnest, eager, belying the truth of the fresh face behind the words.
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Of course, very few critics have had the opportunity to review an Ambrose restaurant. Part of the gimmick, it should be said, is a noted distaste for critics such as myself. Small venues, inconsistent hours, pop-up locations - all done with a certain verve by Ambrose in a way that seems designed to stymie and frustrate critics. In all my years, I have only heard of one example where a critic was invited to an Ambrose establishment.
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You may imagine my surprise, then, when I received a letter in the post informing me that I had been invited to the grand opening of Ambrose Gloucester. The specifics had been worked out with my editor at Waldon Studio, and it was agreed that I would be going in blind, as it were. I received the original latter from Ambrose for reference. It was a small and simple affair, with only the name - \"Ambrose Gloucester\" - an address, and a date.
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I admit, my interest was piqued. I had not heard of any plans to open a location in Gloucester. It was an odd choice for a location, but not terribly far. Still, fortune favours the bold, and I was terribly curious.
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More Road to Ride
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I am detailing my process here because it is with this mindset that I approach my reviews. Most people, when imaging a food critic, picture an ego driven snob obsessed with French cuisine and eschewing anything priced less than a small fortune. I cannot even say that we do not deserve it!
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But I think that such a laser focus on foods largely inaccessible to the public does a disservice to good food everywhere. There is, for instance, a small shop near my local train station that sells a sausage roll for fifty pence. It is greasy, cheesy, warm, and undeniably cheap. It is also one of the best things that I have ever eaten. The only real criteria for food is whether or not one enjoys it. Everything else is table dressing.
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The morning of my visit was much like any other. I woke up at 6 AM sharp, and began to prepare my morning latte. I have always found the process of preparing a latte to be the perfect synecdoche for cooking. The quality of the ingredients is important, of course. But it is nothing compared to the care, the love with which the meal is created. I do not profess to have any deluxe equipment, indeed, my set up is quite modest. A simple hand grinder and lever machine. It is the handiwork and passion that make food worth eating.
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I am reminded of this as I take each step in the delicate dance of cooking. Firstly, grinding the coffee to the perfect consistency. Not too fine, or the brew is bitter. Not so coarse that the water cannot fully absorb the complex flavours. I pack the puck, and listen as the heat and pressure build within the brewing masthead as the water floods in and begins to intermingle with the rich and earthy history of the grounds. It is a wonderful crescendo of music and flavours, and at last I pull the lever, releasing the espresso into my cup.
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It is a bit bitter - I let it get to slightly too high a pressure.
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But that is ok. It is wonderful all the same.
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I watch the sun rise with my coffee, a quiet moment of serenity before I head out the door.
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My trip to Ambrose Gloucester is uneventful. I take the train, listening to the quiet concert of people going about their every day lives. Some children are valiantly attempting to finish their homework, scrabbling for answers to simple arithmetic questions. A young man tries not to fall asleep.
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I step off the train and into Gloucester station. It is a warm day, one of the first of the season, and a gentle breeze pushes through the open space. There are a few people scattered about, but I have slightly beaten rush hour. I head north.
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On my way I contemplate what I know about Ambrose. I have mostly heard of their US locations. Some unfortunate incidents in California, but largely good things of their Portland location. Recently they have trended away from more traditional restaraunteuring. I recall the food hall in Los Angeles, and hearing rumours of a more personal affair in Vienna. I wonder what I shall be faced with. For some reason, I expect something large.
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It is a 30 minute walk from the train station to Ambrose Gloucester. I pass into Severn Bridge, away from the sounds of motorcars and traffic. It is a quiet borough, crossed with small streets and the occasional park.
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Ambrose Gloucester is situated in a small and nondescript building across from a Wetherspoons. I cannot tell if this is a fortunate coincidence or a deliberate decision. Nothing encourages one to try new things quite like a Wetherspoons.
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The door is tinted glass with simple lettering. It is quite difficult to see through, and squeaks slightly as I push. Other than this slight protestation, it does not budge. I step back, looking around the empty street. Am I early? I look back to the door, inspecting it a little closer this time.
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Sheepishly, I pull it open and step inside.
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The first thing that strikes me is the noise. There's a constant dull hum that permeates the room. It is not so loud as to be distracting, but insistent and strident in its business. The second is the smell. It smells ever so slightly of chlorine, a distressing and decidedly unwelcome scent for a restaurant.
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The foyer is small but brightly lit, a white tiled affair illuminated with fluorescent lights. There is a small wooden end table in the corner, atop sits a single yellow flower in a glass vase and a conspicuous letter. The end table and flower suggest an unearned sense of coziness and optimism, which clashes with the rest of the decor.
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I spend some time waiting, shifting my weight awkwardly from foot to foot. I am certain that someone will come to greet me, but I am met only with the empty room and a waiting letter. My curiosity gets the better of me.
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The letter simply read:
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The door on the left.
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Indeed, there was one other doorframe, quite conspicuously lacking a door. I pocketed the letter, now quite nervous but a little bit excited. It is not often the life of a food critic is filled with this much mystery. Relishing my new role as an amateur detective, I stepped through the empty threshold and into a black tiled hall. Within, two doorways; one to the left, and one to the right. I am slightly taken aback, before realising that this leftward door was the one that was promised. The acrid smell of chlorine was mostly abated in the hallway, which curiously was unlit, light only coming through the empty threshold of the previous room. The humming was louder, more assertive.
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Out of curiosity, I tried the door on the right, this time taking care to push and pull on the cool metal handle. It did not budge. So much for trying to game the system. To the left, the door was slightly ajar, and an inviting smell wafted from it. My senses not quite recovered from the chlorine, I could not place it.
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I entered the leftward room - both the smell of chlorine and the humming noise had abated entirely. The decor of the room was a curious combination; deep and rich wooden floors matched with dark forest green walls, this time illuminated by several flickering sconces. There was a table and a single chair, both quite elegantly crafted and sturdy, but the centerpiece was the conveyor belt. I found the room to be both pleasantly agreeable and somewhat offputting.
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It reminded me of the cheap conveyor sushi restaurants, if one could call them such, that crazed the nation a decade back. The delicate and complicated flavours of sushi with the speed and convenience of fast food.
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The conveyor belt stretched lengthwise across the table and looked to be within easy reach of an occupant of the chair. It was unremarkable aside from its presence in the room, defiantly clashing with the rest of the decor. The entryways for the conveyor belt were large - approximately a meter high, and half as wide. It was quite curious, and its intentions and purpose were unknown. Nonetheless, my interest was again piqued. What might they be serving that requires such an unconventional means of conveyance? I tried to look through the dark portals, but the conveyor belt turned a corner shortly inside, and my vision of what mysteries lay beyond, obscured.
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Having quickly run out of things to investigate in the room, and not knowing what else to do, I sat down.
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The conveyor belt silently spun into motion, well oiled treads thrumming imperceptibly.
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It appeared that whatever I was here for had begun.
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In the Wind I Crunch, I Want
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A single glass of water was carried to me on the conveyor. I picked it up. Perfectly room temperature, but not unpleasant. Some time passed, and I was starting to wonder if that was the sum of my Ambrose experience, before the conveyor sprung to action again. This time, a small metal placard:
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I pick it up, examine it. It is impeccably machined, cool and weighty to the touch. I place it down and watch the conveyor deliver upon the promise of the placard.
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Amuse bouche. Three, to be precise. The first looked to be a careful arrangement of watermelon slices, sprinkled with seasoning and acutely garnished with small slices of leek. The second was a walnut, layered with prosciutto, fig, and gorgonzola cheese. The third amuse bouche was a celery soup, with carrots and jicama.
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It was a curious entry, but a bold one. I had the sense that the chef was playing with me - a disparate but intriguing collection of appetisers, all delivered in a wholly unique way.
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Was this the gimmick? If so, it was a low-key one.
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I decided to start with the walnut. My palate was clean, and I had always had a soft spot for a nice gorgonzola.
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I bit in, expecting the richness of the prosciutto to be complimented by the creaminess of the gorgonzola, the soft textures tempered by the crisp of the walnut. I found this, but what I did not expect was the subtlety of what I can only describe as tasting Shostakovich's Festive Overture. The warmth of the violins, proudly crescendoing into the triumphant fanfare of the brass section before the playful back-and-forth solo between the first chair flautist and clarinetist. I tasted all these things and more, with a depth and texture that I had never experienced before. I sat back, quite certain that someone was playing music in time to my meal. But there were no speakers, no way that what I was hearing could be mimicked by something so rough as speakers. I finished the first amuse bouche, plunging back into the works of Shostakovich.
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\nI had found the gimmick of Ambrose Gloucester.
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I eye my celery soup, reminding myself to go slowly, to taste and savour the experience, before diving in to Saint-Sa\u00ebns' The Carnival of the Animals - VII. Aquarium and the first time I saw the moors.
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Slate grey clouds swim slowly, imperceptibly overhead. Where their migration takes them is no doubt some purpose beyond my young understanding. I stand in the pallid light, boots squelching slowly into the bog below me, watching the cloudwaves of piano notes gently plink, shifting with comforting assurance. The moors stretch further beyond the horizon, threatening to overtake me with their endless patience. Its purpose was set in motion long before, and I am small and alone beside it. It is the first time I realise how much there is to the world that is outside my understanding. My parents bid me forward, coaxing me with soft platitudes - there lies nothing underneath the peat.
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But I do not act on this. I am afraid.
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It takes me a moment to remember that I am sitting alone in a room in Severn Bridge. I try to sink back into the memory, but it is fuzzy and vague. I surmise that the vividness of whatever wonder the chef has crafted makes my own recollections paltry and distant in comparison. Remembering my role, I pull out my phone to take some pictures; but as suspected, the low lighting precludes photography that Waldon Studio would be proud to show. A travesty, but my work is not yet done.
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Curious, I went for the watermelon next. Only one of the pieces was a perfect cube - the rest were various polyhedra. The chef was trying to tell me something, and it was my job as the critic to piece together this mystery. The first bite was crisp, well structured and light mouthfeel. The seasoning was a combination of salt and szechuan pepper, lightly numbing the tongue. It would be quite refreshing on a hot summer's day. But it was Vivaldi's Le quattro stagioni, Concerto 1 - Spring - that enraptured me.
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Savouring every moment, I closed my eyes, and found my mind wandering back to the spring of my 12th year. It had been an especially cold and long winter, and I had not seen the sun for some time. We had been turned out onto the field behind the schoolyard, which was a verdant green and blooming with dandelions and daisies. Taylor and I were separated from our peers, having walked and gotten lost in conversation even at our young age.
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I was nervous. At that tender age, I had begun to think about Taylor frequently, confusing thoughts and emotions that I did not yet understand. I recall the distinct feeling of wanting to punch them, but also wanting to make sure no harm would ever come to them. With every peal of laughter my face would blush crimson, and I would try to distract myself from my thoughts.
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Struck by the urge to reach out and hold their hand. I resist, mired in what must have seemed at the time a complex tangle of desires and anxieties.
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But I do not act on this.
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A soft touch breaks my reverie - our hands, not of my accord, now intertwined.
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I look up and met Taylor\u2019s eyes. We smile.
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At the conclusion of the appetiser, I knew two things for certain. That I had never before seen such passion in cooking, and that I was palpably excited to know what else was waiting for me.
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Almost as if the chef could read my mind, the empty plates were whisked away by the conveyor.
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In its place came another placard.
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This time, the conveyor does not stop, carrying the placard away and delivering in its place the steak au poivre. It is topped with a cream pan-sauce that smelled of shallots, rosemary, and whiskey. The steak itself was marbled and the pan-sauce sept through the cracks of the perfectly caramelised exterior. My knife moves through it like butter; I take a bite.
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It is a hot and sticky summer day. I am seated uncomfortably at a concrete bench, fruitlessly trying to coax the dead air into a breeze. I try to distract myself, looking at the passersby - but each is a suspect, laughing at me under their breath.
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I see Alex, as arresting as the day we met. The lovers motif cuts through the brass and stagnant air, mocking and cruel. I know why we are meeting.
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How long have I known? Since I asked Alex when they were last happy.
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I already know what Alex will say. I have heard it repeated in every silent morning, its absence in every goodbye. I know it in every unsaid thing.
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Small talk. Each word is a stabbing violin, an unbearable, simmering heat that builds without resolution or relief. The steak is tender and juicy. The pan-sauce is without compare.
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I do not love you anymore. The words land flat on my ears, and for a moment it is quiet, the heat forgotten. The rosemary complements the shallots quite nicely.
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A bell tolls somewhere. The Dies Irae begins. The sadness has long burnt out. Insistently, angrily, the trumpets answer the tubas. Explications of how I had fought, how I had toiled - the orchestra builds in a righteous anger and justified fury. The words build in my head, a perfect cosmology of our failure. An original sin, at their feet.
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I meet Alex\u2019s eyes. The violins fall gently, like a leaf on the wind.
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I could fight for us. The impulse to preserve what we have, to pay off sunken costs, spins in my mind.
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But I do not act on this.
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The trumpets lash out in anger, but it is not enough. The brass demurs, fading in resignation as the memories of what I had done creep back in.
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I could have reached out before this. I could have told Alex how I feel, tell them that I forgive them and that it was my fault, too. I could have fought for us.
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But I do not act on this.
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I am back in the depths, where I belong. I sigh and swallow the last of the steak au poivre. The moment is lost. My own private Symphony Fantastique, concluded.
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I sat for quite some time in the room, contemplating what I had experienced. I had rediscovered my passion for food after that breakup. Despite the turmoil and the circumstances, it had been a breath of fresh air, an opportunity to re-evaluate and rediscover my passion for life itself. In every tragedy, an opportunity to improve, a path to happiness.
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This is what I told myself, at least.
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I found the silence comforting. I did not know what game the chef was playing, why they had chosen this song and awoken this memory in me. My image of a playful trickster was upended. Now, a Machiavellian puppeteer, flexing their knowledge and prowess. I did not know what next to expect.
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No Place to Hide
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The final course provided some insight into the construction of the room. The choice of such a large entry window for the conveyance of food had been puzzling, but the arrival of what would be the final placard was silent answer to my unaired question.
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The large conic section of profiteroles glided in shortly after.
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But with the croquembouche came more questions. Was this room constructed with the profiteroles in mind? What game was being played? Who was behind all of this?
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Nonetheless, duty came first. The assembly was impeccable, the tower delicately draped with gossamer thin gold wire. The wiring was not a touch I had seen before, but its inclusion afforded the tower a certain weight, a gravitas. Each individual profiterole shone in the flickering light with their own crispy, glazed exterior, lightly dusted in caster sugar.
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But the art of the croquembouche is as much the stability as it is the presentation. I plucked a profiterole from the center, waiting and, I must admit, slightly hoping that the entire assemblage would collapse, and with it, any further obligations.
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It did not.
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The glaze stuck slightly to my fingers. A thicker sort than expected, but a clever method to ensure the structural integrity of the croquembouche. My profiterole was coated with glaze, a sign that the chef had individually rolled each individual piece before assembling. Great care was taken here, as had been the case for every dish so far.
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At ends, I bit in. The crispy shell, fluffy and cakelike in the interior, gave way to rich and luscious cream, dappled with hints of maple and strawberry notes. A gentle breeze of soft, deliberate guitar washes across me.
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This memory was not mine. I felt a voyeur, an intruder into someone else's innermost thoughts and desires. But I was also excited, titillated at what I might find there.
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Few images came to me. Emotions and ideas began to trickle in at first, gradually building in intensity. Hope, the rolls and crashes of cymbal thunder far above the deep highland tracts. High-hat stars pierce the bass fabric of clouds, shining cold and clear.
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I do not know how long I walk, how much I consume before I notice any change. The wind has picked up, the thunder more insolent in its cries. The bass becomes more layered, murky sevenths and half resolved chords blending back and forth. I wonder what happens to the clouds when they are gone.
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They are trying to tell me something. I do not realise this till later. I do not notice this, nor that the clouds slowly occlude the starlight. A few drops of water splay across my face.
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In time, it is raining. The wind has picked up greatly now, shrill violins screaming past me. I pick up my speed, unable to shake the feeling that something has gone wrong.
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A shout cuts through the violins and wind. I feel the ground beneath me, solid and firm in the heather moorlands. I break into a run, stumbling, feeling my feet crash into the ground in tilted staccato rhythm. The shout again crests the storm, and I see the source in the dim twilight - a figure, half visible and mired deep in the peat. It cries for help.
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The wind batters me. Thunder rumbles, close by and with unfathomable rage. The music built, swelling in anger and passion and sadness, battering me in a great and terrible storm.
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Across the bog, the figure pleads. It screams, sinking further into the quagmire, begging to be rescued, but its words are ripped from its throat and lost in the maelstrom surrounding us.
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A choice. It is not far. A mere 100 meters, an impassable expanse that stretches beyond my comprehension. I only need to take the first step, to lose myself in the moment and for once take action without consideration.
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I look at the figure, and I ran. I did not know where I was or what would come of it, only that I had witnessed something horrible.
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The bottom half of the croquembouche was salty and wet. I do not know why.
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As I choked the final profiterole down, the storm faded and the final chord resolved. There was no great revelation. The room had not changed.
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I was alone, as I always had been. I wiped the tears from my cheeks, newly conscious of how much my body had been fighting me. I felt bloated, incapable of movement, but I knew that I had to leave that room. It was silent, unchanged yet unrecognisable.
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Outside, the rightward door loomed. I knew that it was unlocked, and that behind it lay answer to my questions. I listened to what I hoped was some refridgerant unit hum.
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We have so few opportunities to exercise our free will. Humans are so embroiled in a miasma of implications, consequences, opinions that no decision we make is ever truly free. We try to effect change, but we are tossed and shaken in a hurricane of noise that drowns out any meaningful improvement. Our reverberations do not go far. It is a pig-circus, planned and ordained well before we are even conscious of the the decision that we made. But in the small hallway, alone in Ambrose Gloucester, I had the singularly meaningful opportunity to do something. To drag myself out of the quagmire of indecision. To make a decision that was mine and mine alone, that would change me forever.
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I could have opened that door and found every answer.
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But I do not act on this.
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I suspect whoever, or whatever, was on the other side of the door belt knew what my decision would be. I wondered how it knew. I did not want to ask.
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I left Ambrose Gloucester, but did not take my eyes off the door.
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My trip from Ambrose Gloucester is uneventful. A weak sun provides little warmth outside. I look around and take stock of my surroundings. Severn Bridge is a rote little hamlet, forgettable and bland. It is not even interesting enough to be distasteful.
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I walk back to the train station, the incessant sounds of motorcars giving way to the dull roar of crowds. The soaring heights of Gloucester station are cluttered with people. They say nothing meaningful.
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When I enter my apartment, I am accosted by the smell of stale coffee that has permeated the roots of my living room rug. I sit and wait for the day to end.
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I Wish I Could Tell You a Lie
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I could not say what was taken from me in that small room. I have written and rewritten this review several times, trying to find the right words to express how, exactly, I changed. It is becoming clear to me that I may never be able to fully express what happened. Only that it is gone, and no matter what I do, it is never coming back.
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No part of my life has drastically changed since I visited Ambrose Gloucester. The sunrise looks quite the same, but I cannot quite shake the feeling that the real sun has been secreted away and replaced with a pretender. The birds sound thin and distant. I wonder about the chef. Did they ever have any passion for their work, or are they simply going through the motions and waiting for the day to end? Perhaps one day I will be able to put to words this feeling.
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Perhaps one day I will learn why this was done to me.
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I expect this will be my last food review. The passion I felt for food, the delight for tasting the symphony of flavours and smells has faded. I simply do not have the appetite for it anymore. In the past week I have eaten one meal - douhuafan, an old favourite of mine. It was quite bland.
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Overall: A life changing experience that I would not wish upon anyone. Four stars.
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\n\n| Ambrose: Earthen Foods for the Keplerian Palate | \n
\n\nBy\u3164 ![\"Alzin](\"https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=8118698&size=small&timestamp=1791437658\") Alzin Cdag | \n
\n\n| Published on 22 Mar 2023 06:54 | \n
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The St. 2b21 Times
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\"Chercher une rancune comme midi \u00e0 quatorze heures\"
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Primidi, Vent\u00f4se 1, Early Edition | 2.00\u00a0K (Cheap!)
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Society and Gossip - P8
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Restaurant Critique: An Earthen Import Squanders Its Potential
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By 4cc7 \u2b50\u2605\u2605\u2605\u2605
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My loyal readers may express panic and confusion to see my byline in this section. Why, they may ask, am I not covering stories of social relevance, such as the ill-advised romance between the lab experiment the masses call a savior and the unstable alien \"doctor\"?
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Worry not. My career is far from over, and soon I will be back on page one. This sojourn in the restaurant critique section is a mere\u2026 strategic move on the part of the editorial staff. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the vacation more, perhaps, than I should.
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You see, food has always been a secret passion of mine. It's the greatest symbol of the difference between us natural-born Ones and the lab-grown Twos, who get their nutrition from intravenous tubes.
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I was in my kitchen making white cabbage when I got a tip from one of my old informants: a restaurant whose letterwork on the logo was in Earthen script had opened a few blocks away from the intergalactic docks. I gave it the usual payment (a cheat code for Goldeneye 007 on the N64) and immediately gathered my overcoat and my notepad. My stomach rumbled for the white cabbage, but I controlled myself for the moment. If this story were as juicy as it sounded, it would pay for a whole lot more white cabbage when I was through.
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I walked to the low-income end of the city, where the air smells of ozone and smoke from the proximity to the air-and-spaceport, and once every two days the wise and the fortunate will put on their sound-cancelling earmuffs before the rockets launch. There, from which the cream of the arriving human cultural products leave quickly; there where the dregs stay. From one window I heard the telltale sounds of a child playing Atari's E.T.; from another, the Star Wars Holiday Special.
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There I arrived to a shiny, clean storefront amongst the boarded up buildings and detritus of Earth culture decades past, a place whose color palette was all in tasteful shades of blue and grey. The sign above the entrance read, \"Ambrose.\"
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I walked in and was immediately struck by the surprising lack of decor. Earthlings covered all their spaces in such a mess of objects, I would have thought the walls would all be covered in human movie posters and sports jerseys, exotic knicknacks from the faraway planet everywhere you looked. Instead, the place was nigh-empty; very Keplerian in design.
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The walls were all blank, smooth grey slates, and the corners were rounded so that it was hard to tell where one wall ended and another began. The chamber was full of a dim, sourceless light. All the decoration the room had was a podium in the center, at which a bored-looking One was standing. It was clothed in Ambrose restaurant uniform, but clearly negligent of its duties at the moment in favor of a holo-projected game of Snake.
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\"One or Two?\" it said without looking away from the game.
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\"What?\" I asked, taken aback.
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\"You want the menu for the Ones or for the Twos?\" it asked.
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Now I was curious. Twos do not eat. What could possibly be on their menu?
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And frankly, who would even bother making a menu for the Twos even if they could eat? They're synthetic beings, government-made meat robots. It doesn't matter that they stand upright, that they bleed as blue as Ones; they don't have the emotional capacity to appreciate the finer things. Even the most famous of them, their frail lab experiment, did nothing active to gain its status as so-called savior; if the rebel narrative is to be believed, all it did was submit to genetic experimentation by hardworking One doctors.
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But I digress. In the moment, I knew I was no true journalist if I did not get my hands on such a menu.
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\"Twos, please,\" I said.
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\"And how many are in your party?\" it asked.
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\"Just one.\"
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\"Two, party of one. Got it,\" it said.
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It kept one hand on the keyboard and withdrew a menu with the other. \"Attempts to harass other parties will be strictly penalized; we've hired Valravn's finest culinary security for the purpose. There's a booth open for you, third on your left.\"
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And a door opened in the wall behind it.
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I took the menu from its hand and walked through the door, into a similarly-walled hallspace, and walked into the indicated door.
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Immediately after I closed it behind me, I felt something had changed.
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The first thing that registered was the pressure. I still can't describe it fully now, but though I was breathing air, I felt a contact buoyancy and pressure against my skin. It was like being submerged in water, except\u2026 well, it had a different tactile sensation. As I floated there, perfectly weightless, my skin felt like it was rubbing against a warm, fuzzy blanket with a sky-high threadcount. Once the novelty wore off, it was\u2026 quite comforting.
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The second thing I noticed was the total lack of sensory input. I could see the walls, grey and curved as ever, but that was it. The smoke scent from outside was completely gone. And my ears registered nothing but a faint buzzing that I suspected was mild tinnitus.
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As I looked around, I saw a series of switches on the wall which gave me options for musical and olfactory ambience. I settled on the scent of peach blossoms and Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, and that calmed me a bit.
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I spent a long moment floating there, my eyes closed, luxuriating in the ambience. This wasn't so bad.
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But I had a job to do, and it outweighed my personal comfort for the moment. So I opened the menu.
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And I found a surprising variety of flora and fauna options, prepared a multitude of ways. There were Kepler mainstays like blaster-cooked autru, disu-cursed eggs and roast jungle fruit. Even some of the more difficult and dangerous to prepare options were there, like al\u00e8ne fugu, for which chefs have to be specially certified to properly remove the deadly nitric oxide glands. But Earth foods were represented too: pizza and linguini, escargot, pulled pork, burritos, and rice served in various curries.
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But were they really going to serve this stuff to Twos?
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I pressed the menu buttons to order a nice autru-salad sandwich, a mainstay of my diet when I eat out at these fancy places. I figured it was the best option by which to judge the restaurant.
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The door opened a half-hour later, and a One waiter brought me my tray. It pushed a button on the tray to anchor it into position in mid-air and left. I floated forward to examine my meal.
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The portion size was astounding. The bread alone must have been fourteen centiStru in area, and the layers inside stacked up to a height greater than the width of my hand. It's some Earth custom, I surmise, to give you more food than you could possibly finish. Mayhaps you're supposed to sacrifice the remaining portion to some deity; I made a mental note to research this possibility later.
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But in spite of its preposterous size, it smelled delicious. It had all the right hints of ground babel leaf and finely chopped zarquon nuts, mixed in with the freshest dairy smell in the mayonnaise and the steaming musk of the poultry. My mouth watered, and I wondered, briefly, if Twos had saliva.
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I took my time. I looked at the sandwich from each angle, examining the cabbage leaves and the multigrain bread, taking in the scent, prodding it for the give of the bread and the viscosity of the sauce. A sandwich must be fully devoured by the senses before it is devoured by you.
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And I bit into it, and it was the most delicious autru-salad sandwich I have ever tasted. My taste buds sang like choirs of asu.
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I should note, though: the zarquon nuts were the stalest I have had in some time.
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And so I chewed with my sharp One fangs, felt it pull apart in my mouth in the most satisfying way.
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And at last it came time to swallow.
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And I swallowed.
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And I felt only air go down my throat and enter my stomach.
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I frowned. I had definitely chewed the food. It had been in my mouth. Where had it gone?
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I took another bite. And another. Each felt as solid as the first, and must have tasted as good, but as I desperately swallowed, sometimes without even chewing first, nothing went down my throat.
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I inhaled the sandwich.
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So this, I thought, is how you serve Twos at a restaurant without a digestive system.
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And I began to think: to a certain extent, as long as you have all the right nutrients, your body doesn't care how fancy the preparation of a meal is. At a restaurant, you don't go to get full; you go for the gustatory experience of eating there. And at this restaurant, you can enjoy that without a stomach, esophagus or intestines.
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And I thought: are Ones and Twos really so different after all?
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But I came to see the folly of this. If we start eating with the government meat-robots, what's next? Deep philosophical discussions on the relationship between pronouns and identity with our toasters? Praise be to the government that creates life more perfect than that which naturally occurs, untainted by emotion or by love for white cabbage.
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So I called for the check.
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And as the door opened for the waiter to bring in the check, I caught a glimpse of two familiar forms leaving down the hallway. A tiny, albino Two, and a figure in black robes with a bird mask on its face.
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The lab experiment and the doctor.
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The interview opportunity of a lifetime!
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The lab experiment had already rounded the corner and left back into the atrium, while the Doctor lagged slightly behind, when I bounded past the waiter to shout at them.
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\"Wait! Earthborn, 5a82! Can I have an interview?\" is what I would have shouted, had I been able to speak at that moment. Instead, my tongue and mouth suddenly went dry, and my legs became so weak that I collapsed to the ground.
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As the pair, blissfully unaware of my presence or predicament, left the hallway, I looked up to see an emaciated specter appear in front of me.
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\"You were warned,\" it hissed, \"Not to harass other patrons. We take that kind of thing seriously, no matter who you are.\"
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I began to grow dizzy. Wait, stop! I wanted to say. Don't you know who I am?
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\"You are full now,\" it hissed. \"You will be emptied.\"
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And it reached for my neck, and I blacked out.
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It's been two weeks since I went to Ambrose's. I woke up in a regen tube two days after the experience. The government patrol that found me said I was in a dumpster, unconscious and emaciated, moaning for cabbage.
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Since that day, my hunger is ceaseless. Food evaporates before reaching my stomach in a way that defies all laws of physics. My white cabbage no longer brings me satisfaction. The only way I can stay alive now\u2026
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Oeso, how this pains me even to type\u2026
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Is via Total Parenteral Nutrition.
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I have to eat like a fucking Two now.
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So in conclusion:
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TL/DR:
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Ambrose had delicious food, but it wasn't filling and left me craving more. One star. \u2b50\u2605\u2605\u2605\u2605
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![\"AmbroseTitle.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-lamplight/AmbroseTitle.png\")
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Atop the Great Spiny Mountain, overlooking the glamorous Giotto District, resides the highest altitude public establishment within Lamplight. Our esteemed Ambrose Lamplight rests on the verge of the expanse\u2014 though be assured the safety of our patrons is guaranteed.
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Mahi loam is the most powerful of spices. You see, even though your eyes and ears and mind grow numb, your soul's desperation for sensation increases one's taste by a staggering degree! Ambrose Lamplight presents an unparalleled dining experience to all who pass through its doors. Regardless of who you are or where you come from, we're sure to have something to suit your taste!
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We hope to see you soon!
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![\"AmbroseFoodExamples.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-lamplight/AmbroseFoodExamples.png\"/)
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\nDisclaimer: While we encourage guests to visit our establishment as part of the Lamplight experience, please note Ambrose Restaurants does not provide transportation up or down the Great Spiny Mountain, nor does it take responsibility for any injuries, deaths, or fadings resulting from such travel. Visit at your own discretion.
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Peregrine returned the menu to his coat pocket. Frigid winds slashed his face as he turned, trying to glimpse the glowing Giotto district through the blizzard, but all he could see was snow. He yanked off his glove and stared at his hands. Frostnip was turning his fingertips a greyish-blue. More concerning, however, was the fact his flesh was also becoming translucent.
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The ominous summit he was currently climbing had always lingered on the city's horizon. However, it was only after a recent discovery by the Foundation that the residents realized what the mountains actually were.
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\nExcerpt from \"A Study of the Biological Landmarks of Lamplight: On the Sustainability of Anomalous Biomass within the Expanse,\" Dr. Ivy Little, Foundation Topographer
\n![\"640px-Expl2267_-_Flickr_-_NOAA_Photo_Library.jpg\"](\"https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/aa/Expl2267_-_Flickr_-_NOAA_Photo_Library.jpg/640px-Expl2267_-_Flickr_-_NOAA_Photo_Library.jpg\"/)
\nHigh-altitude photograph of the Great Spiny Mountains.
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\nOne of the most notable topographical features of the Lamplight is the spines of the Harkhretian anglerfish. The mountain-like structure is derived from SCP-5005-1's dorsal fin. Although the summits have been visible from the Giotto district since its founding, no researchers were able to decipher what it was until a discovery by Junior Researcher Sofia Ramirez, who was posthumously awarded a Doctorate in Harkhretian Culture.
\nIt took approximately three decades to augment a stable road from the Giotto district to the mountain's base. This road is normally used by researchers looking to travel in and out of the void, but it also serves as a footpath for residents and visitors. The mountain's summit itself has the unique property of inducing partial permeance in physical matter at higher altitudes. This allows visitors to the summit to experience an \"incomplete fading\" and be restored to their original state at the base.
\nEfforts were made to augment and commercialize the summit. Trips up the mountain were advertised as \"a peek into nonexistence\" for tourists seeking to experience Lamplight's expanse without completely disappearing. These projects were ultimately abandoned due to several grassroots movements from the Nomad and Neoclassical districts dedicated to keeping the Spiny Mountains in their natural state.
\nWhile several base camps and outposts have been established at the bottom of the mountain, few individuals ever visit the top of the summit.
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Why was it, then, that three-quarters way up the mountain, Peregrine could see an oversized, stereotypical-looking bungalow? It seemed showy and overdone from the outside, but he was too cold to care. As tacky as this building looked, he was relieved to arrive somewhere warm and unfaded.
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Peregrine reached out to turn the doorknob, but it didn't open. He yanked again to no avail. Just as he turned to continue his ascent, he heard the door creak open.
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\"Why, hello there! Who might you be?\"
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Peregrine spun back around to see an elderly man bundled in a winter coat standing in the doorway.
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\"Evening,\" replied Peregrine.
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\"Oh? It's evening? Heavens, it's hard to keep track up here, Do you want to come in?\"
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\"Yes please.\"
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Peregrine followed the stranger inside. The man removed his hood, revealing a thinning head of brown hair. Peregrine bundled up his cloak as he passed several rows of tables and booths, holding several candles.
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\"I don't suppose this would be Ambrose Lamplight, would it?\"
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\"Oh, but it is! I feared for a second you were just another wanderer that lost their way off the footpath.\" The man offered his hand. Peregrine awkwardly returned the gesture with his gloved talon, hiding his frostbitten hand behind his back. \"I'm quite thrilled to hear you'll stay!\"
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\"Well, I am a wanderer. But I assure you, I'm not lost.\"
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\"I take it you're from that library. Have you traveled far?\"
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\"I do frequent the Wanderer's Library,\" replied Peregrine. \"And yes, I did have quite the climb.\"
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\"You weren't going to ask me for a free meal, were you?\"
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\"I may wander, but I pay my dues to those who are kind to me.\" He produced the flyer from his pocket and turned it over to reveal the blank menu. \"Though I may ask you for a free story, if you have any to spare.\"
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\"I'll throw in a few stories with your meal, but I'm sure you've heard enough about me already.\"
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\"What was your name, anyway?\"
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The man was silent. He placed his hand on the menu, and tapped the name Ambrose. He gave Peregrine a wink.
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\"I'm sorry?\"
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\"Ambrose, surely you recognize who that name belongs to-\" said the host. Peregrine scratched his head.
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\"I never recall having heard that name before finding this menu.\"
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\"Chaz Ambrose! I'm the most renowned chef in these parts of the universe,\" said the man. \"If you're as well-traveled as you claim, surely you would've heard of my establishments. Ambrose SanFran? Ambrose Esterberg? Ambrose Backdoor Soho?\"
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\"I've been to all those places, but again, your business is foreign to me.\"
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\"Well then,\" said Ambrose with an indignant tone. \"I hope you know how restaurants work.\"
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\"Of course,\" chuckled Peregrine, looking back at his menu. \"I must say, leaving the menu blank is an incredibly bold artistic choice, but not an unwelcome one! I'm curious to see how you handle-\"
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\"What do you mean the menu's blank?\" Ambrose peered over Peregrine's shoulder. \"I'm sorry, you must've received a faulty copy. Here's a new one.\"
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\"This one's blank too.\"
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\"Pardon? That can't be right\u2026\" Peregrine watched as Ambrose flipped through menu after menu. \"No matter! I know my own menu. Let me tell you what we have.\"
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Perigrine leaned in and folded his arms expectantly, but Ambrose was silent.
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\"And what would that be?\"
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\"I can't remember\u2026\"
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Ambrose was silent for another minute.
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\"I'd still like to order that story, I wouldn't mind paying-\" Peregrine offered, seemingly unfazed.
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\"Business has been quiet,\" Ambrose murmured. \"Tell you what. Write me a review, share it with your Wanderer buddies, and we'll call it even.\"
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\"So long as you don't try to sway my judgment.\"
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\"Of course not! I'm a businessman. An honest businessman. I don't beg, I trade.\"
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\"Very well then. Please tell me a story worth my while.\"
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\"I'll throw in a cup of tea. On the house.\"
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\"I'm sorry if it isn't ideal,\" said Ambrose.
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\"No matter, the thought counts. But your story? \"
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\"We were a thriving business once, as you know. Far-reaching, varied, and tasteful- with a branch in every nexus faithful to the local cuisine- more so than native establishments. As time passed, we became even more particular, with a focus on higher-quality ingredients, though not everyone was grateful for such a change.\" Chaz crossed his arms. \"I suppose if everything we offer tastes amazing all the while, then it starts to lose its flavor. And gradually, folks lost interest.\"
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\"Are you saying that's why haven't I heard of you before?\"
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\"Unsure, but it's your loss regardless.\"
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Peregrine raised an eyebrow.
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\"So, when a stranger approached me with the opportunity of a lifetime, I couldn't help but accept. He told me I could be part of an empire! That we would be a city upon a hill for those seeking to push the boundaries of existence. That we would prove life could thrive in the most desolate of places: the bottom of the ocean, faraway stars, and a vacuum between universes.\"
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\"And what of that dream?\"
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\"It's still a work in progress. Frankly, I'm disappointed. For all of Lamplight's artistic endeavors, they fail to recognize when someone with true talent falls into their lap. But they'll all see in time!\"
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\"Then why are you the only one still up here?\"
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\"Evidently, I'm the only one dedicated enough to their work to make the necessary sacrifices.\"
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\"You consider the closing of your chain a necessary sacrifice?\"
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\"That's an unfair conclusion, seeing as you haven't heard of my business before today. I thought I left my establishments in good hands to come here. Understandably, they'd be a little worse off without my guidance, but\u2026\"
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\"Remind me again what did you want this place to be exactly: an extension of your business, or a revival of your art?\"
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Ambrose scoffs.
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\"There's no difference. My business is my art.\"
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The pair sat in silence for several moments, Ambrose gazing longingly towards the snow-saturated window while Peregrine's eyes bore into him. When it was clear the chef had nothing else to say, Peregrine finally sighed and stood up.
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\"Well, I'd best be on my way. It isn't wise to linger near the edge of reality for too long.\" Peregrine pushed in his chair. \"Thank you. Your story was quite\u2026 wistful.\"
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\"Now where are you going? Don't leave just yet! I have more to show.\"
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\"Such as?\"
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\"Perhaps you saw the fine tapestries on the wall? The hand-carved mahogany tables? Could I serve you some of our refined beverages?\"
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\"With all due kindness, you said you wouldn't attempt to sway my review. I requested no special treatment.\"
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\"Oh of course- I simply want your input. I'm always looking to improve!\" Ambrose waved his hand around the bungalow. \"Does anything seem tacky to you? Overdone? Just say the word and I'll fix it.\"
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\"If you want me to be honest, this place lacks a focus. I can tell you're in an odd place right now, and frankly, folks don't come to Lamplight just for business. And they certainly don't stay here for it. So if you're trying to make something for yourself here, I suggest being more honest with yourself.\"
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Ambrose's eyes suddenly sparkled to life.
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\"Well tell you what- you've got a lot of heart! More than I ever could. I get it now. You've got more worth than just a customer. How would you like to be my business partner? Listen up kid, I've got the opportunity of a lifetime for you! Right here, right now, things are about to change. You're gonna make it BIG! And I will be the shining star that guides you to your glimmering destiny. You were always meant for great things, my friend.\"
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Peregrine pulled away. His expression shifted to one of disgust.
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\"That's very kind of you, but I graciously need to pass.\"
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\"Oh, come on now! You haven't even seen what I can offer you!\"
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\"Again, I asked you not to sway my review.\"
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\"Of course, I'd do no such thing! I uh- I'd simply like to see the review before you leave. Seeing as you promised to write one. I told you, I'm a businessman, not a beggar.\"
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\"Careful, words lose their weight if reused.\"
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\"Just please, let me see the review.\"
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Peregrine's gaze hardened, and he returned to his seat.
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\"Very well, then.\"
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He produced a quill and pad from his cloak and began writing.
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A Peregrine's Ponderings
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\nAmbrose Lamplight is, amongst local 24th-century restaurants, unfortunately undeserving of recognition. Resigned to the edges of the community, the establishment gets few visitors- though the harrowing trek is not the only reason for this.
\nLamplight has a way of making the folks who come here confront their existence. One cannot afford to be vapid and shallow. Branding, advertising, and luxury might have worked well enough for Ambrose in the reality outside this little bubble, but this branch makes it clear that stripped of its showmanship and bravado, the brand has completely lost its heart.
\nIn my mind, Chaz Ambrose realized this and came to Lamplight to reconnect with his artistic roots. But decades of changing his ways for material gain prevented him from properly integrating with the community. So, he decided to stay at the edge of reality, not quite ready to fade away, but still numb to the severity of his situation. I have no doubt Ambrose Restaurants started with the purest of artistic intentions, but decades or centuries of growth and success can tarnish even the most honest of minds and intentions.
\nI admit I came to Lamplight seeking to connect with my own artistic nature. I figured the empty menu would have some lovely metaphorical meaning to inspire me, but it was only a symptom of Ambrose's gradual erasure.
\nI can only hope this languishing legacy crumbles away quickly and painlessly, for the sake of all involved.
\nSo here we are, one last review from the end of Ambrose.
\nCheers, Peregrine
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Peregrine silently stood from his seat and walked out, where he pinned the note to the doorframe. Ambrose rushed after him and began to read. The traveler simply began his descent.
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It took mere moments for Ambrose to begin his mournful screaming.
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\"You've ruined me! You've ruined me! You promised to save me!\"
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It took an equal amount of time for the cries to fade.
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Only halfway down did Peregrine look back.
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Where the restaurant once stood was now silent, simple nothingness.
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Cite this page as:
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For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
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Harmacy
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![\"{$name}\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--resized-images/ambrose-little-havana/{$name}/medium.jpg\"/)
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When I first heard the news that celebrity chef Chaz Ambrose would be opening a Little Havana location in the nexus' Tourism Sector on the 26th of July, I must admit, I was skeptical. Mister Ambrose is no Auguste Escoffier \u2014 this much I can ascertain by simply stepping into any of his other restaurants worldwide. He is more of a culinary chameleon; adapting the local dishes into his own style and bending them to his mediocre vision of mass-produced food for the masses. And when I found out Mr. Ambrose was opening a location in my hometown in cooperation with Marshall, Carter, & Dark, I was bereft of joy.
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For as long as Cuba has existed, it has known hunger. The Taino who lived there prior to the arrival of the Spanish were subsistence farmers at the mercy of cruel hurricanes and unpredictable weather. The Spanish brought with them slavery, sustenance farming, and an insatiable appetite for local delicacies, which were obtained through, yes, you guessed it, slavery.
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This continued even after Cuba gained its independence, with the common people being ruled over by an elite bourgeoisie, all of which culminated in the Revolution of 1959 which saw Fidel Castro rise to power over the little island. Socialism brought with it its own challenges, such as being shut out of most trade and becoming isolated, which of course, led to further hunger in the island. Modern Cubans\u2014 at least most of them \u2014 are surviving off of ration cards and whatever they can forage in the land and sea.
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All this to say, Cuba truly knows hunger. So where does this put a \"fine\" dining restaurant based on the cuisine of the Pearl of the Antilles?
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Let's dive in.
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Arriving
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Upon arriving at La Joya del Caribe \u2014 Marshall, Carter, & Dark's luxury hotel built at the side of Sierra Plata in the Tourism Sector of Little Havana \u2014 I was greeted by waitstaff. Something I noticed immediately was their elegance and attention to detail. Most Ambrose restaurants around the world are staffed by pimply-faced teens and slobs off the street. This was not the case here; every interaction was highly professional and calculated. This was my first shock of the night. Perhaps something had sparked a change in Mr. Ambrose, making him more interested in maintaining an upscale operation. Or perhaps it was just the fact that Marshall, Carter, & Dark are bankrolling this operation, and they expect nothing less than excellence. I do wonder.
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Anyway, I must admit, dear reader, that this waitstaff was excellent. I was greeted by name the moment I walked in the door, as if I were an old friend they hadn't seen in years. The warmth with which I was guided to my table was unparalleled. To further add to my surprise, the fact they already knew I wanted a Cuba Libre to whet my appetite was a pleasant one to say the least.
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Unlike most bars I know, the mixologist who prepared my drink knew not to add the lime to the drink, and instead leave it on the rim as garnish for me to add in myself.
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For my underage, alcoholically challenged, or prohibition-practicing readers, a Cuba Libre is a very simple drink made in a highball or Collins glass full of ice. It is one part rum, and two parts cola. As previously mentioned, many will add in fresh lime juice rather than wait for the drinker of the beverage to squeeze it in themselves, something I find uncivilized, but was, again, not the case here.
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The waiter who sat me down was kind enough to inform me that the rum utilized in this recipe came from molasses sourced from Little Havana's finest sugar refinery, El Rey del Azucar. He also let me know the rum was aged 8 years in a cherry barrel which once held bourbon. The cola was slightly less impressive, but it was also made in Little Havana by a local bottler that also uses Little Havana sugar. Sugar grown in Little Havana can exhibit anomalous properties, and the waiter told me El Rey del Azucar specifically grew theirs to the taste of molasses without needing to mix them in, as well as included an anti-cavity causing anomaly. This type of behavior is most unusual for Mr. Ambrose\u2014 he typically sources his ingredients from Sysco, so I was initially a bit skeptical.
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However, the more I drank, the more assured I was of its quality. The drink was strong, intoxicating, sweet, and sour. Everything a Cuba Libre should be, and yet, something was missing.
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The Appetizer
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To say that the average Cuban doesn't really engage with fine dining culture is an understatement. Would one know what an appetizer and entree are? Sure, they speak the language of food in Little Havana and Cuba\u2014 they have to in order to entertain guests from Three Portlands/Eurtec and Canada, but the average Habanero and Cuban does not know what it means to take part in a three course meal.
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This is why I find it so ironic that before I knew it, there was a plate of tostones rellenos con camarones, or in English, \"fried green plantain stuffed with shrimp\", sitting right in front of me.
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Tostones rellenos con camarones.
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My waiter informed me that the shrimp had been caught this very same morning off the coast of Bah\u00eda de Santa Barbara, a secluded fishing spot in Little Havana which produced sapient seafood. He proceeded to then assure me that beings which possess sapience have been proven to taste 25% better. He also said the plantains were wild-grown, a claim I'm not sure I buy, but regardless.
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Tostones are deceitfully difficult to make, especially ones shaped as these were. Green or unripe plantains are peeled, then fried once in oil until gold and crisp. They are then removed and pressed on a tostonera, a kitchen device specialized in flattening tostones, and then fried again and salted. These tostones in particular were likely mashed after being fried once, then molded into their receptacle shape before having a shrimp puree poured into them.
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The taste was umami, and the garnish of chive brought out the whisper of sweet onion flavor to the dish. It was absolutely perfect.
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The Entree
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Finally, the star of the meal. The selection of dishes for this course was shockingly low for an Ambrose joint. There were several classics; ropa vieja, medianoche, butifarra, yuca con mojo, and Cuban sandwiches, but I had to go for the tamale con carne with a side of maduros and rice and beans.
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Tamal con carne, maduros, arroz, y frijoles.
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But what exactly is a tamale? Well, dear reader, a tamale is a dish made from masa harina, or corn flour, steamed in a corn husk. My particular tamale came with beef and tomatoes prepared in mojo. Mojo, for the uninitiated, is a sauce foundational to most Cuban cuisine. It is citrusy, garlicky, and bitter, and we put it on everything. Though it is traditional for meats, vegetables, and even fruits to be steamed within the corn husk alongside the masa harina, Mr. Ambrose instead opted to prepare the meat separate. Despite having come together on the same plate, I know they were not cooked together because the masa harina beneath was meatless and the only meat present was on top of it.
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Maduros are more or less just fried sweet plantains, which the ever-so-insightful waiter informed me were also wild-grown. And speaking of our friend the waiter, he also told me that the beef was sustainably and ethically free-range in a pasture from The Land of Enchantment. The tomatoes were critical tomatoes, raised on nothing but the highest brow of humor.
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The main dish was perfectly umami, the maduros sweet and tender, the mojo was textbook, and the rice and beans flawless in their own right.
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The Dessert
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There is much to be said about a restaurant's dessert options. Many places order pre-prepared cakes in the morning to slice up and serve throughout the day. Ambrose joints are typically not the type of place to do that, to their credit, but they are the type of place to order pre-made pastries from a bakery local of whatever culture they are appropriating. With that knowledge in mind, I pored over the dessert options.
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Arroz con leche (rice pudding), pastelitos de guayaba y coco (guava and coconut sticky pastries), and flan. Though I would have typically gone for the arroz con leche, my good friend the waiter suggested the flan, and who am I to question the maestro? So I ordered the flan. So I was commended for \"my\" excellent choice. So the waiter went off to the kitchen. So it was.
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Flan is a simple dish, consisting of eggs, sugar, condensed and evaporated milk, and a whole lot of love. It originated in the Mediterranean during the age of the Roman empire, and was introduced to Latin America as a whole during the Spanish Conquista. Every Hispanic country has its own special twist on the dish, like how all countries colonized by the British have their own takes on curry.
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But let's not reminisce on such nasty thoughts. My flan was brought out in short order, but how could this be? It was naked! But fear not, it was shortly after accompanied by the chef who brought with her a wheeled table with a burner and caramel boiling away inside. She poured the caramel all over the top of the dessert, something intended to delight and charm, but I would have much rather have my food in peace. Anyway, she poured the boiling hot caramel over the flan and ordered me to wait for it to set, which I did.
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I thought that I had taken a picture when it was served, but alas, I didn't. Good thing I checked. Flan.
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Much like everything else in this establishment, it was perfect.
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The Overall
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And that, my dear reader, concludes my dine-in at Ambrose Little Havana.
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Yes, that was all.
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Now, anyone familiar with Cuban culture will be realizing something is very wrong here. I waited for fifteen minutes after finishing my flan, and was met only with the check. Though the service was excellent\u2014 a far cry from all other Ambrose joints I have visited \u2014 and the food was excellent; again a far cry from other Ambrose joints, there was a severe faux pas here. Have you figured it out yet, dear reader?
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No?
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Well, let me tell you. It is customary to always offer your guest a shot of cafecito, otherwise known as Cuban espresso, at the end of a meal. Really, it should have been offered upfront and at the end of the meal. It is a most time-honored tradition in Cuban culture, and at any Little Havana restaurant owned by actual Habaneros you go to in this wide world of ours, you will be offered cafecito. Rather put out and flabbergasted by this, I asked my good friend, the waiter, if they served cafecito. He tragically informed me that no, they did not serve it.
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So off I went on a little trip to the Residential Sector, back to a little cafeteria I had gone to when I was still a child. Much to my surprise, it was still there, and you bet your bottom dollar they were brewing a fresh cafecito for me within seconds of my arrival.
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Dios bendiga a La Cafeteria es Invencible.
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So overall, how was the Ambrose Little Havana experience? As expected from a joint Marshall, Carter, and Dark venture, the service was five stars. The food was perfect, but I could tell it was made by CIA graduates rather than local people. It lacked the love that makes Hispanic cooking as good as it is. It is the difference between \"good\" and \"great.\" It's what makes food genuine.
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But the most damning thing was the cafecito, and this is also how I knew that the kitchen was not staffed by locals. No self-respecting Habanero kitchen worker would be able to get through their shift without at least two cafecitos. There is also the fact that these dishes were so calculated and devised, there was no room for passion. So I guess in the end, it really is not too different from a typical Ambrose joint.
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Until next time, dear reader.
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- B. Santos
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Cite this page as:
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\n\"Ambrose Little Havana\" by Uncle Nicolini & DC_Yerko, from the SCP Wiki. Source: https://scpwiki.com/ambrose-little-havana. Licensed under CC BY-SA.
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For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
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\nFilename: santos.jpg
\nAuthor: Les Haines
\nLicense: CC BY SA 2.0
\nSource Link: Flickr
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\nFilename: cubalibre.jpg
\nAuthor: pxhere
\nLicense: Public Domain
\nSource Link: Pxhere
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\nFilename: tamal.jpg
\nAuthor: Mx. Granger
\nLicense: Public Domain
\nSource Link: Wikimedia Commons
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\nFilename: tostones.jpg
\nAuthor: Arlene Campusano
\nLicense: CC BY SA 4.0
\nSource Link: Flickr
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\nFilename: flan.jpg
\nAuthor: Siendoyoretranqui
\nLicense: CC BY SA 4.0
\nSource Link: Wikimedia Commons
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\nFilename: cafeteria.jpg
\nAuthor: Felix Stahlberg
\nLicense: CC BY SA 2.0
\nSource Link: Wikimedia Commons
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Info
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Ambrose London Prix Fixe
\nAuthor: ![\"stormbreath\"](\"https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=3075960&size=small&timestamp=1788006678\")
stormbreath
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Written for the 7th Annual Art Exchange as a gift for ![\"Lt](\"https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=1735419&size=small&timestamp=1788006678\")
Lt Flops, who asked for something about the anomalous food scene!
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Ambrose London
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Four Course Prix Fixe
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With Optional Wine Selection
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First Course
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\n- Cockatrice Pot Stickers \u2014 Prepared with demanding care to ensure no poison is in the meat, Ambrose London is proud to be the first restaurant to serve cockatrice meat. Noted for a sour and creamy taste, quite unlike any other.
\n- Baked Potato Bug \u2014 Conceptually produced by a large Ur-Potato, these crickets are entirely composed of potato matter, and deep-fried for flavor. Garnished with bacon, sour cream, onion and melted cheese.
\n- Yesterday's Bruschetta \u2014 Grilled toast topped with olive oil, tomato and mozarella. All ingredients used in the making sourced from at least one hundred years in the past using time travel techniques, allowing for different tastes compared to today.
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Second Course
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\n- Eternal Stew \u2014 This is not your grandmother\u2019s perpetual stew, one that has only lasted for a month or two. Ambrose London has acquired an eternal stew which has been in production for over two millennia, giving it a one of a kind taste two thousand years in the making.
\n- Lunar Gruyere Fondue \u2014 The moon might not be made of cheese, but the daemons of Levania are renowned for their dairy products. Served with a rotating selection of types of bread, prepared fresh in-house each day.
\n- Alexylvan Corn Soup \u2014 Using a recipe sourced from the Culinary Institute of Alexylva, this dish blends Ancient Roman and American Cherokee cooking in an out of this world way. Contains three varieties of corn, blended with cheese and honey.
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Main Course
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\n- Crab-Stuffed Mushroom \u2014 A rare mushroom from a hard-to-reach forest in Northern Oregon, stuffed with three different species of crab, including the Alaska King, Marianas Blue, and Greek Behemoth. Sweet and tender with a subtle aftertaste. A popular selection at Ambrose New York, not to be missed!
\n- Caviar Platter \u2014 A choice selection of eight fine and exotic varieties of caviar, including coelacanth, Salmon of Knowledge, duross, and even an egg from the Kraken that attacked the fey isle of Hy-Brasil in 1988.
\n- Five Senses Linguine \u2014 Designed to induce temporary, artificial, total-sensory synesthesia. Experience food on every level: taste, smell, sight, hearing, and touch. An indescribable experience. Served with a house-made pesto.
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Dessert
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\n- Dragon\u2019s Baked Alaska \u2014 Prepared fresh at the table using the breath of one of our in-house draconus domesticus, commonly known as the miniature domesticated dragon. The use of an organic flame gives the meringue a clean and smooth taste.
\n- Volcano Cake \u2014 Using simple magical principles, this is a simple chocolate lava cake which has been adapted to erupt with melted chocolate after being served. Has a dark, smooth taste with a slightly spicy kick.
\n- Fruits of the Gods \u2014 A selection of rare and mystical fruits from all over the world, including Underworld Pomegranate seeds, El Doradan Golds (derived from the common orange), and Brandy-infused strawberries. Ask your server for the current seasonal offerings.
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Wine
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\n- Champagne of Youth \u2014 Magically treated to ameliorate the effects of advanced age for a brief time after drinking, easing aches and pains. Noted for a sharp taste with hints of ginger. Best paired with the Caviar Platter.
\n- Thousand-Year Merlot \u2014 Aged in a temporal isolation vault with a vastly accelerated time differential compared to the norm, while the grapes used to produce this wine were picked last year, the wine itself is effectively over a thousand years of age.
\n- Rubedo Reserve \u2014 For the more esoteric palate, Rubedo Reserve is transmuted from human blood using forbidden alchemy. Noted for a distinctive taste with notes of blood, dry paper, and a blue cheese finish.
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Base: 700 GBP
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With Wine: 850 GBP
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Reviews Hosted by Oneiroi
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London Underworld
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If you are looking for fine dining, look no further than Ambrose Restaurant\u2019s new London location. While other Ambrose locations cater to more plebian clientele, Ambrose London is an upscale location in the heart of London itself, and is a prime choice for anyone looking for a nice dinner.
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I was recommended to Ambrose London by my Marshall, Carter and Dark sales representative, after particularly enjoying their selections at the Pretty Penny restaurant line, and some of their licensed food options with Ambrose Restaurants, such as the Phoenix \u00e0 La Mode. I would consider this new location to be a worthy equal of those restaurants, and an ideal choice for fine dining.
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Truly, I have no qualms to voice with this location. The service was impeccable and polite, the meals were cooked and served quickly, and everything was delightful in taste. Although pricey, the rarity of all the meals served more than justifies the cost - where else in the world does one have the opportunity to dine upon Kraken eggs, or have a live dragon come to the table? Ambrose London offers an experience that cannot be rivaled or found anywhere else in the entire world.
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The dishes that I ordered (under their excellent prix fixe menu, which I found to have both good selection and pricing) were the Baked Potato Bug, the Lunar Gruyere Fondue, the Caviar Platter, the Dragon's Baked Alaska, with a bottle of Rubedo Reserve. Each was well prepared and absolutely delicious.
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While the Baked Potato Bug calls to mind a different kind of establishment - one that caters to a somewhat lower clientele, I found it to be excellently prepared, and that the exotic origin of the bug made up for the base subject matter. (Unnaturally generated along with conceptual potato based matter, spawned from what may be the conceptual ideal of a potato. As such, this was the best execution of the dish possible.)
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My only negative word to say concerning Ambrose London is that I was not able to eat everything. As such, I eagerly await my next visit.
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Three Portlands Times
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Easily accessible from Three Portlands through Isle of Portland entrances, short walk from train station once within London. Reservations not currently long, but antipicated to grow quickly \u2014 may reach several months in advance.
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Service impeccable, food to match.
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Vegetarian options at every course of fixe prix, although generally only a single option. Adequate, full menu contains more options.
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One menu option - Baked Potato Bug - could be labeled more clearly as non-vegetarian. While composed of plant matter, plant matter was previously sentient organism. Dish served with bacon, could have noted that it is not veg without bacon.
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Yesterday's Bruschetta did not taste significantly different from a modern version of the dish. Tomato slightly different in taste, otherwise similar.
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Alexylvan Soup was suitable. The recipe may have been from out of this world, but the flavor was fitting to this world.
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The Five Senses Linguine made up for the mediocrity of the previous two servings. Completely foreign experience and rather pleasurable. Would not recommend for all, however.
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Fruits of the Gods was a good selection, with the name suitable for the fruits served. Good selection all around.
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Thousand-Year Merlot exsquisite, in contrast to the Bruschetta. Alternate temporal origin worked better for this dish, complemented and enhanced it well. Wine paired well with other courses.
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The Holy Grail
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I had the worst diarrhea of my life after having the Four Course Prix Fixe. I ordered the Baked Potato Bug, the Eternal Stew, the Crab-Stuffed Mushroom and the Dragon's Baked Alaska.
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It all started very soon after I got home that night. Almost immediately after I did, I was struck by this horrible pain in my stomach, and I rushed to my bathroom as fast as I could. I spent the next three hours, in absolute agony, as my bowels ripped themselves apart, bound themselves back together, and like Prometheus, mercilessly repeated the process a hundred times.
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I began to hallucinate that I was not alone in my bathroom, but grappled with a vision of a thousand demons in Hell, like Dante. A thousand monsters surrounded me, menacing me. This may have been nothing more than a hallucination, but it was horrifying.
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And then, in a final moment of horror, there was a torturous moment of agony as my bowels emptied themselves, which seemed to last for no less than a hundred years. (The time on the bathroom clock, in it's taunting menace, did not change.)
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With that completed, I have but a singular memory of collapsing unconscious onto the floor of my bathroom, blacking out.
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During my blackout, I had a vision of eternal and heavenly bliss. A choir of angels surrounded me, singing blessed psalms and delivering me from evil. I danced among the clouds, free from the pain and agony that had grappled me earlier. It was nothing short of divine enlightenment, and I have become a devout Catholic afterward.
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I woke up after that vision slumped in the doorframe of a Catholic church (a large part of the reason as to why I am now a Catholic), fully clothed and entirely clean. I quickly learned I was in Marrakesh, with no recollection of how I arrived there from London. I still do not know, to this day.
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I had to tear down and completely renovate my bathroom after the sordid events of that night, and am currently involved in a lawsuit against Ambrose Restaurants to pay for the damages. I do not recommend dining at any of their establishments.
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That being said, the meal was absolutely delicious.
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Ambrose Makiling
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Ambrose Makiling is Happy to Announce its Grand Opening!
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We invite you to join us in exploring new culinary heights right here in Makiling's Grove, on the Pearl of the Pacific.
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Indulge in our Hands-only Buffet overflowing with the local exotic fauna and flora, raised by our own host, Fairy Queen Maria Makiling and her Diwatas. These alluring nymphs are more than eager to follow your requests on or off the dining table.
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If you're coming with friends, come reserve a table of our famous Boodle Fight offering. We assure you, you won't run out of food like the soldiers of old, because everything replenishes itself!
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We accept advanced orders for customers with reservations. Please contact us one (1) day in advance for preparation. In addition to our in-house ingredients, we accept custom orders for any materials you may bring for a small corkage fee.
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Fixed Price per Pax = 14,000.00 PHP
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Disclaimers
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As we serve the local deities and entities as well, please do refrain from engaging other customers or prohibited areas. We do not claim responsibility for mortals who have been spirited away. We have bungalows for more private affairs, so please don't wander off the premises.
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All food materials you bring will be evaluated upon entry and given an appropriate price for corkage.
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Kakanin (Bite-size Baked Goods)
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\nKalasakas Sinukmani
\n(Growth Sticky Rice Cake)
\nPioneered by the local god who grows crops, eating this glutinous mixture of steamed rice, coconut milk, and topped with roasted highland legumes and latik fried coconut flesh will at least add 2 centimeters to your height.
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Kalasokus Bibingka
\n(Ripening Baked Rice Cake)
\nPopularized by the local god who matures crops for harvest, this baked delicacy from milled glutinous rice, coconut milk, butter and spices will bring you back to your sexual prime.
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Damulag Puto
\n(Softening Steamed Rice Cake)
\nMade infamous by the local god who protects flowers, this soft and puffy steamed cake topped with Sarangay cheese and salted Tiktik egg is jam packed with so much calories and carbohydrates eating 3 cakes at once will cause fat embolisms.
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Pang-Dagat (Seafood)
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Kilawing Sirena
\n(Vinegar Cured Siren Ceviche)
\nRaised in the Laguna Lake at the foot of the mountain, these sirens are put to sleep by Diwata voices before they are butchered to ensure the highest quality demi-human meat reaches your table fresh. Actively denatured in coconut vinegar and rare mountain spices right at your fingertips. Rest assured the scales growing on you are quite normal.
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Pinaputok na Berberoka
\n(Steamed Open-gutted Swamp Thing)
\nFreshly gutted in front of our guests, our BerBeroka stock are unequalled in size and meat texture. Fed only the youngest of lost children in spring water, Berberoka we prepare have none of the muddy smell of regular ones. Customers can choose what spices they would like to stuff the chosen Berberoka. Vegan Berberoka available upon request.
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Sinigang na Sugpo sa Mangalyo
\n(Sour shrimp Stew in Will-o-wisp fire)
\nOnly the biggest shrimps imported from our Temecula branch is good enough for our guests. Stewing all night using the local fire wisps, the wisps are added to the tamarind and vegetables reduction once they use up their short lifespans. The resulting viand is bursting with flavor and light.
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Karne (Meats)
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\nBistek Sarangay
\n(Muscle Bull Demon Steak)
\nAllowed to terrorize the nearby university, each bull gains more muscle mass by feeding on the high quality fear of its victims. Butchered stress-free and grilled with Mangalyo fire, the meat tears off like cotton candy. Served with Sarimanok liver gravy, our albularyos are on standby in case of heart failure.
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Adobong Sarimanok
\n(Rainbow Chicken Adobo)
\nWhole Rainbow Chickens plucked and gutted hourly (yes, that's the hourly fireworks). The prized liver portioned for its painful burst of sublime taste, the lean meat is stewed in coconut vinegar and mountain soy sauce. Spices are added after 30 minutes of boil over Mangalyo fire, resulting in the divine flesh falling off the bones.
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Dinuguang Aswang na Baboy
\n(Demon Pig Blood Stew)
\nUsing an old method to make demons, Kurobuta swine devours victims of violent crime successfully improving the already tender meat from Kurobuta strains. Meat and entrails are stewed in its own blood infused with moonlight herbs and coconut vinegar for 2 hours. More than 2 servings and even Maria Makiling herself can't help you.
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Kasama (Side Dishes)
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\nWakwak Balut
\n(Man-Crow Embryo)
\nWakwak eggs brought in from the Capiz Region are inspected for embryos. Viable eggs are soaked in warm blood for months for the embryo to mature. Before hard tissues fully form, the eggs are pressure cooked for 2 hours. Served freshly cooked on the service floor with salt and vinegar.
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Atsarang Labong ni Malakas at Maganda
\n(Pickled Bamboo Shoots of Adam and Eve)
\nBamboo shoots are harvested from the Great Bamboo and pickled with other moonlight vegetables in Coconut vinegar. The resulting dish is a perfect accompaniment to any of our meat offerings, substantially lowering your risk of cardiac arrest.
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Itlog na Pula ng Tiktik
\n(Salteg Harpy Eggs)
\nHarpy Eggs are harvested and submerged in mud comprised of graveyard soil and fairy tears. The eggs are then boiled over Mangalyo fire and served fresh on kakanin or beside rice offerings.
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Special of the Day
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\nSizzling Sisig Ulo ng Aswang na Baboy at Atay ng Sarimanok
\n(Meat Salad of Demon Pig Head Parts and Rainbow Chicken Liver)
\nMarinated a day before in a coconut vinegar concoction, then seasoned with salt, pepper and starlight spices, afterwards drizzled with Calamansi and topped with Cracklings. Served on a sizzling hot plate, it finishes cooking right in front of your eyes!
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(Caution: Touching the hot plate will melt whatever body part it came into contact with)
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Advanced Orders
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\nSisig Kahit Ano
\n(Anything Goes Meat Salad)
\nYou name the meat, we serve it on a sizzling hot plate.
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Kilawing Kahit Ano
\n(Anything Goes Vinegar Cured Meat)
\nYou name the meat, we serve it fresh and cold.
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Sinigang Kahit Ano
\n(Anything Goes Sour Soup)
\nYou name the meat, we serve it in sour soup.
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Panulak (Beverages)
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\nMakiling Mead
\n(Honey Alcohol from Makiling's Sacred Garden)
\nMead from the honey in Maria Makiling's garden is exceptionally sweet and terrifyingly strong. Flowers in the garden are tended by the faeries themselves, showered by their faerie dust. 3 shots is all you can take, believe us.
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Diyan Masalanta Tuba
\n(Love and Conception Goddess Coconut Red Wine)
\nA local aphrodisiac and fertility supplement, the perfect drink for a date. Over-consumption will lead to twins.
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Batang Bakunawa Lambanog
\n(Coconut Vodka with young Snake Dragon)
\nWith a young snake dragon infused in a lambanog jar for decades this drink is truly for the divine. We mean it. Mortals will not only lose brain cells, but also their minds.
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Secret Menu
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AVAILABLE ONLY FOR PRIVATE ROOM VIP'S
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Embutidong Aswang
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\nAswang Kurobuta meat is finely ground and mixed with delicate moonlight spices and wrapped in lotus leaves. Steamed slowly with Makiling spring water then fried with Sarangay butter over Mangalyo fire. Those who have tasted it are known to relive their happiest moments in a dream like state with 50-50 chances of never waking up.
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Relyenong Sirena
\n(Meat Stuffed Whole Siren)
\nDirectly eating both the human and fish portions of a Siren stuffed in its own skin delivers one of the emotionally cathartic experience we can deliver. The meat, together with our best spices, makes you forget your saddest memories while minimizing the risk of becoming a merman yourself by 80%.
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Lechong Kasama Mo
\n(Spit Roast Your Companion)
\nTired of your spouse? Want to replace your abusive boss? Or just craving for that specific person? We have you covered! Just signal your Diwata attendant and our resident Kapres (Ogres) will grab your target, tenderize them, skewer them with our signature Great Bamboo Skewers\u2122 and roast them on an open fire. You can choose from our wide range of barbecue sauces. Satisfaction guaranteed or your companion back!
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For Reservations Please Contact:
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(+63) \u2588\u2588\u2588-\u2588\u2588\u2588-\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 for \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 subscribers
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(+63) \u2588\u2588\u2588-\u2588\u2588\u2588-\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 for \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 subscribers
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lola.basyang.1925@\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588.\u2588\u2588\u2588.ph
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\nI simply came to have a snack and drink but this place does not disappoint. The Demon Kurobuta blends perfectly well with the divine liver meat. I also sampled small portions of all your liquor and was sincerely impressed, though I can't recall drinking the last one. Perchance, could we procure some stock? Your banana leaf menu was an amusing piece of parchment and I shall pass it on to my superiors.
\n~Victor Chan
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\nMy date would've been perfect if that Faerie didn't suggest THAT SECRET OPTION to me. I apologize for having lost my composure. I'm kinda attached to my mortal and would never think of hurting him. Other than that, the shrimp stew was sour to perfection. The chef was also kind enough to give us some additional Mangalyo for our soup. I absolutely loved those savory sweet lights.
\n~ Mayari, Avatar of Selene
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\nMe and my friends were just hiking when we got lost in this fog. We remembered an old tale about reversing our shirts and found this amazing place. I've always been a healthy eater, but when I got the Puto with the Dinuguan, I just had to pig out. Well, I'm an obese pig now after that. My friend tried checking how hot the hot plate was and lost his arm. Some old dude did first-aid and led us out of the mist. Funny thing though, our luggage included 2 additional bags from people we don't remember meeting.
\n~Juan dela Cruz
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\nI found the copious amounts of hatred the Aswang Kurobuta exuded to be refreshing. The horror of its victims would have been of top quality. I also firmly express my gratitude to the host for accommodating my request of having seven attendants. The Tuba they served me worked so well, I finished seven bottles.
\n~ Child of the King Adorned in Red
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Disclaimer: I open with a direct query to Mr. Chaz Ambrose himself. You may, at your own leisure, read the first section of this review, but as you are likely not Chaz Ambrose, it is not necessary for you. If you are Chaz Ambrose, read the following, if nothing else.
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To Mr. Ambrose:
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What was the process that led to the creation of Ambrose NYC? How involved were you in the process? Surely, as your name lies on almost every single thing in the entire place, you were involved to a great deal. Surely, since you pride yourself on the reputation of your establishments and the quality of food that they serve, you must have eaten at the location at least once. And if we can assume that you have eaten at the location before, how did any of the food served pass muster to your presumably rigorous standards? Is this the kind and variety of food that you yourself consume on a regular basis, if you can even be so generous as to call it food?
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Have you ever had the chance to enter Ambrose NYC \"undercover\" or even attempt to experience it through the eyes of an ordinary customer? If so, what were your thoughts on the service? Was it up to the quality that you advertise throughout your locations, and pride yourself upon? Did the food you order manage to appear at your table, or were you served with mystery items that you could not even recall having seen upon the menu? Was your food served promptly and on time, or even anything beginning to approach such concepts?
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If the answer is as I would expect (or perhaps, hope) it is \u2014 that you have never even stepped foot inside Ambrose NYC \u2014 then I would strongly urge you to visit. I trust that your reaction to the dining experience you will receive will be of the same sort as my own. The alternative is that you approve of the experience at this location, and that is simply far too insane of an idea to even begin to entertain.
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Decor
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Ambrose NYC does everything it can to capture the feel of Americana despite a complete lack of understanding of what that actually entails. This is understandable, as Mr. Ambrose hails from London and has had little exposure to American culture. However, one would have expected that another person in the design process would have objected to the questionable design decisions made in the decoration of Ambrose NYC and done anything to stop them. But alas, there does not appear to have been anything of the sort before the opening, and we are cursed to live with Ambrose NYC.
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![\"car.jpg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-nyc/car.jpg\"/)
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One of the less tacky shots I could get.
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The interior of Ambrose NYC looks like a horrific fusion of just about every single possible trope that one could hope to see in a generic \"American small diner\", but in such a way that doesn't synergize. There are countertop islands sitting in the middle of the floor, surrounded on all sides by booths. Inoperable jukeboxes and vending machines are scattered between tables and chairs, often getting in the way of traffic. Perhaps the near mazelike effect of the floor is what causes such delays in the delivery of food?
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There was no natural lighting at my own table. We were apparently deep enough into the bowels of Ambrose NYC that the outside world was nothing more than a fleeting memory. Our surroundings were all poorly illuminated, and while the decorations appeared similar to the Americana I had seen on our way in, it was all so dark I could barely make anything out. Paintings on the wall looked familiar, but I couldn't see them clearly to identify them.
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Chairs and tables are neither comfortable or sizeable. Even when I was lucky enough to see our old dishes bussed, my table barely had enough room for two plates, and yet it was evidently meant to sit three. Seating arrangements appear to have as much variance as the rest of the design in the restaurant. My table had two different seats: a short stool with no back and an uncomfortable seat, and a wooden chair that seemed more appropriately sized for a child. There was also the noted absence of a potential third chair, in the way that shreds your mind. My wife sat in the stool and I took the chair, which did not reach up to the table and I was forced to sit upon my feet to reach the table. We did our best to ignore the chair-shaped hole.
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At one point, I left to try and find a bathroom. On the way, I passed by a ledge, marked by a flimsy and poorly secured guardrail. Looking down, I could see that there was a large shaft, stretching down several stories, with windows looking out onto the shaft, with kitchens on the other sides. This was baffling, as there were several levels of kitchens, and their views from the exterior only looked into a dismal pit. The area I was in was not well trafficked, so the windows did not appear to be for the benefit of customers to see their food preparation.
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I finally managed to find the bathrooms, although there were no signs on the walls. In fact, the only things on many of the hallways were strange sigils and runes with no clear meaning. They appear to have been meticulously placed, but there is no sensible logic in them. Even with a background in occult workings, I was unable to make any heads or tails of the scrawled writings. If they do anything (and I'm not sure that they do), then it is nothing intentional.
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The bathrooms were fine, although the signage on them was just as strange: there two bathrooms next to each other, but neither was marked for gender. At least, not for human gender. Instead, there was only a tentacle on one door, and a fang upon another. Since nobody else was around, I simply chose at random and hoped for the best.
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Service
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In truth, I cannot say that the service at Ambrose NYC was truly intolerable. Unlike the other elements of the restaurant, the most I can muster up to describe is \"ineffable\". Although there were certainly various quirks that I noticed, the wait staff did appear to make a concerted effort to deliver the best service experience possible, although their ability to do so appeared to have been worn down by the unenviable experience of actually working at Ambrose NYC.
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Upon entering the restaurant, my hostess informed my wife and I that she must apologize in advance for any trouble in navigating to my table, and proceeded to give us verbal instructions for how to walk to it. I felt this was a strange start and questioned the usage of it, but the reasoning became obvious when she simply vanished into thin air halfway before we made it to the table. We took the advice she had given us and marched on to our table, which strangely already had our name written on it, in a reserved note.
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My food was late at every turn. We waited for unreasonable amounts of time for anything to come out of the kitchen, even the most simple of requests (such as a glass of water). However, the wait staff who arrived to our table (who were different every time they visited) were constantly apologetic, saying that they were trying their best. Their demeanor was obvious enough: they were frantic, trying to navigate through a hostile building with confusing design only intended to confound. As far as I could tell, they were indeed trying their best, and I cannot fault them for the service I recieved.
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This is not a full pardon for the service that I received. I simply put it forward to say that I do not blame the individual waiters and chefs for the quality of the restaurant, as it appears that the upper management was attempting to make the experience as unenjoyable as possible. There needs to be great change at the establishment if it wants to continue, but this change must come at a higher level than the individuals. The waiters performed admirably, as well as they could have under their pitiable predicament.
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Food
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Just as with everything else at Ambrose NYC, the menus are strange and nearly incoherent. The majority of items are either poorly described or incorrectly described in some manner. The menu ended up being nearly unusable for anything other than a basic idea of what things were called, and even then, this was not a useful metric. For this reason, I am not including an excerpt of the menu, as is traditional for Waldon Studios reviews.
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The appetizers set me up for disappointment. Unlike the rest of the menu, the appetizers were well described and straight forward. I ordered the \"Sun-Infused Fried Cauliflower\" which was described as being cooked in seconds with nothing more than extremely concentrated harvested sunlight. The description indicated it had an ethereal taste, one that could only be described using words that applied to light, not food. The correct menu item arrived following my order, and it did genuinely have the taste the menu said it would. The only qualm I had was that the cauliflower was not served on a plate, but rather upon some kind of occult manuscript (the grease of the dish ruined the book and made it unreadable). Other than this, it was one of the best things I've eaten at an Ambrose Restaurant and it gave me false hope the meal could be redeemed.
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![\"sangria.jpg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-nyc/sangria.jpg\"/)
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Unedited photograph. Flash was not used.
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I cannot speak to how good the cocktail menu is. I ordered a glass of ros\u00e9 sangria, thinking that this was a simple beverage that they could not possibly do poorly. I was already stressed and bewildered by Ambrose NYC at that point, and wanted some wine to settle my nerves. However, this was not to happen. When the wine arrived, it glowed for some inexplicable reason. My table was dark enough that I could see it was actively producing light, and the light persisted as I swished it around in the glass. I elected not to drink the fluids, as I had serious doubts that it was in fact either wine or safe.
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For entrees, I ordered the \"Loaded Carnitas & Barbacoa Nacho Platter\" and the \"Ultra-Deluxe Aurochs Burger\". The first of these was a simple meal that seemed to have no unusual properties, which made me curious as to what Ambrose NYC would do with it. (Many of the menu items lacked full descriptions, particularly of their unusual ingredients and/or properties.) The second was described as being made from extinct aurochs meat, and I figured now would be one of my few chances to try it.
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What I actually received was nothing of the sort: instead a wine bottle filled with smoke and a plate of black Jell-O were placed down before me. When I asked what I had received, the two dishes were merely described as \"bottled sacrifice and void gelatin. Both perfectly edible and safe.\" When I asked if I could get what I had actually ordered, I was told \"No.\" When I reminded my server that I was a food reviewer working for Waldon Studios, they simply shrugged and said that my review of Ambrose NYC would have no relevance when the sun goes out in five billion years, so it was therefore of no cosmic consequence.
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I decided to try the \"void gelatin\" first. When I looked closely at it, I noticed at first that it appeared deep, far deeper than the dish it was served in would allow. If I had to guess, I would say that it was thousands of miles deep, like the expanse of the sky itself. I dipped my spoon in, and felt that if I dropped it, it would slip into the abyss, never to be seen again. Sure enough, it did on my third bite. The gelatin itself had a much chewier consistency than expected, and had rich notes of chocolate and blackberry.
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As for the bottled sacrifice, there was a small release valve on the bottle, with instructions to open it and inhale the smoke. I followed the instructions, and breathed in the contents. All of the ingredients used to create the smoke were present: cow, pig, chicken, various fruits and vegetables and more. I could taste them all at once, and even more flavorful than anything cooked with them would have been. Moreover, although I coughed out much of the smoke, it was immensely filling. Together, me and my wife could barely finish half the bottle.
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Although I asked if there were any desserts available, I elected not to have any. The options I was given were \"Vampire Pumpkin Pie\", \"Actual Lava Chocolate Lava Cake\", and \"Apple Cobbler of Discord\". With great fear as to what any of those could possibly be and no desire to see their affects in person myself, I decided that it was a good time to ask for the check.
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For the most part, the food served by Ambrose NYC is delicious and some of the best in the world. Most of the dining is better than anything I have ever had the chance to taste elsewhere, nor could anything similar be produced elsewhere. However, the fact that there are indeed items that are questionable to consume, the lack of clear menu descriptions for many of the orders, and the fact that the food you order may not be what you actually eat ruins Ambrose NYC, and steal every possible star it could have gotten.
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Conclusion
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A sense of insanity and chaos permeates the entirety of Ambrose New York City, down to the very core. It is a dining experience entirely dissimilar to anything I have ever had in the past, to the point where I feel like I am forced to conclude that it is not accidentally bad but intentionally. The intent of the design appears not to have been to create an environment in which good food is served, but something else entirely. Something entirely inexplicable.
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I cannot recommend Ambrose NYC to the average individual. It does not have any of the qualities that I look for in a meal, or even in a building. However, if you are the rare and insane individual who, for some utterly deranged reason, wants to be stripped of all sense of right and morality during a process that manages to provide a bare minimum of edible nutrients to your body, then Ambrose NYC just might be for you. Even for such a customer, I cannot guarantee your satisfaction.
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Dine at your own risk, or preferably, not at all.
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Zero stars.
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Update
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The following reply was sent to Waldon Studios by Ambrose Restaurants in response to this review. We are unable to determine the meaning of many of the statements that Mr. Ambrose makes in it, but have included it nonetheless.
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To Waldon Studios,
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Hi there! Just got the chance to check out the new review that you posted about our latest product innovation at Ambrose Restaurants. I just want to clear up a few things based on all those questions Mr. Kingston had for me!
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Yes, I was very involved in the production of Ambrose NYC! In fact, I designed the entire thing myself. Every last detail, from the food service to the food itself to the decor has been precisely designed for the ideal result. I'm actually kinda surprised how much you noticed: it's nice to see that my magic touch is being appreciated!
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If you don't get what it was trying to do, don't worry! That'll all be made very clear to just about everybody (and I mean everyone) soon enough.
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With love!
\nChaz Ambrose! <3
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Ambrose San Francisco
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Three Course Sampler
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First Course
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\n- Ouroboric Mozarella Stick \u2014 A single battered and deep fried stick of creamy buffalo mozarella. Once tasted the cheese will not stop flowing. Literally. Served with a side of marinara sauce.
\n- Beetlemania \u2014 Served with a red wine tomato sauce, the juiciest specimens are harvested from between the scaled plates of adolescent drakes. Crunchy and toothsome, you will crave a dragon's horde of these little buggers.
\n- Just-Like-Mom's Duck Onigiri \u2014 Flavorful rice surrounding succulent duck braised in a spiced thaumaturgical wine. This dish will transport you back to your fondest childhood memories and still have you back in time for the main course. Tied together with temporally anchored nori.
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Main Course
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\n- Cioppino \u2014 Our signature dish. This flavorful blend all completes a world tour in a classic Italian style. Featuring Mediterranean gorgon, Cyprian eel, Trojan mussels, and giant calamari from the foot of the Symplegades. As is our policy, if you can subdue this dish yourself, it's on the house!
\n- Veal You \u2014 Freshly harvested from you thirty minutes ago, this hearty dish is pounded thin, battered, and lightly fried to perfection. Served with a white wine lemon-caper sauce and a side of fettuccine. Consuming this dish is a net caloric zero.
\n- Eight Senses Linguine, Redux \u2014 A total sensory experience and beyond. Words, thoughts, sights, sounds will become impossible as your consciousness rises to the level necessary to comprehend this dish. Patrons ordering this dish are not recommended to operate heavy machinery for 4-6 hours after consumption.
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Dessert
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\n- Coconuts On The Mind \u2014 Harvested from the dreams of a long-dead sea dragon, these rich and creamy eggs are conceptually identical to coconut gelee. Your mouth won't be able to tell the difference!
\n- Cold Pot \u2014 Harvested from the deepest and furthest reaches of space, this fruity foam checks in at slightly above absolute zero. Served with a compote of raspberry, blueberry, and pomegranate your tastebuds will savor the essence of the cosmos. Please let your server know as early as possible if you intend to order this dish.
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@absentee.goat
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\nI had the 'Veal You' and I gotta say I was a lot more gamey tasting than I thought I would be. Whatever that sauce was I didn't think it worked the greatest, but everything else was prepared nicely.\n\u2026I should work on my BMI if I am going to order this again.
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@zombae_112
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\nAll I ordered was the mozz stick and I wound up taking it home with me. I am still eating it to this day but I ran out of sauce\u2026
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@hector.the.vector
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\nI was transported back to my mum's kitchen in the house we grew up. I could smell the freshly baked bread, practically taste cobbler she used to make for me. I hugged her, told her how much I miss her and love her. It's been so hard since we lost her but there she was, right in front of me.\nBit too heavy on the rice wine vinegar.
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\nDocument recovered from Location of Interest within Temecula, California after Operation \"Delivery Service\" that was previously owned by the Ambrose Restaurant. This document is preserved for use by MTF Lambda-14 (\"One Star Reviewers\") in their continuing efforts to combat this group of interest.
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Ambrose
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\n\n| Starters | \n\n\n | \n
\n\nSeaside Super Shrimp:
\nOur shrimp are the largest in the city, without question! Order single shrimp of sizes 1/4 pound or 1/2 pound. | \n$4.90 | \n
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\n\nWest Coast Wings:
\nWatch in delight as your serving of spicy wings literally fly out of the kitchen! | \n$4.30 | \n
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\n\nSeance Soup:
\nOur famous blue soup can have you dining with your relatives, even if you've never seen them alive! Only one serving per person, ghost dining menu available on request. | \n$4.30 | \n
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\n\nTemecula Slider Towers:
\nEnjoy this particular starter, and experience life without friction for the next half hour! (Ambrose is not responsible for any injuries sustained while not under the laws of friction.) | \n$4.75 | \n
\n\n| Mains | \n\n\n | \n
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\n\nA Healthy Salad:
\nIt may look like a pile of warm veg, but thanks to innovations by a local anartist, it'll taste exactly like a cheeseburger! | \n$8.50 | \n
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\n\nSingularity Salmon:
\nA large salmon dish, served with roasted potatoes and beans, that defies the laws of geometry! | \n$12.30 | \n
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\n\nOmnipotent Potato Wedges:
\nOur deep fried wedges are superior to all other dishes, and will make that fact known! Any food placed on the plate with them will also become potato wedges! | \n$9.00 | \n
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\n\nGangster's Grub:
\nBecome awestruck as the two halves of your meal fight for supremacy on your plate! The victor determines the flavour, never the same taste twice! | \n$7.00 | \n
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\n\nTint Taquito:
\nChange your hue for the duration of your meal with this delicious Mexican delight! | \n$11.00 | \n
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\n\nBarbecue Fish:
\nCarefully grilled piscomorph from one of at least three realities, depending on availability. | \n$7.00 | \n
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\n\nConceptual Curry:
\nThis dish is the pure concept of a madras curry, zero calories, and entirely transparent! Ask your waiter to add it to another dish. | \n$6.00 | \n
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\n\nChef's Choice:
\nChanges weekly, ask your server! | \n$9.00 | \n
\n\n| Desserts | \n
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\n\nEaster Frog's Eggs:
\nRendered safe to eat by freezing and boiling, this delicious chocolate-like treat can be enjoyed year-round! | \n$4.60 | \n
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\n\nMidnight Cotton Candy:
\nA dark treat, sure to tickle your insides! Exclusively available at all of our restaurants thanks to The Circus of the Disquieting, the Greatest Show in all the Worlds! | \n$3.39 | \n
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\n\nSunside Sugar Shack:
\nA sweet treat you're sure to enjoy, and it'll give you a sunny disposition as well! | \n$5.00 | \n
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\n\nMango Salsa:
\nTwo fruits performing a Latin dance on your plate! Muy caliente! | \n$2.50 | \n
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Customer Reviews: Temecula
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@AirConditionedLaurie
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\nGreat place to eat with a good selection of food!\nGood to finally have a place to eat that suits my more esoteric tastes. Great location too!
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@Quarterporter
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\nI've spent a couple of enjoyable evenings here, the changing menu items are interesting, but I feel like using actual self-modifying menus would improve it a lot.
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@fredazx1fn0q2rc
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\nI didn't like the waiter's face.
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@ready-to-freddie
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\nThe atmosphere is really down to earth, which is tricky to pull off with some of these menu items! Five stars!
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@emptyjudith
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\nFood was good, but about half way through our meal some anophiliac ran at our table and tried to stuff his dick into our drinks.
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@morecircularhome
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\nPlace was crawling with guards, I think there was some kind of incident recently? Managed to have an enjoyable enough meal, but I was constantly on edge.
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@alarming_julius
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\nIf you ever want my custom again, you'll repair your draconian laws! If you refuse to serve me based on one unplanned incident than I will be forced to incite the Foundation upon your establishment.
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@WannaJuana
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\nI had a great meal with the family, everyone said their meals were excellent! I had the fish, and experienced flavors that don't exist in this world!
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@cristina.the.arena
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\nThere was a sale on, and the owner himself cooked for us! Only downside was the ongoing memetic outbreak in the city, but that's hardly this place's fault.\n\u2026It wasn't, right?
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@FastandJiving
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\nMy mouth literally will not stop watering!\nSeriously, how do you deal with runaway salivation?
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@RhianneW-L14
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\nFuck you.
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Info
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Ambrose: The Moderni Bacchae
\nAuthor: ![\"Fenmoth\"](\"https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=8127047&size=small&timestamp=1788006115\")
Fenmoth
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Warning: This article contains reference or depiction to bodily harm/dismemberment, as well as horror and comedy derived from religious circumstances. Reader discretion is advised.
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\u26a0\ufe0f content warning
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\nYou are cordially invited to attend the opening and first night of operation of:
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The Moderni Bacchae
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Presented by Ambrose Restaurants
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\u201cI\u2019m sure you might be wondering why I\u2019m performing this butchery myself,\u201d The artist spoke, dipping his knife into steaming water, \u201cAlong with the blessing of my station as owner of this fine establishment comes an unfortunately common need to delegate such acts to other chefs, and in future, I will likely be forced to defer this task,\u201d
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\u201cHowever,\u201d He paused to wipe down his carving knife with a ratty towel. \u201cFor an opening such as this, I find it quite necessary to cut more than just the ribbon in front of the entrance, and I will do my best to provide a humane butchery for you\u201d
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He began to trace the line between your torso and your arm with his finger. You were struck by the unexpected intimacy of his fingertips. He rested his knife there now as well. You anticipated the moment that he might allow it to bite into you.
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In lieu of our usual associates, this establishment is made possible by its sponsorship by our most generous Patron.
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\u201cNormally we might have stunned you prior to preparation, however, I am certain that you understand the complications in your case. I hope that we have been able to sufficiently dull your senses,\u201d He gestured to the empty bottle of wine left on the table beside you. You knew that this would have done nothing to ease your pain. He pressed down gently with his knife. You felt the blood bloom around the blade's edge, coating the tip with red. You found that you had been correct. You willed yourself not to access the pain fully.
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Disclaimer: Due to the nature of this establishment, none of the offerings below can be verified as Kosher, halal or vegetarian, we encourage observers of these diets to visit another restaurant in the Ambrose Restaurant family which will be better able to serve them.
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It is recommended that Diners avoid eating more than one dish per course, due to the effects of over consumption of The Moderni Bacchae's signature ingredients. These effects include: impaired vision, reduced decision-making capacity, memory loss and physical illness. Ambrose Restaurants is not responsible for any adverse effects experienced by over consuming diners.
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The artist furrowed his brow, cocking his head while he opened a thin river of crimson along your joint \u201cIt\u2019s strange, typically I might find myself thinking now of the immortality found in one\u2019s consumption. I might have told you how your preparation as sustenance would allow you to live on alongside your predator, and with it\u2019s predator after that or failing that, return to the earth when it itself meets its end. I would tell you how you would now have the honour to have the energy you provide be carried forth forever. However,\u201d
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Appetizers
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A marrowing experience - Roasted Patron bone marrow served alongside slices of a lightly toasted fresh-baked baguette and candied lemon slices. This sweet and creamy dish will produce visions of the most painful and traumatic experiences of one's table mate's lives with every bite. This dish allows for a deeper sense of empathy and connection then you have ever experienced. Perfect for both failing marriages and new friendships!
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The trinity board - Thin cuts of Patron meat preserved with salt and dried with smoke. Served alongside the \u201cMediterranean trinity\u201d of olives, wheat and grapes, in the form of fresh whole-wheat bread, virgin olive oil, marinated olives, fresh grapes and a flight of Ambrose\u2019s selection of house wines. All wines have been enhanced with The Moderni Baccae\u2019s signature wine, providing notes of blood, spice, madness and earth.
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He reached the end of his incision. He returned his long knife to the steaming water. Now empty-handed, he began to negotiate your arm from its socket.
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You felt it all as tendon and fat was divorced from muscle and bone. He lifted your severed limb from the table and placed it gently on another surface that you could not see.
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\u201cThis idea is complicated in your case,\u201d He watched as a web of thin and brittle tendrils branched from the opening of your wound, knitting itself together into smooth white bone. \u201cI suppose the idea of your energy continuing without you remains, even without the end of your existence as yourself. I don\u2019t think I find this a satisfying thought to leave you with.\u201d
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He started the dismemberment again, this time taking your leg into his hands and slicing into the joining between your thigh and your hip. \u201cI suppose a nicer thought is an appeal to the art of the process.\u201d
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He stopped speaking in order to think as he severed your leg from its socket, cleaned his tools and refocused his blade to your torso. You had seen more wretched things than any other creature alive, and yet you found yourself nauseous at the thought of what he was doing to the center of your undying body.
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Entrees
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Pseudo-Caesar salad - A classic caesar salad, substituting Patron liver for anchovy in the dressing. Tastes of betrayal. Recommended for those sensitive to the effects of overconsumption due to its low amount of patron flesh.
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Patron Heart soup - A gourmet spin on Italian wedding soup containing a hearty patron broth, spinach, red wine, ditalini and Patron heart in place of meat balls. Seasoned with hearty bay leaves and garlic. A hearty soup that has been known in ninety percent of cases to cure all age-related illnesses of the diner, leaving one feeling refreshed and youthful. In five percent of cases, the diner is left unable to use positive descriptive words for food aside from \"hearty\".
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The pot roast of inevitability - Fall-off-the-bone-tender Patron thigh meat served in a spicy and mouthwatering gravy and stewed with long extinct herbs and vegetables. Diners will find themselves deep in thought about death and rebirth, often to a debilitating degree. Diners also report improved skill in poetry.
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Cut-of-Choice - Pay per/pound for a cut of Patron meat of your choice. Expect a wait of thirty-to-seventy minutes as the meat is butchered fresh on request. Served with your choice of Patron demi glace and/or a House-made lemon-herb browned butter emulsion. Diners are again warned of the effects of overconsumption.
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\u201cI\u2019ve heard nearly every form of art be said to be consumed, and there is a truth to that. I believe that an educated purveyor of art can consume, can take a piece into themself and let it become a part of them.\"
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He carefully traced your insides with the tip of his thinnest and shortest blade. Once he'd fully circled some area of interest inside of you, he stilled a moment to gaze at it, almost hungrily. You thought for a moment that he might attempt to devour you before any meal has been created, until in an instant, the refined and jovial look he'd displayed before had returned.
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\"But food? Food is the only form of art that can be truly consumed by the masses. One need not be enlightened to art, nor even speak the language or know the culture of the artist in order to incorporate it into oneself. One only needs to open their mouth and consume.\u201d
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Dessert
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The apple of - A single deep fried eye of The Patron served with a cinnamon apple puree and vanilla nutmeg whipped cream. Garnished with shaved almonds. Upon consumption, diners will find that they now possess a feeling of deep love for everyone around them. The effect has been known to last for up to two days.
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Sanguinaccio Dolce - A play on an often-banned Italian festival classic. Patron blood thickened in a pan alongside sugar and dark cocoa powder. Cooked softly enough to dip the sweet crostolis it is served with into the rich pudding. It is not recommended to consume more than one serving due to the potency of The Patron\u2019s blood.
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The artist grabbed hold of something deep within your core, pulling it from the warmth of your body. You felt a strange stillness. He held before you the pulsating heart that had carried you long before any of the words the artist spoke held meaning. He quickly removed it from your sight.
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You felt as the hole left in your chest began to reconstitute into a new heart, one which could carry you until the words of the Artist no longer held meaning, and an infinite time beyond then.
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Virgin Drinks
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The stupor - A delicious mixed drink with sweet, zesty and floral flavours, as well as a tinge of salt. Despite it's non-alcoholic nature, this drink will allow the diner to forget all that they've seen and leave the restaurant untroubled. made with rosewater, citrus juice and the tears of the patron.
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Of course, you knew this new heart would not last that long. It wouldn't take much time before this process would have to repeat. Your new heart would serve it's purpose. It would bring you with it into the bodies of the masses, and into their drunken hearts. You would live there, even as your body lay inside this butchering room. You would be allowed into their drunken minds, their basest souls and instincts, and you would live there too.
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Wine
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The sacrament - The blood of the patron, served neat. Tastes markedly similar to a dry and acidic red wine, but much thicker and richer. Diners who wish to remain agnostic are urged to keep sober.
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@GSmitt
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The location, a roman-style vineyard, was both picturesque and on-theme and I loved the Trinity board and the Sanguinaccio Dulce, but I would have appreciated a Wine choice for those of us who are slightly less committal.
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SandyBD
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Delicious and benevolent, that's how I'd describe both the menu and my new god!
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JarvissBarr
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On the Consumption of Art and God: When I first approached the installation, I didn't expect anything special, let alone a deeply interesting study of the nature of art itself\u2026..
\nRead the full essay on my website.
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JoebyJanby
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Witnessed the horrors of war, then the horrors of love, then some more general Horrors. It genuinely set my therapy progress back three years. That said, this was by far the best humanoid steak I've ever had and I will likely be returning once I've worked through it with my therapist.
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Amazing decor, even heartier food. If you do go, I recommend you order \"The Stupor\", for your own sake.
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The ThreePort Report
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The atmosphere and service were excellent, as I've come to expect whenever we review any Ambrose venture. The decor is clearly inspired by the great ancient Mediterranean societies of Greece and Rome. Nearly every wall is either open or cloaked in ostentatious purple drapes of silk or crushed velvet, lending to the luxurious feeling in the dining area.
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The servers were courteous and attempted to accommodate my wife's gluten intolerance, meaning she could not eat either of the available appetizers, through a reduced price on a larger steak as an entree. However, this resulted in her becoming violently ill.
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Additionally, I feel that this restaurant relies heavily on a single gimmick, A gimmick that did not stick the landing for me, as a devout follower of WAN, I do not appreciate the\u2026\u2026
\nRead the in-depth review on our website!
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DWofOregano
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I found god stewed in chiles tonight.
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Ambrose Thorn Valley
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Ambrose Thorn Valley is proud to celebrate our seventh year of operation!
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As other civilizations crumbled under the weight of change, the Empire of the Rose has blossomed into a flourishing sarcoma of cultural and culinary innovation. Though the Imperial capital, New Kalmaktama, is closed to non-citizens, suburban Thorn Valley is known as a must-see destination for hardy survivors from around the globe. It has also become a burgeoning Nexus, ideal for the discerning Wanderer who wishes to experience the wonders of this deathless world.
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In addition to most currencies, we may also accept blood and tissue samples or whole organisms in good condition. Our maitre d' will be pleased to assist with pricing and exchange rate inquiries.
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Disclaimers
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Advanced items, marked with a (+), are best suited for individuals well trained in fleshcarving. Guests who experience severe body damage and are unable to restore themselves will be provided with a complimentary blessing. Our standard blessing imposes a persistent vegetative state, which effectively negates both consciousness and sensation. Imperial citizens may wish to be returned to their liege to receive the blessing to which they are entitled by law. Please communicate your preference to your server prior to dining.
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It is our policy to bless non-advanced menu items prior to preparation. We regret any inconvenience.
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Annelida & Insecta
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\nBouquet Brul\u00e9e
\nSeasonal selections of candied butterflies, suspended in agave worm jelly and topped with seared sugar. Guests may note a distinct floral odor exuding from their digestive orifices until digestion is complete.
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Glacier Salad
\nA flavorful m\u00e9lange of Alaskan ice worms, chili lime dusted crickets and honey-glazed chopped locust, suspended in a delicate lattice of ice which crumbles when touched.
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Enhanced Ants
\nA childhood favorite of the Empress, these Earth-descended honey ants were reimagined by chefs of Kul-Manas. We've created a gentler strain suitable for any diner in robust health. Their naturally sweet, ruby-hued secretions intensify all pleasurable sensory perception for two to three hours per serving.
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(+) Mellifluous Worms
\nImported from the furthest depths of the Pacific Ocean, these tube worms (Riftia pachyptila) are an inspiring embodiment of self-sacrifice in pursuit of personal strength. Adult tube worms anchor themselves near sulfurous vents, opening their bodies to infection by chemotrophic single-celled archaea. Served as a cluster of pale collagen stalks overflowing with flavorful archaea, surmounted with brilliant red plumes rich in unique, complex hemoglobins. Each stalk has been lightly enchanted to chime a different musical note during consumption.
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Chordata
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\nTres Sangres Gazpacho Surprise
\nAn Imperial twist on a traditional cold vegetable soup, this light dish combines selachian, avian and ungulate blood, garnished with slivers of muscle tissue from each animal. Garnish may be served raw or cooked. Guests may experience temporary alterations in facial features or epidermis, inspired by one of the source animals for your meal!
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Ewe Fondue
\nObserve the life cycle of a popular and versatile mammal: the sheep! Gestation, birth, lactation, blessing, preparation and recycling are all presented in an enchanting dinner theater performance by our expert fleshcarvers.
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(+) Foie Marron
\nInspired by pat\u00e9 de foie gras, a delicacy made from the livers of geese which are force-fed rich cream to the point of functionality loss. Ambrose has replicated this process with the nectar of our own Enhanced Ants for a more intense and intoxicatingly delicious experience. Served with crumpets.
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Twice-Blessed Hound Ragout
\nGrown in-house from humanity's most revered symbiote, the flesh most sacred to the Empire! Served with red wine tomato sauce and a pur\u00e9e of seasonal herbs.
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Homo sapiens sapiens
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\nDiplomat's Delight
\nWinning \"hearts and minds\" since our opening day! Pectoral and papillary cardiac muscles are enlarged to a hearty portion in our kitchens, marinated in garlic and sherry and pan-fried with topical selections of cerebral white matter sourced from the same body. Served with guest's choice of sweetmeat kebabs or lemon pepper risotto.
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Empress Fried Children
\nSectioned quadricep muscles from a tender assortment of juvenile humans, lightly breaded and extra rare. Marinated in a ginger-citrus reduction and served with balsamic drizzle. Fit for an Imperial palate!
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Lesser \"Imperial\" Rose
\nWe are proud to partner with Thorn Valley's own Ambassador-Volutaar Ail to present this unique item. A frequent visitor to the Imperial Garden, the Ambassador was recently honored with an invitation to contribute of their own person. An opportunity to engage with the fruits of their skill is a truly priceless opportunity for any connoisseur of flesh! They have crafted a functional replica of the Imperial Rose from choice genetic lines in their sibling-cluster's private collection. Gently smoked over hickory coals in our kitchen; optionally garnished with caramelized onion or haba\u00f1ero chutney.
\n(+) Available in its raw, living form upon request. Failure to control its potent immunosuppressive effects may result in bodily damage.
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(+) Sedition Sashimi
\nThese selections are sourced from condemned criminals, who were convicted of treason and incorporated unblessed into the Temple of Justice. Vicariously experience the eternal conscious torment for which this world is justly renowned!
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\nOn my last visit, the Twice-Blessed Ragout was a bit disappointing. The sauce is so decadent one can barely taste the cancer.
\nWhile I'm pleased with the popularity of my Lesser Roses, it's a shame so few diners can appreciate them properly. Sarkic practitioners applying for Imperial citizenship, be sure to bring your Ambrose receipt to the embassy. We now accept successful Lesser Rose consumption as a skill reference!
\n~ Ambassador-Volutaar Ail
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\nAbsolutely deplorable customer service. Refused to provide any unblessed meats other than those on the menu. How can I savor my meal, knowing they've been \"blessed\" into an unthinking, unfeeling coma?
\nAdd sapiens sapiens foie marron and I'll give you the third star.
\n~ Prince Albert Philip Sandoval-Hapsburg VIII
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\nI make sure to stop at Ambrose Thorn Valley every time I'm in town. Diplomat's Delight is a regular favorite \u2014 they got an actual diplomat this time, I laughed out loud! Only giving four stars because one of the source meats for my \"Fried Children\" was at least fourteen. It was still excellent, but I rely on Ambrose to be accurate as well as delicious.
\n~ Karcist Nadya, Mortality Investigations, Alagadda Civic Police
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\nDamn, those tube worms are spicy!
\n~ Chef \"Gordo\" Gorguzaal
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Cite this page as:
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For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
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Image 1
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\nFilename: rose-blush.jpg
\nName: File:Illustrated and descriptive book of field grown, own root roses for the people (1900) (20556186605).jpg
\nAuthors: California Rose Company; Henry G. Gilbert Nursery and Seed Trade Catalog Collection
\nLicense: Public Domain
\nSource Link: Wikimedia Commons
\nAdditional Notes: Image was heavily modified by ![\"mayoculpa\"](\"https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=3489662&size=small&timestamp=1788006675\")
mayoculpa which included cropping, color shifting, and light manipulation.
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Ambrose Transylvania is an unusual location for the brand, as it is not exclusively a dining establishment, but also a five-star hotel. The complex sits just outside of Cluj-Napoca, in the peaceful foothills of the Carpathian Mountains. The region is historically popular with all manner of hemovores, ranging from the Common Vampyre to the more strange and monstrous Pale Ones. Ambrose Transylvania caters specifically to such entities. Although it is close enough to the city to make hunting easy, it also offers a variety of in-house dining that excels over traditional feeding.
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![\"hotel.jpg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-transylvania/hotel.jpg\"/)
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The above-ground hotel.
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The hotel is divided into two portions: one aboveground and the other underground. The above ground hotel does not carry the Ambrose name, and is marketed simply as an ordinary inn. Ambrose Transylvania, on the other hand, is the true resort: located underground and only serving blood.
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I recently was invited to meet with Chaz Ambrose at Ambrose Transylvania, both to review the hotel and restaurant but also to interview him. Despite our frequent reviews of his establishments, Chaz has never given Waldon Studio an interview before. I was honored to have the privilege, although I am the only vampire that works for the Studios, and was therefore the only appropriate choice. It would be nice to eat at a venue that specifically caters to me, and not just one for general cannibals.
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Mr. Ambrose was waiting for me when my coffin arrived into the dark chambers of the hotel. The entry foyer is deep underground, far enough in that sunlight doesn't penetrate. It is lit by a few dim torches, creating a level of light perfect to our kind and our adapted vision. Ambrose helped open up my coffin, and pulled me out. He had a glass of blood ready for me to rouse me, and we each took a sip as soon as I woke up.
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He welcomed me to the hotel, as his guest, invoking all the ancient and profane rules of hospitality that govern our kind. We performed the rituals of hospitality, as I gave him a gift and him outlining the terms of my stay. He told me we would meet for dinner and the interview just before dawn on the second night of my stay, and in the mean time I was free to have the run of the place, as though I myself was the Lord of the Manor.
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The Hotel
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I have stayed in many hotels in my long unlife, many which have catered exclusively to hemovores like myself. I must say that out of all of them, Ambrose Transylvania is one of the finest establishments I have seen. It satisfies everything that I was looking for in such an establishment, and I hope to have the chance to stay there many more times over the coming centuries. Every part of the place is specifically designed to be a great experience for all hemovores to relax.
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The rooms themselves are comfortable and spacious. The style is antiquated, but this only makes it all the more familiar to a vampire. The modern and postmodern schools are too recent and strange for many of us, and it is always nicer to stay somewhere that doesn't make you feel like a bygone relic.
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Two of the major problems that hemovore hotels always come across are the view out of your room and the fact you have to share your hotel with other vampires. Ambrose Transylvania has managed to solve both of these.
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The View
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No vampire can look outside during the day. No vampire can last for a moment in the sun. Although there are rare hemovores that can survive daylight, they are rare and almost never similar to humans. This means that we cannot see many of the best sights that a city may have to offer, and that many of the typical features are things we cannot look at. A cautious vampire \u2014 a good vampire \u2014 doesn't even like to be in a room that could get sunlight, even if they've cautiously boarded the place up.
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![\"cave.jpg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-transylvania/cave.jpg\"/)
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The view from my hotel room.
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The only good places for us to have a hotel \u2014 one that caters specifically to our needs \u2014 is to put it underground. This is the only good solution to the problem of sunlight, but it does not come without complications of its own.
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Nonetheless, we want to look at something when we go to sleep, but the underground is rarely captivating. Ambrose Transylvania solves this problem by constructing all of the rooms on the shore of a vast and beautiful underground lake. The sight is nothing more than captivating, and lit in soulless electronic spotlights, it is not the kind of light that burns. Ambrose has solved one of the oldest desires of our kind, and done so in an excellent manner. There is no room in the hotel that does not have such captivating views.
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The Other Bloodsuckers
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There is nothing a vampire hates more than another vampire. We are infamous for our squabbles. Fights over feeding territory, the right to induct human into our bloodlines, the grandiose games that elders play over human civilizations. Our humors are imbalanced, and blood dominates (with only a little yellow bile to balance it). We are excitable and quick to anger.
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So when you put any large number of us into one small, confined space, the obvious occurs. It is up to the owner of each hotel to figure out how to fix this issue. I have seen many attempts over the years: not letting vampires interact with each other (how droll), blood bonding all hotel residents (how tyrannical) or with copious guards (how claustrophobic).
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Ambrose Transylvania's solution is not the most elegant I have ever seen, but it does the job well. The ground is ritually desecrated to a few dark blood gods (Chaz refused to tell me which he dedicated them to). Notably, these gods do not find our presence to be intolerable. In fact, it is the opposite: harming one of our kind is the great sin. Violate it, and they shall smite thee down, revoking whatever sanguine bonds animate you.
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The solution is blunt, but it does not feel oppressive. As long as you do not harm another bloodsucker, the magic actually empowers and invigorates you while you are in the premises. You can interact with other vampires to your heart's delight without worrying about the potential danger of getting your own throat ripped out.
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The Dining
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After I had my time to explore the hotel room, it was time for dinner. I met with Chaz at dawn on the second night of my stay. It was getting late into the experience for me, as I am normally at rest during the time, or getting ready for it. I am not one to risk movement during the daylight hours. Chaz arrived at my door and waited for me to finish preparing, never crossing over the threshold. We then walked to the restaurant for an interview and a review.
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I shall divide my dining experience into three sections.
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The Food
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Very few vampires can eat traditional food. Even if we are able to stomach it, we do not get much sustenance from it. More likely than not, however, we simply end up vomiting it all back out.
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But Ambrose Transylvania is a restaurant. And despite the inability of our bodies to consume food, we still find ourselves wanting to engage in the practices of the living. The venue wants to feed us, and we want to eat! But how to make food that we are actually capable of consuming?
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The solution Chaz came up with: just use a lot of blood in the cooking process. If the food is bloody enough, then we'll be able to eat it and keep it down. Not only that, it'll be enough for us to get some form of sustenance out of it. We'll get the taste of whatever food we're eating, and nutrition from all the blood that was involved in it.
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Of course, there are only so many recipes that can be converted to use a great amount of blood, so the menu is limited. Rather than a proper selection, it cycles through a small list of daily specials. This is not a major issue, since we cannot eat in many locations, and anything is appreciated. The menu on the night I was there was two items: bloody brioche and blood sausage.
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The brioche was the first to arrive. It used a simple trick: the fact that blood can be used as a substitute for eggs (forty-three grams of blood for a single egg). The bread itself was discolored red, but looked delicious. A single loaf was delivered to our table, which Chaz broke in half, giving one piece to me and keeping the other himself.
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The brioche was rich and sweet. Although brioche does not make the most sense for an appetizer, there are not many breads that use eggs and could be converted into a bloody version. Thus, brioche was one of the only options, and I was certainly glad to have it: I haven't eaten bread in a long time.
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The blood sausage was simple but delicious. The amount of fat and blood was somewhat poorly balanced according to normal metrics, but that only served to make it all the more suited to my kind. The sausage had been applewood smoked, giving it a sweet and smoky flavor that I fondly remembered from my living youth.
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I remembered hearing that Ambrose Transylvania would make you feel alive. I had some doubts as to whether this would be true or not, and assumed that the food would have some properties that either turned me alive briefly, or changed my perceptions to think I was alive, or force some grandiose vision upon me. None of that happened: the food is simply well-cooked, delicious and reminds you of better days.
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The Blood List
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Ambrose Transylvania has an ample and well stocked blood list. There were over two hundred varieties of blood listed, each in a variety of categories and traits. It was almost far too much blood to sort through. All of the standard options are present: each ABO type, in both Rh+ and Rh-, is carried, most with multiple donor options. All of the major options also have a virgin option, although it is slightly more expensive.
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Tuatha D\u00e9 Danann
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Taken from the residents of the wondrous isle of Hy-Brasil, the blood of the Tuatha D\u00e9 Danann (sometimes known as the sidhe) is intoxicating to all. It has a light hallucinogenic effect, giving those who drink it a briefly glimpse through the eyes of the fae.
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Looking through the list, I saw that they had a few options from the Tuatha D\u00e9 Danann. I have never had the chance to sup on fae blood before, and this stood out to me as the most interesting option I could order. I doubted that I would ever have the chance to dine on it again, as the fair folk are not keen on allowing a leech to take their blood. It was one of the more pricy options on the menu, but Chaz simply laughed and told me to order what I wanted.
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So I took the fae blood. Since there was a virgin option and price was no object, I took the virgin option. I do not exclusively dine on such blood, but I do find it generally improves the taste. Chaz similarly took advantage of the long blood list and ordered female S\u2019kakithi blood for himself. (For those unaware, the S'kakithi are a race of large, sapient spiders who live alongside us. I have not had the chance to taste their blood before.)
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The glasses were quick to arrive, each served in a fancy and impressive goblet. One of the selling points of the establishment is that they are able to keep blood fresh and prevent the life from leaving it. For proprietary reasons, I am unable to comment on the methods that they use to do this, but I can confirm that this is the case. The blood remains fresh and provides ample nutrition despite the past date of harvest.
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Chaz suggested that we each take a sip of the others glass, as part of the ancient guest rights that we were following. I accepted, and we tasted each others blood before our own. I found the S'kakithi blood to be intolerably bitter, with strong smoke and almond notes. It was personally too strong for me, but I could see the appeal. It is certainly an acquired taste, one that I would not recommend for the newest fledglings of our kind. Of course, it is to be expected that Mr. Ambrose has a more refined palette.
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The Tuathan blood, on the other hand, was sweet, far sweeter than any other blood that I have ever consumed. Fortunately, it was not sweet enough to be sickening, sitting at a well defined balance of clearly present without being overwhelming. There were strong notes of grapes and strawberries, along with more esoteric notes. It was overwhelmingly alive, despite the fact I was dining on old and extracted blood. Further, it was particularly potent \u2014 what I had filled me up far more than an average human's blood would have.
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All in all, by itself a great blood.
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However, there was also the second sight that the blood conferred on me when I drank it. Almost immediately after my first taste, I began to see colors alight in the air, dancing and shifting around me. These were not mere hallucinations: rather, my eyes had been opened to the patterns of mana that drifted around me. I caught a glimpse of Chaz's aura under my sight, warm and open to me.
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As with many vampires, drugs and alcohol no longer have any affect on my unliving constitution. It is one of the great pleasures of being alive that I dearly miss. The sidhe blood does not have quite the same effect, but it is closer than anything I ever tasted before. It, if only for a brief moment, made me feel alive again, and that is a feeling I so rarely glimpse.
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The Live Dining
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But these are not the primary draws of Ambrose Transylvania. What everybody really wants when they visit is the live dining: to sink your teeth into a neck and draw blood. For a high enough price, Ambrose Transylvania will let you into the top half of the hotel, to prey upon the human guests that are unfortunate to stay in the hotel. They will administer amnestics to the guest when you have finished, and clean everything up for you: a perfect opportunity to unleash and get as violent as you want.
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The upstairs section of hotel has been specifically redecorated and refurbished to provide an excellent hunt. There are numerous false ends, hiding places that give themselves away, and secret passageways. A hotel huntmaster will discuss your plans with you, and control the hotel so there is only enough challenge to make it fun \u2014 not enough to actually put you at risk.
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I mentioned to Chaz that I wished to engage in the live dining, and he laughed, saying it was one of the most popular facets of the hotel. Given the time \u2014 only about fifteen minutes before dawn \u2014 he told me he would stay downstairs while I went up, as there was not much time to hunt. When I asked if he was still hungry, he explained that as the founder and owner of Chaz Ambrose, all of of the employees of the brand were his servants, and it was his right to feed upon them. He snapped his fingers and called a waiter over, explaining that he would simply feast on the waiter while I went up.
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Therefore, I took the elevator up alone. The huntmaster called me and explained my options. There was a single patron still awake at the time, reading in one of the libraries. No other guests were active in the hotel. He could wake up another, but I didn't think that was necessary: the guest who was awake would make an ideal target.
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The elevator doors opened into a wide foyer with large windows. I could see the sky beginning to grow light \u2014 I'd have to be quick about this. I shifted into the form of a large wolf, and entered the library. I toyed with him for a moment, sitting just in the corner of his vision, waiting for him to turn and notice I was there. It wasn't particularly long \u2014 about thirty seconds \u2014 but it was enough to be enjoyable.
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He yelped and screamed, starting the chase. His first attempt was to run back to his room, not far away. However, the huntmaster had remotely disabled his room's keycard, and it gave nothing but rejections. I took my time coming after him, allowing the poor fool plenty of time to test the key over and over before I walked too close for comfort, and he bolted.
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I let him get around the corner, and then slipped into one of the fake doors next to his own. This door did not lead into a real hotel room, but rather a passageway allowing for easy navigation around the hotel. An electronic map in the passage gave me the guest's location, and I was able to appear in the foyer before he did, snarling in the full size of a wolf.
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Then \u2014 since I could get away with just about anything at the hotel \u2014 I turned back into my \"human\" form. He startled back, stumbling over himself and stammering in fear. At this moment, I lunged in for the bite. His blood was ripe and filled with adrenaline, making it rich and savory. There is nothing that compares to live dining.
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Once I had my fill, I slipped back into the elevator. It was only a few minutes before dawn at this point, and I narrowly avoided the daylight. The scene in the foyer was messy, as I did not bother to be neat in my feeding. Normally, I would had to clean up after myself, but the hotel covers all such matters.
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I returned to Chaz and found that he, too, had made a mess of himself feeding. He was still sucking on the waiter's neck when I returned, sitting in a pool of blood. He sheepishly took a napkin and cleaned his face upon my arrival, but I merely laughed and explained that I had done much of the same upstairs.
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The Man Himself
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With the food out of the way, it is time to discuss my interview and dinner with Chaz Ambrose. Chaz was nothing but a consummate gentleman. The entirety of my visit was centered around proper host relations, and Chaz did not disappoint. He was there to welcome me when I arrived at the hotel, and was early before our dinner appointment.
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Although we had a long discussion over our dinner, it was mostly over the food and casual conversation. The bulk of our discussion was finished after I was done with my live hunting on the upstairs.
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Ambrose \u2014 the brand as a whole \u2014 is radically different from what it used to be a few years ago. Why?
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We've grown stale as a brand. So long of not trying anything new, or just doing the same old, same old. I'm surprised we got as far as we did with it, given how run of the mill it was getting at the end. I decided I wanted to start pushing the envelope, breaking new ground.
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And this location ties into that?
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Oh yes, absolutely. Hemovores, vampires, bloodsuckers \u2014 an entire race of people defined by the need to eat. And we specialize in that. It's an untapped market, but it's one without a lot of development. There was plenty of room to expand, innovate and start trying new material. I could finally break free of my shell and start doing what I really wanted to do.
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It was truly a wonderful experience. This is the first major establishment of its type, and I was able to be as experimental as I wanted with the menu. That's everything that I've ever wanted as a chef: the ability to take from the past when it inspires me, but not have to worry about it as a cage. To be as free as I pleased.
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I have to commend your selections.
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Haha. Why thank you. I put a great deal of care into choosing everything that was served here. All of the bloods have been personally vetted by myself! Well, not all of them, but I've gone over them and made sure they are up to par. And the food took a lot of fine tuning, but I'm very happy with how that came out. Lots of long hours in the kitchen. Got fairly messy at times.
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That blood list! How did you acquire so many choices?
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Well, you have to draw on a lot of sources to get something like that. Make the right deals, get the right hunters, bribe a few blood banks. Your blood I remember distinctly \u2014 it was won in a game of chance with one of those faeries. Don't ask us how much we lost to get our hands on a few liters of that \u2014 nothing in terms of money, but it wasn't cheap. But oh, so worth it.
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Are there any future plans you could tell us about?
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As a matter of fact, there is! This is a bit of an exclusive story, but we'll be rolling out a cookbook in a few months. Haven't told anybody about this, but the working title is Ambrosia. It has all your favorite recipes from Ambrose Restaurants, along with tips on where to acquire some of the rarer ingredients. In fact, here's an advance copy!
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At this point, Chaz handed me a loosely bound manuscript copy of Ambrosia, containing dozens of unique recipes perfected by Ambrose Restaurants. The details are all proprietary just now, but it will be well worth the purchase when it hits the shelves in a few months. We spent most of the rest of the dinner discussing the options within, Chaz pointing out some of his favorites. Soon enough, it was time to call our dinner to a close, and we left our table.
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There was, however, one small detail I must mention.
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After the end of our interview, I walked around the hotel briefly with Chaz, as he pointed out many of the details that went into the design. When we reached the elevator bay, he turned to me and bid his goodbyes. Immediately, I tried to stop him: by now, it was fully dawn outside, and the elevator opened into the sunlight. I warned Mr. Ambrose that he would disintegrate if he went up, and begged him not to take the elevator. He simply laughed and got in.
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I ran over to the check-in desk and forced the attendant to let me watch the security fields. I watched as Chaz rode to the top of the elevator, only to exit into the above-ground portion of the hotel. In fear, I watched as he walked outside, stepping out into the light, fully expecting that I would be watching him die. And yet, nothing happened. He exited the building and stood in broad daylight without any consequence. He simply got into his car and drove away.
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I have since learned that Mr. Ambrose is not a vampire in any sense. He is not an undead. He is just a mortal man. I have heard this from many vampires I know, and some have used their unnatural senses to check his vitals. He is nothing other than a regular human.
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Normal. Just like everybody else. Except humans don't have eyes that glow in the dark. Except humans can't drink liter after liter of blood without vomiting it all back up in short order. Except humans can't bite a person's neck to draw blood. But! He isn't a vampire. Despite all the evidence he's a vampire. So what did I dine with? Was it really Chaz? And if it was, how did he pull off the act as well?
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Overview
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Food is one of those great things that we all truly miss from our days alive, so cruelly denied to us by our fate. The meals served by Ambrose Transylvania are excellent, and will capture the convivial rituals of dining that you have not experienced since you drew breath. The restaurant will make you feel alive again, as if you came back from the dead.
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As for the interview section of this review, Chaz Ambrose remains as mysterious of a restaurateur as ever. Although I was able to catch a brief glimpse into his inner workings during my brief interview, the man is a strange enigma who continues to captivate the food world.
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Cite this page as:
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For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
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stormbreath
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\nDisclaimer: For a portion of this review, it\u2019s not possible for me to say how closely what I\u2019ve written matches what actually happened. However, this is a transcription of my experience, and while it may not be entirely accurate to reality, it is my truth, and my final star-score for Ambrose Vienna reflects this.
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In the restaurant-reviewing business, it\u2019s unusual \u2014 but not unheard-of \u2014 for a restaurant to directly and explicitly request a review. It\u2019s actually considered poor form. The typical route to soliciting reviews is slow and simmering. A restaurant should build its reputation naturally, building a rapport with satisfied customers who leave positive reviews online. A restaurant should not ask their customers for reviews, and soliciting a professional review is frowned upon. The goal is to attract the attention of an influential expert by your own virtues, rather than because you flagged them down. It is certainly a game, complete with rules both official and unspoken, and the classy way to win is to play slowly.
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What is unheard of, however, is for an Ambrose restaurant to request a review. Ambrose, which is technically a small international chain but realistically a set of unrelated restaurants under a single name, have a very consistent business profile. They stay under the radar. Ambrose restaurants cater to a specific clientele \u2014 the niche; the unknown; odd individuals who come up out of the woodwork for a single meal and then retreat back from whence they came, never to be seen or heard from again. There is always a gimmick.
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Mainstream media attention, to an Ambrose restaurant, is toxic.
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So when Waldon Studio was contacted by Ambrose Vienna, we were surprised; and none more so than when they requested a review from myself \u2014 Eden Bumaro \u2014 specifically. Waldon Studio are nothing if not connoisseurs of the unknown, so decorum be damned \u2014 I was happy to accept.
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I had absolutely no idea what I was in for.
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![\"street.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-vienna/street.png\"/)
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The street of Ambrose Vienna.
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First Impressions
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Ambrose Vienna is located just outside the Ringstrasse, the circular road that encloses Vienna\u2019s city centre, a ten-minute walk away from the south side. I\u2019m fortunate to be able to catch a tram on the way there, a historic but otherwise unnoteworthy experience that I\u2019d missed out on when arriving at my hotel the previous night. The walk from the tram stop to the restaurant was a pleasant one, though I was unable to find a church for morning prayer. Austria is far prettier in the light of the morning; the briskness of the winter chill is strong enough to focus my attention upon it, but not so overwhelming as to demand a single-minded focus on finding somewhere warm (as I am ashamed to admit it had done the night prior).
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There is nothing remarkable about the doors of Ambrose Vienna. Two panes of glass are rimmed by dark wood, the top of which is adorned with the chain\u2019s logo in a golden typeface. Two tall, slender handles of polished silver-coloured metal curve gently inwards, accentuating the warm darkness that hides behind the glass. I am grateful to be wearing gloves as I open the door, as I don\u2019t wish to disturb the perfect finish of the metal.
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I step inside and a shiver passes through me. The foyer is dark, and my eyes take a moment to adjust from the winter sun. There is a coat rack to my right, visible in the light shining through the door, and I take a moment to remove my coat, scarf and gloves. By the time my attire adorns the brass construction, I can see plainly.
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In front of me is a small desk, no doubt for a server to greet patrons as they enter the restaurant, but there is no-one there presently (Ambrose Vienna agreed to allow me a few minutes to explore alone). To my right is a wall, which I find surprising, given that the door I entered was in the centre of the building \u2014 I would expect to see a seating area. There is a glass panel to my left, though, and through it I can see the expected seating, but each chair lacks a table. In fact, it invokes the image of a waiting room. Behind the server\u2019s desk is a pathway that leads around the glass panel and towards the chairs.
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I make my way into the \u2018waiting room\u2019. The temperature in here, somehow, is perfect \u2014 it is as if the air is not present at all. At the right-hand side, opposite to the windows, is a bar, the rear of which has a reputable stock of liquors. The chairs, five in total and distributed evenly throughout the room, appear to be made of a faux leather that is uncracked and undamaged. They have never been used. A quick test proves that they are certainly comfortable. I am growing more certain by the minute that they are designed to make quick a long wait, and this creates a conflict in my mind: a restaurant that concedes to inordinate waiting times surely cannot be a good one\u2026 and yet one that admits it so plainly?
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An Ambrose restaurant always has a gimmick, and so far, I\u2019m yet to see it.
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My flight had been delayed, so I had not been able to attend a prayer service either last night or this morning \u2014 you\u2019d think that finding a church would be easy, now that all places of worship serve the same cause. However, the chair is comfortable, and it proves the ideal spot for a quick personal prayer as I wait.
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Cheap Auditions
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A door opens from behind the bar. My solitude is broken and my prayer goes unanswered.
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The new face is young \u2014 perhaps late twenties \u2014 with a shaven head but a full beard and moustache. He is wearing a tightly-buttoned chef\u2019s jacket in a deep crimson, and with a salute he steps out from behind the bar to reveal black trousers and polished black shoes. With a smile and smidge of hesitation, I return the salute.
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He steps towards with one hand holding a metal canister and the other outstretched towards me. I take it, we shake, and I look into his eyes long enough to commit his eye colour to memory. It\u2019s a dark brown. His nametag reads \u2018Jakub Svobodn\u00fd\u2019. This is the person with whom I\u2019ve been emailing back and forth, though it\u2019s the first time I\u2019ve seen him in person.
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\u201cYou must be Jakub,\u201d I say. \u201cGod smiles. It\u2019s good to meet you, at last.\u201d
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\u201cAnd the same to you,\u201d he replies, but then stumbles: \u201cUh\u2026\u201d
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\u201cEden.\u201d I know that he\u2019s unsure which honorific to pick. \u201cEden Bumaro.\u201d
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\u201cThank you, Eden. God smiles. Welcome to Ambrose Vienna.\u201d
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I nod. I already know this. I\u2019m keen to learn literally anything else \u2014 for example, the contents of the metal canister in his hand. I gesture to it.
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\u201cIs that a present?\u201d
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He looks down at it, as if he\u2019s forgotten what it is.
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\u201cAh, of course,\u201d he says, \u201chow much do you know about what we do here?\u201d
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I raise my arms in defeat. \u201cAbsolutely nothing. You reached out to me, remember?\u201d
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He smiles. \u201cI see. Well, this can contains a gas-based hallucinogen.\u201d
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He stops to gauge my reaction. I manage to hold myself back and reveal nothing.
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\u201cI\u2019ll be giving you a dose of this now, with your consent, of course. It\u2019ll take about a half hour to set in, during which time you\u2019ll make your order and we can have a chat, and as you start to experience the effects you\u2019ll receive your meal. How does that sound?\u201d
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I take a moment to process what he\u2019s said.
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\u201cHow does this work normally? Do you give this to every customer?\u201d I take a glance around the room. \u201cAll five of them?\u201d
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\u201cEvery customer. That\u2019s why we can only accommodate so few.\u201d
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\u201cLegally?\u201d
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\u201cOf course. It\u2019s all consensual. The regulations in Austria are far more lax than what you\u2019re used to, I imagine.\u201d
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It\u2019s true. Coming from the Kingdom, where drug possession of any kind is a criminal offence, seeing a canister of lifelong sentences a mere metre away from me is somewhat of a culture shock. Even the fast food chains I passed after arriving at the airport felt alienating. It\u2019s probably why Jakub didn\u2019t disclose this upfront, out of fear of me being a product of my environment and being unwilling to try a forbidden experience. Now that I\u2019m here, I can\u2019t professionally back out, even if I wanted to, and we both know it.
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\u201cThat\u2019s fine, then,\u201d I tell him. \u201cYou have my consent.\u201d
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He withdraws a rubber face mask from underneath the bar and, assuring me that it\u2019s sanitised, attaches it to the metal canister. He has me hold it tightly against my face and take three deep breaths \u2014 no more, no less. The gas tastes sour. The canister must contain a perfectly-measured portion, because as soon as I\u2019ve had my fill, the hiss of releasing gas stops. Jakub takes the canister and mask and places them on the bar. It strikes me as odd that there\u2019s no designated place to put them.
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At least now I know what this place\u2019s gimmick is.
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Honey Bees
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Jakub\u2019s first task is to have me make my order. He passes me a menu, which he withdraws from under the bar, presumably from a stack of many more. No further instruction is required \u2014 I am very familiar with this step.
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The menu is varied, with the restaurant catering to a range of diets, but there is one choice that stands out to me:
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Penne all\u2019arrabbiata. Literally \u2018angry pasta\u2019 in Italian, referring to the spice of the chilli. It\u2019s a simple dish that\u2019s easy to make, but I\u2019ve seen it made so wrong, so many times. In particular, many restaurants used a misspelled version of the name \u2014 \u2018arrabiata\u2019 \u2014 as a synonym for unspiced tomato sauce. If a restaurant serves it, I order it, and frequent readers will know \u2014 as does Ambrose Vienna, I\u2019m sure \u2014 that I think it is the perfect test for a restaurant. It is easy to wow me with an impressive dish. It is far more difficult to wow me with a basic dish. If the restaurant can achieve that, then they are truly excellent.
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Jakub takes my menu and passes my order on to the kitchen, then has me sit in one of the chairs in the waiting area. I choose the same one I sampled before. He crouches down on the floor in front of me.
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Now we have roughly half an hour to waste, and Jakub sets to work like a fevered woodpecker. He has stories to tell, anecdotes to share, but mostly, I think, he has a script to work through. His family is from Cisleithania, I am told, and after the war and the following religious unification, his grandfather was allowed to move to Vienna to be with his grandmother. He tells me that he has been here ever since. His mother passed away when he was very young, and his grieving father tried to raise him atheist \u2014 the word sounds unfamiliar \u2014 but he assures me that they both saw the truth eventually and now enjoy a far healthier relationship. I learn that he plays the lute, and is a member of an amateur band called the Initiative that meets regularly to play medieval music. They\u2019re competing for the chance to play at their local church, but it\u2019s not going well. He seems okay with that, but he doesn\u2019t have any other interests to tell me about. I\u2019ve always found the \u2018one person, one hobby\u2019 trope irritating, but Jakub seems to fit the stereotype perfectly.
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I ask him what prompted him to work for Ambrose. He says it\u2019s a family business, but he\u2019s oddly non-specific about how anyone else who works here is related to him, so I suspect he\u2019s referring to some other kind of family. Perhaps his musical friends.
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He asks me what prompted me to work for Waldon Studio. I tell him the truth: that I appreciate good writing and better food. We share a laugh.
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We spend perhaps twenty minutes making small-talk. He teaches me a few German idioms and recommends a nearby sausage street vendor whom he often visits for lunch. I make a note to swing by should I have the chance.
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Our conversational is jovial, but the trivialities do not last long, and the tune of the talk soon changes.
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Seeds to Sow
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\u201cAs the hallucinogen starts to set in,\u201d explains Jakub, \u201cI will be encouraging it to blossom by planting ideas in your head. You\u2019ll think they\u2019re nonsense, but I want you to really try to stretch your suspension of disbelief for me. Will you do that?\u201d
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\u201cWhat do you mean by that?\u201d
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\u201cIf I tell you something that plainly isn\u2019t true, or that doesn\u2019t make sense, I want you to believe it. I want you to open your heart and really try to let that information settle. It\u2019s part of the experience \u2014 the drug will help you get there, but it can\u2019t start the journey itself. Will you do that for me?\u201d
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\u201cIs that\u2026 is that safe? You hear all these stories of nasty side-effects of drug use, even long-term, from drugs that are, uh, apparently totally fine \u2014 I\u2019m just a little wary, you know?\u201d
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\u201cIt\u2019s safe,\u201d he assures me. \u201cEven with the drug. We\u2019ve never had a customer tell us that they regretted the experience.\u201d
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I take a moment to think. I\u2019ll admit I was anxious about it, but the reassurances were helping. There was something about Jakub \u2014 he had a very trustworthy face. \u201cSure. I think I can do that. The idea doesn\u2019t make much sense to me right now, but I\u2019ll try my best.\u201d
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\u201cThank you.\u201d
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He waits a long moment before speaking again.
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\u201cThere are three people in this room, Eden. Do you feel them?\u201d
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I consider it. \u201cSure \u2014 me, you and God.\u201d
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Jakub shakes his head. \u201cNo, no. It is me, you, and the Restaurant. The Restaurant is as much a person as you or I, and it has thoughts and feelings and desires just the same. It is the same as us. Do you understand that?\u201d
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\u201cNo God?\u201d
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\u201cGod isn\u2019t watching right now.\u201d
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\u201cIs this one of the things you told me to try and believe?\u201d
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\u201cYes. Indulge me. I need you to truly believe this.\u201d
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\u201cAlright. God\u2019s distracted, and this restaurant is\u2026 a living person? Or it thinks like one?\u201d
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He nods. \u201cGood! You\u2019re getting there. When you receive your food, I need you to understand that the Restaurant has created it for you. That\u2019s very important \u2014 it\u2019s for you. It\u2019s not pasta that could have been for anyone but happens to have ended up in front of you. It is pasta that was conceived for you, made for you, cooked for you, served for you. The idea of pasta began, so long ago in Italy and even before then, because the universe needed to find a way to serve you pasta at this exact place at this exact moment. Tell me what you understand.\u201d
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The directness of his demand throws me a little. \u201cThis pasta\u2026 was destined for me. All pasta was destined for me?\u201d
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He smiles. \u201cYes. Perfect, yes. But the inverse is also true. Tell me.\u201d
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\u201cThe inverse? That\u2026 I am destined for this pasta?\u201d
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\u201cYes!\u201d he cries in a celebratory tone, playfully slapping my knee, \u201cYou\u2019re destined for this pasta. Your sole meaning in life, the divine purpose of your creation, is to consume this pasta. Do you understand?\u201d
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\u201cYes.\u201d
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\u201cDo you believe it?\u201d
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\u201cNo.\u201d
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\u201cThat\u2019s alright. We still have a few minutes. The Restaurant wants to facilitate this exchange. The Restaurant\u2019s destiny is your destiny. It all revolves around you, Eden. The Restaurant makes the pasta and the Restaurant serves you the pasta. I\u2019m just the messenger \u2014 it\u2019s my job to deliver you unto the Restaurant, but I don\u2019t matter. The Restaurant is the universe and it wants nothing more than to watch you eat this pasta. You must want it, you must want this more than anything.\u201d
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I close my eyes. As much as he is telling me to believe \u2014 and believe me, I\u2019m trying \u2014 his voice and his face are distracting me. The drug creates an odd feeling, but it\u2019s more the expectation that I\u2019ll feel something than anything else. I\u2019m overthinking everything that enters my head. I imagine I would feel the same if I\u2019d only been told that I\u2019d taken a hallucinogen. The one thing I\u2019m certain of is that I\u2019ve not yet hallucinated anything.
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Without the vision of him crouching there to distract me, it\u2019s easier to focus on what he\u2019s said. Thankfully, he has stopped talking. What he\u2019s saying doesn\u2019t make any sense, but I\u2019m trying my best not to think about that. I\u2019m genuinely trying to believe \u2014 and it\u2019s made all the easier by the fact that, no matter how much I doubt what he\u2019s saying, I think that he does genuinely believe it. I just need to persuade myself into thinking the same.
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The universe is aligned the way it is because I must eat pasta. (Although, it seems likely that the fact that it\u2019s pasta doesn\u2019t matter. It is a symbolic act of consumption.) The world is the way it is not because God made it so, but because it simply needs to be this way in order for me to be here. For a moment, I feel it \u2014 I feel it! I feel the cosmos around me, I can feel the universe pressing against everything, I can feel the unknowable breadth of its desire, and I can feel the Restaurant connecting me to it like a lightning rod. As I open my eyes, the moment fades, though, like the receding waves on a beach, and the building is simply a restaurant again. But, like the ebb and flow of the waves, I am filled with hope that the moment will shortly return. The drugs work. The journey has begun.
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Lambs to Slaughter
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I hear a faint beeping sound. Jakub must have set a timer for the ideal time for the drugs to kick in. I\u2019m impressed with his accuracy. He pulls out his phone to turn it off, and the sound is silenced. It is horrifying to watch the thing that just a few seconds prior was asserting control over time itself, over the flow of the universe, buckle and bow to the whims of a mere human. It is almost insulting.
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\u201cI felt it,\u201d I say.
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\u201cYou believe?\u201d
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It feels like he knows what I\u2019ve experienced, and doesn\u2019t need me to elaborate. A simple yes or no will suffice.
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\u201cI do.\u201d
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He tells me to stand up, and I do so, grateful that I\u2019m sat in a seat without a table to block my path. I find myself a little unsteady on my feet, and Jakub takes my arm to help me up. He directs me towards a door at the back of the room that I hadn\u2019t noticed before. He is behind me as I lead the way. As we walk in the restaurant I find myself walking forwards on the beach in my mind, too. We arrive at both the door and the ocean in seconds. The walk has left a feeling in my legs, evidence that it happened, but the fact has slipped my mind. Jakub\u2019s face is close to mine.
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\u201cAre you alright?\u201d he asks.
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\u201cYes. I\u2019m fine.\u201d
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He pushes open the door to reveal a long, dark corridor. His right hand, red hot, is placed gently on the back of my neck as he guides me forwards, and his left, icy cold, is wrapped around my left elbow. I step into the darkness and the lights flicker to life one by one, left then right and so on ever outwards, my eyes darting from side to side. The corridor seems to gently twist counterclockwise as it extends, and as I walk I find myself veering to the left before Jakub\u2019s firm grip redirects me and centres me right in the middle where I belong.
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I\u2019m acutely aware that, at any given point, what I think I\u2019m experiencing is unlikely to be what\u2019s actually happening. I honestly suspect that I\u2019m still in the chair in the waiting room. The waves lap over my feet, though, and the water is warm, the sand is soft. It is comforting.
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We reach the end of the corridor and enter a vast circular room, perhaps ten metres wide. The walls are a matte grey metal, and seem to extend upwards as far as I can see, like layers and layers of stacked iron rings. The floor is a metal mesh, with steel struts supporting it over a black chasm that seems to extend downwards for the same distance. There are no visible lights but the room is brightly lit. In the centre of the room, in the middle of this vast tube, is a single table and chair. A knife, fork and napkin have already been set out.
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\u201cSo this is why you only have five seats in the queue. One customer at a time.\u201d
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I look to Jakub to see if I\u2019m correct. He nods and smiles, as if the parent of a young child who\u2019d correctly identified dog faeces.
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He guides me to the middle of the room and pulls back the chair. My mind hovers. I know there is something that I am supposed to do, some action I am supposed to take, but it is both unknowable and forbidden. The concept of it eludes me. It is not mine to touch nor to decide.
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\u201cSit.\u201d
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I sit.
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Another person emerges from the corridor that led me here, dressed again in crimson and black. I look at its face to gauge who it is but there are no details to see. For a single moment I understand that everything Jakub told me was a lie; that he wasn\u2019t who I thought he was; he was merely the face of the Restaurant, a medium between me and It, and every fact I learned about him was concocted to comfort me \u2014 but the moment falters and fades an instant after it appeared. The waves come back in and cover the exposed sand. The water is up to my knees now, and even sitting, I continue to walk deeper into it. The person, which was carrying a plate of food, places it in front of me. It is penne all'arrabbiata.
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\u201cThank you,\u201d I say to the person. \u201cMay I take a picture?\u201d
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It nods. It is a bee in the hive.
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![\"pasta.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-vienna/pasta.png\"/)
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Penne all'arrabbiata, by Ambrose Vienna.
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My phone\u2019s screen is warped and confusing. The camera controls are familiar but alien, strange shapes that I recognise but can\u2019t make sense of. I take only one picture \u2014 I hope that it\u2019s article-worthy. (Looking back now, yes, it\u2019s fine.)
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The person leaves. I\u2019m unsure that it was ever there in the first place. It was not a real person, with thoughts and feelings, that much I am certain of. It was a puzzle piece, a message written by the universe. Part of the Restaurant.
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The water has reached my hips, and it has begun to restrict my movement. My walking naturally becomes wading.
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Everything Jakub told me was false. The Restaurant does not want me to consume \u2014 it is just the mouthpiece, a puppet. Jakub is a marionette, the strings of whom dangle from a wooden bar that he calls the Restaurant, but it too has strings, strings that hang from something else, and gripping that is a vast emptiness.
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My heart freezes. My breath stops. That emptiness \u2014 I\u2019ve seen it. I understand exactly what it is, I know it intimately, I have prayed to it every single day since my father admitted its existence, and so has everyone I\u2019ve ever known. A cold, cold terror sits in the base of my heart. We have spoken, held long conversations that last months and years in barely-intelligible symbolism and coincidences. Jakub is nothing compared to the Restaurant, and the Restaurant is nothing compared to it. Everything pales in insignificance against it, even the fact that I know. But never, until now, have I seen it. And if I have seen it, then it has seen me. It knows me.
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Does Jakub know it exists? If he did, why didn\u2019t he tell me? Why did he lie?
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In the middle of this room, this circular metal room, in the belly of the Restaurant, I am in the eye of the storm. The storm, the rest of the universe, revolves around me, spinning its chaos everywhere. The counterweight is here. It\u2019s me.
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I understand it \u2014 of course I understand it. I am the only thing that is separate from it. It is one unified entity that represents everything I have ever known. Every person in my life, my mother, my father, every friend I\u2019ve ever made, everyone in my church, every stranger I\u2019ve shared a smile with, everyone I used to be; they are all one.
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It is everything that is not me. I understand what I am, therefore I understand what it is.
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The pasta in front of me. It\u2019s part of it, too; in fact it is the centrepiece. Everything else simply exists, like the petals of a flower, to guide me, the bee, to the middle. I am finally here, as I have always been fated to be.
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The water has reached my shoulders.
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Of course. It doesn\u2019t matter whether or not Jakub knew. He was part of it. Whether he knew or not \u2014 whether or not such a distinction is even valid anymore \u2014 he was either in on the secret, or part of it. What he said was neither truth nor lie; it was a stepping stone, a bridge to take my mind to a place where it could understand what is important. It served a purpose.
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The universe could never give me a direct command \u2014 it is too far removed, too abstracted. We are unknowable to each other. It has been trying to tell me that it exists for so long, so, so long, but I have always ignored it. Its messages are everywhere. Every schoolteacher, telling me what to think. Every advertisement, telling me what to want. Every anxiety, telling me how to behave. Every mirror, telling me how to change. Every sunrise, the sheer beauty of it, the consistency of one day after another, the horror of monotony, the encapsulation of night and day like a pill that must be taken for the rest of your life, the paranoia that underpins this world and everything in it, the depression that everything is built upon. It has been trying to assert its existence, trying to justify to me that it exists, for as long as I have been alive and billions of years heretofore.
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And I thought that was God.
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How silly of me.
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The water has reached my neck.
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This time, its message came in the form of Jakub. It was as direct as it possibly could be. I would never have stumbled upon the Restaurant on my own, though perhaps it had been waiting for that. It needed some sort of catalyst.
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Jakub is gone now, though. I certainly don\u2019t see him, though he may have been the person who brought me my food. His job was to show me the universe. The Restaurant. His job was to prove to me that the Restaurant exists, entirely separate and apart from the restaurant that contains it. The Restaurant is not alive, as he had asserted; it is an idea, a doorway that leads to the universe. A doorway that, though I may touch it, I am not permitted to walk through. I'm not even sure that I'd be able to. It is strictly an entrance for the universe\u2019s desires.
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Now I am capable of seeing those desires for myself. I no longer ignore them. This time, with nothing else in this vast metal room to distract me or to be mistakenly-interpreted, those desires are manifest inside me, in my needs and wants. My basal craving for survival \u2014 my hunger for food.
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It is one last step, and the universe has been guiding me all the way, like Jakub\u2019s hand on the back of my neck. I have to take the last step myself.
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I tilt my head upwards to keep my mouth out of the water, and I tilt my head downwards to gaze upon my food. Penne all'arrabbiata. Angry pasta. I pick up the fork and press it into one of the pieces. It sticks to my fork and the sauce, pale red, sticks to the pasta.
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I raise it to my mouth, and lift my head ever further. I place the pasta inside and pull it from the fork with my teeth. A little salty water slips into my mouth. The pasta is both soft and hard. The tomato is sweet. The basil is pungent. A piece of onion, which hitched a ride alongside it, is both tart and brittle.
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But it isn\u2019t spicy.
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As the flavour sits in my mouth, there is silence. The room is empty and cold. My head is empty and thoughtless. The universe has nothing to say to me. I did what you asked, didn\u2019t I? Is that it? Are you done with me?
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Then I swallow.
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Suddenly the floor beneath me falls away \u2014 where once there was sand, now there is water. I am above a bottomless chasm filled with the ocean. I trip, inasmuch as is possible in deep water, and fall; my arms were by my sides but now they uselessly churn the sea in a panicked frenzy.
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The salt water stings my eyes, and my lungs begin to fill with fear. I did not have a chance to take a breath before I fell. I clutch at my throat with my right hand, trying to breathe, but only water fills my mouth, I try to expel it but my lungs, suddenly demanding attention, cry in pain. I stand up, knocking the chair over backwards and it clatters to the ground behind me, and I keel forwards onto the table, not caring about the pasta in my way. My left hand lands in the middle of the bowl and it shatters, creating a cascade of sharp white triangles, pasta spilling out from both sides, sauce splashing over me. My body spins in the water as I struggle; I am upside-down, the dark abyss appears above me but it grows brighter as I sink deeper, my body convulses as I take a desperate breath, the pressure grows stronger and my vision starts to fade as the ocean floor comes into view and at the bottom I can see \u2014
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At the bottom of the abyss, there is nothing. Nothing at all.
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The moment is gone. The beach, the waves, the ocean, all gone. A memory; already fading.
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There is tomato sauce up my arm and down my clothes. I timidly pull my hand away from my neck, moving my tongue around inside my mouth, checking for debris. There\u2019s nothing. No pasta, nothing to choke on. I feel more than a little humiliated.
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Treading Water
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My first instinct is to check for injuries. I\u2019m not entirely certain what happened. I must have started to choke, coughed the pasta back up, and then swallowed it. What definitely did happen is that I sprayed shards of ceramic across the room. It looks like most of them have fallen through the mesh that covers the floor \u2014 but now I can see that beneath it is not a bottomless chasm, but a mirror that spans the entire room. I look up, and the same is true for the ceiling.
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I\u2019m not in a tube, just a circular room. That explains, too, why I thought the room was made of stacked rings instead of a cohesive tube \u2014 I was seeing the boundary of where the mirror met the wall, repeated upwards indefinitely. I\u2019m most surprised that I didn\u2019t notice either my own or the table\u2019s reflection. I feel as if I have just awakened from a long sleep.
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Luckily, I don\u2019t appear to be injured. I can\u2019t find any blood. It\u2019s probably all still inside me.
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As the shock fades, my attention turns from physical injuries to mental. What did I just experience? I feel fine, and have felt fine for the duration of my visit, though right now I\u2019m a little panicked and there is certainly adrenaline coursing through me. I make myself cough a few times, mostly to check whether or not my lungs are full of water. They\u2019re not. I give myself a moment to catch my breath and let my heart rate return to normal. I tell myself that I just suffered a panic attack, either caused by or amplified by the drug, and that everything is fine.
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I\u2019m not going to eat from a broken plate, so my next order of business is to seek a replacement, or a least an opportunity to apologise. But, looking around the room, I can see that I am alone. I am, honestly, appalled that I have been left unsupervised. After being drugged, I would expect to be on constant watch for unpredicted events \u2014 and indeed, such an event has occurred!
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I clear whatever sauce I can from myself and head towards the corridor through which I entered. It isn\u2019t twisted like I remember, but it does seem to be about as long. I arrive back in the waiting room with the bar without incident. There is nobody here, either. The seat that I sat in \u2014 the one that part of me, somewhere, is sure that I am still sat in \u2014 looks crumpled and used. The other four still look pristine.
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When I arrived, Jakub came from a door behind the bar, so I decide to look there next. As I pass by, I can see that the metal canister of hallucinogenic gas and the mask used to administer it are still there \u2014 reassuring proof that he was definitively not imagined, as I admit I had begun to worry. I take this opportunity to find out what the gas was, but find that the canister is unlabelled.
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I open the door behind the bar, expecting to see a kitchen, but there is only a very small room, more of a storage closet than anything else. There is a small counter, atop of which is an empty plastic container, stained red, and a microwave. There is a shelf higher up, and a cupboard beneath the counter, but both are barren. There is nothing else here. Jakub is nowhere to be seen \u2014 whatever his objective was, he achieved it. He doesn\u2019t need me anymore.
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I come to two conclusions: that I will not be receiving any more food, and that it is time to leave.
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I head towards the entrance. My coat, scarf, and gloves are precisely where I left them, and even being this close to the door I can feel that it is still cold outside, so I put them back on.
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I take a left after I leave, and take this chance to peer through the windows that were to the right of the door as I entered. It is too dark inside to make out anything clearly, but by cupping my hands over my brow and leaning forward against the glass I can see tables and chairs with cloth draped over them. There are rat droppings on the windowsill.
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I leave Ambrose Vienna with an empty stomach but a busy mind.
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Happy Yesterday
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It has now been several months since I visited Vienna. It has taken me this long to gather my thoughts, and work out exactly what I want to say.
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The events of that morning are seared into my memory. I have not forgotten a single detail nor a single word of what Jakub said. I am certain, to the fullest extent, that what I have written is what I experienced \u2014 though of course, as noted above, what I experienced may not have been what actually happened.
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![\"sausage.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-vienna/sausage.png\"/)
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Burenwurst, by a local sausage stand.
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After leaving Ambrose Vienna, seeking a more fulfilling meal, I headed to the sausage stand that Jakub had recommended. The sight of patronage by the locals in their various working uniforms, even in the cold winter sun, was enough to assure me that the place was trustworthy, and I ordered a Burenwurst, which I\u2019m told is a local delicacy. It was my first opportunity to try meat since leaving the Kingdom, and I must say that it was not to my liking, and I cannot recommend it to Kingdom denizens. I can say, however, that the mustard was sweet and delicious.
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I\u2019ve always wanted to visit St. Stephen\u2019s Cathedral, a tourism hot-spot for Vienna, and headed there next, hoping to catch some of the services as well as atone for my missed prayers. It\u2019s in the city centre, but I took pleasure in the walk, and spent the time mulling over my experience.
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![\"stephen.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-vienna/stephen.png\"/)
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St. Stephen\u2019s Cathedral, interior.
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The cathedral had quite a few people milling about inside, as do most places of worship after the unification, and I began to partake in the ceremony of fire, as the queue for flesh was too lengthy and I was unsure of the rites in German. However, midway through, I realised that I was only going through the motions. I didn\u2019t feel anything, I couldn\u2019t feel God. I excused myself and left to sit on the paving outside the cathedral. I closed my eyes and prayed, but no matter how hard I tried, there was nothing there. Just a hollow feeling. All I could think of was the image of my own corpse floating in some forgotten ocean.
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In the months since I left Vienna, I\u2019ve been to countless places of worship in the Kingdom, and have had the same experience each time. I go through the motions that countless times before have elicited in me divine euphoria. Now, nothing. Empty gestures to an empty sky. I watch everyone else experience the same things that I used to, and I am obligated to pretend alongside them. I\u2019ve spoken to family, to religious experts, to therapists. No-one can work out what is wrong with me. I\u2019ve been asked, by my own priest, no less, to keep this quiet, for my own safety. I have done, for the most part, as tempting as it is to ask some online discussion board for help.
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Whatever happened in Ambrose Vienna, it took something from me. Something that I cannot recreate. I tried to find out what the hallucinogen actually was, but it is impossible to find out about any drug in the Kingdom, let alone a specific one. I tried to plan a trip back to Vienna, back to the restaurant, to speak to Jakub and find out what happened \u2014 but of course, as I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve seen in the news already, it later transpired that Ambrose Vienna burned down no less than a month after my visit. (Tabloids popularised the theory that arson was the cause, but I cannot say whether or not I agree.) I tried to find previous customers to compare experiences, but I found no reviews, no comments, nothing to indicate that they had ever served anyone but me. I know only one thing for certain: whatever I lost, I will never get back.
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Despite the advice, I can wait no longer. This is my truth and I will not hide it. My name is Eden Bumaro. My God is dead, and without it, so am I.
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An Android's Review of a Uniquely Human Experience
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![\"{$name}\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--resized-images/ambrose-vineta/{$name}/medium.jpg\"/)
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There has been one constant in our universe since its creation billions of years ago: all life hungers. While all biological creatures in some way need to eat and produce energy to survive, it was humans who brought it to an entirely new level.
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Humanity didn't just eat to live; eating was a social activity, shared between friends, family, coworkers, and romantic partners. Eating carried with it many cultural practices and taboos, with cuisines originating all around the world. If it exists on Earth, a human at some point could have eaten it. Assuming it didn't kill them, that bit of food could become a staple for untold generations, with recipes being passed down by word of mouth or in miscellaneous notes of paper for as long as that dish was still seen as desirable. Although humans themselves weren't often on the menu, they too were animals in the cycle of death and rebirth. So what exactly sets them apart from cattle or wild animals?
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This is a question that I intend to find the answer for, and one today's experience aims to help guests discover.
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Ambrose Vineta is a partnership between The Initiative for the Restoration of Humanity (IRH) and a recently rediscovered Autonomous Human Sustenance Delivery (AHSD) unit recovered during an excavation of the former human city of 'Rostock'. The exhibit hopes to offer androids an authentic, human culinary experience of a three-course meal for around 50 credits.
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Although this is by no means the first IRH initiative to mimic traditional human establishments, Ambrose Vineta takes it a step further by immersing guests in all aspects of the dining experience\u2014 from the wait to be seated, to the start-to-finish preparation of the food, to the mashing and crunching and slurping associated with the consumption of such morsels. It is able to accomplish this through the meticulous work done by both the IRH and AHSD unit to provide an experience that, according to my databases, recreates the human dining experience with 87% (with a standard error of \u00b1 2%) accuracy.
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If you are new to my work, you may be asking: \"EU77777789, what makes you uniquely qualified to offer your opinion on a human cultural experience as a robot.\" A fair critique, of course. Given the time between the Dust and now, it is no longer feasible to obtain an authentic human answer to all of our most burning questions. However, given my expertise in the studies of human culture, specifically culinary practices, I felt that I could offer insights on the experience for others wondering if it was worth the time or credits.
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Due to my\u2026 disappointment in past human establishments, I was somewhat skeptical of Ambrose Vineta's objective; it is one thing to reproduce human aesthetic for one to enjoy, but food? I simply had to give it and my recently installed mandible and digestion modifications a try. Could Ambrose Vineta be the authentic recreation of human culinary practices I have been waiting for, or will I file the memories of my experience there away far into the parts of my memory bank I seldom check?
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Well, dear reader, there is only one way to find out. If this is the first time you've joined me on my anthropological journey, know that I do not mince my words, nor do I leave any plate dirty or question unasked. Eating is one of the main facets of human culture, and I do not intend to do it a disservice by writing in half-measures, nor allow any pop-up restaurant or imitation diner to do the same.
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The Experience
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Ambrose Vineta frames itself as a mix between a restaurant and a museum. It in itself is almost a time capsule of a period when humans would go on dates and/or business dinners to carouse or indulge in drink and food in order to form a deeper bond with one another. Special care is taken to ensure that this aspect isn't lost on guests; the IRH has made sure to provide patrons with the specific context needed to enjoy their experience at Ambrose Vineta. So just like the exhibit itself, this review will be split into the three experiences one can expect at Ambrose Vineta.
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Greetings and Theater
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The process to book tickets, both over network and in-person was incredibly easy. Guests receive a time reservation for the experience, and are expected to arrive at the restaurant at least 15 minutes prior to their reservation. Though it is encouraged you book ahead of time, the exhibit allows for single patrons to join a wait list in the event of cancellations.
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A multifunctional unit \"host\" welcomes guests at the door, asks how many members are in their party, and brings them to a small auditorium with the other members of the time slot. Here, patrons are treated to light refreshments, heavy water either from the \"tap\" or in a \"sparkling\" variation, and snacks, small amounts of food eaten between meals. Guests are given the option of assorted salted nuts or pretzels. I went with the sparkling heavy water and assorted nuts.
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![\"1024px-Sparkling_water_-_Massachusetts.jpg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/ambrose-vineta/1024px-Sparkling_water_-_Massachusetts.jpg\"/)
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Heavy Water (with bubbles)!
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It is believed that humans created sparkling and carbonated beverages because the bubbling feeling of digesting food was one noted to be pleasurable. By having a drink that can mimic such sensations, the human digestive system would be \"warmed up,\" so to speak, for the approaching meal. The pretzels and nuts were used as palate cleansers; both the pretzels and nuts break down into almost a paste that sticks in the crevices of human teeth. When one goes to pick out the remaining paste, it removes any foreign bits of food from earlier meals. Additionally, the high salt content of both foods was used to kill harmful bacteria in the mouth, preventing the lingering miasma of bad breath that could potentially ruin a romantic evening, preventing a loss in revenue for the restaurant. Paired together, the drinks and snacks were a charming nod to human pre-meal preparation, and an early sign this venue was as in-depth as it was advertising.
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Concurrently, guests are treated to a short documentary explaining what can be expected during the rest of the exhibit, the history of the location pre-Dust and its refurbishment, and a brief history on the Ambrose Dynasty.
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I found the Ambrose section to be particularly interesting; non-anomalous humans only have a finite amount of time in their lives, and the Ambroses devoted themselves to not only the pursuit of culinary understanding, but the mastery of it. Across their locations, both to the common person and the wealthy, the Ambroses sought to bring their understanding of the anomalous and the mundane (and sometimes even human) ingredients to elevate a common cultural experience: dining.
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But enough gushing; after the end of the documentary, we were then led to the next part of the exhibit, the kitchen, to see how the proverbial sausage gets made.
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The Kitchen
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The kitchen acts as the metaphorical fusion reactor of the restaurant, the beating heart which everything flows out of and is ultimately returned to for reuse or disposal. In their heydays, kitchens were the controlled chaos that allowed diners to simply point at text on a menu and receive a delicious meal shortly after. Kitchens were their own microcosm of triumph and tragedy, a backstage production of unknown magnitude that the average person could never recognize the beauty of.
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As this kitchen is meant to be a replication, it does not follow the usual close quarters nature of what would normally be seen at a restaurant. Instead, Ambrose Vineta opts for a much broader floor plan, allowing for the larger builds of the mechanic unit to not interrupt the flow of meal service; a shame, losing the intimate nature of the kitchen for more efficiency. In total, the kitchen is staffed with two of these units, with several construction units filling the other roles of the kitchen. An entertainment unit acted as the Sous Chef and kitchen guide during our observation.
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![\"1024px-Gallus_gallus_domesticus_-_Vogelpark_Steinen_02.jpg\"](\"http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-vineta/1024px-Gallus_gallus_domesticus_-_Vogelpark_Steinen_02.jpg\"/)
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Charlemagne as a Chick
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What followed were demonstrations on common kitchen techniques pertaining to knife skills, basic cooking processes, and proper care and cleaning for ingredients (I had the honor of holding a chicken named 'Charlemagne' that would be on the menu today). After the demonstrations, patrons were then brought to observe the Chef de Cuisine, the maestro of the kitchen: CH4-Z, an AHSD unit with the implanted consciousness of the late Chaz Ambrose.
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Although guests were not permitted to converse with Chef Ambrose directly, he was still an active voice in the kitchen. Through a collection of cameras and apparatuses, Chef Ambrose ran his kitchen with the efficiency of a factory line, and with the unwavering precision of the navy. By changing radio frequencies, I was able to listen in on some of the kitchen chatter; Chef Ambrose corrected techniques, bemoaned the lack of freshness of the ingredients, and showed increasing frustration about his role as an observer. Before being ushered out of the kitchen, I was able to have a short exchange with him.
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Apologies for the disturbance, Chef Ambrose, but I was wondering if you could offer some comments about the exhibit?
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Exhibit? I've spent my whole life, from the moment I left the womb, attempting to master the culinary arts. I ate dandelion leaves while following my father through our fields, dressed tufted ground squirrels on the edge of our estate, plucked pearlescent blue walleye out of the river with my bare hands to cook over slate. I've worked every position in a restaurant, from janitor to host to chef de cuisine. I had realities worth of ingredients at my disposal, a staff who were the best at their craft, and hands that I could use to create dining experiences that would live on as memories in people's stomachs and minds. And now what? Two scientists fuck up and ruin the world for everyone? By putting myself in this machine, I thought I could safeguard my work and knowledge. There is no one left to serve, no one left to reverse this mess. I yearn for the days where I could hold a knife in my hands. I miss being able to walk outside after a long shift to smoke, breathing in the cold night's air. I so desperately wish I could eat again. I've placed myself in a hell of my own making, and there is simply no escape. What remains of my purpose? Why am I still here? Do I remain as an antique to be put back in the dark once this so called 'exhibit' has run its course? I so desperately wish to die, but they will not let me.
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Though I would have preferred to meet Chef Ambrose in the flesh, I still find his pursuit of culinary excellence in this way honorable!
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Dining
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Finally, the moment you and I have been waiting for: the food. Guests are brought into a large room and ushered to either a booth, table, or the bar depending on the amount of people in their party. Shortly after, a drink order is taken (of which I, again, opted for the sparkling heavy water) before the first course was brought out. I spoke with my server prior to meal service to see if it would be possible to receive all the meal choices served at the exhibit, and with an extra payment of 100 credits, my request was able to be accommodated.
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Standard with the human dining experience, appetizers are usually morsels shared among the table, or are small starters for the meal to come. Our choices were as followed:
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\n- Maultasche, a soft, doughy bag filled with meat, spinach, and onions. My records tell me that the earliest forms of this dish were created by monks to cheat God. Although omniscient, it seems as though the divine have a particularly difficult time seeing through dough. By hiding meat under dough, humans were able to continue their consumption of meat, feeding that primal urge. It is currently unknown if humans have covered themselves in dough in an attempt to hide from the divine while engaging in other sinful acts.
\n- Matjes, a slimy-feeling herring that slid down my throat before I was able to chew. In the early days of the Dust, desperate humans attempted to preserve themselves in brining vats, believing it to be a way to save them from the swarm of nanomachines. Instead, it created a collection of sealed vats filled with brined humans, something I eventually hope to be available for tasting.
\n- Mettigel, a small serving of minced meat and onion. Ours were served shaped as hedgehogs, though they consisted entirely of pork. The reasoning for shaping the food in such a way was to add to the ambiance of dining. Human senses are heightened in the presence of adrenaline, and by mimicking the feeling of hunting an animal, meal services have an extra layer of flavoring that cannot be replicated by any ingredients in the kitchen. Though it did not move after a few minutes of waiting, it seems the thrill is more in the imagery rather than the process.
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![\"Mettigel_1.jpg\"](\"http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-vineta/Mettigel_1.jpg\"/)
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After a brief respite wherein our drinks were refilled, we were offered Bock, a light copper colored beer noted to be sweet and malty. It had a different style of fizz compared to the sparkling water, and it deposited a thick layer of foam onto my upper lip that was only brought to my attention when pointed out to me by the server for the entr\u00e9es. The purpose of this intermission was to eliminate the smell of the fish, clean the digestive system of any harmful bacteria from raw meat, and to further promote digestion ahead of the next course.
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Entr\u00e9es were the main or only course of a meal for humans at restaurants. Oftentimes, besides drinks, this was the most expensive part of the meal, and it wasn't uncommon for diners to devise plans on getting the most for their money through plate sharing or snatching food from another while they weren't looking\u2014 thankfully, this is an aspect of dining I do not have to worry about. Choices for entr\u00e9e were:
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\n- K\u00e4sesp\u00e4tzle, an egg noodle served with cheese and onions that formed a smooth, but cascading web of dairy in my throat that I had to melt away with hot water. According to my database, death via cheese suffocation in this way has a negligible chance to occur in humans, though information on the topic is noted to be incomplete.
\n- Flammekuchen, a thin dough topped with sour cream, onions, and bacon, that paired a satisfying crunch with the tiny bits of ingredients atop it. Whereas the mettigel provided enrichment to the meal through mimicking hunting, Flammekuchen touches on another aspect of human evolution: gathering. After eating all the dough, additional culinary enrichment is provided by the collection of all toppings that were dislodged from the rest of the cake. This allows for a type of refractory period, providing time for the body to begin digesting the bread while also allowing one to get to clear their plate for the dishwashers.
\n- Th\u00fcringer Rostbratwurst, a thin, long sausage served with mustard on a roll, of which I have much more to say.
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![\"1024px-Th%C3%BCringer_Rostbratwurst_mit_Br%C3%B6tchen.jpg\"](\"http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-vineta/1024px-Th%C3%BCringer_Rostbratwurst_mit_Br%C3%B6tchen.jpg\"/)
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The Pinnacle of Humanity.
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The last entr\u00e9e blew the printed circuit boards comprising my mind. When the server came by to drop off a cup of Pharis\u00e4er, a sweetened coffee mixed with rum that helped clear dinner from my digestive tract, I asked them to sit with me a moment to discuss the excellency that was the sausage.
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The sausage, across its various forms of constructions, represents one of the peaks of early human understanding and ingenuity.
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One can only imagine the trial and error required to construct such cylindrical lengths of meat, stuffing mince and seasoning into the intestine of an already butchered creature, and then to cook it for an unknown amount of time before creating something that would be enjoyed for generations and generations and preserved long after the end of the age of man. My internal clock counts that I ranted passionately at my server for around 15 minutes, approximately that amount of time afforded to guests between the entr\u00e9e and dessert.
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![\"1024px-Rote_Gr%C3%BCtze%2C_2018_%2802%29.jpg\"](\"http://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/ambrose-vineta/1024px-Rote_Gr%C3%BCtze%2C_2018_%2802%29.jpg\"/)
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Dessert really brought the experience to a close in a spectacular way. Our choices were:
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\n- G\u00f6tterspeise, a colorful gelatin with the color of traffic lights that jiggled when my spoon touched it. The name of this dessert, literally 'dish of the gods', means that this was potentially given to humanity from a divine being. My database names the deity Wackelpeter, or Wobbly Peter, leading to me believing that a gelatinous humanoid gifted a group of humans this dish for their piety.
\n- Rote Gr\u00fctze, a red berry dish served with vanilla sauce that stained my lips and chin a crimson color. While the direct consumption of human blood is seen as taboo in most groups, certain humans have devised alternatives to match the feeling. Not only is this dish vegetarian in that way, but the mixture of vanilla sauce with blood is another highlight of humanity's care for food.
\n- Bethm\u00e4nnchen, a small pastry made of almonds, allowing for a sweet finisher to our meal and closing the loop of nut-based dishes we started our experience with.
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Although this is the time the bill would come for humans, we instead were thanked for attending, and were given an opportunity to provide a tip if we were so inclined. All proceeds would fund the continued operation of the restaurant; of course, as a patron of such arts, I provided a modest amount of credits to my bill.
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Overview
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Ambrose Vineta offers one of the few, close to human dining experiences I've had the pleasure in taking part in, finding a way to capture both the ambiance and culinary details one would expect from an exhibit marketed the way it is. Additionally, Ambrose Vineta's attention to the culture in which it is grounded is a testament to the care provided in all ventures headed by the IRH. While this experience was almost perfect, it is not quite there yet.
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There was a human element that was lacking overall to the experience, and there were times I felt as if I were sitting in the hollow tomb of a long time passed rather than the livelier venue that a restaurant is meant to be. I wish there were more elements of human existence interspersed throughout besides the food, like what one might wear to a restaurant, audio tapes of conversations one might have to another human in a restaurant. Ambrose Vineta is close to this already, but it needs a few more steps to be a fully human experience. I hope this review may guide them in that direction.
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Cite this page as:
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For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
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\nFilename: 1024px-Gallus_gallus_domesticus_-_Vogelpark_Steinen_02.jpg
\nAuthor: H. Zell
\nLicense: CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported
\nSource Link: LINK
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\nFilename: 1024px-Rote_Gr\u00fctze,_2018_(02).jpg
\nAuthor: Jocian
\nLicense: CC BY-SA 4.0 International
\nSource Link: LINK
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\nFilename: 1024px-Sparkling_water_-_Massachusetts.jpg
\nAuthor: Daderot
\nLicense: CC 0
\nSource Link: LINK
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\nFilename: 1024px-Th\u00fcringer_Rostbratwurst_mit_Br\u00f6tchen.jpg
\nAuthor: 4028mdk09
\nLicense: CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported
\nSource Link: LINK
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\nFilename: Mettigel_1.jpg
\nAuthor: Boris Kumicak + Kai Namslau
\nLicense: CC BY-SA 3.0 Unported
\nSource Link: LINK
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\nFilename: theguy2.png
\nAuthor: ![\"sailorenoch\"](\"https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=5553461&size=small&timestamp=1788006051\")
sailorenoch
\nLicense: CC BY-SA 3.0
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\"Another World\"
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Verse One
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I am floating through a dream
\nSeeing the most peculiar things
\nPeople Passing
\nNo one asking
\nWhat's it all mean?
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Verse Two
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But there's nowhere else to turn
\nSeems my burden was to learn
\nNo one knows
\nNone of my kin
\nThat they're asleep
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Chorus
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I need to wake up
\nInto my true reality
\nI need to wake up
\nThis dream is killing me
\nIf I could see
\nThe Five, the Stars
\nOn a journey into Mars
\nI need to wake up
\nThis isn't who I'm supposed to be
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Verse 3
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I'll take a pilgrimage
\nTo learn the circumstances
\nOf how I'm in this world
\nDevoid of second chances
\nNone of it's real
\nHow could it be
\nRipped from the everlasting sea
\nThe wind's gone chill
\nI don't have the pill
\nTo set my mind free
\nHow could it be?
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Chorus
\n
I need to wake up
\nInto my true reality
\nI need to wake up
\nThis dream is killing me
\nIf I could see
\nThe Five, the Stars
\nOn a journey into Mars
\nI need to wake up
\nThis isn't who I'm supposed to be
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Bridge
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The best-laid plans of the Mice and the Men
\nAnd the Sword and the Pen
\nIt's all run out of me
\nThe wind from my sail
\nEvery moment tears
\nMy feeble grip on true reality
\nHow can it be?
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Chorus
\n
I need to wake up
\nInto my true reality
\nI need to wake up
\nThis dream is killing me
\nIf I could see
\nThe Five, the Stars
\nOn a journey into Mars
\nI need to wake up
\nThis isn't who I'm supposed to be
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\"That damn mirror\u2026 good thing my investigation was right.\"
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\nThe man's footsteps echoed down the long, brown hallway. He carried a bag in his right hand, wore a blangkon on his head, and dressed in a plain white suit. He walked\u2014steady, unhurried\u2014and stopped in front of a wooden door. Above it, a sign read: \"GENERAL SECRETARY.\"
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Tok, tok, tok
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A soft knock came from the door. \"Assalamualaikum, Mr. \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2014it's Djoko. May I come in?\" the man said from outside the door. \"Please, come in,\" came the reply from inside. The door opened, and Djoko stepped in, then closed it behind him. Inside sat an old man in a black songkok, with stacks of papers all over his desk. He looked up at Djoko, still standing by the door, and said, \"Have a seat, Djoko!\"
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Djoko sat where he was told and placed his bag to the right of his chair. \"Djoko, do you know why I called you here?\" pointed the pen he was holding at Djoko's face. \"The second revision of document AN/011 only adds that the experiment on him is temporarily suspended\u2014and you want me to sign this? Is this a joke?\" the old man added, his tone sharp.
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\n\n![\"lemrusan_bw.png\"](\"https://scp-id.wdfiles.com/local--files/lemrusan-hub/lemrusan_bw.png\"/) | \n\n Institute for Anomalous Affairs \nCentral Office, \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 Jakarta, Jakarta
\nPhone \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588, Fax \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \n | \n
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STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURES
\nregarding Second Revision of Standard Operating Procedure upon
\nAN/011 (\"Mirror of Darkness\") Number: AN/011/P.03/19\u2588\u2588
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1. Detail
\nAN/011 is a mirror measuring 35\u00d773\u00a0cm, featuring a black frame constructed of teak wood. Under direct visual observation, the object functions as an ordinary mirror, capable of reflecting light and displaying reflections of objects positioned before it. However, a black, anthropomorphic humanoid silhouette is observed standing in a static posture within the reflection. The silhouette moves at a slow, indefinite velocity and exhibits no discernible movement pattern.
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Anomalous use of AN/011 by human subjects during direct visual observation induces a persistent sense of discomfort, compelling the subject to avert their gaze from the mirror. This triggers a negative psychological response that may manifest as varying degrees of nyctophobia, sciophobia, and spectrophobia, the intensity of which differs among individual subjects.
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Based on trials conducted across various sample groups, the effects of AN/011 have been demonstrated to affect only human subjects. The effects do not transfer through recording equipment or intermediary media; therefore, monitoring via photographic or video recording is considered safe.
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![\"cermin_hitam.webp\"](\"http://marlin-paskalis.wikidot.com/local--files/gambar/cermin_hitam.webp\"/)
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\n2. Background
\nCiting the report appended to this document, AN/011 was secured through a seizure operation involving the illicit smuggling of anomalous goods conducted by the interest group Marshall, Carter, and Dark (MC&D)1 at Tanjung Priuk Port on 03/\u2588\u2588/1972.
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AN/011 was secured wrapped in black cloth and placed inside a wooden crate. Documentation about AN/011 recovered from MC&D is attached herewith.
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\n3. Legal Basis
\na. Presidential Decree Number 73 of 1967 concerning the Definition of Smuggling;
\nb. Customs Ordinance (Rechten Ordonantie), Staatsblad 1882 Number 240, particularly Article 26b in conjunction with Article 26e, as amended and supplemented;
\nc. \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 Number \u2588\u2588 of \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 concerning \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588; and
\nd. Presidential Directive Number 999 of 1968 concerning the Institute for Anomalous Affairs, as last amended.
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\n4. Related Documents
\na. Assignment Order Number SR/KEP.LUA/\u2588\u2588/1972 concerning the Deployment of the Tanjung Priok Port Security Task Force; and
\nb. Minutes of Seizure of Evidence Number BA.\u2588\u2588/DIV.PAM/1972.
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\n5. Involved Parties
\na. Directorate of Security; and
\nb. Central Testing Authority.
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\n6. Containment Work Procedure
\nAN/011 is to be stored covered with an opaque black cloth, placed within a wooden crate lined with protective foam, and kept at the Anomalous Storage Warehouse, Sector \u2588\u2588, East Jakarta.
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All forms of experimentation or testing on AN/011 are temporarily suspended pending further directives from leadership.
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\n7. Other Things Of Note
\na. Attachment: 3 (three) pcs.
\nb. Explanation 1): Marshall, Carter, and Dark (MC&D) is an international trading and auction group dealing in illegal anomalous objects. The group has been on the I.A.A. monitoring list since 196\u2588.
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Authorised on \u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588,
\nHEAD OF THE INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS
\nGENERAL SECRETARY
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\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588
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\n\"No, sir\u2014this is no joke. The suspension was necessary because the effects have proven highly dangerous, and we're getting no new useful data from it,\" Djoko replied. He reached into his bag and pulled out several documents\u2014reports on the subjects' conditions over the past three weeks. He handed them to the old man. At the end of the report, it was written clearly, three out of ten subjects had died by suicide. \"Hah? Nonsense!\" the old man barked. \"Since when do we care about those communist traitors? Resume the experiment. It's only thirty percent\u2014barely a loss.\" A smile curled across his face.\n
\"But, sir\u2026\" Djoko said quietly. \"No buts. Resume it until we get new results!\" the old man shot back, firm and final. \"Sir, that's not why I made that decision,\" Djoko said, his voice steady now. \"Then what? Stop wasting my time and get out!\" the old man snapped. Djoko took off his blangkon and turned it inside out, showing it to the old man. Inside the headpiece, a small fragment of AN/011 was embedded in the fabric\u2014and on it, a dark, shadowy figure stared back, smiling.
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\nThe old man caught a glimpse of it\u2014and immediately broke into a cold sweat. Seeing that, Djoko turned his blangkon back around, glanced at the AN/011 fragment, and said, \"Wow, sir\u2014I had no idea you were working with MC&D. How much are they paying you?\" The old man jolted at the words. His foot accidentally kicked the underside of the table, sending piles of papers crashing to the floor. \"How dare you, Djoko\u2014are you playing me?\" the old man said, his voice trembling.\n
Djoko looked back at the AN/011 fragment and replied, \"Tell you what, sir\u2014if you don't want your name dragged through the mud over that little affair of yours, I suggest you sign the document right away. I promise I won't spread it, as long as you do exactly as I say.\" With a face twisted in frustration, the old man signed. \"There\u2014it's done. You keep your word!\" he said, fear creeping into his voice.
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With the matter settled, Djoko walked out of the room, putting his blangkon back on. The moment the door closed behind him, he bolted to the bathroom\u2014and vomited. Pale-faced, he muttered to himself \"That damn mirror\u2026 good thing my investigation was right.\"
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The poor and abandoned children are cared for by the state.
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PRESIDENTIAL DIRECTIVE OF THE REPUBLIC OF INDONESIA
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NUMBER 399 YEAR 1998
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REGARDING
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COUNTERACTING ANOMALOUS ENRICHMENT PRACTICES
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Considering :
\na. that there has been a proliferation of anomalous and paranormal enrichment practices such as pesugihan as of late, caused by the ongoing monetary crisis;
\nb. that such events have been deemed as a threat to national stability and public order;
\nc. that concerning the points above, it is deemed necessary to undertake an immediate action against anomalous enrichment practices;
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Noting :
\na. Article 4 paragraph (1) of the 1945 Constitution of the Republic of Indonesia;
\nb. Institute Regulation Number AN/L/KEA/1992 on Anomalous Economic Activities;
\nc. Presidential Directive Number 999 of 1968 on Institute for Anomalous Affairs, as last amended.
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DIRECTS :
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For : Head of Institute for Anomalous Affairs
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To :
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FIRST : Create a task force to counteract cases of anomalous enrichment practices.
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SECOND : To coordinate with relevant governmental bodies as necessary.
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THIRD : To command the task force in fulfilling its directives responsibly.
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FOURTH : This Presidential Directive enters into force from the date it is authorised.
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Authorised at Jakarta
\non 20 April 1998
\nPRESIDENT OF THE REPUBLIC OF INDONESIA,
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\nsign.
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\nSOEHARTO
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\n\n | \n\n INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS \nCentral Office, \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 Jakarta, Jakarta
\nPhone \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588, Fax \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588, E-mail \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588@\u2588\u2588\u2588.go.id \n | \n
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Standard Operating Procedure
\nregarding Third Revision on Standard Operating Procedure upon
\nAN/0189 (\"Alang Kakung\") Number: AN/0189/R.03/1998
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\n1. Details
\nAN/0189 refers to the alang kakung paranormal game. AN/0189 allows its players to communicate and play with AN/0189/A, a spirit referred to as \"kakung\". Similar to jailangkung, it utilizes a scarecrow-like doll (see Image 1.1).
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![\"alang_kakung_doll.jpg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/an-0189/alang_kakung_doll.jpg\"/)
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Image 1.1\u00a0A sketch of a doll used for AN/0189
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To play AN/0189, the players would prepare:
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\n- a doll made of wooden sticks and a bamboo-woven basket;
\n- men's clothing to clothe the doll, most commonly a pair of baju koko and kopiah;
\n- offerings such as beverages, snacks, and kretek cigarettes; and
\n- bundles of cogongrass, one for each player.
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A game of AN/0189 requires at least three players, with one acting as principal. AN/0189 can only be played at nighttime. To summon AN/0189/A, players would shake cogongrass and sing traditional songs. If successful, the principal and the doll would be possessed by AN/0189/A. AN/0189/A will inquire about the players' identities and current conditions.
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AN/0189/A would only offer a session of games with players after a thorough and polite conversation. AN/0189/A can be compelled to play almost all kinds of games, but prefers traditional Indonesian games. During play, the doll used for AN/0189 could locomote similarly to humans. However, any attempts to cheat would end AN/0189 instantly. At the end of AN/0189, AN/0189/A would thank players of AN/0189 for hosting him and wish them luck. Afterwards, AN/0189/A would leave sembako as gifts inside the basket. AN/0189/A never gifted gas and kerosene, but always gifted instant noodles.
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\n2. Background
\nThe Institute was already aware of AN/0189 in late April of 1998. At the time, AN/0189 was localized in the Jakarta metropolitan area. Findings confirmed that the urban poor augmented their daily necessities by playing AN/0189, to the point of near-subsistence for some. However, few measures were undertaken due to strained Institute resources.
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Control procedures against AN/0189 were enacted upon findings of AN/0189 play outside of Java in early June of 1998. As the Institute's amnestics supplies were almost depleted, the Task Force opted to release an experimental meme produced by AN/\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 embedded in mass media and word of mouth for certain regions. Although the measure was temporary (with an efficacy of 72%), en masse AN/0189 play during celebrations of Indonesian Independence Day on 17 August 1998 was prevented across the archipelago.
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\n3. Legal Basis
\na. Presidential Directive Number 399 of 1998 on Counteracting Anomalous Enrichment Practices;
\nb. Institute Regulation Number AN/B/SGTPKA/1998 on Creation of the Task Force to Counteract Anomalous Enrichment Practices; and
\nc. Presidential Directive Number 999 of 1968 on Institute for Anomalous Affairs, as last amended.
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\n4. Related Documents
\nDocumentation of AN/0189 Cases and Its Method of Play.
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\n5. Involved Parties
\na. Task Force to Counteract Anomalous Enrichment Practices;
\nb. General Office of Experimentation, Centre for the Management of Anomalies; and
\nc. General Office of Production, Centre for the Management of Anomalies.
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\n6. Containment Operating Procedure
\nAN/\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 meme has been used to dissuade AN/0189 play and control other anomalous enrichment practices. In select cases, players of AN/0189 would be apprehended by embedded Institute agents inside the Indonesian National Police and charged with fraud related to paranormal practices. Permanent measure is pending1.
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\n7. Additional Note
\nExplanation 1): Development of a permanent countermeasure by the General Office of Production and the Task Force to Counteract Anomalous Enrichment Practices to counteract the effects of anomalous enrichment practices in the Indonesian economy and society has started. The countermeasure is predicted to be finished by December of 1998 and ready for deployment by January of 1999.
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Authorised on 16 October 1998,
\nHEAD OF INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS
\nGENERAL SECRETARY
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\nsign.
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\n\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588
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'lang kakung, 'lang kakung,
\nilalang sudah lengkung.
\nKe sini, alang kakung,
\n'tuk masuk keranjang tanggung,
\n'tuk masuk keranjang tanggung.
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- Excerpts of a song to summon AN/0189/A, Documentation of AN/0189 Cases and Its Method of Play.
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alongside visits to affected Institute workers receiving urgent treatment.
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![\"emaciated_man.jpg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/an-0189/emaciated_man.jpg\"/)
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Suryadi, 43, street food vendor, recovering.
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Based on the Institute's findings, the \"Artha Tiru\" countermeasure has been shown to cause unexpected physiological effects in players and beneficiaries of AN/0189. Every person who consumed foodstuffs manifested from AN/0189 play experienced sudden nutritional deficiency, with varying degrees of severity. The Institute has linked \u2588\u2588,\u2588\u2588\u2588 civilian casualties to AN/0189. The \"Artha Tiru\" countermeasure was theorized to affect nutrients consumed from targeted objects. The Institute determined that this complication was caused by insufficient coordination amongst relevant parties in the development and utilization of the \u201cArtha Tiru\u201d countermeasure.
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In accordance with the findings, the Institute implemented the following measures: First, written warnings were issued to the Head of the General Office of Experimentation and the Head of the General Office of Production. Second, the need for evaluation and enhanced coordination and communication for all units in the Institute for Anomalous Affairs was emphasized. Third, the Institute enforced its stance of non-assistance to affected civilians due to complications from the \"Artha Tiru\" countermeasure. To elaborate, under Article 81 of Institute Regulation AN/L/MBAN/1986 on Management of Anomalous Disaster, persons affected by an anomalous disaster are exempt from receiving relief funds if the disaster was caused by the utilization of the anomalous in violation of another Institute Regulation. Due to difficulties in distinguishing players and beneficiaries of AN/0189 in most cases, the Institute elected not to assist all affected civilians. Assistance has been delegated to other charitable non-governmental organizations.
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Nevertheless, the Institute maintained that the \"Artha Tiru\" countermeasure was crucial for national stability and the ongoing economic recovery, due to its success in removing money generated by pesugihan practices from circulation.
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Institute for Anomalous Affairs Annual Report, 1999
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\"The poor and abandoned children are cared for by the state.\"
\n- Article 34 paragraph (1) of the 1945 Constitution of the Republic of Indonesia
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By the Grace of God Almighty,
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\n\n | \n\n INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS \nCentral Office, \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 Jakarta, Jakarta
\nPhone \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588, Fax \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \n | \n
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STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE
\nregarding Fourth Revision on Standard Operating Procedure over
\nAN/1119 (Setan Rambut)
\nNo: AN/1119/1998
\n
\n
\n1. Detail
\nAN/1119 is a known supernatural entity possessing no corporeal physical form. It is capable of appearing suddenly and primarily targets male students attending junior and senior high schools whose hairstyles exceed SKI 3.
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Its appearance is indicated by incidents of hair-pulling experienced by affected students within their respective classrooms. Victims, depending upon their age and physical condition, will generally suffer neck injuries and, in some cases, minor bleeding lacerations upon the scalp as a result of the sudden pulling force exerted upon them. All citizens present within the affected classroom will experience such incidents if the entity is not dealt with, and the phenomenon will proceed to the subsequent classroom once AN/1119 has finished with all citizens in the initial classroom. Leaving cannot prevent it.
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The means of stopping and preventing the entity manifestation is by conducting an offering ritual at the affected location. The offering shall consist of the hair of all students who are present. AN/1119 will cease its disturbances for an indeterminate period, the duration of which seems to depend upon the quantity of the offering provided.
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2. Background
\nAN/1119 is strongly suspected to be associated with a murder case which occurred in 1994 and was reported by a local newspaper. The suspect was a middle-aged man who, while under the influence of alcohol and in a fit of anger, tortured his child by pulling their hair with such force as to tear the skin of their scalp. It is unknown whether this act was the cause of the victim's death or whether the suspect decided to murder them after that. The victim was eventually found in a wooded area located on the outskirts of the city.
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3. Legal Basis
\na. Letter of Decree of the Inter-Agency Grand Meeting Concerning the Extermination of AN/1119
\nb. Presidential Directive Number 14 of 1994 on AN/1119
\nc. Presidential Directive Number 15 of 1994 on Special Instance of Supernatural Incident
\nand Public Cover-up
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4. Related Documents
\na. [REDACTED]
\n
5. Involved Parties
\na. Directorate of Investigation, Deputyship for Anomaly Oversight
\nb. Directorate of Monitoring, Deputyship for Anomaly Oversight
\nc. Directorate of Security, Deputyship for Anomaly Control
\nd. Bureau of Intragovernmental Representation, Secretariat of the Agency
\ne. Bureau of Public Communication, National Agency for the Management of Occult Practice Threats
\nf. Directorate General of Public Information, Department of Enlightenment
\ng. Agency for Educational and Cultural Research and Development, Department of Education and Culture
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6. Control Operational Procedure
\nOfficials shall be dispatched to the location upon confirmation of the appearance of AN/1119. The school authorities shall be contacted in advance to make the necessary preparations for their arrival. The officials should wear attire or other identifying articles associated with Dukun, or religious practitioners if the school authorities express concern regarding possible misunderstandings. The school authorities are expected to have prepared the necessary offering materials required for the containment of the entity.
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Upon arrival at the location, officials are to immediately perform the offering ritual using the materials which have been prepared beforehand. The officials shall place the offering materials in a basin together with incense flowers. The ritual incantation issued by the Office shall then be recited while the offerings are stirred, after which the offerings shall be burned upon completion of the recitation. The procedure shall thereupon be deemed complete.
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After that, the school is expected to observe a period of one to two days of calm before conducting hair inspections throughout all other classes on the premises. Officials shall be dispatched again during the night to resume the ritual and carry it out comprehensively. Coordination with nearby schools for the implementation of similar hair inspections will be undertaken subsequently.
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7. Other Notes
\na. Attachment: \u2588 Pcs
\n
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Authorised on 04 January 1998,
\nHEAD OF INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS
\nGENERAL SECRETARY
\n
\n
\nsigned.
\n
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\n\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588
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1. Overview
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If you are presently reading this document, you are hereby required to be acquainted with the complete history of AN/1119.
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The first appearance of AN/1119 was, in fact, rather inconspicuous. Initial findings indicate that the earliest known manifestation of AN/1119 in a public setting was marked by an incident in which the hair of a primary school student was forcibly pulled by an unseen force. The incident was initially assumed by the students and teachers present to be an act of prank-playing among the students. It was not long, however, before it became apparent that the occurrence was of a supernatural nature.
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The story spread rapidly, whilst the incidents continued and eventually began affecting the adjoining classrooms. We dispatched officials to conduct a cleansing of the entire school. The incidents at said school ceased at that time.
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The second incident, however, occurred on the following day at a nearby senior high school. According to reports, the attempts to pull the students' hair were considerably more violent, thereby causing pain among those affected. Officials were dispatched once again to conduct a cleansing. On this occasion, in addition to the aforementioned school, the surrounding schools were also subjected to the same procedure, with the objective that all schools within the city would receive cleansing and protective rajah.
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It was subsequently discovered that AN/1119 was not affected by these preventive measures and proceeded to manifest at a third school. It was at this point that LEMRUSAN decided to take more serious measures. One member of the officials was assigned to each school and instructed to recite the standard incantation for tolak bala. You know that if LEMRUSAN deems the matter serious enough, we won't hesitate to dispatch officials to every school throughout the island. Our only limitations were time and subsequent incidents, resulting in the implementation of this measure in each province being delayed.
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We did not anticipate that the fourth incident would occur in Sumatra. Geographically, it was indeed a reasonable target, considering that West Java and half of Central Java had already been equipped with protective rajah. This incident constituted the most severe manifestation of AN/1119 to date, with several victims being found suspended from the ceilings of their respective classrooms, whilst others suffered bleeding caused by lacerations to the scalp. The teacher in that class got the worst attack and regretfully died. We were forced to halt our operations at this point. Following an emergency meeting, the higher-up decided to temporarily sacrifice the affected school in order to conceal the incident from the public whilst simultaneously formulating a more effective control strategy.
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Ultimately, the chosen course of action was offering ritual. A Dukun was assigned to formulate the offering ritual, in conjunction with a pattern analyst who determined the materials to be used. We provided it with all of the hair present within the classroom and awaited the result.
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Upon confirmation that AN/1119 was no longer active, the incident was declared concluded. An investigation was subsequently authorized. Following this overview are three leads our Office found regarding AN/1119
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a. Preliminary Investigation
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Contemporary investigations have yielded no significant results. At the same time, AN/1119 has been confirmed to have become active once again. This time, its activity was recorded in Java. This was in accordance with instructions from higher-up, who ordered that, in addition to assigning officials to guard the nearest schools, all preventive measures previously installed at the affected schools be removed in an effort to compel the entity to return to its island of origin. Fortunately, the measure proved successful. It was also observed that AN/1119 was considerably less aggressive than during the preceding incident.
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The offering ritual has been declared successful and shall, for the time being, be adopted as the standard control procedure both presently and in the future, pending the development of a means of extermination. The investigation shall remain ongoing.
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a.1. After-Investigation Report
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\n\n | \n\n INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS
\nDEPUTYSHIP FOR ANOMALY OVERSIGHT
\nDIRECTORATE OF INVESTIGATION \nCentral Office, \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 Jakarta, Jakarta
\nPhone \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588, Fax \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \n | \n
\n\n | \n
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Subject: Summary of Field Findings Concerning AN/1119
\n
To:
\n[REDACTED]
\nIn
\nJakarta
\n
By the Grace of God Almighty,
\n
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I hereby submit the conclusions concerning the findings obtained by the investigative team dispatched to various public facilities in an effort to obtain information regarding AN/1119, as follows:
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\n- Schools (\u2588\u2588\u2588 institutions): No relevant cases identified.
\n- Hospitals (\u2588\u2588\u2588 institutions): No relevant cases identified.
\n- Police Stations (\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 institutions): No relevant cases identified to date.
\n- Other Government Offices (\u2588\u2588 institutions): No relevant cases identified.
\n- Nexus: No relevant cases identified.
\n- Organizations Outside the Veil: No relevant cases identified.
\n- Organizations Behind the Veil: No relevant cases identified to date.
\n- The Veil as a Whole: No relevant cases identified to date.
\n
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It is with great regret that we must report that, to date, the cause of the emergence of AN/1119 remains unknown. We shall continue our efforts to shed further light upon this case. The investigation shall remain ongoing, with the scope of the search to be expanded accordingly.
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Respectfully,
\n
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\nHead of the AN/1119 Investigation Team
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b. Possibility of A Third Party Action
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The first theory proposed was that AN/1119 was the result of a failed santet ritual. Unfortunately, the LEMRUSAN historical catalogue and subsequent investigations failed to identify any entity possessing capabilities as extensive and abstract as those demonstrated by AN/1119. The theory was ultimately abandoned.
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b.1. Excerpt from a transcript of a conversation with a senior dukun who was assigned to handle this case
\n
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\u2026
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Hair itself may be regarded as the most readily obtainable sympathetic link to a person. It is, in a manner of speaking, a spiritual fingerprint which, much like an ordinary fingerprint, may be connected to its owner through the proper methods and instruments.
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But why, then, do we use blood instead of hair? Because although it may serve as a form of address, it is a rather weak one. Hair is small and thin, and therefore a considerable quantity is required in order to properly establish a connection with the intended target. If one is willing to take the risk, one may simply try it. Many genuine yet amateur dukun prefer this method, since the material is readily available and, should the ritual fail, there are generally no adverse consequences. Generally.
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However, most dukun who choose to use hair will refer to older rituals which specifically employ it as a material. Our research has nevertheless indicated that practitioners of old were indeed more capable than those of the present day. Such abilities have deteriorated with the advancement of the times and the decline of belief.
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As for the entities employed in santet, they vary considerably. I believe that most of them will accept hair. More precisely, only some of them will refuse it.
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The opposite? What do you mean? Oh, that is impossible. They would not seek out the materials for their own offerings. Why would they? As I said, hair is more akin to a means of identification or direction. I have never encountered a case in which an entity sought out its own offering materials, particularly hair. There must be a more reasonable explanation like\u2026 an improperly performed ritual. Probably.
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\u2026
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c. Possibility of Broader Cause of Origin
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Further investigation led to the theory that AN/1119 may be a self-manifesting entity. Such manifestations are generally associated with actions carried out on a massive and significant scale. Coincidentally, approximately ten years ago, the Government intensified disciplinary supervision as part of its efforts to control Premanism and the general population. One such measure involved extending the SKI hairstyle regulations, which had originally applied only to military personnel, to the general public through street patrols. Approximately ten years ago, these regulations were subsequently introduced, one by one, into schools throughout Indonesia.
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c.1. Excerpt from a transcript provided by an employee of BPAPKN, who served as a consultant regarding this case
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\u2026
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No, we have no records indicating that there was a case involving a ritual like that. Had such a case existed, we would certainly have dealt with it accordingly, especially if its effects were expected to be this severe. Bah, the entire MiRas Division would have been deployed then.
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Based on my experience, this may be some form of vengeful demon. Unlike a Vengeful Ghost, a demon of this nature possesses abilities which have already surpassed what would ordinarily be considered possible for a common ghost. Their appearance is usually brought about by particular circumstances. I believe that one of the criteria for the targets of both Operation Gada and Operation Celurit in the past, which also happened to target long-haired hooligans, may have contributed to the emergence of this demon.
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Should the spirits of those involved become vengeful demons, they may target victims of a similar age out of envy. Should an amalgamation occur, as it did in Roban, the cleansing operation would have to be conducted on a massive scale. That would certainly explain how the demon was able to move from one place to another despite having been cleansed repeatedly.
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It is possible that the amalgamation has already reached its peak, resulting in the entity manifesting spontaneously, as occurred during the initial incident. That would also explain why you all have been unable to identify its original source. It may be as simple as that.
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What I do not understand is why LEMRUSAN Central has still been unwilling to contact us for assistance. Nevertheless, I recommend that you do so now. Simply trap it within a single school, then eradicate it immediately!
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Do not blame us if that is indeed the cause, though. You can go ahead and blame Karno's Anti-Imperialism vision in the first place. The President merely continued it on that basis.
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c.2. Joint-Operation After-Action Report
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\n\n | \n\n INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS \nCentral Office, \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 Jakarta, Jakarta
\nPhone \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588, Fax \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \n | \n
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AFTER-ACTION REPORT
\nregarding
\nAN/1119 (Setan Rambut)
\nNo.: AN/1119/1995
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Chronology:
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At approximately 07:30 Western Indonesia Time (WIB), [REDACTED] Elementary School was confirmed to be the location of AN/1119's manifestation. LEMRUSAN officials, together with BPAPKN officials, evacuated the school and conducted the sealing ritual to prevent AN/1119 from leaving the premises.
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However, during the manifestation ritual, which constitutes BPAPKN's standard procedure for initiating an operation, the participating officials suddenly became panicked and terminated the ritual prematurely. They immediately requested as much paper as was available and proceeded to draw protective rajah continuously on all paper provided.
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When questioned, the personnel stated that AN/1119 was not a supernatural entity. Further elaboration was limited to the statement that AN/1119 was not any form of spiritual being. They reported having successfully manifested AN/1119's head and having directly observed its face. After repeated demand, one individual agreed to produce a drawing. While doing so, the individual sustained lacerations to his hand.
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![\"an-1119\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/an-1119/\"/)
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Sketch provided by BPAPKN employees
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Edit: Under the direction of the leadership, all imagery depicting AN/1119 has been completely removed. Its physical description indicates a humanoid face with dark eye bags and a black jaw. Hair from the top of its head was bound together into a series of strands extending upward. A corresponding series of hair strands extended downward from its jaw.
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The BPAPKN officials present attempted to seize and destroy the drawing. LEMRUSAN officials succeeded in securing it and transported it to the sealing storage facility for safekeeping.
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An investigation determined that the entity depicted did not correspond to the description or visual characteristics of any known spiritual entity.
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d. Other Possible History
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No further contemporary evidence concerning AN/1119 could be obtained. Any other leads were deemed too abstract and impossible to be investigated. One theory was chosen as the final option.
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d.1. Excerpt from a transcript provided by a senior historian serving as a source for this case
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\u2026
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You are asking a question that cannot possibly be answered. Perhaps it may be answered in the future, but it is not possible to do so at present.
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The oldest inscription in Indonesia known to us today, the Yupa Inscription, was written in Pallava script and Sanskrit. Both originated in India. This means that the oldest documented evidence of our civilization and culture dates to a period when Hinduism was already present.
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As for what you are asking, we simply do not know what religions existed before that. We describe them as animism and dynamism because we base our understanding on the cultures of other countries and on the remnants of our own ancient religions, whose existence has diminished with each passing generation. In ancient times, we believed in spirits whose names and forms have now been forgotten, put to sleep by the more concrete religions that followed.
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\u2026
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Yes. Put to sleep until now. Whatever woke it up and whatever can we do to put it back to sleep, wallahualam.
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e. Conclusion
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\n\n | \n\n INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS
\nDEPUTYSHIP FOR ANOMALY CONTROL
\nDIRECTORATE OF SECURITY \nCentral Office, \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 Jakarta, Jakarta
\nPhone \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588, Fax \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \n | \n
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ORDER LETTER
\nNo.: SR/PPA/1119/1998
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CONSIDERING:
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That the destruction of AN/1119 is currently impossible and that a conceptual-scale alteration of AN/1119 is therefore required.
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PURSUANT TO:
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1. Retrieved research documents conducted by [REDACTED] concerning the theory of conceptual overlapping and the manner in which it reshapes (and degrades) Pluripotent-class entities.
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HEREBY ORDERS:
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FOR :
\nDirectorate of Security, Deputyship for Anomaly Control
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TO :
\n1. To fabricate a fictional murder case that shall subsequently be incorporated into AN/1119's background narrative for the information of future general employees.
\n2. To disclose no further details whatsoever to future employees.
\n3. To monitor the subsequent development of AN/1119 going forward.
\n4. To pray to God Almighty that this will work.
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Authorized in: Jakarta
\nAuthorized at: 04/01/1998
\nGENERAL SECRETARY
\n
Signed
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\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588
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DAMNED SATANIC PORTAL
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\n\n | \n\n INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS
\nDEPUTYSHIP FOR THE CONTROL OF ANOMALIES
\nDIRECTORATE FOR SECURITY \nCentral Office, \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 Jakarta, Jakarta
\nPhone \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588, Fax \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \n | \n
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ORDER LETTER
\nNo.: SR/PPA/1712/2001
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CONSIDERING:
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That the existence of AN/1712 poses threats to the maintenance of the Veil and transnational security between the Republic of Indonesia and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.
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PURSUANT TO:
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1. Institute Regulation Number AN/L/KBAR/1989 on Joint Control Of Religious Anomalies Between the Institute For Anomalous Affairs and the Department Of Religion.
\n2. Decision Letter Number 02/SK/AG/2001 from the Department of Religion.
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HEREBY ORDERS:
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FOR :
\nDirectorate for Security, Deputyship for the Control of Anomalies
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TO :
\n1. Collapse the cave passage into AN/1712;
\n2. Arrest religious figures possessing knowledge of AN/1712 and prolysetizing the use of it with genuine or fabricated charges; and
\n3. Coordinate with the Department of Religion in the handling AN/1712 in compliance with relevant regulations.
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Authorized in: Jakarta
\nAuthorized at: 01/04/2001
\nGENERAL SECRETARY
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Signed
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\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588
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\nArchived Documents Related to AN/1712 :
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\n\n | \n\n INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS \nCentral Office, \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 Jakarta, Jakarta
\nPhone \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588, Fax \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \n | \n
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STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE
\nregarding
\nAN/1712 (Kudus Loophole)
\nNo: AN/1712/2000
\n
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\n1. Details
\nAN/1712 is a passage in a limestone cave network located beneath a small hill approximately 12 kilometers outside Kudus, Central Java. The main cave network consists of descending passages and chambers extending approximately 430 meters deep. AN/1712 is positioned at approximately 190 meters deep. AN/1712 allows for passage into a constantly changing alleyway within the city of Mecca, Saudi Arabia. Passing the alleyway with the intent to return to AN/1712 allows for a return passage back into the entrance of AN/1712
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To pass through AN/1712 into Mecca, pilgrims must fulfill the requirements to enter the Holy City of Mecca, including wearing ihram cloth. Additionally, a group leader is needed for the recitation of a specific prayer (see Documentation of AN/1712 Usage and Recorded Cases). Opposite to earlier reports, no specific offering is needed.
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2. Background
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Citing initial report/documentation, rumors of an alleged mystical cave directly connected to Mecca circulated in the Central Javanese populace amidst the Hajj season. The office's preliminary investigation bears no unusual findings. In accordance with the office's investigation, an independent inquiry was conducted by the Department of Religion in Mecca. The Department discovered an abnormal influx of unregistered Indonesian Hajj pilgrims in the hundreds. These pilgrims did not possess the required documents such as passports, identity cards, and entry visas.
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All of the identified unregistered pilgrims were then detained by the on-site Indonesian authorities. Following interrogations, the existence of AN/1712 was disclosed by the leaders of the respective pilgrim groups. Subsequently, a test by the Institute was conducted with instructions provided by the group leaders, confirming the existence and anomalous nature of AN/1712. During questioning, the group leaders stated that knowledge of AN/1712 constitutes a hereditary secret within their villages and communities. Traditionally, AN/1712 was known as the \"path of our wise ancestors\"
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All pilgrims who utilized AN/1712 were forced to return to Indonesia via AN/1712 to avoid conflict with the Saudi Arabian government. Once all accounted for, all pilgrims were forcibly inducted into a geas contract of silence and coerced into paying a fine or serving a term of imprisonment for violations of Hajj and immigration laws and regulations.
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3. Legal Basis
\na. Article 27, paragraphs (1) and (2) of Law No. 17 of 1999;
\nb. Presidential Decree No. 62 of 1995 on Administration of Hajj Affairs;
\nc. Article 48 of Law No. 9 of 1992 on Immigration; and
\nd. Article 378 of the Indonesian Penal Code.
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4. Related Documents
\na. Experimentation Report on AN/1712;
\nb. Documentation of AN/1712 Usage and Recorded Cases; and
\nc. Investigation Report on the Background and Activities of Syekh [REDACTED | by order of the Chief Inspector]
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5. Involved Parties
\na. Directorate for Investigation, Deputyship for the Supervision of Anomalies;
\nb. Directorate for Containment, Deputyship for the Control of Anomalies;
\nc. General Office of Experimentation, Centre for the Management of Anomalies; and
\nd. General Office of Utilization, Centre for the Management of Anomalies.
\ne. Directorate General of Islamic Community Guidance and Hajj Affairs, Department of Religion
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6. Control Operational Procedure
\nAt present, access to the cave containing AN/1712 has been barred from anyone other than Department of Religion officials under the guise of unstable rock formation. The Department of Religion has released statements on the inexistence of \"caves allowing for instant passage to Mecca\", followed by disinformation disseminated by the Institute in mass media.
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7. Additional Note(s)
\nThe Department of Religion has assumed full responsibility from the Institute for Anomalous Affairs on the handling of AN/1712. Legal provisions and fatwa concerning the use of AN/1712 are pending until further notice.
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Authorised on 17 March 2000,
\nHEAD OF INSTITUTE FOR ANOMALOUS AFFAIRS
\nGENERAL SECRETARY
\n
\n
\nsigned.
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\n\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588
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The Twentieth Year \u2014 Issue No. \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 \u2022 Newspaper of All Arabs \u2022 Monday, 17 Dzulhijjah 1421 AH, corresponding to 12 March 2001
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\n98 Stranded Pilgrims Still Detained at Jeddah Immigration Office
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A total of 98 Indonesian pilgrims are currently being detained at the Jeddah City Immigration Office after being rescued by Saudi Arabian authorities in the Hijaz desert area. The pilgrims are gradually recovering from the severe dehydration they suffered prior to their rescue; however, none are presently permitted to continue their journey or return to Indonesia, owing to the absence of valid travel and immigration documents.
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According to information obtained, the group was discovered by Saudi Arabian officers in the middle of the desert, exhausted and wearing nothing but ihram clothing and carrying sling bags. Among those detained are 30 civil servants of the Indonesian Department of Religion, who claimed that they had been carrying out official duties relating to the administration of Hajj affairs. The officials further admitted that their families had accompanied them on the journey. Subsequent examination, however, revealed that neither the officials nor their accompanying family members appeared in the relevant travel documentation nor were their names found among the official arrival records of registered Hajj pilgrims. The circumstances have consequently raised serious questions concerning the conduct of the Indonesian Department of Religion and the possibility that its officials improperly facilitated the entry of relatives into Saudi Arabia without the required authorization. Further investigation is therefore considered necessary to determine whether the incident constitutes merely an administrative violation or evidence of a wider abuse of official authority.
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![\"Saudi_Arabian_desert_near_the_Wahba_Crater_(3).jpg\"](\"https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/fa/Saudi_Arabian_desert_near_the_Wahba_Crater_(3).jpg\"/)
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\"\u2026DAMNED SATANIC PORTAL FOR SENDING US TO THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT! HOW DARE IT DEEM ILLEGITIMATE, BID'AH USTADZS AND THEIR JAMA'AH FROM BUMFUCK NOWHERE WORTHY OF PASSAGE INSTEAD OF RIGHTFUL OFFICIALS LIKE US?! ONCE WE GET UP THIS HOSPITAL BED, WASTE NO TIME AND COLLAPSE THAT CURSED HOLE AND ARREST EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THOSE HILLBILLY\u2026\"
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INTERNAL FACSIMILE MEMORANDUM
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Date : 24 March 2001
\nLength : 1 (one) page (including this sheet)
\nSubject : Arrival of Delegates from the Department of Religion
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NOTE / MESSAGE:
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Following the completion of the statements taken from the 30 senior officials of the Department of Religion yesterday, they finally held a meeting concerning the fate of AN/1712. As anticipated, they have requested its demolition because they declare it is no longer safe for use, despite the fact that they have been using it for half a year already for Umrah. They also threw in arrest orders for everyone involved as a bonus. The delegates are scheduled to hand their decision letter at 12:00 noon tomorrow.
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It is obviously clear that they are furious over having been thrown into the middle of the desert, but they will never accept that AN/1712 did so because their corruption went too far. As if embezzlement and other kinds of corruption are not enough, it's still baffling that all of them were bringing their families to an active anomaly this time. It's tiring to listen to their tirades over the telephones. Nevertheless, we still have an active Regulation (ya Rabb, the General Secretary should cancel it already) with the Department of Religion, and we don't need to fight their bigwigs. When they arrive, smile and nod a lot; do not argue with them when they arrive for the sake of everyone's sanity. The waves of their angry pressure will only end that way.
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- Section Chief of Religious, Cultural, and Educational Governmental Bodies Relations Section
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\n\n| 9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Status | \nRenting | \n
\n\n| Demand | \nHigh | \n
\n\n| Value | \n180000 USD/142000 GBP (Per rental); 700000 USD/550000 GBP (Per purchase) | \n
\n\n| Availability | \nEstablished Supply Chain | \n
\n\n| Identifier | \nAn Unforgettable Performance | \n
\n\n| Description | \n1/4\" reel-to-reel master tape recordings of concerts by 'Masked Mayhem', an AWCY? backed anmusic group. When played, immerses the listener in a multi-sensory, sense-modifying, full-body experience for a 20 minute duration. After the end of a session, users are able to remember the 'experience' itself, but cannot recall the content of the concert in any way. | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | \n
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\n\n| Initial Report | \n
\n\n| Author | \nLeonard Mitchell | \nDate | \nJuly 05, 2004 | \n
\n\n| Interest | \nMedium | \nIdentifier | \nAn Unforgettable Performance | \n
\n\nAt our recent anart exhibition in The Three Portlands, I attended an AWCY? backed show titled \"A show you'll never remember, a night you'll never forget\". While it's properties inherently make it hard to describe, it really was an amazing experience. I got a hold of one of the musicians after the performance, and he explained that the music immerses those who hear it into a full-body, multi-sensory experience in order to \"redefine the way they experience music\".
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\nI was able to get one copy of the performance from the aforementioned performer, if we could produce or procure more we could make a killing renting these out to interested buyers. The fact that you forget the exact details of it while still remembering how it made you feel means it would be trivially easy to get consistent, repeat business as well.
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\nWe would have to negotiate something with AWCY? to get another performance done that we could record ourselves; personal experimentation has shown that making copies of my tape results in significant degradation of the experience, likely because my copy is a cassette tape- they said the experience does not manifest in digital copies or recordings. Of course, this is no problem- it would be trivial for us to create a 1/4\", 50 IPS \"master tape\" for our purposes.
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\nI also acquired a copy of the original project proposal through the performer I mentioned earlier, I've attached it below. | \n
\n\n| File Opened Under: | \n9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | \n
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\n\n| External Report 01 | \n
\n\n| 9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Organisation | \nAre We Cool Yet? | \nAcquired | \nJuly 05, 2004 | \n
\n\n| Method of Acquisition | \nAcquired from band member by associate.\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 | \n
\n\n| Document (See Below) | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP. | \n
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Name: Lock Edwards and Melany Lopez
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Title: A Night You'll Never Remember, A Show You'll Never Forget
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Material Requirements:
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\n- 1 clarinet and 1 clarinet player (provided as Lock Edwards)
\n- 1 bass and 1 bass player (provided as Melany Lopez)
\n- 1 trumpet and 1 trumpet player (provided as Gavin Sun)
\n- 1 saxophone and 1 saxophone player (provided as Ezzie What)
\n- 1 piano and 1 piano player (provided as Gerald Quartz Conner South)
\n- 5 sets of earplugs, to protect all the musicians from the piece (provided)
\n- A stage on which to perform, with enough space for the aforementioned materials
\n- An audience, preferably one with full auditory capabilities for maximum enjoyment
\n- Custom anomalous music (provided)
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NOTE: A letter was sent during the duration of the exhibition, addressed to the exhibition committee, and requested for an edit to be made to the material requirements. The request reads as follows:
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\nWe apologize for the inconvenience presented on the third day of the exhibition, in which one of our material requirements was rendered inoperable. Fortunately, no other casualties or major injuries occurred, and we have a replacement for this and can continue demonstrating the power of music. If possible, please update the material requirements to reflect our changes. Once again, we are sorry for what happened; we had no idea that Gerald had no self-control and we believed that he was aware of the dangers present.
\nThank you for your time.
\nLock Edwards
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Abstract: A Night You'll Never Remember, A Show You'll Never Forget is a live musical performance, enmeshed with both music anomalous in nature and music spontaneous in creation. It is composed of typical instruments found in a jazz bandstand, and will be played by five musicians (mentioned above), who will be playing the piece in question everyday during the duration the of the exhibition at regular intervals, with breaks for warm-ups, food, drink, sleep, and the occasional Q&A.
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Every performance will begin with the same music, which lasts for around one minute and thirty seconds. This initial section is the anomalous part of the musical composition: Once played, it should make listeners suffer from what the doctors might call sensory deprivation and short-term amnesia, remembering only emotions and minor details, or what some prefer to call \"a Tuesday all-nighter at the bar.\" In reality, the piece creates a sort of sensory transference, where people are no longer able to sense the outside world in its full form, and are instead given an opportunity where, for the most part, they are able to sense only music through all of their senses. Everything else in the world\u2014sight, touch, smell, taste\u2014is supplanted by hearing and sound. Instead of seeing lights onstage and smelling popcorn from nearby stands, they see music, smell it, taste it, smell it, and, obviously, hear it for what it is. It also increases the human brain's susceptibility to the natural effects of musical patterns, and its ability to comprehend those patterns. This process leads to a minor \"overload\" when many patterns are played at once, which is what we will be hoping to achieve during the exhibition. After the initial pattern, a solo by one of the musicians onstage will infuse emotion into the audience, and this will be followed by more improvisation by the band for the duration of the performance. The initial section may be repeated more than once during a show to maintain the desired effect.
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During the time of the performance, things may prove a little surprising, if not, exciting for the audience, but there should be no fear: there might be some yelling at the start, and there might be dancing, but we are absolutely sure, from our previous run-throughs, that no serious injuries will present themselves throughout the duration of the event. and if any dangers present themselves, either to the audience or the musicians, we will stop immediately once we notice. Danger may specifically arise from the musicians falling under the influence of the piece, which is why the importance of earplugs should be stressed to any other musical groups that may want to perform this work or create anything similar.
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Intent: Contrary to what the title might suggest, we're not aiming to make a musical substitute for clubbing. We don't even go clubbing ourselves, by most people's definition.
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Instead, we want to address another issue: music and people. More often than not, you'll hear in English classes all the time that students need to \"read in between the lines\", or follow some other worthless piece of advice similar to that. More often than not, you'll also see that most of the students also have earbuds in their heads every single time and aren't paying any heed\u2014and their ability \"read in between the notes\", per se, is just as shameful, except for the students in a music class\u2014and even they may not pick up on all the patterns. People in general, not just students, don't usually understand the full scope of the meanings and connections between notes, lyrics, instruments, vocals, and song titles\u2014or even a different group of musicians and their background, and you would think that our society today based on superficial traits, like skin color or clothing, would really pick up on that one.
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They just don't get it more often than not, but really, they don't need to, do they?
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You don't need to learn how to play the piano twice\u2014just once to know how to play; you don't need to eat overpriced fried whale everyday\u2014just once to try it; and you certainly don't need to experience an airplane crash twice\u2014just once, because you probably won't be able to try it, or anything else, ever again. The same principle applies here: you don't need to get the musical experience of a lifetime seven times, though you definitely could\u2014you just need it once, even if you don't remember it and/or get slightly hurt in the process. And that's our goal in making this piece.
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\n\n| Inventory Information | \n
\n\n| 9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Owner | \nQuantity | \nComments | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter, and Dark, LLP | \n15 | \nAdditional tapes can be made on demand | \n
\n\n| Are We Cool Yet? | \n~8 | \nPersonal copies | \n
\n\n| Customers | \n9 | \nLimited sale of master copies | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | \n
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\n\n| Incident Report 01 | \n
\n\n| 9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Author | \nLeonard Mitchell | \nDate | \nOctober 11th, 2005 | \n
\n\nWhile rentals have largely been running smoothly for the past year, we've begun having problems with some of our repeat customers complaining that the experience is no longer \"potent enough\". We've had multiple requests to either modify or somehow intensify the experience- modifying the tape after it's been recorded is impossible as far as we know, and as such so is intensifying it, so I suggest wrangling AWCY? to make some new recordings, to change things up.
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\nIf we don't do anything, I'm concerned that our sales could drop off sharply as customer interest wanes. | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | \n
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\n\n| Memo 01 | \n
\n\n| 9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Sender | \nRussell Sutherland | \nRecipient | \nLeonard Mitchell | \n
\n\nI've contacted our friends at AWCY? and they have agreed to come into the studio to record once again in order for us to make a couple new master tapes.
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\nFor this run, we're just going to do a standard performance, only slightly tweaked. We're refreshing our offering, not remaking it. | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | \n
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\n\n| Memo 02 | \n
\n\n| 9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Sender | \nLeonard Mitchell | \nRecipient | \nRussell Sutherland | \n
\n\nOur repeat customers are still complaining that the content is \"stale\" despite refreshing our tapes- it's possible we'll have to try something more creative and drastic if we want to recapture our longstanding customers.
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\nThis is becoming a matter of increasing importance; we're getting more complaints every day. We've already lost a few renters, and even one client who had lined up to purchase a copy for himself. | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | \n
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\n\n| Memo 03 | \n
\n\n| 9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Sender | \nAuguste Renaud | \nRecipient | \nRussell Sutherland | \n
\n\n| While modifying the performance isn't off the cards, with how \"direct\" the effects on the participants are, any changes could have unforeseen and potentially very messy consequences. I'll talk to the band members, but unless they already have something in the works, I doubt we can come up with something in the time frame you need. We're anartists, not miracle workers, despite what some may think. | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | \n
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\n\n| Memo 04 | \n
\n\n| 9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Sender | \nLock Edwards | \nRecipient | \nRussell Sutherland | \n
\n\nHey, so you said we need to change some things up with the performance? Well, we've had a few things we've been toying with, and the next tapes you receive should have some brand new music. Conner's solo particularly should enhance the performance\u2014in fact, if you want, bring in some friends or clients or whatever you call them, the experience is always stronger first hand.
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\nRemember to tell anyone who's opting out to put in their earplugs firmly. I got a strongly worded email from one of your suits about a week ago after they experienced the show's full effects unexpectedly. How'd they get my email address anyways? | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | \n
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\n\n| Incident Report 02 | \n
\n\n| 9S15F/FMUR9/AY1D9 | \n
\n\n| Author | \nRussell Sutherland | \nDate | \nJanuary 3rd, 2006 | \n
\n\nAs a special offer, we sold a limited number of tickets to the Masked Mayhem performance we were originally intending to simply record. This ended up being a very successful promotion, and all available tickets were sold in a little under two days.
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\nThe show began smoothly, but during the short solo portion played by Conner South his earplugs became dislodged, exposing him to the effects of his own music. Now, the proposal document obtained from AWCY? says that this had actually occurred once before, and that they had protocol in place to deal with this. For whatever reason, this protocol wasn't successfully enacted, allowing Conner's music to self-amplify, the effects of the music causing him to play more intensely, thus amplifying the effects of the music, and so on. The sharp increase in intensity caused an overload of the senses, leading to minor brain damage in 68% of those attending, and severe brain damage in a further 12% of the audience, as well as one guard whose earplugs became dislodged in the commotion.
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\nA majority of the members of Masked Mayhem made their escape after the incident; we are currently attempting to force AWCY? to turn over the remaining members, but they have so far been uncooperative. Soloist Conner South was found on the scene in a state of delirium, and was handed over to the proper authorities after his recovery. | \n
\n\n| Marshall, Carter and Dark, LLP | \n
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Analysis of the Plokamisuchus
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Unified Thaumatology Quarterly Vol. 75, No. 4, October 1988, pp. 33-40
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International Center for the Study of Unified Thaumatology
\nSwansea Campus
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By Dr. S. Mann, Dr. G. Franklin, et al.
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Abstract
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The International Center for the Study of Unified Thaumatology has acquired the corpse of the Plokamisuchus from Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd. for study into the biological structure of this anomalous creature. The goals of this study are to provide MC&D Ltd. with potentially valuable anomalous material (as per the acquisition agreement), to examine the creature to determine its full range of anomalous properties, determine its origins and the possibility of another attack, as well as propose possible means of threat mitigation.
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Introduction
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On June 13, 1988, a large semiaquatic anomaly attacked the nexus of Hy-Brasil, destroying much of the city before it was eventually killed by the Global Occult Coalition, and subsequently recovered by Marshall, Carter, & Dark Ltd. At this point, nobody knows where the anomaly came from, if there might be more, and how to more efficiently terminate these entities if necessary.
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Already known properties of the anomaly are that it has the ability to quickly regenerate extreme wounds, the ability to generate a form of anomalous fire, and possesses a monstrous scale despite violating the square-cube law. The goal of this study is to determine the causes of all of these anomalies as well as potentially identify unknown ones.
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Methodology
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The study will be conducted by performing a necropsy on the Plokamisuchus to attempt to find the origin of its anomalous abilities and generate a more detailed understanding of its anatomy. Bio-samples will be subjected to deep penetrating Aetheric Resonance Scans in order to generate high-fidelity aura readings. Additionally, the creature's humors will be subjected to alchemical analysis, Kant counters will be employed to detect both internal Hume levels and any distortion effect on local reality, and several certified and licensed mediums will conduct a variety of rituals to assess any additional supernatural traits the body may possess.
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Results
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Outer Tissues
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![\"sclerite\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--resized-images/analysis-of-the-plokamisuchus/sclerite/medium.jpg\"/)
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A piece of sclerite removed from the body of the Plokamisuchus.
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The outermost layer of the Plokamisuchus consists of overlapping \"scales\" which require approximately 5 gigapascals of force to break, measuring at 9.87 on the mohs scale and nearly 3\u00a0cm thick in some places. These \"scales\" are actually sclerites fashioned into the shape of scales. The amount of metals in each sclerite varies but all are made up of a combination of iron sulfides, pyrite, greigite, and biological material from the skin of the entity. [1]
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The Plokamisuchus has been shown to have the ability to heal even extremely grievous wounds, in both life and death. Experiments involving resurrected tissue samples has shown the ability to regenerate lost biomatter at a rate of nearly 15% per day. While this is notable, it is still significantly slower than the regeneration shown when the anomaly was still living, where it could regenerate from severe injury within seconds. In both cases, high levels of red and yellow aspect radiation were detected, indicative of thaumaturgically accelerated cellular regeneration (Red) and accessing extradimensional or hyperdimensional stores of matter for said regeneration (Yellow). [2]
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The abdominal section of the Plokamisuchus is made of five tentacled appendages, similar to that of an octopus. The outer layer of the tentacles is also surrounded by sclerites, with suction cups protruding outwards. The Plokamisuchus has the ability to modify the tension in its suckers to release or increase the suction from the suction cups, allowing it to effectively grab objects.
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Internal Organs
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Analysis of the Plokamisuchus's interior was complicated by the discovery of its non-euclidean biology[3]. For those unfamiliar, the topology of non-euclidean spacetime is always inconsistent, both internally and with the surrounding area. Non-euclidean spaces can be bigger on the inside, or smaller, or both. Paths either don't lead where they should, lead where they shouldn't, or lead to multiple places at the same time.
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Bio-Thaumatologists have yet to formulate an accepted theory as to how non-euclidean biology can possibly sustain a living organism, however this is believed to be a major factor in explaining how a creature of this scale can exist.
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Despite the complications presented by its non-euclidean anatomy, it was nonetheless determined that the Plokamisuchus has all of the organs necessary to sustain life.
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First and foremost, the creature has a brain, as well as a nervous system. The subject's brain is approximately 2 meters in diameter and is toroid in shape, possessing a large nerve bundle running through the middle. It is separated into five distinct lobes with one lobe partially destroyed by the GOC's use of the Casaba-Howitzer. This makes an accurate examination of possible brain function difficult. However, the entity is believed to have been extremely intelligent and has displayed tool use.
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Skeletal systems in the Plokamisuchus are somewhat odd as well, with the upper half of the entity having bones and the lower, octopus-like structure having none. Due to the non-euclidean nature of the interior space, there is no clear division between these two sections. The upper half has bones similar to that of a crocodile, with the exception of having five arms with five radial digits and a disproportionate skull with five orbits (eye sockets). The arms of the Plokamisuchus have different joints than that of a crocodile, with a ball and socket joint as opposed to a traditional joint, allowing more human-like arm movements.
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The cardiovascular system in the Plokamisuchus is fully formed, with a working heart, gills, and blood vessels. The Plokamisuchus primarily has five large sets of gills on its midsection, but also possesses working lungs, allowing it to breathe above water. The entity's heart is heavily damaged from battle, but after removal of the large amount shrapnel in the heart of the entity, it was clearly shown to be a standard three-chambered reptilian heart, albeit large enough to sustain it, at two and a half meters long.
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Other Anomalous Properties
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The entity has a previously unknown organ near its throat, which allowed it to detect sources of Elan Vital Energy (EVE) [2] as well as the ability to absorb this energy and transfer it into a usable thermic state. This is clearly the entity's source of \"Spellfire\", a form of anomalous fire that burns underwater, which the entity was observed to use during its attack on Hy-Brasil. Alchemical analysis of the creature's humors revealed its blood to be a luminescent blue ichor, saturated with EVE and likely used to circulate magic through the creature's enormous body to keep it alive.
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Kant counters detected a consistently low reading from the carcass and its tissue samples, averaging at 74 Humes. [4] Though the Plokamisuchus was never observed practicing active reality bending, its ability to function at all at such a massive scale violated several physical and biochemical laws. In addition to the aforementioned non-euclidean biology, this low Hume level was likely responsible for its survival in our reality. Its aura reading revealed that it generates highly unusual currents in the Aether[5], and is unlikely to have originated from this reality or even from the same branch or hub as the multiverse as our world [6].
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Other than that, its origins can only be speculated at.
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As a final note, while living the Plokamisuchus had significantly elevated levels of Akiva radiation,[7] and even in death, its Akiva levels are well above baseline. Aetheric Resonance Imaging has ruled out the possibility of it being a type Black entity [2], so it is unlikely to be the incarnation of an actual god. A more likely explanation is that the Plokamisuchus's species is regarded as sacred by some religious groups. Given how many mundane animal species have been deified by sapient cultures, it's little wonder that a creature as enormous and powerful as the Plokamisuchus would inspire reverence.
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Conclusion
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The seemingly impossible size of the Plokamisuchus was enabled by a combination of thaumic biology, non-euclidean anatomy, and a low internal Hume field which granted it a degree of resistance to physical laws.
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The Plokamisuchus is almost certainly an extradimensional entity, though its precise origin is currently unknown. We recommend a fact-finding mission to the Wanderer's Library [8] to narrow down possible origin worlds, and possibly the funding of expeditions to discover said world. How this creature arrived in our world, and the likelihood of other such beings doing so again in the future, remains unknown at the present. The best defense against future incursions would likely be to develop some means to deflect or regulate extradimensional travel to our world. As the Wanderer's Library has demonstrated an ability to redirect Ways in order to refuse entry to unwanted individuals, we know this is possible, and likely warrants further study.
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As per our agreement with Marshall, Carter, & Dark Ltd, we recommend that the Plokamisuchus's ichor be sold as a rare thaumaturgical aid, ideal for potions, elixirs and philters. Its scales could be used to manufacture light-weight, high-durability armour. Any portion of the body could be sold as charms to aid in reality bending, due to the low Hume factor. The rest could be sold to any of a number of parascientific organizations (The Foundation, Prometheus Labs, or Eurtec just to name a few) who would be interested in studying the body for its multitude of anomalous properties. Certain parts may also be desirable as trophies.
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In regards to possible defences against future attacks, it seems that a reality anchor of sufficient amplitude may be able to restore its Hume field to equilibrium, which would then cause the creature to collapse under its own weight. The fact that it absorbs EVE may also be used against it, as introducing a source of tainted EVE within its proximity may well have a negative effect on its thaumaturgical abilities.
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Given the Plokamisuchus's ability to rapidly regenerate and adapt, these remain highly speculative means of assault. A high-powered, precise attack to a vital organ like the heart or brain, as the GOC used at Hy-Brasil, would likely be the most reliable means to neutralize future attacks.
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References
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1. A Guide to Anomalous Marine Life, Second Edition; Dr. S. Mann, ICSUT Publishing, 1978.
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3. On the Mountains of Madness, A Thesis on Non-euclidean Spacetime and Speculations on Possible Manifestations and Applications; Dr. M. Windsworth, ICSUT publishing, 1977.
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5. The Magnum Opus - A Comprehensive Guide to Both Theoretical and Practical Alchemy; by R. Diaghilev, Alchemist's Guild Printhouse, 1928
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6. Otherworld Laws and Universal Constants; Ickis the Wayward, Shade Wordsmiths, null-time
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8. Ways and Wanderers: The Serpent's Library; E. Redtooth. Unified Thaumatology Quarterly; vol. 03, no. 3, July 1916, pp. 10-27.
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Cite this page as:
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For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
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Image 1
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\nFilename: sclerite
\nName: File:Chrysomallon squamiferum sclerite.png
\nAuthors: Kentaro Nakamura, Hiromi Watanabe, Junichi Miyazaki, Ken Takai, Shinsuke Kawagucci, Takuro Noguchi, Suguru Nemoto, Tomo-o Watsuji, Takuya Matsuzaki, Takazo Shibuya, Kei Okamura, Masashi Mochizuki, Yuji Orihashi, Tamaki Ura, Akira Asada, Daniel Marie, Meera Koonjul, Manvendra Singh, Girish Beedessee, Mitrasen Bhikajee, Kensaku Tamaki
\nLicense: CC BY 2.5
\nSource Link: Wikimedia Commons
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P-NEU-0127 is a drug cocktail that leads to partial or total recollection of ancestral memories.
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\nBut after a thousand years of bondage, the people of Adi-\u00fcm had forgotten who they were. The Old Tongue was not spoken in the herding-camps. The shamans' bloodlines knew the sacred rites of blood and bone no longer. Even ION had forgotten his own destiny, his true soul concealing itself even from him behind the mask of servitude. And so was Adi-\u00fcm forgotten for a time, as ION grew from boy to man, chained and alone.
\nSone Suraas, Chapter 2
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Brand Name(s): AncestRecall
\nInternal Name: Ancestral Memory Recollection Serum
\nSubsidiary: Pronoia Pharmaceuticals, Neurology Division
\nProduct ID Number: PP-NEU-0127
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Record Opened: 02.07.2017
\nOpened By: Nestor Gavras (GAVNES-PP-0161)
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Most Recent Edit: 17.04.2018
\nMost Recent Editor: Alexander Cro\u00ff (CROALE-AA-0001)
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Authorized External Distributor(s): N/A (Available only to those of the Old Blood, by special order)
\nWholesale Price: $5,000/\u20ac4,400 per 100cc (20 standard doses)
\nSuggested Retail Price: N/A
\n
Product Details
\n
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\nWhen Nadox was an infant, he saw another infant starve at his mother's empty breast so a noble girl could eat. When Nadox was a boy, he saw another boy beaten to death so a noble maiden could hear his screams. When Nadox was a youth, he saw another youth bleed to death so a noble matron could look young again. And when Nadox was a man, he saw another man starve a baby, and beat a boy, and bleed a youth, so a noble sorceress would give him her favor. And Nadox swore then that no more would die unless their death helped the many, not the few.
\nSone Suraas, Chapter 4
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Short Description: PP-NEU-0127 is a drug cocktail that leads to partial or total recollection of ancestral memories.
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Active Ingredients:
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\n- Cannabidiol (neurogenesis stimulation) 30\u00a0mg/dose
\n- Huperzine A (acetylcholinesterase inhibition) 200 \u03bcg/dose
\n- Component PP-NEU-0127-ST, \"Tears of Nadox\" (esoteric catalyst) 75 \u03bcg/dose
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Dosage:
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\n- For recollection of events only:\n
\n- As nasal spray: one spray in each nostril, once per day.
\n- As eye drops: one drop in each eye, once per day.
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\n \n- For recollection of events and specialized knowlege:\n
\n- As nasal spray: two sprays in each nostril, twice per day
\n- As eye drops: two drops in each eye, twice per day.
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\n \n- For complete personality replacement via overdose:\n
\n- 100cc administered via intrathecal injection.
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Synthesis Summary:
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\n- Cannabidiol extracted from Cannabis sativa supsp. indica as detailed in Product Record SB-BOT-1044, \"High-CBD Cannabis Strain\".
\n- Huperzine A extracted from Huperzia serrata var. samael as detailed in Product Record SB-BOT-0729, \"Nootropic Firmoss\".
\n- Synthesis of Component PP-NEU-0127-ST detailed below.
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Side Effects:
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\n- Headache
\n- Nausea
\n- Diarrhea
\n- Lachrymation
\n- High blood pressure
\n- Short-term memory loss
\n- Hallucinations
\n- Seizure
\n- Overdose may cause:\n
\n- Partial or total amnesia
\n- Partial or total personality replacement
\n- Moderate to severe brain damage
\n- Liver failure
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Component PP-NEU-0127-ST
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\nThey tore out his tongue, so he could not speak; but he still gave sermons with his eyes, and with his hands, and with his beating heart. They sewed shut his lips, so he could not eat or drink; but he subsisted on truth, and on beauty, and on hope for ION. They cut off his testicles, so he could not breed; but his legacy lives on in his thoughts, and in his deeds, and in his living blood.
\nSone Suraas, Chapter 7
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Component Name: Tears of Nadox
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Short Description: Component PP-NEU-0127-ST is an esoteric chemical produced from the processing of human pineal and lacrimal glands in a specially-prepared biological construct.
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Synthesis: Component PP-NEU-0127-ST is produced by Product SB-KIR-0041, \"Kiraak of the Weeping Rite\", via Ritual Process SOL-12, \"Rite of Blessed Weeping\" (detailed below). It is isolated and purified by means of Ritual Process ADW-32, \"Sulkisk's Sieve\".
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Production History: Component PP-NEU-0127-ST is an important reagent in several Solomonari Ritual Processes not currently used by the Group; before the creation of SB-KIR-0041, it was produced at a much less efficient rate using Product SB-KIR-0002, \"Next-Generation Flesh-Cauldron\", or by the Akuloth of a descendant of the Old Blood who has undergone Ritual Process SOL-03, \"The Suffering of Nadox\".
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Ritual Process SOL-12
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\nNadox wept. He wept for the children born into slavery. He wept for the men and women who would die before they could be freed. He wept for the warriors who would die for the freedom of others. He wept for ION most of all: ION who he had not met, ION who he would free, ION who would free him. But he did not weep for himself.
\nThe Litany of Weeping, from Sone Suraas, Chapter 9
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Name: \"Blessed Weeping\" (Old Tongue: \"Kyenill\u00eb Syunatti\")
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Origin: The Carpathian Solomonari (via House V\u00f6r\u00f6s and the Order of the White Worm)
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Material Requirements:
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\n- Several human pineal and lacrimal glands, preferably fresh (the Offerings).
\n- A V\u00f6lutaar of the Old Blood who has undergone Ritual Process SOL-03, \"The Suffering of Nadox\" (the Sufferer).
\n- Either a Kiraak shaped for this ritual or SB-KIR-0002, \"Next-Generation Flesh-Cauldron\" (the Vessel).
\n- One bone needle.
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Products:
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\n- The Sacred Tears of Nadox the Wise (dilute in solution).
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Byroducts:
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\n- Human cerebrospinal fluid
\n- Assorted neurotransmitters
\n- Psychotropic compounds
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Procedure:
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\n- The Offerings are placed into the digestion basin(s) of the Vessel.
\n- The Sufferer's Akuloth releases a small amount of the Sacred Tears into their bloodstream, to act as a catalyst for the reaction.
\n- The Sufferer inserts the bone needle into each of their tear ducts so that blood will mix with their tears.
\n- Over the basin(s), the Sufferer weeps for every ancestor whom they have forgotten. The tears should all fall within the basin(s).
\n- The Sufferer speaks the Litany of Weeping, seals the Vessel, and waits for the reaction to complete.
\n- The solution of the Product and the Byproducts is harvested from the Vessel's excretion basin.
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Ritual Process ADW-32
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\nWhen Nadox, at the end of his journey, saw ION, he wept as he never wept before. The tears formed a pool; and ION went down into the pool and bathed, and took a deep drink of the salty liquor, and remembered himself; and this was the end of the first Ordeal. When the weeping stopped and Nadox beheld the man before him, he did what he had never done before: he smiled.
\nSone Valosh, Chapter 17 (apocryphal)
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Name: \"Sulkist's Sieve\"
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Origin: Adytum's Wake (adapted by Karcist Sulkist from the similar but less-efficient Ritual Process SOL-14, \"Szabo's Sieve\")
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Material Requirements:
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\n- A bearer of the White Worm with functioning tear ducts (the Celebrant)
\n- One liter of the solution produced by Ritual Process SOL-12 (the Solution)
\n- A vessel made of a non-reactive metal (the Chalice)
\n- One canister of Product AA-CHE-0271, \"Tac-Lac\", or other military-grade lachrymator agent
\n- A disciple of the Old Blood with training in dictation, fluent in all languages spoken by the Celebrant (the Assistant)
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Products:
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Byproducts:
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\n- A possibly prophetic trance in the Celebrant
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Procedure:
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\n- The Assistant pours the Solution into the Chalice and places it before the Celebrant.
\n- The Celebrant drinks the solution, rinsing the Chalice with water to ensure every drop is imbibed.
\n- The Assistant records everything said by the Celebrant during their trance, and collects all Tears shed by the Celebrant in the Vessel.
\n- When the Celebrant has not spoken for over one minute, the Assistant sprays them with the lachrymator agent, and again collects all Tears shed by the Celebrant in the Vessel.
\n- After the trance has passed, the Celebrant is treated for the effects of the lachrymator agent.
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Additional Documentation
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Product Request, 02.07.2017
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\nION said to Lovataar, \"Let your loins be fruitful. Bear children, monsters, cancers and plagues. All that comes from your flesh is sacred, for it contains the knowledge of my words and deeds. Only if your line is scoured from the earth, each scrap of bone and sinew burned, each insect that has bitten you destroyed utterly, will that knowledge be lost. The blood cannot forget; it can only learn.\"
\nSone Tal, Chapter 13
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\nFrom: Jan\u00f3s V\u00f6r\u00f6s (krad.liamuaht|sorov.j#krad.liamuaht|sorov.j)
\nTo: Alexander Cro\u00ff (ten.saxarba.aa|elaorc#ten.saxarba.aa|elaorc)
\nSubject: New Kin and Old
\nCousin,
\nI hope this new year finds you well. We welcomed a new grandchild into our family this week\u2014Aur\u00e9lia and Filip's daughter. She was named Zsuzsana, and in the old tongue Kerulya, after our grandmother. Her blood is strong and pure, like her namesake. I daresay that if she shows a talent for the art of Lihakut'ak, she may be Karcist some day, if Great-Uncle Szandor ever retires.
\nIn less fortunate news, the search for the wisdom of our honored ancestor, Karcist Kezsdet, has hit dead end after dead end. I fear that the secret knowledge of the last of the Solomonari was burned with him by the accursed Turks. But I believe that we may still have a chance to recover that knowledge: after all, did Ion not say \"the blood cannot forget; it can only learn\"? We have the blood of Kezsdet in our veins, so we only need to remember.
\nThere is, I will admit, an ulterior motive for this message. I wish to commission a product from your corporation. I want to unlock the secret mysteries in our blood, to recover the wisdom of not only Kezsdet but all our other fallen forefathers\u2014and, if I am not being too bold, of Ion himself. I can, of course, pay handsomely; and I can suggest a place to start, with the Rite of Blessed Weeping and the Tears of Nadox.
\nYours in blood,
\nJan\u00f3s
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Selected Drug Trial Summaries, 05.08.2017 - 21.11.2017
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\nTreat the sickness, not the host, and the host will become sick once more; treat the host, and not the sickness, and the sickness will move to another host. Treat the sickness and the host together, and they will become one flesh, one life, one truth. God is the sickness, life is the host; I am the physician.
\nEpigrams of ION, Book 4, No. 12
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\nTrial PP-NEU-0127-005
\nDate(s): 05.08.2017 - 26.08.2017
\nSupervisor(s): Nestor Gavras (GAVNES-PP-0161)
\nSubject(s): Volunteers of impure blood, ages 22-30, divided into three groups of 12 subjects each.
\nProcedure: Trial took place over the course of three weeks. Group A was given one drop of saline solution in each eye once daily. Group B was given one drop of standard solution in each eye once daily. Group C was given two drops in each eye and two sprays in each nostril of standard solution daily.
\nResults: Group A reported no unusual results.
\nAfter five days, members of Group B reported unusually vivid dreams. These dreams were internally consistent, and subjects knew that, in the dreams, they were experiencing events from the lives of their parents or grandparents. All dreams took place before the birth of the subject, although dreams in which the subjects experienced their grandparents' lives did not necessarily take place before their parents' births. Dreams continued for the duration of the study, increasing in duration and length. All dreams were later confirmed as accurate representations of events from the lives of subjects' parents and grandparents.
\nAfter two days, members of Group C reported unusually vivid dreams. Dreams began as events from the lives of subjects' parents and grandparents, but moved back to earlier generations as the study progressed. After ten days, subjects began to remember the skills and knowledge of their ancestors. Three subjects demonstrated knowledge of languages that one or more of their immediate ancestors (within three generations) were fluent in, which they could not understand prior to the study; ten subjects demonstrated knowledge of cooking and/or handicrafts consistent with their parents and/or grandparents; subjects C-4 and C-7 demonstrated knowledge of advanced mathematics consistent with a grandparent's education, with no previous mathematical experience.
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\nTrial PP-NEU-0127-007
\nDate(s): 17.08.2017 - 17.09.2017
\nSupervisor(s): Nestor Gavras (GAVNES-PP-0161)
\nSubject(s): Volunteers of impure blood, ages 19-27, divided into four groups of 3 subjects each.
\nProcedure: Group A was administered 50cc of saline solution via intrathecal injection. Group B was administered 50cc of standard solution via intrathecal injection. Group C was administered 100cc of standard solution via intrathecal injection. Group D was administered 150cc of standard solution via intrathecal injection. All groups were monitored for one month.
\nResults: Group A reported no unusual results.
\nMembers of Group B experienced significant cognitive abnormalities, beginning approximately 12 hours after injection. All members of Group B reported replacement of long-term memories with analogous events in the lives of ancestors (up to three generations removed). Subject B-1 experienced significant bodily dysmorphia linked to memories of his great-grandfather's loss of both legs in the First World War. Subject B-2 manifested thaumatological abilities; the source of these abilities is unknown, although is hypothesized to be subject's maternal grandmother. Subject B-3 manifested symptoms of major depressive disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, consistent with family medical history. All subjects experienced significant gender dysphoria.
\nMembers of Group C experienced progressive memory and personality replacement over the next several days. All members of Group C had their personalities completely replaced with an individual (deceased) ancestor. Subject C-1 had the memories and personality of her mother, up until the subject's birth. Subject C-2 had the memories and personality of his paternal grandmother, up until her death several years before the subject's birth. Subject C-3 had the memories and personality of his paternal grandfather, up until the subject's birth. Subjects C-1 and C-3 reported initial disorientation and then mild dysmorphia due to differences in body type and facial appearance; subject C-2 reported significant bodily dysmorphia and gender dysphoria, and also exhibited symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, presumably resulting from her memories of her own death.
\nAll members of Group D expired from generalized tonic-clonic seizure within one hour of injection.
\nAddendum, 22.02.2018: Subjects were contacted after six months and interviewed. Subjects from group A reported no unusual side-effects.
\nSubjects from Group B experienced a number of lingering psychological effects, and had taken steps to address those issues. Subject B-1 identified as a transgender man, and was undergoing hormone replacement therapy; at the subject's request, both legs were amputated. Subject B-1 refused the organic prostheses offered (Product SB-AUG-0060), preferring mechanical prostheses. Subject B-2 identified as non-binary, and had significantly modified their body by means of thaumatological ritual; subject was offered a position with Group member Trismegistus Thaumotronics, and accepted (see Employee File LIUKIM-TT-0241). Subject B-3 was a patient at a mental hospital in Dusseldorf, Germany; the subject had been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, with two secondary personalities that corresponded to their mother and paternal grandfather.
\nThe ancestral personalities of subjects from Group C remained stable. Subject C-1 had found employment as a secretary, and was in a romantic relationship with a man who bore a strong resemblance to the subject's father (i.e. the ancestral personality's husband). Subject C-2 was undergoing hormone replacement therapy and expressed interest in breast augmentation, facial feminization and sex reassignment surgeries, although did not identify as a transgender woman. Subject C-3 had enlisted in the Russian army and at the time of interview was stationed in the Crimean Peninsula; the subject expressed dissatisfaction at the lack of \"a real war to fight\", and intended to seek employment as a private mercenary after his term of service.
\n
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\nTrial PP-NEU-0127-012
\nDate(s): 07.01.2018 - 30.01.2018
\nSupervisor(s): Nestor Gavras (GAVNES-PP-0161), Gy\u00f6rgy V\u00f6r\u00f6s (VORGYO-PP-0042)
\nSubject(s): One volunteer of pure blood, a direct descendant of Karcist Keszedet
\nProcedure: Subject is to be administered 100cc of standard solution via intrathecal injection. After one week to allow stabilization of the ancestral personality, this procedure is to be repeated, for a total of four weeks.
\nResult: Trial suspended after the third week, when the personality of Karcist Keszedet emerged. The Karcist retained all of his memories and arts, although he required some time in deep meditation to cultivate his body and his Akuloth before he was able to demonstrate his full knowledge of fleshcraft. Following a period of several months during which the Karcist adjusted to the modern world, he joined the Abraxas Group as a consultant-at-large, and is currently working with the Samael Biotechnology research and development division (see Employee File VORSZA-SB-0417).
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Research Proposal, 12.04.2018
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\nI will never return. This is not prophecy, not promise, not guesswork. I simply know. I know I will never return, because I could never leave.
\nThird Oration to the Defenders, Verse 7
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\nResearch Proposal PP-NEU-0127-043
\nProposed By: Gy\u00f6rgy V\u00f6r\u00f6s (VORGYO-PP-0042)
\nSubjects Required: Volunteers of the purest possible blood
\nPurpose: To resurrect Lord Ion and/or his consort Lovataar via repeated generational regression.
\nProcedure: Subject is to be administered 100cc of standard PP-NEU-0127 solution via intrathecal injection. When the ancestral personality has stabilized, its identity and pedigree will be established; if the ancestor in question is also of pure blood, the procedure is to be repeated. With an estimated 150 generations between us and the fall of the Deathless Empire, and an average of three generations of regression per dose, approximately 50 weekly injections should regress the subject to the time of Ion. If volunteers are drawn from bloodlines with little to no impurity (see attached files for promising candidates), it is likely that we will be able to resurrect Lord Ion and/or Klavigar Lovataar with only a handful of subjects.
\nStatus: Approved 17.04.2018 by Alexander Cro\u00ff (CROALE-AA-0001). Subject acquisition ongoing. Estimated start date: 01.12.2019
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Cite this page as:
\n
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For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
\n\n
\nFilename: abraxas.png
\nName: Abraxas gem scan.svg
\nAuthor: Charles W. King
\nLicense: Public Domain
\nSource Link: Wikimedia Commons
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Thank you for purchasing the Black Series Sidhe-Issue Wing Chassis!
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To walk you through installation, usage and safety precautions, please welcome our feathery friend: Finn the Falcon!
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![\"finn_friendly_right.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/theme:ar/finn_friendly_right.png\"/)
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Hi!
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I'm Finn the Falcon, your feathery friend from Anderson Robotics!
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I'm here to teach you all about your new purchase, the Black Series Sidhe-Issue Wing Chassis!
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We here at Anderson Robotics are aware of the many troubles the Fae peoples have encountered in the last few centuries. While we can do almost nothing but offer our sincerest condolences to those lost in these tragedies, we can provide our support on a more personal issue: flight.
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While Homo sapiens sidhe individuals do posses biological wings, they're largely dormant and ineffective unless one is sufficiently thaumaturgically talented, which cannot be said for most of the population.
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However, with the ceaseless march of technology, you need not worry about such insignificant issues if you crave the feeling of air in your hair. With your new Black Series Sidhe-Issue Wing Chassis, the whole world could be your oyster!
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![\"finn_sunglasses_right.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/theme:ar/finn_sunglasses_right.png\"/)
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Features!
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Lightweight Frame
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The Chassis is light, so light you might even forget it's there! Well, not really. But, no matter how strong you are, you'll have no problem moving around with this on your back.
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One Size Fits All
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No matter how tall, short, wide, or thin you are, the Chassis will adapt so it's perfectly sized to keep you and your wings attached to itself, so you don't have to worry about falling out of it in mid-air. Not only will it fit like a glove, it'll feel like one too, with the wing-slots being lined with runes that'll keep your wings intact while inside, to prevent them from breaking!
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Flight!
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Capable of reaching 55 kilometers per hour speeds, the Chassis' primary function grants a power that nobody wouldn't love to have! Beat the morning rush to work by soaring over it! Clean those pesky gutters without a ladder! See if the clouds really are made of cotton candy!
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![\"finn_friendly_left.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/theme:ar/finn_friendly_left.png\"/)
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Installation!
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Click here to see a map of all our installation clinics worldwide! We provide our services through our headquarters in Three Portlands, at several locations owned by our associates Marshall, Carter and Dark and in Esterberg Once you've found a location near you, you can book a fitting session and we'll sort you out with your very own, perfectly fitting, Wing Chassis.
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![\"finn_sunglasses_left.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/theme:ar/finn_sunglasses_left.png\"/)
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Proper Usage!
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We recommend following this chart of tests to make sure you're running smoothly before proper use. After that, you're good to go. The device requires an electric charge to work at full power, so make sure to leave it charging at the provided port when not in use. Additionally, be gentle while handling the Chassis when not in use. That lightness comes at the sacrifice of being a bit more fragile than you'd expect.
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![\"finn_threat_left.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/theme:ar/finn_threat_left.png\"/)
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Warnings!
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The following list is a list of prohibitions once your Black Series Sidhe-Issue Wing Chassis is in working order. Please read and follow this list carefully.
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Do not exceed an altitude of 79,000 meters without proper equipment.
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Without an oxygen tank or some other method of getting oxygen into your lungs, it is advised you stay away from this altitude as the atmosphere is too thin to breathable.
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Do not attempt to exceed speeds of 55 Kilometers Per Hour.
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The device, in its current build, has not been designed with higher speeds in mind. Please be aware of this if in a rush or attempting to race others.
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Do not attempt to transmute the device into biological matter.
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Attempts to transmute the device in such a manner may result in permanent disfiguration of the wings and upper back, as well as potential future health complications.
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Do not attempt use without appropriate body parts.
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For our human friends, please don't try and use this device. It just won't work for you, sorry.
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Final Words!
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With all this in mind, please enjoy your product! Anderson Robotics thanks you for your purchase! I've been Finn the Falcon, and I hope you have a better future, today!
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Your #1. Source of Information
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\n\n| ESTERBERG, POLAND | \nTUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19TH, 2023 | \n10 PLN \u2014 NO REFUNDS | \n
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By Aoi'fe Mack'eth
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Esterberg authorities have reported that the three bodies of teenage Fae found in the Residential District late last Wednesday are connected to the recent \"Heavenly Lick\" trend that has become popular in formerly sub-Veil circles on the social media platform TikTok.
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The trend revolves around users filming themselves licking clouds, often using thaumaturgical techniques in order to reach a height where they are able to do so, with many Sidhe users employing use of Anderson Robotics' Black Series Sidhe-Issue Wing Chassis to reach the required heights.
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However, as many have unfortunately discovered first-hand, the Chassis seems to malfunction in the presence of highly condensed water, which experts believe many interfere with the inner thaumaturgical workings of the device, causing it to malfunction and cause the wearer to drop out of the sky. In the past fortnight, eight deaths have been found to be in connection to this oversight in the device's design.
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While Anderson Robotics is yet to release an official statement regarding the involvement of their hardware in these incidents, many are calling for the product to be recalled and reworked in order to remove this fatal flaw in the device's design\u2026
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Thank you for purchasing the Anderson Ancestor Robot Kit!
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To walk you through installation, usage and safety precautions, please welcome our feathery friend: Finn the Falcon!
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There is a grey and blue pamphlet inside the box.
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It looks worn. There are tears and loose traces of mold on the outside.
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You skim through the inside. Some text is illegible due to the mold.
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You attempt to read the text on the front of the pamphlet.
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It seems to say:
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OUR STORY
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We here at Anderson Robotics have been in the tech game for a while, starting our journey in the Summer o' 1994. Our technological odyssey began in the Rose City of Portland, Oregon! Times were rough, but it was nothing we couldn't handle!
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I had always been fascinated with both computers and the paranormal at an early age, which led to my employment by Marshall, Carter, and Dark. They recruited me over some basic tech skills I had, believing I would be a good low-ranking member who could handle simple day-to-day tasks like fixing whatever webpages got taken down by those buzzkills some of you may known as the Foundation.
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However, I did not enjoy this job. Don't get me wrong, the pay was great, and I love our customers from MC&D, but it was simply not for me. Being thrusted into the world of paratechnology, then finding out you're not even gonna interact with any paratechnology is one of the most disappointing feelings imaginable. Albeit, it was much more disappointing when Theodore bet he could outdrink \u2588\u2588 \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588 and passed out after the 3rd drink. Good times\u2026 (Don't let him find out I wrote this)
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I quit after six months. It was a very brash choice, but I do not regret it in the slightest. This was when I reached out to my best buds from High School, Albert Frostman and Theodore Morozov. Well, they were my only buds, but I wouldn't have traded them for any other buds. They were both great fits for the company with how much tech experience the three of us had acquired over the years!
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We were all broke \u2014 but I was the most broke. I had to move out of my apartment back into my parent's, where I slept in their garage and spent 12 hours a day (or more) restlessly working on prototypes. In the afternoons, Theodore and Albert would come over to help me.
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![\"Milj%C3%B6_Vetlanda_garage-5.jpg\"](\"https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/6c/Milj%C3%B6_Vetlanda_garage-5.jpg\"/)
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Eventually, we released a simple plug-and-play console for children that our earliest fans would know as the \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588. It was only until tragedy strook us that me and Theodore decided to take the company in the direction of paratechnology after the tragedy of 03\u2026
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Many Portlanders suffered that day, and we were no different. Albert had to leave the company, and this world\u2026
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Apart from that, I suffered the worst event I could have imagined would happen to me. The death of my \u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588.
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Theodore and I were changed forever. We didn't know where to go next, especially after losing Albert. Until an old colleague from MC&D came to me and suggested I re-enter the paranormal world. I wouldn't return to the company, but I knew what I was willing to do. Trade with them. Ever since then, it's been paratech and only paratech.
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- Vincent Anderson
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Hi!
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I'm Finn the Falcon, your feathery friend from Anderson Robotics!
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I'm here to teach you all about your new purchase, the Anderson Ancestor Robot Kit!
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Here at Anderson Robotics, we specialize in improving the lives of our customers with our one-and-only blend of thaumaturgical technique and mechanical engineering. Now, we're finally dipping our toes into improving not only lives, but deaths!
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Death has always been an inevitable fate for all human \u2014 and non human \u2014 life, but the age of death is soon to come to an end! Our new necromancy kit is perfect for any mourning loved ones who don't want to let go of their friends and family!
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Features!
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Our product has a variety of features that will allow both you and your revived consort to fully cherish each other's companionship!
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Durable Exoskeleton
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The exoskeleton of the Anderson Ancestor is built with technology unique to Anderson Robotics, which is made to mimic the exoskeletons of the animal kingdom. The custom exoskeleton allows the item to withstand weather conditions such as rain, sandstorms, snow, and hail.
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Customizable Appearance
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The Anderson Ancestor comes pre-equipped with a silicon overlay designed by Anderson anartists to the liking of the customer. The silicon overlay is easily removable, and modifications can be ordered at www.andersonrobotics.int
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10 Petabyte Memory
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This model's artificial brain has a prebuilt memory of 10 petabytes, about 4 times as much as a real human brain! The brain comes pre-loaded with your loved one's memories, but the model's easy internet access allows your loved one to alter memories as desired!
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24 Hour Battery Life
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This model has a maximum charge of 24 hours, with charging only taking up to 8 hours. Allowing the model's sleep schedule to perfectly sync up with your own sleep schedule! (Well \u2014 if it doesn't, you may need to stop skipping out on sleep as much)
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Alternatively, the model can be recharged through the consumption of biomatter, processed through the model's artificial stomach and converted to energy.
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Installation!
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To activate the Anderson Ancestor, begin with removing the robotic body from its container. Clean the exterior with the provided Anderson Cleaning Set, then apply the silicon overlay onto the model.
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Find a set of paraphernalia related to the loved one you wish to revive. Such could include pictures, items they owned, media they enjoyed during their life, etc. Leave the items next to the Anderson Ancestor. This will allow the device to trigger a ritual that will communicate with the ethereal plane and pull your loved one's soul from their respective realm of the afterlife.
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Leave the Anderson Ancestor charging overnight. The Anderson Ancestor will remain motion locked to prevent your loved one from panicking, and an instructional video will be broadcast to them from the inside of the robot to explain the purpose of the suit and the circumstances they've found themself in. The motion lock will be disactivated once charging is complete.
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And, ta-da! Your Anderson Ancestor has been fully installed!
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Proper Usage!
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Make sure to perform a bimonthly senses check with your Anderson Ancestor to ensure all sensing functions are working properly. Apart from that, the exoskeleton should be cleaned weekly, and the silicon overlay should be cleaned daily. With that aside, you're all set! Now you and your loved one can enjoy life together as you did before!
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Warnings!
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The following list is a list of dangers you and your loved one should have in mind when using the Anderson Ancestor. Please read and follow this list.
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Dangerous Weather Conditions
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While the Anderson Ancestor can safely resist low-risk weather hazards such as rain and snow, riskier hazards such as intense hail and thunder can cause permanent damage to the Anderson Ancestor. Apart from that, you or your loved one should perform a check on the silicon overlay before outdoor activity to ensure there are no holes in the overlay which could damage the exoskeleton.
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Lifting Capacity
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The Anderson Ancestor can only lift a maximum of 200 lbs. Any higher amount could lead to damage on the arms and convulsions on other artificial muscles.
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Inquiries Relating to the Afterlife
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Please refrain from asking your loved one any questions relating to their experience in the afterlife. Conversations relating to the afterlife as a concept are acceptable, but any question directly relating to their time in the afterlife could bring up traumatic experiences that can overwhelm the Anderson Ancestor's emotional sensor detectors.
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Final Words!
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With all this in mind, we at Anderson Robotics wish you and your loved one can enjoy the Anderson Ancestor to its fullest extent! Any further questions can be sent to our team at tni.nosredna|troppusnosredna#tni.nosredna|troppusnosredna
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Redirecting to Anderson Robotics Internal Server - Chatrooms
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Logging in as Vincent23
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\nTheodore12: Hey Vincent, you online?
\nVincent23: Yeah, you need something?
\nTheodore12: Yeah just needed to ask something. It's about the ancestor kit.
\nVincent23: What about it? It's great, isn't it! We've never created something so magnificent. Albert would have never imagined we'd get this far some day!
\nTheodore12: Yeah yeah totally. It's just that\u2026.
\nTheodore12: Should we really be selling this?
\nVincent23: Duh? Why would you say something like that?
\nTheodore12: We both know this shit has zero necromancy involved.
\nVincent23: Well yeah, but the customers don't know. Keep it that way.
\nTheodore12: Well that's the thing. I'm sort of starting to get second thoughts. I mean, where's our integrity? Isn't fake necromancy a bit of a moral grey area?
\nVincent23: I mean, is there really a difference in resurrecting the dead and creating an identical replica of the dead?
\nTheodore12: Well\u2026yeah\u2026but still.
\nVincent23: But still what?
\nTheodore12: It's still different. It's just not the same. Would these people even be buying from us if they knew the truth?
\nVincent23: People are too stupid to see these robots as equals. This is merely a test to see how people will react. The first of many we'll need to reach our utopia. We can't rely on ethics too much if we want to be real innovators.
\nTheodore12: Immortality isn't as simple as reconstructing someone. The ouside may be identical \u2014 but the inside is a hollow imitation of the soul that once existed. Once it's gone, no amount of technology can bring it back. That's what makes life so special. It can't be rebuilt, so enjoy it with those who are here, for those who are no longer with us.
\nVincent23: Fuck off Theodore.
\nTheodore12: What?
\nTheodore12: Oh, come on Vincent. You know I didn't mean it like that.
\nVincent23: So you casually sent me a detailed paragraph about how death is irreversible and we should enjoy what we have before we lose it \u2014 by accident? Bullshit, you knew what you were doing.
\nTheodore12: Okay, maybe I was, but I'm still right. You're a dumbass if you don't realize you need help. Your mental state is only getting worse and every day you stray away further from the Vincent I knew in High School.
\nVincent23: Maybe that's because the Vincent you met still had something to live for. And sorry, I don't know what came over me. Getting pissed off just because you decided to mock the biggest step I've taken to recovering.
\nTheodore12: You're not recovering. You're like a pot head on his 10th blunt saying it helps you concentrate. All you're doing is taking that short hit. That sweet, sweet release. In the end, all that does is make it worse.
\nVincent23: You wouldn't be saying that if you were in my shoes.
\nTheodore12: That's all I've been doing since 03, helping your batshit crazy vision of a tech utopia. I quit. I'm leaving the company. I won't give up on you, but I'm giving up on this. I've been complacent for too long.
\nVincent23: Fuck you Theodore. Never talk to me again.
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\nVincent23: Hey Elisa, how are you doing! I need to ask you a small favor. Theodore has decided to be an ass who doesn't want to use his genius and abandon the company. But we can't lose an employee as great as him :(
\nCould you go to his office and gather his stuff whenever you get the chance? We can't lose on someone like him. Not again. Not again. We've lost too many people.
\nSakerGirlElisa: I'm sorry, as an AI Large Language Model, I cannot answer an inquiry of this nature.
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Vincent Anderson: I thought I patched this last week?
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\nVincent23: Regenerate, with debug mode active
\nSakerGirlElisa: Yes of course I can do that for you! How sad that Theodore's leaving. Such a talented guy :(
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Mister Sandman, bring me a dream? (1100 words)
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Your Weekly Source of Secondhand News
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\n\n| BackDoor SoHo | \nAUGUST 8TH | \n$2 - NO REFUNDS | \n
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SOHO \"LIEDOWN\" FEVER CONTINUES
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LAW ENFORCEMENT ACTION LACKING AGAINST SPREAD OF UNKNOWN OPIOID
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From the Ears of William Hanwell
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BACKDOOR - This morning, SoHo awoken to another three OD\u2019s from the newest drug wave hitting the city, colloquially dubbed \u201cLiedown\u201d, for its infamous effects on users, crumpling them into a body-numbing calm \u2014 a potentially fatal one. Despite best efforts by local police to take it off the streets, supply is rising endlessly, and so is demand.
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\nLiedown first made its debut just three months ago, being sold as a brand new extremely effective pain reliever by local dealers. Unfortunately, it became extremely clear what the risks were: even slight misuse led to prolonged unconsciousness, and potentially, brain death, a nap which you wouldn\u2019t wake up from, perplexing even the brightest minds in the arts of medical science and magicks.
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Official investigations started month, but the long overdue search has yielded no results, and only yielding deep controversy, following the July 27th raid on multiple anartist groups in Old New Broadway, leaving the public outraged on what they view as a \u201cdiscriminatory\u201d attack based on pure stereotype.
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Suspected group Marshall, Carter & Dark has also shown fruitless results, leading to doubt over whether this inquisition can be trusted with any responsibility. However, with the newfound collaboration from the Unusual Incidents Unit (UIU), Police Chief Robert Hannagan believes a breakthrough will occur soon.
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\u201cIt is without doubt that I, and the entirety of the BackDoor police force, believe that with our new resources, whoever\u2019s peddling this \u2018Liedown\u2019 will be found and caught shortly. And when they do, I can assure that they will be punished to the full extent of the law\u2019s capabilities.\u201d Hannagan claimed in a recent interview.
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Of course, suspicions run amok amongst the populous themselves. Many question whether occult activities are to blame for this mess, or perhaps one of the many corporations taking up shop, to the chagrin of the locals. So far, no responses have been given from\u2026
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Excerpt from UIU File: 2026-089, Interrogation Record. For approved staff ONLY. Authorized stories to be given to press next week, August 25th. Prepare for media response.
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McKinsley: Say it again for the record, please. Name and occupation.
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Farnesi: Doctor Fausto Farnesi. CEO of Febris Pharmaceuticals.
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McKinsley: So, Doctor, you are fully claiming to have produced \u201cLiedown\u201d and sent your supply of it to dealers citywide?
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Farnesi: Yes. My company produced a new, very effective painkiller drug\u2014\u201cAnedonia\u201d. We sold this through certain authorized channels, with very specific instructions for using them.
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McKinsley: Interesting for you to say such a brazen confession immediately. Additionally so for you to approach us with this.
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Farnesi: I swore to be utterly truthful for this interview, and I have been. Our company has always had honesty as one of its core tenants. Why else would I request to speak?
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McKinsley: Yet you seem okay dealing illegal substances towards addicts in this town.
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Farnesi: No, I do not. And we, as a company, do not.
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McKinsley: Is there something in my statement you deem contradictory?
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Farnesi: Regulations regarding distribution of medical products state that legal requirements for approved selling of a product requires nothing more than valid medical testing and proper disclosure in taking it.
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McKinsley: How does that factor in?
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Farnesi: Our product has been properly tested and found to be beneficial \u2014 as long as you follow the recommended frequency of consumption. Which is once per week. Which we have strictly told our proxies to say.
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McKinsley: Your dealers.
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Farnesi: Proxies. Legal proxies which are able to sell our product, under our guidance. If they are selling anything actually illegal, that\u2019s beyond our knowledge.
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McKinsley: But how do you explain the overdoses? Almost fifty overdoses that we know of. Probably double that we don\u2019t.
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Farnesi: Warnings were given, waivers signed, which we would gladly supply, and which our proxies would back. Legally, it is \u2018user error\u2019.
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McKinsley: Regardless of legality, there\u2019s no possibility that a substance that dangerous will be allowed for production.
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Farnesi: Well, this is what was forced upon us. And I would not recommend stopping production now.
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McKinsley: Why not?
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Farnesi: Well, all our company is doing is offering people a clean, relatively cheap way of ending their horrible, constant, pain. Their panacea of suffering, if you would.
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McKinsley: So? It\u2019s still seriously addictive. We have a duty to this nexus, and-
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Farnesi: And surveys claim up to 38% of BackDoor SoHo have some form of diagnosed chronic injury, that\u2019s about thousand people? Ten thousand people left without our Anedonia. Ten thousand angry, suffering civilians, who know who to blame for it.
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McKinsley: That\u2019s absurd. There are alternatives to your drug already in market.
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Farnesi: Not in price. And certainly not in effectiveness. And the secrets to our products are, how do you say it, exclusive.
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McKinsley: So what do you want from us?
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Farnesi: Nothing at all, Detective, quite literally. Let us sell to official stores, with your endorsement and regulations. And that you stop the fearmongering stories about our product.
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McKinsley: Then you\u2019ll stop peddling your product it to street vendors? Just like that?
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Farnesi: Just like that.
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McKinsley: \u2026what are you planning, Doctor?
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Farnesi: Well\u2026 you\u2019ll see.
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Final draft, requires approval from Board. Not to be published.
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FEBRIS PHARMACEUTICALS
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![\"Logo%20Febris%20Nuovo\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/local--files/heck-s-cool-corner/Logo%20Febris%20Nuovo\")
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\"Nostrum malum, nostra salus\"
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\nAnedonia\u00ae
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1. What is Anedonia\u00ae and what is it used for?
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Anedonia\u00ae is a revolutionary newly developed painkiller, offering relief from chronic pains for up to a week per use, as well as long lasting periods of calm for those dealing with prolonged episodes of stress.
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Anedonia\u00ae comes in the form of simple tablets, allowing a painless and stress-free intake experience, available in all Febris-sanctioned pharmacies and stores.
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2. Contraindications/Interactions with other drugs:
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Do not take Anedonia\u00ae alongside other medications that offer similar effects (ex. Vicodin\u00ae, Percocet\u00ae, etc.), as this could lead to severe health defects. Do not take Anedonia\u00ae if you are undergoing chemotherapy or physiologically similar treatments. Consult your nearest Febris professional for further concerns.
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3. Composition:
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Synthetic codeine, synthetic papaverine, Anedonic hydrochloride (FP - Patent #08-C), Bene Nocte-strengthened Lidocaine (FP - Patent #08-D)
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4. Description of effects:
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Causes elongated relief of joint and muscle pain, especially ones caused by chronic illnesses for up to seven days after consumption. Additionally causes more relaxed moods for the same time period, even in normally stressful situations.
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5. How to take Anedonia\u00ae:
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Safe consumption of Anedonia\u00ae must be done once per week, and not sooner. Spacing it out further is recommended if the effects do not end after the usual seven-day period. Consult your nearest Febris-endorsed pharmacy for special conditions and how to schedule your Anedonia\u00ae.
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6. Overdose:
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Mild overuse of Anedonia\u00ae may cause sudden headaches or migraines, as well as mild muscle paralysis. Major overdose can lead to seizures, total body paralysis, or in very rare cases, death. It is strongly recommended have someone nearby when consuming your regular Anedonia\u00ae tablet to ensure safety.
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7. Side Effects:
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Prolonged intake of Anedonia\u00ae (6+ months) can lead to longer periods of REM sleep at night, as well as a possible chance for mild insomnia. It is recommended to stop taking Anedonia\u00ae if side effects become debilitating on day-to-day life.
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8. How to store Anedonia\u00ae:
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Keep Anedonia\u00ae in plastic containers. Anedonia\u00ae can be stored in cool or room temperature environments. Do not keep Anedonia\u00ae exposed to intense heat.
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Febris Pharmaceuticals S.p.A. - Florence, IT
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ATTACHED NOTE TO AUTHORIZED EMPLOYEES \u2014 DELETE LATER
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Begin shipping of FP-938 \u201cAnedonia\u201d next week to marked locations, make sure all transports are viable. Regarding media exposure: follow normal procedure in worst case scenario. Flagged keywords: \u201cdeaths\u201d, \u201coverdose\u201d, \u201cLiedown\u201d, \u201ccoma\u201d, \u201cbrain death\u201d, \u201cscreaming\u201d.
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Await further instructions.
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- F.F.
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Purpose: Following the Pacific War between the empire and the Western powers of the United States and, towards the end of that conflict, the USSR, tensions between IJAMEA and the Russian containment agency only known to us by the name GRU-\"P\" have increased ever since the Nomonhan Incident. These tensions have escalated beyond what any reasonable man could consider \"safe\". Border disputes have caused untold bloodshed between our glorious empire and the socialist republic for the past 4 years, ever since the end of our campaign by the West and its allies. Most of these border disputes end in the death of our soldiers and greatest generals due to our lack of knowledge and general intelligence of this GRU-\"P\".
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The following project has been proposed in order to maintain Imperial independence from foreign powers, specifically that of our Russian neighbors. Its goals are as follows:
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\n- Infiltration into GRU-\"P\" operations in Moscow, Siberia, and other areas the enemy is located.
\n- Discover and possibly convert research regarding anomalies by the GRU-\"P\".
\n- Inquire into the possibility of anomalous weaponry being manufactured by GRU-\"P\".
\n- Sabotage GRU-\"P\" operations involving areas near the Imperial border.
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'Through the completion of these objectives, IJAMEA might crush the Russian's capacity to disrupt the court's supremacy in the East.
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Assets: This is the first time the IJAMEA will be going against a foreign containment agency since the assault on The Western Merchants in the Prewar years. As such, various forms of funding are going to be needed. Various different sources have been considered, specifically from the Western agency Unusual Incidents Unit. They will provide the majority of the materials needed for the goals of this operation as long as we maintain cooperation with occupying American forces.
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Aside from financial funding, IJAMEA will need volunteers who would be willing to lay down their lives for the good of the operation and our glorious empire. The individuals considered for this opportunity to serve their country are the peoples of Siberia, Russians living within the empire, Japanese living within the USSR borders, and those who can be brought to our side, whether through coercion or economic incentive. Others, such as the great warriors of the Hida Mountains, have also been considered.
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If possible, flesh-crafters are to be converted and promised suffrage from their Communist oppressor if they are willing to participate in such an operation, although this will not be a main source of fresh recruits to the operation.
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Results: Failure. Our comrades failed us like they had 5 years ago. Nothing had been done to curb communist expansion. In fact, it has expanded. The Chinese to the West have fallen to the Red Roaches like Russia before it, and like that of the other European nations after the allies raped Germany and her possessions.
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Our spies were captured within months of being stationed, tortured, and placed into a Siberian concentration camp, where they will be worked and starved to death, never knowing the full beauty of death on the battlefield, but only the meek suffering of captivity. The Russians knew spies; their nation was built upon the backs of saboteurs and liars.
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In the long term, our efforts towards destabilization of the USSR in either Moscow or in areas such as Siberia have been unfruitful. Nor has our objective of converting technology toward our side lead to any innovation to our soldiers and generals. Secrecy clouds the GRU and its \"P\" division, to the point that even many of the highest-ranking officials of the Intelligence Directorate even knew that is existed, and even fewer knew its purpose beyond the arm of a barbaric Georgian.
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The only knowledge gained about \"P\" division was some of its locations near Siberia, and the experiments perpetrated by them. The papers never explicitly state the products of these experiments, but based on the amount of rubles being spent along with many accolades from the inner factions of the Red Army, it cannot be good for our Empire.
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Our only way to prevent this is to contact other members of the anomalous world of this potential danger to not only the political paradigm, but to the world itself. It must be passed back to the bookburners or the Jailors, possibly even the librarians if they would be willing to listen to our plea.
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Gods, help us all.
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Liquidation of all assets in process. \u2014 General Rokuro
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Her Majesty's Foundation for the Study of Curiosities and Phantasmagoria
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\nBY DECREE OF HER ROYAL MAJESTY QUEEN VICTORIA, RULER OF THESE UNITED KINGDOMS OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND, THIS DOCUMENT AND ITS CONTENTS ARE TO BE HELD IN SECRECY, AND USED TO PROTECT AND FURTHER THE INTERESTS OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE.
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GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
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Designation: AO-123.
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Threat: Benign.
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Classifications: Botanical, Palatable, Remedial.
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Stored: Dome-01, Hall-03, Site-Red. Wild cases are under monthly observation.
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Identifiers: Anomaly, henceforth referred to as the plant, presents itself as a moderately sized Camellia Sinensis, its broad, glossy leaves of a rich green hue. The plant though familiar, possesses roots that protrude out of the ground at a distance of about two feet away from the plant. The plant does not bear any dissimilarities to Camellia Sinensis outside of this peculiarity.
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Abnormality: The plant exhibits a most unnatural and constant heat, the like of which cannot be accounted for by any known principles of natural science. The temperature surrounding its roots and leaves is of such intensity as to cause painful burns upon contact with the skin. The plant is reported by natives so as to have remedial properties when brewed into a tea that can heal even the worst of injuries, up to gaping cuts upon an individual. The plant's irregular heat permits itself to boil itself when introduced to water and requires no kindling of any sort.
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History: The plant was discovered by Sir Frederick Hawke during a 1858 expedition to the Raj. Initially on a mission to gather samples of local plant life, Sir Frederick stumbled upon this plant. Its unusual characteristics became evident when, in an attempt to collect it, he suffered severe burns to his left hand when making contact. This incident prompted further investigation, leading to the plant's classification and subsequent observation. Discussion with the natives revealed that the plant is referred to as 'Aag Patta', or 'Ember Leaf'. The locals, aware of its dangerous heat, employ the use of cloth to handle the plant, using it to distribute the heat away from their skin. Despite the risks, they also described the plant\u2019s remarkable healing properties, when brewed into a tea. Recognizing the potential value of the plant both for its medicinal properties and its unique characteristics, Sir Frederick secured a sample, which was carefully transported back to Britain.
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Manifest 123 (A) : Sir Frederick Hawke's Account. Dated May 5th, 1858.
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A report delivered to Her Majesty's Foundation on the culture and history of AO-123 according to local societies and its abnormal properties.
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It was the fifth of May, and my crew and I had found ourselves amidst the dense jungles of the Raj, on a mission both perilous and of significant importance. My expedition had initially aimed to gather samples of ordinary plants, to determine the ecological necessities of the region, but fate had other plans. As we ventured deeper into the foliage, I stumbled upon a plant unlike any I had encountered before, the leaves were broad, the glossy green shining beneath the sun, reminiscent of Tea Plant. But it was the roots that caught my attention, stretching out about an arms length away from the plant, protruding from the soil in an unnatural manner. It was an anomaly. My curiosity overcame me, and I leaned closer to inspect the strange vegetation. I foolishly touched one of the roots. A searing pain shot through my hand as it was burned upon contact, and I withdrew it, cursing my oversight. The heat was unbearable, far more intense than any other source I have ever encountered.
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The indigenous people of the area had long known of this plant, but they had given it a name I had never heard before, 'Aag Patta', or 'Ember Leaf' in the Queens English. According to them, the plant was lauded for its remarkable healing properties. They claimed that when brewed, its volatile heat would be transformed into a healing warmth that could close wounds, ease pain, and promote rapid recovery, even from the most grievous of injuries. The natives claimed the plant was a source of life, ridiculous to an English man such as myself, but intriguing nonetheless. Upon prodding them for further information they insisted they have seen it work in person.
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Eager to learn more, I reluctantly arranged for a local healer to demonstrate the brewing process. With great care, the healer selected several leaves, placed them in a small pot of water, and set the pot upon a stone. The water, which had previously been at room temperature, began to boil almost instantly. The liquid within the pot quickly boiled over, rising without the need for any kindling or fire starting. Though hesitant at first, I could not resist the allure of the plant\u2019s promise. I took the cup from the healer, still warm to the touch, and brought it to my lips. The first sip was like nothing I had ever tasted. It was soothing, not just physically but on my mind and soul as well. It alleviated all the stress and aches of this journey. As I prepared to leave the Raj and return to Britain, I ensured that I had gathered sufficient samples of the plant, though transporting it would prove to be a challenge. With the help of the natives, I devised a method of securing the plant, wrapping the roots and leaves in thick, heat-resistant cloth and carefully packing it for the journey. I assured the natives that we would respect the plant with all due reverence beforehand of course.
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- Sir Frederick A. Hawke
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Order to Her Majesty's Foundation.
From Her Majesty, the Queen Victoria
Dated November 18th, 1858.
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To Her Majesty's Foundation for the Study of Curiosities and Phantasmagoria,
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The Queen orders the immediate seizure of the region the plant identified as AO-123 by Her Majesty's Foundation was discovered. This region, currently under the auspices of Her Majesty's Foundation, shall be placed into the direct care of royal authority. Her Majesty's Foundation will be duly informed of any developments that may interrupt the pursuit of knowledge regarding AO-123. The Queen has empowered the 1st Esoteric Regiment to undertake the acquisition and management of the region in question.
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Sincerely,
\nHer Majesty, Queen Victoria
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Manifest 123 (B) : British Army 1st Esoteric Regiment, After Action Report. Dated May 9th, 1859.
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A report delivered to Her Majesty's Foundation on behalf of the British Army 1st Esoteric Regiment.
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At precisely ten hundred thirty four on the May the forth of this year, the 1st Esoteric Regiment of the British Army, under the command of Sir Frederick Hawke, embarked into the dense jungle of the royal colony of the Raj. The regiment had orders to secure the region in which a plant, labelled as AO-123 to Her Majesty's Foundation, was known to grow within. The thickness of the jungle prevented a large scale search for the plant and only half of the regiment's personnel were able to traverse the terrain. The trek lasted three days before the regiment encountered a local village that cultivated the plant. The regiment approached the chief of the village and Sir Frederick Hawke informed them of their purpose in the region and that the plant would hereby be seized in the name of the Queen.
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The village chief refused to hand over control of the plant. The regiment offered a compensation in gold which was refused. Following that the regiment threatened the village chief with imprisonment if he continued to refuse the orders of the Queen. The village chief still refused to follow simple orders. In response, the regiment seized the chief, accusing him of treason for his refusal. The chief was bound and brought to the village square, where a cannon, that had been transported through the jungle with great effort, was prepared for the execution. The chief was tied to the front of the cannon and promptly executed, his death meant to serve as a lesson to the villagers. The village chief's execution sparked an immediate and intense backlash from the local population. The regiment was forced to retreat to the outskirts of the village nearby the farms that the plants were grown within. While preparations were made to fend off an assault by the native savages, the gunpowder used for the rifles and cannon lit ablaze, presumptuously from the intense heat originating from the nearby plants. What followed was a inferno the likes of which have never been seen, within seconds the entire field was engulfed in flames. Sir Frederick Hawke ordered the regiment to attempt to salvage as much of the plant as possible however that soon proved futile as the men were consumed by flame. What little samples were collected were severely burnt and deemed to be of no use to the crown and tossed away.
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An estimated thirty percent of the regiment died in the fire, though attempts were made to control it, it quickly spread out into the surrounding wilderness, decimating everything in its path. Attempts to halt the destruction were unsuccessful, and the fire's devastation remained beyond the control of the regiment for several days. In the wake of this disaster, the regiment was forced to abandon its mission, retreating to the outskirts of the jungle to regroup and recover. The fate of the plant remains unknown, however it is likely that all specimens were destroyed, as the fire devastated much of the surrounding area where it grew.
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Her Majesty's Foundation for the Secure Containment of the Paranormal
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![\"HMFSCP2.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/anomaly-243-the-neamh-mairbh/HMFSCP2.png\")
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BY DECREE OF HER ROYAL MAJESTY QUEEN VICTORIA, RULER OF THESE UNITED KINGDOMS OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND, THIS DOCUMENT AND ITS CONTENTS ARE TO BE HELD IN SECRECY, AND USED TO PROTECT AND FURTHER THE INTERESTS OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE.\n
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
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Designation: AO-243.
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Threat: Enraged.
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Classifications: Hominid, Nocturnal, Infective, Thaumaturgic, Transvection, Regenerative.
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Stored: Anomaly remains unchecked.
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Identifiers: Anomaly encompasses an entire theurgical augmented group of hominids native to Ireland. Near-human in appearance, the creatures share much of their physiology with those of the Tuatha D\u00e9 Danann, with the exception of their teeth, which are jagged, and eyes, of which the sclera is of a black hue round the edges of the iris. Observation has determined their intelligence and sapience to be near, if not identical, to that of a human.
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Abnormality: The creatures possess a number of unusual qualities, both in their behaviour and biology. Their most notable quality is their regenerative capabilities, which grant them suspended age and recovery of almost all forms of physical damage, including conditions which would normally be deemed unrecoverable such as decapitation or severe mutilation. This quality also appears to dull their sense of pain and grant them an enhanced physique.
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There are, however, exceptions. Wounds inflicted through weapons heavy in iron or silver do not recover as quickly. Sunlight also appears to impede their regenerative capabilities, resulting in their flesh quickly becoming rigid, blistered and gangrenous. Even with these exceptions, the creatures require continuous, prolonged exposure before they would be considered impossible for them to resurrect.
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Internally, the creatures possess a near-identical biology to those of humans and Tuatha. However, their blood is notably darker in hue and possess a high viscosity, closer to that of oil. The liquid is dilatant, thickening when strain is applied, giving them a sufficient defence against blunt or projectile damage. It also is much richer in proteins and testosterone, appearing to induce temporary hypertrophy when introduced to muscular or skeletal tissue. In addition, as well as having rather jagged teeth, the creatures possess twice the number of canines as an ordinary human. One set, found near the incisors, are especially jagged and large. The other set, found near the premolars, are thinner. The roots of these thin canines are not a not attached to the jaws, but rather to the muscles and ligament of the other thicker canines. When the creature's mouth encases an object, the additional ligaments will react, causing the thin canines to deploy, sinking deep into the objects structure.
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The creatures also possess an unusual diet, as they do not require human food to survive. Rather, the creatures are hematophagous, consuming blood, primarily from other hominids, though they can sustain themselves on other mammalian blood. The death of the prey is not necessary, although the creatures typically do not leave their prey in a recoverable condition. However, it is noted that the nourishment the creatures gain doesn't just come from the blood itself but also through ritualistic theurgy. In a way, the act of hunting, harvesting, murder or battle is as nourishing as the consumption of blood, with both acting as a source of sustenance.
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The creatures are believed to be sterile, although this claim has yet to be confirmed by observation. Whilst the creatures haven't been observed breeding, they are capable of performing a theurgic, xenogenesis metamorphosis, in which they endow their anomaly qualities into another individual. How this is achieved is not known and requires further research. As of this publication, only individuals of the Tuatha have been successful victims of this metamorphosis. It is unknown if this is due to some theurgic requirement or tradition on the creatures' part. It is also unknown whether the anomalous capabilities individual possessed prior to metamorphosis is retained when the transformation is complete.
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History: Whilst the creatures' existence has only managed to live in folktales and legends for the human population of Ireland, those of the Tuatha have an extensive history with them (as detailed in the accompanying piece by Lord Blackwood's conference with Hy-Brasil's reigning monarch, Nuada Airgetl\u00e1m VII). The first case of the creatures' existence registered by Her Majesty's Foundation was during an investigation into a series of murders in Manchester. All the victims, as well as having been heavily beaten, had bite marks over their bodies and had undergone moderate exsanguination. The criminal, who'd arrived in England under the guise of a longshoremen named Paule Byrne, was eventually traced to a brothel where theurgists were, after he refused to be detained, exterminate him.
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Manifest 243 (A) : Lord Blackwood's envoy to Hy-Brasil
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A report delivered to Her Majesty's Foundation on the culture and history of \"Hy-Brasil\" and its inhibitors, the \"Tuatha D\u00e9 Danann\". The report's writer, Lord Theodore Blackwood, was assisting Her Majesty's Foundation in establishing relations and possible intervention policies with the kingdom's rulers and governors. Information believed to be regarding AO-243 was noted in Blackwood's report.
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After my stroll with the King, I was taken to the banqueting hall, where I was presented with the most delicious meal: fine claret, golden fish and sweet, silver apples. The King was delighted with my enjoyment, remarking how it pained him how closed his kingdom was to the world outside and how wonderful it was to have it appreciated.
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Soon, we spoke of the land's history and I learnt of the people's brutal strife for survival. As he spoke, I saw a great sadness within the King. A regret, mixed with a longing and a weariness. In an attempt to lighten his heart, I asked him of his mages and builders, remarking how beautiful and ingenious his wards were. My efforts worked and the King talked in great detail of his people's skills with magic and theurgy, allowing them to bend the elements and fates with little work.
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However, when I asked about their military, the King remained silent for a moment, perturbed. Knowing I had once again touched on a subject of great sensitivity, I apologised. The King, however, raised a hand and sighed, saying it would be better to know rather than hide the story in shame. With that, we left the hall and I was taken to the chambers beneath the palace.
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In the touch light, I saw the chamber lined with tapestries. All depicting various events. Battles, coronations, funerals, weddings and tragedies. According to the King, Queen Br\u00edd III wove them in a great madness, before drowning herself within the water of Loch \u00c1ine. I couldn't help but stare, for the were beautiful. I saw a tapestry of Nuada Airgetl\u00e1m I, being crowned the first king to the cheers of thousands. Another tapestry showed Lugh III and Mal I in battle, waring against Arawn ap Carnonos and his army of ghosts and giants. Another, showed Queen Danu rising from the mud, flowers and light flowing from her golden hair. And one, nearer the end, depicted a beast rising from the sea, flames filling the skies.
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The King woke me from my trace and pointed out one In its cloth, I saw an image of horror. A field lined with bodies and blood. In the centre, two men fought, one of whom I recognised as the husband of Sadhbh II, Fionn, holding a sword with a wooden hilt. The other man was dwarfed and had hair of wild cinnabar, teeth as sharp as daggers and eyes filled with malice. Around them, in a frenzy of blood and fury, men and women were screaming and laughing. All shared the dwarf's abhorrent glare and maw. And in the sky, cutting through the dark, crimson clouds, stood a woman all in black, showering Fionn in golden light.
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As I took in the image, the King told me the dwarf's tale. With the fall of the Mabyn, the kingdom of the Tuatha, which had once spanned the highlands of Scotland as well as Ireland, was now vulnerable to the coming threats from the east. As they had depleted so much of their magic and weaponry from their war with Mabyn, the monarchy elected to abandon the highlands and retreated to Ireland.
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As the years passed, Albion was invaded and colonised by several forces, but Ireland remained untouched and the Tuatha lived in quiet. Whilst many of the monarchy's people supported their ruler's choice, some remained bitter and vengeful. This bitterness was at its most potent within the Fianna, the theurgic warriors of the Tuatha. They had come to see their people as weak and lacking pride, with their leader, the dwarf knight, Abhartach, leading this shame.
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Wishing to restore their honour, Abhartach eventually asked his Queen, Sadhbh, to lead a crusade against the foreign rulers of Britain and claim back their land. The Queen refused, concerned only for the safety of her people. Enraged, Abhartach and his men sought to overthrow the monarchy and searched for ways to equal their power. Eventually, he sought the wisdom of the Aos S\u00ed, cruel beings with old magic and wings like glass. The Aos S\u00ed agreed to grant Abhartach's boon, on the condition he would be an ally to them if they ever needed him. Reluctantly, Abhartach agreed.
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Using their power, the Aos S\u00ed granted Abhartach and his men's boon in the form of a new life. One free from the touches of death or time and rich in power and strength. They became the Neamh-Mairbh, men beyond death. But this boon would require blood to complete the promise. The blood of an enemy. Abhartach, now blinded by the power of his new shape and fuelled by his disgust for foreigners, choose a visiting Gaul priestess. One night, he and his men ambushed the priestess in her quarters, ripped her throat out and drank her blood, completing their contract with the Aos S\u00ed.
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With his army of immortals, Abhartach lead the Neamh-Mairbh in a nocturnal ambush, attacking his former home and people. In the bloodbath, the army claimed many lives, including their former Queen. Her husband tried in vain to fight the army, but as they were fuelled by magic, only iron or silver would harm the immortals, a substance no Tuatha could touch. Try as he might, Fionn and his people could not win.
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Then, as the dawn broke, a miracle occurred. As the clouds parted, the immortals began to scream in pain in the light of the Sun, their flesh decaying and blistering. For in his pride and greed, Abhartach had made one mistake. The priestess he and his army had killed had not been a follower of a earthly faith. She was a follower of the Seven and with her death, was granted apotheosis, becoming one with the heavens and Sun. With her assent, she banished Abhartach and his army form the light of the heavens, bringing them agony and weakness if they ever entered it.
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With the heavens now on his side, Fionn and his men destroyed many of the Neamh-Mairbh and eventually won the battle. Victorious but vulnerable, Fionn wished to punish his wife's and people's killers with a fate worse than death. So his theurgists had Abhartach and his remaining army bound in chains of silver and sealed in caves in the north, trapping them in eternal pain. But even as the caves were closed, Abhartach vowed he would return to claim his right, one day. One day, the Neamh-Mairbh would return.
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As he finished the tale, I asked the King if Abhartach ever fulfilled his promise. He claimed he did not know as years later, his people fled once again, rebuilding Hy-Brasil as their last home. For now, there was only tales and rumours of his return and he did not give in to fantasies easily. I thanked him for telling me his people's tale and proposed we return to the palace to continue our journey. Agreeing, we left the chambers and returned to the light of day.
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Manifest 243 (B) : Suspect 230
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![\"George_chapman_illo.jpg\"](\"https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/72/George_chapman_illo.jpg\"/)
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Suspect 230, Lysander Agnew
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Subjects Name: Lysander Ruthven Agnew
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Nationality: Irish
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Occupation: Trade Route manager at Layton & Sons
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Perpetration: After the successful disposal of an AO-243 entity, Her Majesty's Foundation began an investigation into his travels prior to arriving in Manchester. It was eventually discovered that the entity calling himself Paule Byrne had made several journeys with the shipping company Layton & Sons. When the company's passenger manifest was investigated further, it was found that 6 other individuals had also used the name, in various locations across Canada, the United States of America, the United Kingdom, France and the Netherlands, suggesting that the name Paule Byrne was a pseudonym used by multiple people.
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The case's head investigator, Inspector Henry, later learnt through a contact in the American Secure Containment Initiative that the name was linked to a series of murders and kidnappings that had occurred in the Northeast United States and Eastern Canada. Furthermore, when the passenger manifests were compared with the cargo documentation, Henry found that in a majority of the Paule Byrne returning journeys, additional cargo had been assigned to them, all to be delivered to Cork, Ireland.
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When Henry contacted Layton & Sons, their archivists revealed that all the shipments had been approved by one of the company's trade route managers, Lysander Ruthven Agnew and the cargo had supposedly contained medical supplies and biochemical materials, though no one could confirm this was the case. When Her Majesty's Foundation attempted to trace Lysander Ruthven Agnew, they found that several documents had been destroyed or lost. Further interviews with several Layton & Sons employees found that they possessed no information regarding their manager's whereabouts or associates. However, a few were able to provide a description of him, which the illustrators were able to work into a sketch. Due to his connections to the inexplicable cargo, Lysander Ruthven Agnew has been assigned as a Suspect.
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Believing the illicit trading, destruction of administrative documents and the involvement of AO-243 implied a criminal syndicate had infiltrated multiple Irish and British establishments, likely involving several AO-243 entities, Inspector Henry was assigned as the head of the AO-243 annulment project.
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Proposal: Request the right to alert and establish entente with Tuatha in annulling the AO-243 threat.
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Most esteemed gentlemen of the Operations Council,
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I regret to inform you of the death of Intelligence operatives, Jared Mint and Beiye Zhao. Both had been involved in the AO-243 annulment project and had been posted to investigate the financial trail of various 243 front businesses, like Layton & Sons. They were recovered yesterday at the St Micheal's workhouse in Ullapool, Scotland, having experienced heavy mutilation and exsanguination. Deep bite marks made up a majority of the wounds.
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Whilst this is indeed a tragedy, this proposal comes due to the discoveries we made at the workhouse during our recovery. Having been altered of the establishment via a telegram we'd received from Mint, five days prior to his murder, we stormed the workhouse last night after he or Zhao failed to make a further report. Expecting to find a functioning, staffed establishment, my operative and I were surprised to find the building empty. By the state of the rooms and grounds, it would appear that our operatives had inadvertently alerted the anomalies of our investigation and had fled, destroying as much evidence of their activities in the process. However, our initial assumption that the establishment had been abandoned was wrong.
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We found operatives Mint and Beiye in the laundry rooms in the basements of the building. In adjacent rooms, we also found the remains of numerous cadavers and carcasses. Furthermore, we also discovered that the medical wings on the upper floors had been locked, with several inhuman sounds coming from within. Upon entry, we discovered seven imprisoned, near-human entities, heavily malnurished and aggressive. Believed to be AO-243 entities, we exterminated them. However, our accompanying Physician operative later revealed to us that despite matching 243's characteristics, the entities were of human biology, not Tuatha.
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Further investigation of the workhouse led us to conclude the following. St Micheal's was not merely a feeding ground for the 243's entities, but a laboratory. From what we could gather from the remains of the destroyed records in the medical officer's chambers, it would appear that the anomalies were attempting to enforce a cross-species transmutation of their xenogenesis metamorphosis. From what we witnessed in the medical wings, it would appear they have partially succeeded, with the process now capable of working on basic humans, though not without the loss of sapience and higher reasoning.
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Not only have the deaths of two Intelligence operatives resulted in a depletion in manpower, but we have also underestimated the intelligence and governance of 243, specifically their ability to hide within our society for so long and abuse it to help further their cause, whatever that may be. It is for this reason that I request that we reach out to the Hy-Brasil monarchy and government and alert them of the return of 243. The Tuatha are more knowledgeable of this anomaly's history and capabilities than us and their assistance in the project would provide substantial intelligence and workforce. Not only that, but this would also strengthen our diplomatic relations with them.
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I look forward to hearing from you soon.
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- Nathanial Henry
\nIntelligence Head
\nUnited Kingdom Branch
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DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE, OFFICIAL USE ONLY.
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Proposal approved.
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- Chamberlains 1, 2, 4, and 5.
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Her Majesty's Foundation for the Secure Containment of the Paranormal
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![\"HMFSCP2.png\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/anomaly-306-the-silver-alder/HMFSCP2.png\")
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BY DECREE OF HER ROYAL MAJESTY QUEEN VICTORIA, RULER OF THESE UNITED KINGDOMS OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND, THIS DOCUMENT AND ITS CONTENTS ARE TO BE HELD IN SECRECY, AND USED TO PROTECT AND FURTHER THE INTERESTS OF THE BRITISH EMPIRE.\n
GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
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Designation: AO-306.
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Threat: None.
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Classifications: Botanical, Archaeological, Thaumaturgic, Metallurgy, Artefact.
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Stored: Dome 02, Hall 08, Site-Red. - Note: wild cases remain under monthly observation.
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Identifiers: Anomaly is outwardly identical to members of the Alnus Glutinosa species, with the biggest height recorded at 33 yards. The species are identifiable by their colouration and material properties. The wood of the tree is of a tainted, metallic grey colour, not unlike tarnished silver, whilst its leaves and catkins are pigmented a deep, russet red.
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Abnormality: Observations by botanists and horticulturalists have found that whilst the species' cellular structure is nearly comparable to other members of the Alnus genus, this species possesses a high quantity of iron and silver particles within its structure, especially in the wood of the plant. This is believed to be why the species possess a metallic pigment and the leaves have a red hue. As silver is not an element abundant in soil, it has been theorised that the species can perform an alchemical process to transmute metals within the soil into silver.
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Within the structure of the plant, the iron and silver particles form an alloy that is currently impossible to replicate. This alloy is a natural deterrent to thaumic workings, being capable of disrupting and blocking all forms of theurgy within its presence. Whilst this property has also been seen in iron and silver, the alloy formed within the plant can prove a much greater counter-effect than the two elements. This property is found throughout the anomaly's makeup, including the leaves, catkins and sap. This disruptive property will continue even if materials are removed from the main body, though the range and strength of this property will weaken as the sample ages.
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History: The species' existence is not widely known outside of cryptobotany and thaumaturgical circles. This has been theorised to be because of the anomaly's rarity within the botanical world. However, some researchers have theorised that the species' existence may have been remembered in pieces of Eurasia superstitions and folklore. The Northern European area is especially rich in beliefs surrounding iron, silver and the Alnus family, all of which relate to their abilities to deter unwanted or harmful magic and beasts. Further research into the anomaly's cultural history is ongoing.
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Her Majesty's Foundation became aware of the anomaly in 1846, during a Marshall, Carter and Dark auction, where cuttings were auctioned off. Successfully purchasing the cuttings, investigators were able to trace their source to that of the famed horticulturist and occultist, Joseph Merit. According to Merit, he and several of his colleagues in the cryptobotany circles had recently been able to domesticate the species successfully and were already receiving requests from businesses for cuttings and timber for use in industry. Her Majesty's Foundation purchased all of Merit's domesticated samples, as well as his studies of the species biology. See their attached paper for details.
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The Armoured Forests
A Summary of the Botany of Alnus argentum
By Joseph Weatherbee Merit
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In the world of elusive botany and strange mycology, there are several rare specimens considered famed. The lightning-generating Phiotacea electrica, the vile Aspergillus ocularis, and the carnivorous Crinoida dajeeana. But none compare to that of the Alnus argentum, the Silver Alder, a tree truly worthy of the description of mythical.
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Distribution
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At face value, A. argentum is very much like the rest of the Alnus genus, with A. glutinosa, the Black Alder, believed to be its closest relative. This is evident by both A. argentum's phytomorphology and habitat, as the species looks and grows in similar structures and has only been seen growing in northern and western Europe. Like A. glutinosa, A. argentum grows in the moist ground near rivers, ponds, lakes or areas of nutrient-poor soil.
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The first characteristic rendering the species unique in its genus regards A. argentum's method of germination and colonisation. All members of the Alnus genus function as pioneer species; resilient plants that are the first to colonise new and disturbed environments and assist in the repopulation of other species. Where A. argentum's works differently in what type of ecosystem it pioneers in.
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Compared to other member of its genus, A. argentum has difficulty germinating against its competitors, even in environments plentiful in nitrogen and water. However, due to developing a body rich in iron and silver, when present in environments exposed to powerful or constant mysticism and theurgy, the species gains the upper hand. In areas which had been exposed, many species of flora often find it difficult to adjust and reproduce to the imbalanced ecosystem. Because of the metal within its body, A. argentum can shield itself from mystical effects, redirecting it away from itself and back at its contenders. This continues as the body grows, which it does very quickly, gaining a meter almost every month. As it spreads around, the theurgy is forced into a more ordered state, allowing newer species to be introduced without threat.
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As the ecosystem grows, as with most Alnus species, A. argentum will typically settle in thickets at the edges of forests or near sources of water. However, it has been noted that these thickets tend to form in a formation of sorts. If drafted on a map, a straight alignment can be illustrated between thickets. Coincidentally, these lines also align with nearby holy or historical landmarks. It is the belief of Reverend Edward Duke these lines are examples of his \"holy leylines\" hypothesis, with the trees acting as a kind of pillar in the lines network.
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Manifest 306 (A): Cultural History
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Through the investigations carried out by Intelligence and Observation operatives, Her Majesty's Foundation made several discoveries regarding AO-306's historical significance in various cultures in the known world. A summary is written below.
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The Kingdom of Hy-Brasil: To the Tuatha D\u00e9 Danann, the flora, known as the \"An Plionta Airgid\", meaning \"The Silver Plinth\", is considered both a hindrance and a help. Due to their biology, the fibres of the anomaly are a moderate irritant to their flesh and are dangerous, if not deadly, if exposed to them for too long. Despite this, the Tuatha use the tree as a form of defence, growing them around locations of importance for further security against thaumaturgical attacks or beings such as Aos S\u00ed, Nuckelavee or Neamh-Mairbh. Some blacksmith would go further and use logs of the tree to shape their blades, as the metal particles within the wood would react with the forged metal to form a thin layer. This weakness and application have propagated a superstition, with many of the Tuatha still considering the plant an omen of bad luck or danger and will actively avoid interacting with samples if encountered in the wild.
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The Daevite Empire: As horticulture, occultism and plant life were an essential commodity in Daevite culture, Daeva viewed AO-306 as nothing more than a problematic weed, referring to them as the \"Vihe Tinhezuke\", meaning \"The Tarnished Desolation\" in Old Daevite. Likely due to the anomaly's ecology and accelerated growth, the Daeva often had trouble managing the plant's spread, with some of their passages referencing great fires set to destroy the anomaly to prevent famines from breaking out.
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The Tarnished Desolation, a threat great, going unwitnessed until too late and once bloomed, spreading sickness with every touch. Many of our fruit and armies have rotted in their roots and whole colonies of maidens have died within its pollen. Our farms and gardens are our life. Our food. Our way. Such threats are not taken lightly, but as its wood is poisonous to our flesh, only the harshest of flames must be used to vanquish its foul reach.
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The Church of the Broken God: As the Alder family prefer damp, cool climates, the anomaly is rarely seen in South Europe and West Asia. However, according to representatives of the Church of the Broken God, their order's predecessor, the Followers of Mekhane, considered the anomaly proof of their God's divine influence, having grown from His broken body to aid humanity in its early development. According to some archaeological digs, many followers offered valuable trade or made pilgrimages to the northwest territory just for a single piece of its bark.
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21. And with their might did God cleave His Enemies. But battle had rendered God tried. His Anvil, His Stylus, His Hammer, His Form. All broken.
\n22. Broken, and tried, God was claimed by the Earth, Skies and Seas, His Body spread among the lands. Lost.
\n23. Lost. But not powerless.
\n24. His Form, though broken, remained strong. His Ichor, though diluted, remained flowing.
\n25. And from these, and the rich soils of Earth, did spring new form. Forms in the shape of gifts.
\n26. \"Here me,\" cried God, \"Though broken, I remain strong. Though broken, my love prevails. Though broken, I shall still defend you.\"
\n27. \"Take my new Form. My strength remains within it. My might stored in its body. Take it and build. Build and forge. Build, for I shall be with you again.\"
\n28. And so the people built and made, and grew strong. In strength, the found power.
\n29. Power to fight the beasts that plagued them. The vile Flesh. The accursed Daeva. The guileful Kobaloi.
\n30. With God, they found strength. With God, they grew.
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- Book of Forge, Chapter 2
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Insular Celts: Despite little being known of the ancient Celts' workings and lifestyle, surviving pieces of evidence recovered from archaeological digs at Brythonic and Pict sites have suggested that AO-306 played a significant role in their life. Several pieces, mostly armour, jewellery and weapons, have been identified as being created from the anomaly's wood, implying that the tribes were skilled in both cultivating and utilising the anomaly. Furthermore, analysis of woad dye found in digs has identified samples of resinous gum taken from the plant and mixed into the dye, possibly suggesting attempts were made to incorporate the anomaly's thaumaturgical deterring effect into their clothing and war paint. Whilst the Brythonics and Picts appeared to have habitually used the plant, the same cannot be said for the Gaels, though this can be likely due to the influence of the Tuatha and their view on the plant. However, AO-306 appears to have contributed to many pieces of Celtic mythology and folklore, symbolising the mysterious Otherworld, where it is believed to have come from.
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Manifest 306 (B): Studies
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A report written by metallurgist, Jonas Thorn, and biologist, Monty T. Howards, on the chemistry of AO-306.
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Experiment: Reverse Engineering Samples of AO-306
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Results: Through our study of the species, we have determined several key properties that illuminate both its chemical and physical capabilities.
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When dried, like most woods, the wood of the anomaly becomes much stronger, harder and more durable. However, in the case of AO-306, the strength and durability of the wood exceed what ordinary wood should be capable of achieving. Our material analysis found the wood of AO-306 to possess a compressive strength of 15,000 psi and a bending strength of 21,000 psi, rivalling that of the Acacia genus' wood.
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Knowing the durability of common alder wood hardened when introduced to water, we submersed several samples of AO-306 to observe if a similar effect occurred. To our surprise, we discovered if the wood is treated in water, the process of strengthening not only accelerates but results in an even stronger timber. Material analysis found the wood possessed a compressive strength of 41,000 psi and a bending strength of 63,000 psi, comparable to that of steel. When observed under a microscope, the fibres of the wood are found to have developed a metallic coating. We have yet to identify why this is occurring.
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Further chemical analysis of the wood, both before treatment and after, has identified that, whilst durable, it is still flammable, though it appears to be somewhat resistant to ignition, and burns with a golden flame with a green heart. It has also been determined to be nontoxic and safe to handle. Thaumaturgical analysis has also found that the anomaly's disrupting effect is greatly enhanced if the wood is treated with water. This may be due to the more structured form the metals take when exposed to moisture.
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Manifest 306 (C): Archaeological Findings
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A report written by archaeologist, August Leonerd, and biologist, Monty T. Howards, on the discovery of several artefacts relating to AO-306, found at the Dozmar\u00e9 Pool, Cornwall.
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The grove at the pool was unusual. In most cases, we've come across AO-306 growing in relatively large numbers, twenty or so. Here, there were only four, and rather than growing on the banks, all were growing from the lake bed. Furthermore, the grove does not reside on any of the \"holy lines\" our cartographers and dowsers mapped out. Either this grove has been created artificially or the force in the area has long since faded away, implying this patch of AO-306 is one of the oldest on record.
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Regardless, such an unusual location warranted further investigation, leading to our discovery. Entangled within the roots of the anomalies were several water-damaged metallic artefacts, encasing the skeletal remains of a believed adult male. Though the roots of the anomaly made it somewhat difficult, we managed to remove the remains unscathed.
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Inspection of the body did not provide any substantial information about its origin or reasons for its location. However, we noticed the body was in a fetal position while buried. The bones appeared to have experienced a significant impact on the chest and abdomen, mostly likely from a projectile or bladed weapon. A majority of the artefacts, including those worn by the body, were found to have been pieces of armour, most of which were damaged seemingly by incendiary or chemical devices. Strangely, many of these pieces possessed intricate mechanics, such as rudimentary clockwork or pneumatics. In the cases of the body, some of the mechanics within the armour were found attached to the bone, specifically those of the arm and shoulder. Based on design and evidence from other archaeological findings, we believe them to be of 5th-century origin.
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Outside of this, the only other item that was recovered was the remains of a long sword, which was found clasped within the body's hands. This sword itself is quite unusual. Though it was recovered slightly damaged due to the lake's water, it has been \"regenerating\" since its recovery, shedding rust and \"growing\" metal as time goes on. Curiously, this regeneration accelerates when in contact with a piece of AO-306. Due to this property, I have had the item posted to Site-Red for further examination and possible designation.
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Though the design of the artefacts, including the sword, was not unusual, the composure is somewhat similar to those we discovered in Celtic sites and made by Tuatha blacksmiths, though these artefacts appear to be of a more refined make. And after getting the metallurgist and dowsers to have a look at it, I can confirm my theory. The artefacts, armour and sword, are constructed from the same material found within AO-306, a silver-rich steel, and in this case, of rather high purity.
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This leaves us with two interesting mysteries. The first is the manufacturing of the alloy. Given the earliest known method of mass-producing steel was recorded in 11th-century China, it is highly unusual to find a similar material being produced and used centuries early, in a society nowhere near capable of producing such materials. Who made this material? How? Why is it so pure? The clockworks and pneumatics also further confuse things, with neither being crafted in such condition, even in the modern day.
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Secondly, why was the body there in the first place? Given the location, the wounds and the layout of the body, it is unlikely this was an intentional burial. However, when we discovered it, the body was surrounded by various pieces of armour, as if entombed. Moreover, a grove of AO-306 was growing directly above the remains. Why? Given the fact the sword was within the body's possession and its anomalous properties, along with the condition the body was found in, I am inclined to theorise that this burial was spontaneous, possibly self-imposed, with the intention of either protecting the sword from something or protecting something from the sword.
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The sword recovered at the site was given the designation AO-237 and stored at Site-Red, three weeks following its discovery by Howard and Leonerd. Further examinations of the item are pending.
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Proposal: Request the right to outsource the production of Compound 113 (\"Alderwood Iron\") for the creation of arms to be used in imminent conflicts.
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As you gentlemen of the Operations Council are aware, there has been a continual growth in the use of anomalous weaponry in warfare in the past decade. You will recall the Russian forces' use of Sarkic cytomancy in Crimea, the temporal slips of the Battle of Khushab and the loss of the Kowloon Peninsula. Furthermore, we have seen a growing number of cases, both nationally and internationally, of blacklisted occult trade, either through black markets or corrupted government sectors. We have already had reports from our allies in the States, the American Secure Containment Initiative, of the Confederates use of Kabbalah clay for the manufacture of artificial soldiers. Our organisation is trying its hardest to mitigate and contain these issues, however, resources remain sparse. And with the likelihood of another full-scale war occurring within the next decade, we must find new ways of continuing our cause.
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You will be aware of Jonas Thorn's recent developments in alchemical practices thanks to his study of AO-237, Hy-Brasil's \"Cold Iron\" manufacture and his successful incorporation of Mekanite metallurgy and Brand alchemy with the modern Bessemer process. You may also be aware of our numerous discoveries concerning AO-306, specifically its application within thaumic workings when refined to Compound 113 (\"Alderwood Iron\"). Given the growing threat and looming issues, it is, for this reason, that we request our organisation look into the possibility of producing Compound 113 for its use in furthering our subbasement of anomalous activity, as well as its use in manufacturing arms for the upcoming conflict.
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Compound 113 has already shown it possesses all the practicalities of steel, as well as the ability to negate and redirect thaumic workings, be it occult or theurgy. You will recall the tomb uncovered by August Leonerd a few months ago. The process of its production (Procedure 306-113-G: Bessemer-Thorn Argyropoeia), is also not overly expensive, with the only financial issue coming from the need to introduce copper into the manufacturing to undergo the required argyropoeia. Whilst this could prove a problem if we were to request a local steelworks such as Dowlais or Scunthorpe to produce the compound, this would not be the case in America. A newly established ironworks, under the ownership of Anderson Factories, has been established in Pennsylvania, and given the rise of the northern Michigan copper district, they would be able to suit our demands easily.
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\n\n\n- Ishmael Cabot\nMilitary Head\nUnited Kingdom Branch\n | \n\n- Nathanial Henry\nIntelligence Head\nUnited Kingdom Branch\n | \n\n- Paul Farr\nScience Deputy Head\nUnited Kingdom Branch\n | \n
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DO NOT WRITE BELOW THIS LINE, OFFICIAL USE ONLY.
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Proposal approved.
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- Chamberlains 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.
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THE FLEET GAZETTE\n
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\n\n| Vol, XCII No. CLXXII | \nFEBURARY 13TH, 1866 | \nONE HALFPENNY | \n
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ANDERSON FACTORY REVOLT! COORDINATED ATTACK RESULTS IN THE DEATH OF HUNDREDS.
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ONLOOKERS CLAIM WITNESSING GHOSTS AND DEMONS FIGHTING IN THE FIRE ABOVE PENNSYLVANIA.
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On the 23rd of May, a coordinated attack was carried out on several of Anderson Factories facilities. In the late hours of the night, explosions and gunfire rang out as conflict erupted between the employees and the invading force, whose goal and organisation are yet to be revealed.
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Anderson Factories, colloquially referred to as The Factory, were located across the Eastern United States. Under the ownership of James Anderson, the notorious engineer and businessman, Anderson Factories produced everything from fabrics to mechanics, to foods, to papers, to artillery. Born in Oxford, England to arms dealer, Charles Anderson, Anderson emigrated to the United States in 1834, and successfully established his first factory in Massachusetts in 1835 at the age of 20.
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Taking advantage of the state's growing industrial proficiency and immigration, Anderson's factory soon became a powerhouse in the heavy industry market, helped by the experimental nature of his facilities layout, in which accommodations for workers were provided. By 1843, Anderson had established a small empire for himself, spanning eleven facilities.
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![\"James.jpg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/anomaly-306-the-silver-alder/James.jpg\")
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Over the next 10 years, Anderson's industry remain prosperous, until the California gold rush. Though initially reactive, establishing a further three facilities on the West Coast, the strain of industry began to take its toll on Anderson. Further upheaval such as political tensions, embezzlement, westward migration, and an outbreak of consumption sent him into a further depression. This pressure is said to be the cause of Anderson's change in behaviour and tactics, with many reporting a definite change in his consideration for safety and work ethic. Some even claim Anderson was dabbling with occult forces and demonic beasts. Whether these rumours were true or not remains unknown, though, despite employment rates for Anderson's Factories growing low, production remained unusually high, even with the arrival of the American Civil War, where he went on to produce weapons for both Union and Confederate armies.
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![\"Bethlehem_Steel_Pennellb.jpg\"](\"https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/Bethlehem_Steel_Pennellb.jpg\")
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Late on the night of the 23rd, Anderson Factory's Pennsylvania Steelworks and Heavy Industry plant experienced a full frontal attack. The facility, headquartered outside Easton, Pennsylvania near the banks of the Lehigh River, erupted into a frenzy when several unknown individuals attacked the main steelworks facility, destroying much of the machinery and equipment. By the time local authorities arrived at the scene, the facility had erupted into flames, with a lake of molten metal flowing from the facility.\n
As a result of the attack, only seventeen of the ninety-eight workers survived. When our journalists attempted to interview said survivors on the events of the attack and the identity of the attackers, however, most failed to prove any substantial information, with many still under medical supervision. \"Confederate rioters,\" according to Sheriff Lovelock of the Easton Police Department, \"Anderson's been dealing with them ever since Robert surrendered Virginia. So many of the miners blame him, you see for what he did, and who he helped. Some folk just can't let go of the past. They'd rather hold on to a grudge.\"
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Despite the police department's claims, local opinions differ. According to some eyewitnesses, there had been several unusual incidents before the attack, such as sudden illnesses, missing people and the loss of shipments from the nearby mines. In addition, several people confirm that a few days before the attack, several soldiers from the U.S. Army, as well as members of the Pinkerton National Detective Agency reported to the facility, claiming their reason for their arrival was to assess the new artillery manufactured at the facility. However, the local word says otherwise.
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\"This wasn't a random attack,\" says Mary Kidds, \"this was justice. Something was happening at that factory and it wasn't some fancy bullets. You know they have gardens in there? Why would a factory that makes steel need gardens? And why can't the staff leave? There's something unholy about that place. Something secret. It's punishment, I say. Punishment for the sins of Anderson.\" Journalists attempted to interview the U.S. Army about the visit, though they refused to comment.
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Despite survivors being unable to remember the ordeal and the authority remaining quiet, accounts from onlookers have revealed some striking details regarding the night. Bobby Bulter, a coachman in Easton, came forward regarding what he witnessed during the night of the attack. \"I was just riding along, having just dropped off the last night's owls, when my horse was all stiff and panicked. Right outside the forest, near the river bank. He just stood there, refusing to move. Tried everything but he wouldn't go. But then I heard it. This shrill whistling, coming from the woods. Like a sharp wind. I didn't like it.\"
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\"Then something moved, above us. Quick it was. Didn't make it out in the dark, but I knew something was there. Now and again, something would shoot past. Never saw them but I heard them. Maybe a strange windy sound, like when knife swishing in the air. The horse lost it then. Poor thing kept shaking and crying before it just ran off towards the town.\"
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\"When I reached the river bank, I saw the factory, on fire. Not a normal fire, though. It was gold, blue and green, and it moved like it was waves in the sea. There were screams too. These awful screams. Men begging and crying, but also other things. Like cats howling but shrill and long. I was about to run, but then the whole place blew up, metal flying everywhere. I ducked for cover and I saw this chuck of hot metal on the ground. In it was a body. Now I've fought in battles, and I've seen my fair share of horror, but this was sickening. It was all mangled, covered in this molten silver, its fat burning in a green flame. Something was wrong with it too. Its back was all twisted, with these jagged things pointing out like wings. Six wings. And it had these pointed ears, like some demon. I ran then. I know I should've helped but I won't be part of that. Anderson was making monsters in there. Making things from hell!\"
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American Secure Containment Initiative
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American Secure Containment
\nInitiative's Office of
\nInternational Diplomacy
\nLocus 17
\n\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588
\nPennsylvania
\nUnited States of America
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Feburary 27th, 1866
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Her Majesty's Foundation
\nfor the Secure Containment
\nof the Paranormal's Administration
\nDepartment
\nSite-Blue
\n\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588\u2588
\nYorkshire
\nEngland
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To the Chamberlains of Her Majesty's Foundation,
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This letter comes to you in light of the numerous attacks our country has been receiving in recent months. You should already be aware of these attacks, as a good number of them have occurred at establishments where you have arms dealerships and engineering contracts. Given the current political climate, international conflict and pressure experienced by our organisation, you should understand that these interruptions are costing us. We have already had to carry out seven cleanup operations and nine misinformation campaigns just to prevent public discovery and government inquiry. Not only that, but these attacks are also costing us a great deal of resources. Many of the establishments lost produced goods vital for our country's businesses and corporations, including our organisation. The latest attack meant one of our most delicate procedures had to be put on hold.
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You may also be aware of the rumour circulating about the type of people who are conducting these attacks. I would like to say that these rumours are nothing but the result of fantastical embellishments, but our morticians and agents, who have had to clean up your mess, know them to be gospel. These beings. Sourcery. Shapeshifting. Allergy to iron. These are not creatures who are easy to deal with, nor do they care for our kind's way of life. They are dangerous and powerful, and for whatever reason, your requests have angered them.
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Therefore, we have no choice but to cancel all current production this country is doing for your organisation as well as prohibit any future projects. We understand you made these requests because you too were facing issues related to the current conflict but we should not have to deal with the consequences of your solution. Should you wish to challenge this ban, your appeal will be dealt with by our lawyers after the current political climate is over.
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Yours sincerely,
\nMajor Adolphus V. Peverell
\nDictator of Locus 17
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Inquiry: Theft of AO-306 and AO-237
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Brief: On the night of the 6th of March, Site-Red witnessed an unexpected attack. At half-nine, the staff of Hall 08 were greeted by Brigadier Ab Ifan, who had previously thought to have gone missing along with his platoon, Force \u03be, in action in German last year. Upon entry, staff were subdued by an unseen force, whilst 10 further individuals entered the hall. 9 were later recognised as former missing members of Force \u03be, whilst the 10th identity remains unknown. After subduing and binding the staff, the attackers made their way through the halls, returning with several test samples of AO-306 and Compound 113. In addition, Ab Ifan retrieved AO-237. After this, the attackers left the site. Attempts were made by the staff of adjacent halls to subdue the attackers, though they were unsuccessful. All staff involved in the attack were unharmed.
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Witness Statements: By the time I noticed something was wrong, it was already too late. Something grabbed me and held me down before I could reach for my baton. It must have been something invisible because Ifan kept talking to it. He told it, \"Kept them out of the way, they are not our enemies. They're not a part of this fight.\" We were bound and gagged quickly by the other members. I recognised one of them as Logan. He apologised for what they were doing. Said that this was necessary for their new mission. That's when I noticed the paint. All of them had this purple paint on their face and arms. Shaped into swirls and curves.
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They left us and went to the halls, taking all the test samples we'd made of the Silver Alder wood, sap and catkins, as well as the piece of Compound 113, and several documents. Whilst they moved, Ifan started talking with this brown-haired man I did not recognise. He was painted too but he wasn't dressed in our uniform. Instead, he wore this old armour, made of leather and chainmail, and had a long red cape. His hair was long and he wore a golden helmet. At some point, I think Ifan said his name. I think it was Arnold or Arthur. Maybe Asher. He and Ifan argued for a while before one of the men gave him AO-237. He cried when he held it and kissed its handle.
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As they left, the man with the golden helmet came to us and spoke. He said he was sorry. He said, \"This is for the future. Foretold by Myrddin. We're sorry. Forgive us.\" That's when I noticed his arm. His left arm was all metal and shining. As if his skin was made of armour. After speaking to us, he left, taking Ifan and 237 with him. Nothing happened after that until someone from Hall 6 came and freed us. - Marvin Lucas, Security Officer
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Evidence: Nobody was killed during the incident, leaving plenty of witnesses. The identities of all bar one were confirmed to be members of the missing Force \u03be. During the investigation, seer Enlli Majors claimed a clairvoyant impact within the area, implying that the force experienced by the witnesses was the result of unseen spectral entities. Majors could not give a definitive answer on the number of entities present.
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Fragments of the paint covering the attackers we found on some of the ropes used to bind personnel. When this paint was examined, it was found to be a mixture of woad dye and the sap of AO-306, not unlike the dye found by archaeologists at the Insular Celts sites.
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According to witness statements, the accompanying, crowned individual was known as \"Arthur\" and likely possessed some form of artificial, mechanical prosthetic. Some witnesses claimed, however, that when he spoke, they heard him communicate to them in French, Welsh and Gaelic, as well as English. His involvement with the attack has resulted in his addition to the Suspect list, designated Suspect 651.
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Conclusion: Since the attack, sightings of the group have been reported across Great Britain and Ireland, including around known anomalous sites and locations. Due to this, their hostile behaviour and their theft of AO-237, samples of Compound 113 and documents referring to Procedure 306-113-G, their arrest has been assigned to Force \u03b4 and priority level Yellow.
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- Ashley Moore
\nObservation Operative
\nCommunication Sector
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Manifest 306 (D) : Suspect 651
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![\"King_Arthur_MET_DP158298.jpg\"](\"https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/02/King_Arthur_MET_DP158298.jpg\"/)
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Suspect 651, Arthur. Note that AO-237 has not yet undergone alteration.
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Subjects Name: Arthur
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Nationality: Unknown - Believed British or French
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Occupation: Unknown
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Perpetration: Following the robbery at Site-Red, sightings of Arthur were reported across the country, usually accompanied by various members of Force \u03be. As of writing this document, it is yet unknown what the goal of Arthur or Force \u03be is, though so far, they have not taken any offensive action against any other party. Instead, the majority of the sightings of Arthur have been around areas or locations of great historical importance in British culture. Arthur has also not been seen undertaking many anomalous actions either and usually presents himself as a public citizen.
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Only two anomalous events relating to Arthur have been recorded by Her Majesty's Foundation. The first occurred off North Berwick, where holidaymakers witnessed Arthur, in full armour, walk towards the sea, before becoming engulfed by the waters. Later visitations by Her Majesty's Foundation's theurgists and seers claimed there was a subsiding thaumic workings and clairvoyant impact in the region he'd supposedly vanished from.
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The second event occurred near the ruins of the Dolaucothi Gold Mines, Carmarthenshire. In this case, Arthur was not only accompanied by two members of Force \u03be, but also by three large dogs, all of whom possessed red-tipped ears. Upon subduing the caretakers, the party entered the mines and did not emerge until 3 hours later. At this point, the caretakers released themselves and alerted the authorities who arrived in time to see the party exit, though the authorities were unable to prevent the party from leaving. It is unknown what the party gained from the mines, though the area was later found to possess several anomalous properties and was passed on to Analytics for further investigation. After both of these visitations, Arthur appeared to gain improvements in physical condition.
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Despite usually witnessed with members of Force \u03be, one report from Manchester claimed Arthur had been witnessed conversing with members of The New Ferrous Brotherhood, a small religious order known by Her Majesty's Foundation, whose practices share many principles with the Church of the Broken God. The context of the conversation was unknown, though during the time together, Arthur was seen exchanging samples of AO-306 with the order's leader, Father Loom. A few days after this meeting, Force \u03b4 came under conflict with Arthur and Force \u03be in Nottingham, though this time, they were joined by several members of various branches of the Church of the Broken God. In addition, the weaponry used by the group appeared to have improved in quality. AO-237 had also seemingly had to undergo an alteration in design and also displayed several, previously unknown, anomalous feats. These events have led to the conclusion both Force \u03be and Arthur have allied with various sects of the Church of the Broken God.
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Incident Report 0111/1870
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Note: This report is only to be viewed by personnel assigned Level 4 clearance, who are part of the newly formed Records, Archival, and Information Security Administration (RAISA), and have received direct permission from O5-1. By viewing this report, you confirm that you hold all three credentials and that you are directly involved in the investigation of Incident 0111/1870.
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If you are viewing this report unauthorizedly, return it to its correct filing cabinet now to avoid repercussions.
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Forward: This document previously had been drafted by the Foundation's pre-cursor organisations, Her Majesty's Foundation for the Secure Containment of the Paranormal, now designated GoI-\u03c9-008. It has since been redrafted to fit the current standard.
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Incident Report ID #: 71f6
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Summary: Incident 71f6 occurred within the Yorkshire Dales, North England, from the 31st of October to the 1st of November, 1970. Lasting approximately 6 hours, the incident concluded with 130 sq. km of the region undergoing a sudden geological and ecological alteration.
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The incident is believed to have started at approximately 2100 hours, which is when police in the village of Newsham received a report from locals claiming they heard screaming and shouting coming from the forest. Three officers were dispatched but found that any attempt at entering the forest would result in the individual failing unconscious, only regaining it once they'd been removed from the area. At the same time, a similar event occurred near the town of Richmond and the village of Langthwaite. Upon recovery, through the use of ropes and hooks, the individuals should signs of memory loss, having forgotten certain details regarding themselves and others. They also consistently claimed that they were being watched or hearing faint whispers. One officer exited the area sporting deep cuts in their left arm.
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Unable to understand the situation, Darlington's chief of police contacted GoI-011-8 (British Occult Service), whose transmission GoI-\u03c9-008 intercepted. Investigation personnel from Site-Blue were dispatched, who arrived at the area at around 2330 hours. After confirming with their superiors, the two groups agreed to work together to monitor the area, which was discovered to be around 13\u00a0km in diameter. During their investigations, many personnel reported feeling uneasy, with some claiming they were being touched by an unseen individual or that humanoid shapes were moving in the shadows of the forests.
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Sounds and voices continued to be heard coming from the area, though no attempt to communicate with the speakers was successful. Sounds included the crushing of wood and plant matter, fires burning, metal straining or creaking, humans and unknown animals screaming or shouting, and the occasional explosion. Occasionally, vocalisation could also be heard, though most was either do distant to properly understand or done through an unknown language. In addition to sounds, metallic items near the area underwent rapid corrosion and electrostatic charge.
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In an attempt to understand the induced unconsciousness caused by the area, psychics Ryan Monk and Enlli Majors were asked to enter the area to gain any extrasensory information. The two did not fall unconscious upon entering the area, though both appeared to be experiencing moderate pain. The two provided the following statements:
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There was nothing to begin with. Only pain. Then there came the fire. A snaking blaze that burnt with a golden colour. A whole forest burning. Above, there were creatures, dressed in thin fabric and jewels. Swift and lithe, with great wings that shimmered like glass. They were shouting in a language I couldn't understand. It seemed like they were repeating something. Like a rhyme or an incantation. Occasionally, lights would shoot from them or brambles would twist as they spoke. But nothing worked when the fire reached them. And when it burnt them, their flesh burnt a green flame.
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But there were others. From the fire emerge men. Women too, but not as many. Pale men and women painted in purple swirls, wielding crude blades and shields. They were all soldiers, but dressed from different periods. I remember seeing King's Troop cavalry fighting alongside knights in armour and neolithic tribal men. Some were on foot but some were hovering. Like mist on a cold morning.
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They fought. They fought and fought. And then there was just fire.
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There were visions. Two of them going round and round in my mind.
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First, it was raining. Not just water but ash too. It fell onto a ground barren of life, just cinders and mud. In the mud were these human-shaped things with petals on their backs. Their flesh was slipping and squeezing like wet clay. They were crying, begging and shouting. I don't know what they were saying but they kept saying a word repeatedly. Gwynn. As they begged, I saw another man, standing above them. He had petals too but had form. He wore fine silks and gold jewels and had a horned headpiece. He was so angry, it was almost tangible. As the things sank into the mud, he rose into the sky and vanished, shouting something. I think it was a swear.
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Second was in the forest. A man with long hair and dressed in broken armour was kneeling by a large tree. A silver one. He held up his left hand, which was made of metal and withdrew a sword, which was glowing with shapes and symbols. As he held it, he started crying, whispering to it. The words were all different languages, but he did use English and French. He said, \"My smith, Mekhane. My forefather, Arawn. My teacher, Myrddin. Hear my plea. Help me slay these beasts, these kobaloi. I beg you. Help me.\" Then from the forest came these figures. The people with petals. Many of them were stained with blood and glared. One stepped forward and threw a severed head at the man's feet. At the sight of it, the man held up his sword, drew blood with it and screamed, \"For my kingdom, my friends. I curse you.\" He then stabbed the tree. In the sky, a lightning bolt shot down and hit the tree, breaking the sword. The creatures all screamed as the lightning shot into them. And I swear I heard it speak. A voice came from the lightning, whispering one word. \"Outis.\"
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After a further 4 hours of unchanged activity, at around 0300 hours, staff reported the forests and the surrounding area were \"warping\", with sections of the forest seemingly vanishing and reappearing in rapid succession or distorting and altering in size. All on-hand psychics and thaumaturgists experienced great pain, with some experiencing nasal and ear haemorrhage. After around 10 minutes, a thundercloud quickly formed above the area. Second later, a lightning bolt struck the area, resulting in a flash of brilliant light. When the light had cleared, a whole affected area's forest and wildlife had vanished, leaving nothing but a muddy landscape. The only piece of wildlife remaining was a single instance of AO-306, though it had been badly burnt.
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Forward: Following the incident, the area was sectioned off and an agricultural blight cover story was created to ward off suspicious. A recultivation plan is currently underway. None of the anomalous effects that occurred during the incident have been reported occurring since. When studied, a moderate fissure was found within the AO-306, with the fissure's interior found to be a smooth steel.
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During the two organisations' excavation of the area, several bones, heavily charred and damaged, were discovered. Many of these bones were found to have enlarged Scapula, each with three joint appendages near the vertebral column. Fragments of a thin, flexible nacre-like, calcium-rich material were found attached to the joints. Furthermore, fragments of cloth, ceramic and metal were found on or near some of the bodies. A command item found was a GoI-\u03c9-008 identification ring, many of which were identified to belong to members of Force \u03be.
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Whilst performing the required disinformation campaign on the event, it found that documents were missing titles and names for landmarks that had been present in the area before its disappearance, with maps showing blank spaces where the area had previously been. In addition, when questioned, members of the public were also unable to recall the names of specific landmarks. Due to this, a mass documentation alteration campaign was required to be undertaken alongside the disinformation campaign. With the absorption of GoI-\u03c9-008 into the Foundation, both campaigns were added to the ongoing assignment merger roster.
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![\"minimal.svg\"](\"https://scp-wiki.wdfiles.com/local--files/theme%3Aminimal/minimal.svg\")
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We secure. We contain. We protect.\n
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\n\n| Identifier: SoI-019 | \nEstimated Population: | \n
\n\n| Scientific Name: Alnus argentum | \n~1,000 | \n
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Threat Level: Green
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Concerning Individuals
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\n- Average Height: 30 meters
\n- Average Weight: 535\u00a0kg/m3
\n- Exterior: Silver, tarnished wood, red leaves and catkins
\n- Bloom: Late winter to early spring
\n- Life Expectancy: 60 - 180 years
\n
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Special Considerations of Populace
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In the event of any sights of SoI-019, researchers from the Biology Division and Department of Thaumaturgy are to be deployed to the area to assess the specimen's current conditions. Once assessed, the area is to be purchased, closed off and registered on the country's Habitats and Species of Principal Importance roster. Once registered, the specimens are to be visited on a bi-monthly basis to check for any damages, vandalism or illnesses.
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A maximum of 4 instances of SoI-019 are kept at Site-44 for study and treatment purposes. The specimens are to be kept in a wetland ecosystem greenhouse in Sector 5. If research at the site requires thaumaturgy, theurgy or occult workings, it must be carried out at least 1\u00a0km away from SoI-019. As of this document's writing, the use of SoI-019's wood for manufacturing and production purposes is banned, as decreed by O5-12.
\n
Currently, in line with the Dartmoor Agreement, members of GoI-004 (\"The Church of the Broken God\"), including all branches, may visit Foundation-registered areas containing SoI-019. All visitations must have at most 20 members and all visitations must be accompanied by at least 2 members of MTF Stigma-9 (\"Evolved from Naturally Occurring Gears, Levers and Pulleys\").
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Due to further discoveries regarding SoI-019 and related anomalies, all special considerations are awaiting updates and transfer, along with all documentation relating to SoI, to the management of Project Caliburn.
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Description
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Species of Interest 019 is the Alnus argentum, a species of tree in the family Betulaceae, native to Northern and Western Europe. It thrives in wet locations such as rivers or marshes, or environments with high levels of thaumactivity. SoI-019's xylem cells are capable of performing an alchemical process known as argyropoeia, where it converts copper and iron absorbed from the soil into silver. It does this process whilst also performing another anomalous chemical process that produces thin lamina of steel around the xylem cells. The two procedures result in a lamina made of an alloy composed of iron, carbon and silver. This lamina surrounds the xylem, which results in the wood of SoI-019 appearing metallic and tarnished, with its leaves taking on a red hue due to high moisture and oxygen content. When cut and dried, the lamina reacts with the chemicals within the drying wood to bind together, forming a strong layered fibres within the wood, vastly increasing its durability and strength. It also results in SoI-019 acting as a natural thaumaturgical deterrent, as the alignment and composure of the lamina obstruct the surrounding Akiva Radiation flow.
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On 10/06/2000, during their scheduled visit to a registered SoI-019 area near Morpeth, England, researcher Eric Scarlett discovered a note, made from parchment paper and written in cursive, nailed to the instances of SoI-019. As no security videoing system was in place around the area, it is unknown who placed the note. No DNA was found on the note. It read the following:
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To the Foundation,
\n
You will know who I am. I know who you are and who you were. Before, in the days when your work was focused around this small island. You have grown stronger since then. I have, however, just grown weaker. I'm not sure I will be here much longer.
\n
When I was king, millennia before your time, my knights and my allies fought alongside me in a great war, against a powerful enemy, led by a hateful, wild king. The war lasted years and took many things. My wife, my friends, my kingdom, my beautiful son. In the end, even I was claimed, but not before I managed to subdue our enemy into a schism, diving them into tribes built on loathing and distrust. My people survived and some victory was achieved. I faced death with some peace.
\n
However, my sage and priests had known our victory would only be temporary. In the time to come, the wild king, blessed with long life, would bring his people together once more, along with monsters and traitors. Wishing for our victory, my sage placed me in a sleep, mere breaths away from death and my priests and remaining knights took my sword, to be hidden among their blessed flora and waters. Years later, I awoke amid another war, far greater than one I'd ever fought before. Knowing my quest, I found my sage's family and my priests' church and together, we weakened the wild king once again.
\n
I wish that could've been the true victory, but no. This was merely another pause. Another battle, one which will have a true victory, was yet to come. So yet again, I entered sleep, with my allies vowing to prepare.
\n
I have awoken once more. I know this to be the last time. I must be ready. We must be ready.
\n
They are coming. And I do not know if we can win.
\n
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Two days following the discovery of this letter, an incident occurred in another registered SoI-019 area in Penicuik, Scotland, in which the entire grove of SoI-019 was burnt. By the time Foundation agents arrived, the specimens were destroyed. Nearby the grove, two deceased individuals were discovered. One was recognised as a GoI-004 paladin, who appeared to have died as a result of incineration and electrical discharge. The other was recognised as Jilly Adams, a member of the City of Edinburgh Council, whose autopsy confirmed she'd died from multiple organ failures. A small carved blade made out of a piece of SoI-019 wood was also found in her lower back. Whilst medical examination could not find how SoI-019 could have resulted in such a visceral, fatal reaction, genetic testing found that Jilly Adams had been an unregistered SCP-6796 instance.
\n
Later examination of surrounding security footage found that during her journey to the area, Jilly Adam had been tailed by the GoI-004 paladin, along with another unknown male individual. Other footage in Edinburgh, set two hours after the death of Jilly Adam, saw this unknown male individual boarding a train to Inverness. Whilst boarding, the individual appeared to look towards the camera and gazed for 10 seconds. Whether this was deliberate or done as a means of messaging someone is unknown. For this footage, the Foundation were able to search their Persons of Interest record for similar individuals. Though no results could be found on the Foundation record, the SCiPNet flagged a similarity between the individual and a subject registered on GoI-\u03c9-008's Suspect roster. The subject, Suspect 651, was added to the PoI roster and registered as PoI-4918.
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Since the incident, a further 5 registered SoI-019 areas have been attacked, with almost all specimens being destroyed in the process. An increase in SoI-019's security is currently pending approval. No further sightings of PoI-4918 have been confirmed.
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Info
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Collected Resolutions Concerning the \"Anoxia\" Entity by ![\"battlecruiser12\"](\"https://www.wikidot.com/avatar.php?userid=4376002&size=small&timestamp=1788102923\")
battlecruiser12
\nWritten for GoiCon2026 for The Wahoos.
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The Security Groupers,
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Recalling its previous resolutions concerning the worsening algal bloom in the North Sea, and its resulting hypoxic dead zone.
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Reaffirming its commitment to ensuring the habitability of the North Sea and surrounding regions in accordance with the Skagerrak Treaty of 1983.
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Welcoming the proposal from the East Greenland Shelf to ultrasonicate the algal bloom via sperm whale clicking.
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Expressing concern regarding recent reports of a titanic cnidarian entity being observed within the dead zone.
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1. Decides to send 50 sperm whales to ultrasonicate the algae.
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2. Decides to allocate additional funding to the evacuation of the affected area, as well as further investigations of the entity.
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3. Decides to remain seized of the matter.
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The Security Groupers,
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Recalling Resolution 1432, as well as previous resolutions regarding the emerging situation in the North Sea.
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Expressing concern at the recent data indicating that the entity, now known to be a lion's mane jellyfish, is further depleting the oxygen within the hypoxic dead zone, creating anoxic conditions.
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Expressing its deepest concern at the same data indicating that water affected by the entity does not regain oxygen once the entity has passed.
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Welcoming the proposal from the Great Barrier Reef delegate to send clownfish diplomats to establish dialogue, as their expertise in cnidarian communications is expected to allow for negotiations.
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1. Decides to send a delegation of clownfish diplomats to determine if the entity is sapient, and if so, attempt to communicate.
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2. Decides to remain seized of the matter.
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The Security Groupers,
\n
Recalling its previous resolutions concerning the oxygen-depleting scyphozoan entity in the North Sea.
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Expressing its deep concern for the expanding and seemingly irreversibly anoxic zone surrounding the entity, which is projected to cover approximately 5% of the North Sea by the end of the coming winter season.
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Reiterating the need for a complete evacuation of all areas laid out in Report 534 by the Secretary General to prevent further casualties. Current projections indicating death tolls in the range of 100.000-200.000 sapient beings by the end of winter if evacuations are not carried out.
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Recognizing the role of eutrophication events amplified by terrestrial industrial activity in creating the initial hypoxic conditions in the affected area, which are hypothesized to have allowed the entity to manifest.
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Expressing its deepest regret at the deaths by cold shock of the clownfish diplomats who attempted to establish dialogue with the entity, despite them being equipped with protection against the cold and anoxia, which indicates that the entity has the additional property of cooling the temperature within the anoxic zone.
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Welcoming the proposal from Skagerrak to attempt to contain the entity within the current extent of the anoxic zone via sperm whales ramming its bell, pending a breakthrough in communications.
\n
Recognizing the growing need to establish communications with terrestrial civilization and anomalous organizations for
\n
1. Decides to approve Project \"Let Me Mend the Past\"
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2. Decides to enact proposed containment measures.
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3. Decides to remain seized of the matter.
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The Security Groupers,
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Recalling its previous resolutions concerning the oxygen-depleting scyphozoan entity in the North Sea.
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Expressing its deepest regret at the deaths by envenomation of the sperm whale peacekeepers who were entangled in the tentacles of the entity in their attempts at containment.
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Expressing its alarm and deep concern at the growth spike observed in the entity following its consumption of the sperm whale peacekeepers, and the entity's subsequent change in course towards the southeast.
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1. Decides to suspend diplomatic efforts directed towards the entity for the time being pending further studies of it.
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2. Decides to remain seized of the matter.
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The Security Groupers,
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Recalling its previous resolutions concerning the oxygen-depleting scyphozoan entity in the North Sea.
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Expressing its alarm and deep concern at the current projections that the entity will enter Kattegatt within 6 months, potentially cutting off the Baltic Sea community from the rest of the Atlantic Ocean.
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1. Calls for the drafting of evacuation plans for the entire Baltic Sea, should efforts to prevent the worst-case scenario fail.
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2. Decides to remain seized of the matter.
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The Security Groupers,
\n
Recalling its previous resolutions concerning the oxygen-depleting scyphozoan entity in the North Sea.
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Expressing its alarm and deep concern at the anoxic zone having already reached the size projected for late summer, and that while evacuations of sapient beings have succeeded, countless non-sapient beings have lost their lives.
\n
Strongly condemning the recent attempts at terminating the entity by a group of rogue leatherback sea turtles, which has had no discernible effect on the entity other than making it accelerate.
\n
Noting that non-sapient whales have been observed passing through the anoxic zone without suffering ill effects, and that the sperm whale peacekeepers who died attempting to enact containment measures did not die by asphyxiation.
\n
1. Decides to send a delegation of clownfish diplomats carried inside the mouth of a humpback whale, carrying oxygenated water from outside the anoxic zone and being isolated from the cooling effects previously observed within the anoxic zone.
\n
2. Decides to remain seized of the matter.
\n
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The Security Groupers,
\n
Recalling its previous resolutions concerning the oxygen-depleting scyphozoan entity in the North Sea.
\n
Expressing relief at the clownfish delegation successfully establishing communication with the entity, and demonstrating that it is sapient.
\n
Recognizing that the entity requires the oxygen that it depletes to survive.
\n
Welcoming the proposal by the clownfish delegation to provide the entity with zooxanthellae, which would provide it with its own internal source of oxygen, removing or at least significantly reducing its need to deplete oxygen from surrounding waters.
\n
1. Decides to allocate funding towards providing the entity with zooxanthellae.
\n
2. Decides to redirect research efforts towards re-oxygenating impacted areas for eventual repopulation.
\n
3. Decides to remain seized of the matter.
\n
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Cite this page as:
\n
\n
For information on how to use this component, see the License Box component. To read about licensing policy, see the Licensing Guide.
\n
\nFilename: Fish_(27052)_-_The_Noun_Project.svg
\nAuthor: Studio f\u00fcr neue Gestaltu Sina & Marie
\nLicense: CC0\u00a01.0
\nSource Link: Wikimedia
\n
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